23 weeks pregnant found out father is married

[Soconfusedandsadx]

NC for this but I've been on mumsnet a while.
I'm completely heartbroken.
I had no idea.
I am 22 weeks pregnant and received a message last week from my partner's wife!! Someone messaged her and told her her husband is having an affair and all about me.

He admitted it all and has chosen her. We weren't living together but we do work together and I was really happy being part of a couple. We spend lots of time together. I am in love with him and he says he is with me.
Turns out he is still married. He told me he was separated. 😢
I don't think I can continue my pregnancy alone. And the baby will be a reminder of what I have done and what he is.
I can have an abortion this week but I am on the cusp. I have been to Marie Stopes and had my initial consultation. I know the baby's sex and I have chosen a name. I can feel the baby moving.

I don't think there is an easy answer to this but I don't think I can have this child.
I am so angry and so sad and just feeling so stupid. I don't know what to do.
Please no horrible comments. I'm broken.
How can I have this child in this situation? I am already a single mum to three children from my now ended marriage.
I can't stop crying. I can't see a way out. I don't want to abort but mentally I am not strong enough to carry on with this pregnancy now. I don't think mentally i am strong enough to abort.

I was meant to have my abortion prep today and my surgery tomorrow but I've caught covid from my kids and they cancelled my appointment so now it's Thursday for my prep and Friday for surgery.
I'm under the care of my GP and I am also scheduled to see the perinatal mental health team next week as I have long standing mental health problems.
I've got to put my three children and myself ahead of this baby but I feel broken.
If you've got this far thank you for reading. I'm not sure if I have even posted this in the right section. Please feel free to report and ask to move if so. Thank you.

Hi hun I'm sorry you're having to deal with this shitty situation. Like the other I do think it's so important to have counselling before making a decision. I had an abortion and it broke me. I didn't know about counselling you could get before it. It's only on here that I saw women get it and then change their minds. I wish someone did that to me as when you're pregnant and have all those hormones you don't know what you're doing because you're so vulnerable.

Will come back and write more later.

Hiya, I've sent you a pm, I'm free to chat if you need an ear x

Just adding to the voices saying this really isn't a situation you should be making decisions on without support. In your position I'd go as far as presenting at a+e for mental health support if that's what it takes to get you seen. I know I'm only a stranger on the internet but even I can see the fallout from this could be massively heartbreaking, especially if your doctor has already raised concerns.

Please please try and get some emergency help today, either through your GP or through the local mental health team. Have you tried calling 111? Thinking of you xx

OP

I'm really worried about your decision making right now. If you abort this baby, it won't all "just go away".

Your life isn't going to spring back to normal just because you're not pregnant any more.

This baby was loved, wanted, named, and bonded with before you found out your partner was married. It's a different scenario to it not being wanted, or so ill there's no way of continuing.

I had an abortion at 6 weeks 15 years ago through Marie Stopes, and even though it was absolutely what I wanted, I still felt rushed by them, and the counselling they advertised never materialised. I was one of many and I felt they were committed to the procedure and not interested in anyone's doubts.

I know that was my experience, and it was years ago, and I know there is a time constraint for you, but that they can't provide counselling beforehand I find appalling for someone in your situation.

You'll need a lot of support afterwards OP, you really will. If you go ahead please please make sure you have lots.

If you decide to keep it, please remember that the father will be liable for maintenance. You speak of not pursuing this, but you're coming from a place of hurt and pain right now, but that won't last. The man is a total bastard, no mistake, especially for putting you in this position.

I think your doctor is right. I think you're so poorly you can't think straight, and from all that you've said it doesn't sound like Marie Stopes have given you enough pre procedure support.

Please please make sure you're 100% sure you want to abort OP.

❤️❤️❤️

Still here and still thinking about you @Soconfusedandsadx
Hope things are becoming a bit easier and you have real life support. 💗

All of this - I found myself unexpectedly pregnant with a toddler and a 4 month old .. I was in absolutely no doubt that I couldn’t continue with the pregnancy. I was 8 weeks when I had the procedure and although I felt an enormous sense of guilt and sadness at having to terminate , I was without doubt very relieved to have the procedure and did not regret it , I did not want to oregnant .. not to have another child at that time
there is a big difference here to terminating six months down the line with a baby that is much wanted when you are beside yourself with a whole raft of emotions - I fear that rushing into this without adequate support or counselling is not going to achieve the end result you are so very hoping for …

OP, in a recent post, you said this:

I don't want to have an abortion but it seems the only way I can see a way forward at the moment. I'm barely sleeping. I'm so scared of what having a new baby will entail. I've never had to do it alone before.

Then in your next post, you said:

My family would help and support me with my baby and I have a couple of good friends.

I'm highlighting this because it feels like your thinking is so disordered through poorliness and worry that you don't know up from down.

You worry about having your baby and bringing them up alone, and you also say you wouldn't be alone, you would have a different kind of support through family and friends.

I implore you to speak to someone and have counselling today if you haven't already done so. You need to talk this through with a professional who can help you sort out your thoughts.

I think Marie Stopes are absolutely failing you in their duty of care. I'm astounded that they're happy for an already distressed woman to go through the feticide procedure then birth with no prior counselling. It's shocking. Are they even allowed to do this without providing pre counselling? It's appalling lack of care.

Another thing to consider is your children and your they'd react to this. I assume you'd tell them that their brother/sister has died through miscarriage, but you'll have to help them through their grief at losing a sibling.

My kids still talk frequently any their pet that died a year ago, and also the one that died 3 years ago. They role play it, tell strangers about it, draw pictures and cry about it on occasion. They were toddlers at the time. They are mentioned at least weekly.

They also had a very traumatic health event which they have also roleplayed and also cry about..

I'll not saying that their grief should necessarily be determinative but that you'll also have to deal with it. Even if you manage to not think about it much they may well remind you through their own processing of their loss. I don't think the idea that you can just nice on from this is a realistic one.

I think you just want things to go back to how they were, to have never been pregnant. I totally totally get that. But when this is a viable baby (just under a 50-50 chance of survival at 23 weeks) that you've bonded with, that your children know is coming, things can't go back to how they were.

I worry that you are setting yourself up for a lot of trauma and loss for you and the rest of your family.

Hello all. Thank you as always for everyone's thoughtful replies. 💕
I am keeping my baby. I had a complete and utter meltdown today.
I had a phone call from Marie stopes counselling service as I was on a cancellation list. They thought I needed more so I got another session a few hours later.
My ex husband came and collected my three children as my plan was to go to Marie Stopes tomorrow morning and i needed them out the way. He saw the state of me and phoned my father, who called me this evening and my father, after speaking to me, called my mother. Who then called me.

They are both fully supportive and didn't realise quite how unwell I am. I just can't go through with it.
I have the perinatal service tomorrow and will be discussing some new medication with them.
I feel I can share now that my baby is a little girl and while I have a long long way to go, and a lot of heartbreak, I am hoping I can do the right thing by my little daughter. Despite her father...and my own pain 💔
Xxx

I'm so happy to hear this🥰💖congratulations on your precious baby girl💖💖I will keep you in my prayers that you get the help and support you need🙏❤ take things easy and just take one day at a time x

My darling I'm so pleased that you managed to get support and have made the right decision for you. Honestly I don't think you'd have coped with such a late term termination so I'm so happy for you.

I’m glad you have come to a decision, OP, and I’m glad your parents have stepped forward to support you.
I am sure you will do the right thing by your daughter, you’ll get through this.
Wishing you strength and healing xx 💐

I'm pleased you've got the support you need and wish you all the very best xxx

@Soconfusedandsadx I am so glad you made this decision! your ex husband sounds like a decent human being who did absolutely the right thing. I am so glad you have some better support now.

I hope your daughter comes into the world healthy and has a long and happy life ♡♡

So pleased that you’ve made the right decision for you . It sounds like you actually have a fair bit of family support and you need to utilise it . Best wishes 💐

With your family's support you will be OK.

I have the perinatal service tomorrow and will be discussing some new medication with them.

I am so pleased to read this. You should never have had your meds stopped without a plan to get you onto sertraline quickly and your GP should have transferred your crisis care to a colleague whilst she was on holiday, even if that meant someone at a different surgery. You've been let down by so many people, including your medical professionals.

Is it wrong that I want to be a fly on the wall when the arsehole's wife finds out that he's to be a father again and is liable to pay child support? Not saying that you should tell her this second, getting your health sorted out is way more important, but he's really hurt you and he deserves every bad thing that he gets as a consequence of his actions.

I’m actually so incredibly relieved to hear this!! Congratulations on your daughter.

Oh gosh, OP. I don't think I've ever been so worried about a complete stranger on the internet.

I'm so pleased you've come to this decision, I think a late termination would have utterly broken you, and I'm glad Marie Stopes finally gave you some counselling and realised things were amiss.

I agree with @VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia about the lack of professional care you've received, and hope with the support of your family you get all the help you need now.

Do pursue for maintenance from the father, the money will help immeasurably with your daughter's upbringing.

Good luck to you and your family, OP. 🥳🤗🎂💖👶

Gosh, this brought tears to my eyes, genuinely.
Im so happy you have came to the decision which is right for you and that you have family support behind you.
Congratulations. You and your kids are going to love you new baby girl so much.

Sweetheart I am SO relieved for you, thank goodness everyone is rallying round at last.
Sending you huge hugs. 💞

This is by far the most wonderful status update Ive read - Thank goodness for your ex husband .. he sounds like a decent man and also I’m so relieved your parents are supporting you .. you aren’t alone .. your little girl is going to be so loved I promise you .. she has a loving mum, siblings and grandparents who will cherish her … she’s not going to miss out
As others have said .. you’ve been badly let down , taking you off meds with no replacement was disgusting .. I hope there is a plan to get you onto sertraline.. and to get you the MH support you need x

Oh, I’m so happy that you’ve got support, OP! This is fantastic news. May your little daughter be a blessing and a joy to you! Wishing you the best of health - you’re a brave, good-hearted, caring woman and you deserve it xx

Phew! So glad you've got the support you needed 💗

I’m so relieved and so happy for you and your little girl!
You can do this! If it might be helpful you could start a new thread for support when you feel up to it, in the meantime please pm me if you want to chat about anything.