Post abortion depression counselling

[Threebutterflies]

So I got a message to say there should be availability soon to start my counselling. It’s a charity that provides counselling for abortion and miscarriages . Really hope that it helps some as it’s horrible living like this. I feel like it’s the same grief as when someone dies , yet with a ton of guilt as it was my decision to end that life . WTF have I done ☹️

@Threebutterflies24 yep! I'm no longer pregnant!! What a fucking shit!

All I can think is that I don't deserve to be pregnant, that I don't deserve to have a child. I'm hopeful still; I want to be a mother.

I also just realised that I completely didn't read the second half of your message to me. Are you sure it's peri-menopause? Have you had any other news in regards to that, or also a new pregnancy?

I really wish you all the best, you were such a comfort to me during what were probably the darkest months of my life xxxxx

@scaredorganicyoghurt
thats crap I’m so sad for you 😔 I really hope you get pregnant because of course you deserve to be a mother and have a baby. You sound like you will be a great mom . Sorry I really don’t know anything about IVF do you have a certain amount of embryos to try and implant? Has the doctor given any advice as to what happened? Sorry you must be feeling so down but dont give up im have my fingers crossed it will all work out for you. Is there any other options you would consider like surrogacy or adoption?

@scaredorganicyoghurt no I never did get pregnant probably to old now

Don’t know if anyone will ever see this as it’s an old post now. I’m having another breakdown even though my abortion was in 2017. I just can’t get over it, can’t move on with my life , can’t believe why I took that decision. Last week I had a miscarriage and it’s bought up all the old feelings I have . I was so happy when I found out I was pregnant it really was like a second chance. Even though I wouldn’t have chosen to have a baby at my age I really did feel like I’d been given another chance to be happy again. It didn’t sink in at first but as soon as I started planning for the future it was all over. I had a miscarriage at 5and a half weeks.
The grief and drop in hormones has just floord me. I didn’t have a bath in days and hardly eat or leave my house . It made me realise even more just what a bad decision having that abortion was. All the signs were to keep it . But my stupid overthinking idiot brain didn’t listen. Now I realise everything would have been fine. I hate myself so much. I want to go to sleep and not wake up. I’m going to regret what I did till the day I die .

Hi, you're not alone. I read a fair bit of this old post.
I'm so sorry about your mc and the returned feelings with the abortion.
I'm currently in a position that I'm not sure what to do with. I, like yourself, know that if I continue with the termination I'm going to regret it and my mental health will suffer. I had 2 mcs prior to my 2nd child and they put me in such a dark period of my life. After having my second (both planned) child I managed to mentally work through the thought process of a mc being not my fault. Because it wasn't. Nor was your mc your fault or preventable in anyway.
I hope you have some support around you for this difficult time x

Hi hun. You don't know if it would have been fine your assuming you would have had a healthy baby but you don't know . I have my termination 5 months ago and I keep saying the same as you and my Counsellor keeps telling me I've no idea if I knew the baby would of stayed so I say the same to you . You won't regret it for the rest of your life your just having a hard time ! Im
struggling too and I have mine at 37 now 38 single and so scared ile never be a mammy . But I have to remain faithful I can't let this break me or define me . Sometimes life just life's and that is it ! But it's how we chose to view our sufferings and what can we transmute them into ? Pour the love into yourself and love yourself . All you are is one human. One human ! Life doesn't come with a rule book . We done it what we thought was right at the time . Please be gentle with yourself 💗🩵 x

@Threebutterflies24 please do contact ARCH or Stillwaters- they both have helplines and provide support for people post termination no matter how long ago it was. they will help you process your feelings as things are going to feel so raw and youve got all the hormones buzzing around again. i totally understand about feeling this was your chance at redemption and it not working out brings all the self loathing about it back again. do message on here- theres lots of us who have these ongoing feelings and it can feel like a traumatic even so can all be triggered again. sending you so much love as such a raw and difficult time xx

Omg @Threebutterflies I'm so so so sorry to hear that. God it's just so awful isn't it? I completely understand your feelings. I did end up having a miscarriage and the absolute guilt and horror I felt (and still feel) is awful. My regret at the termination never eases, and never gets smaller.

I hope at least that the dreadful feelings like your world is ending have passed. You're a wonderful woman, and the children you have here on earth with you need you. You are so kind xxxxxx

Hi everyone, sorry to jump on the post.
I'm sending everyone love and well wishes in this awfully difficult time.
I had my termination nearly 6 weeks ago now and I thought deep down that I would be ok but I'm just not. I'm fighting off horrid intrusive thoughts daily and it's all really consuming me.
I hand-on-heart made the best decision I could have at the time.
I had HG (severe sickness) that began almost straight away after finding out I was pregnant, I have several other children and so many more contributing factors to my final decision.
I even sat down and spoke to myself and said it was the right thing but now that I've done it and I somehow have to move on with life, it hurts so much.
I think HG took over in a way and I was already majorly struggling to cope with just being pregnant, nevermind having another baby/child to raise.
I felt so cruel at the thought of bringing another baby into the world when our financial situation is so poor and my mental health is bad.
But I really miss my baby. It's so hard seeing other pregnant women that I know who are due around the time I would have been. Why did I mess things up so much for myself. I hate myself sometimes.
My heart goes out to each and every one of you. I just want to give you all a big hug and tell you it's ok, I wish I felt that for me, too. The emotional aftermath is so hard. I don't regret my decision necessarily, but I wish things could have been different and I didn't have to make the decision I made.
Good luck with your healing everyone x

Hi @Joannnnnnnnie thank you for your hug and love 💗 Please know it's okay to know you made the right decision at the time and also feel pain and grief also . Women who have had terminations don't know where we fit in the world with our grief . It's very confusing. I say but I "chose" this and my counselor always tells me no women "choses" a termination. There are many factors and genuine reasons . I had my termination in may and my heart is shattered into a million pieces and like you I say things like I miss my baby or I want my baby back .

I am broken when I watch women around me have babies or see them in my every day life . But I have to remind myself I had my genuine reasons at the time . No one tells you about the pain and suffering afterwards. The road afterwards is so lonely and so tough and the only people I get real comfort from is stragers I have never met from the Internet here on mumsnet . Wonderful beautiful women have helped me in my time of need as I have tried to help others when I have a little strength to spare sometimes . So I would also like to remind you you have a pure heart that's why it hurts so much. You sacrificed your happiness to avoid your child suffer from the reasons you felt it wasn't okay to go ahead with the pregnancy . That is a pure heart your intentions and reasons were pure . You are a beautiful soul and by the grace of god you will see your baby again .

I have worked deeply within the spiritual world and many have told me about soul contracts that my baby was never ment to come into the world when I feel pregnant and there is a lesson that will unfold. It probably sounds crazy but it's the only thing that keeps from falling apart. Maybe our babies were not ment to come to us at that time . This has triggered deep healing work for me and I feel so grateful for my baby's soul for the lessons I have learned to far . Does it alleviate the grief? No it doesn't but i hope in time it will . I pray every day my baby comes back when the time is right. I'm not religious but I am very spiritual . So you pray too mama . Your baby loves you and you are bound together forever 💗🩵 sending you hugs and love xxx

Thank you so much for your lovely reply. It's definitely a heavy grief that us women who have terminated feel and I think it is so hard to articulate and share it with others because of the shame unfairly attached to the subject. What your counselor says is so true, nobody "chooses" termination, if I was in the right circumstances at the time, I would not have chosen this path. It hurts that I felt I did not have any other choice. I thought so carefully about my decision. Ultimately I put my family first. I think women who have terminations are so incredibly brave because it's not "the easy way out" like some think, it's just trying to do the right thing in your life and oftentimes for the people you love as well etc. I am so sorry you feel so much pain, but I am here for you and it helps me to know I'm not alone. I look back and remember how I felt when I thought about not just continuing the pregnancy, but having another infant to care for, and I felt so selfish at the thought of choosing to have a baby when I couldn't have given my baby the absolute best that they deserved. Also, I told myself that I didn't and don't want to be the type of mum that my own mum was (too many children that never received the care and love they needed, ntbr), growing up it was hard being treated that way and I felt so scared and fearful when I was pregnant. I went into a total panic. I think that's another trauma I need to deal with and heal from. I told myself before I had my TOP that I needed to be ok and that I would be ok, but it's just not that straightforward. You never know how you feel and I just so wish we were more prepared for our aftermaths but that's not how life works sadly. I feel lost and like I've been hit by a ton of bricks. I get so much reassurance and advice from women online and I wish there was more support irl for everyone. I truly appreciate your comforting words so much, I can tell you are such a genuine and wonderful person with a good heart. I also believe in spirituality 🙏🏼 I believe these experiences are what shape our character and strengthen us as individuals. I said a little prayer today and it temporarily relieved some of the emotional pain. I will continue to pray and be grateful and thankful for what I've been given so far in life. I wish you all the very best, may many good blessings await you in the near future ✨ because you absolutely deserve each and every one. Thank you again 💞 x

I hope you don't mind me asking @Tinydancer222, is there anyone in your life you know that is pregnant and due around the time you would have been or near? I know someone who I'm not necessarily close to but is associated with my partner and so I will know about her birth etc and I'm so happy for her and her partner but I know it will sting for me when she has her baby and I will kick myself once again. I don't know how to cope with these things and I'm scared of how down I will feel because of it, it's like a ticking clock inside my head, knowing it's coming and not knowing how it will affect me until that time comes. If anyone has any advice on this, I would be so grateful x

@Joannnnnnnnie I had that. After my surgery I found out that a friend was pregnant, and her baby was due around the same time mine would have been. Her baby was born one day after what would have been my due date. Nobody knew about mine, and I couldn't put off seeing her or the baby forever. It was so so so hard holding her child and grieving for my own. It's been nearly two years and I've only been able to meet the baby once, and I find it difficult to even see her, which makes me feel awful as we'll because she doesn't understand why I've pulled away. I'm delighted for her, and devastated for myself.

What's worse is now I can't actually get pregnant. I've done two rounds of IVF and had two transfers, resulting in one early miscarriage. Every day I feel like my world is ending. I've become a terrible employee, ruined my career path because I can't focus at work, become a terrible friend, and a terrible partner. I'm sorry to be adding more doom and gloom to this post 😔

That said, it did get slightly easier with time, in that I don't have panic attacks or cry every day. I do cry every time a friend announces a pregnancy, and when I see them pregnant, and when I meet their babies. Life can be so cruel.

Wishing you all the best. It does get easier, but I won't lie and say that it becomes easy, at least it hasn't for me xxx

I'm sorry you had to experience the hurt that comes with others announcing their pregnancies and births after already enduring such a tough time personally. It really hurts in a different and unexplainable kind of way. Sending you so much love. Remember it's absolutely ok to put yourself first in these situations and focus on yourself. I hope in time and in years to come, that you feel so much better.

I'm also so sorry to hear that you are now finding it difficult to conceive. The aftermath of something like this puts us mentally in such a tough place. I want you to know you aren't a terrible anything, you keep going and that says a lot. You are allowed to heal in your own time. Do you mind me asking how long ago your termination was? Don't be sorry for saying how you feel and thank you for sharing your truth, it's not easy but you need to let it out. I hope things improve for you and I hope you're getting the help and support you need from your GP etc. I'm rooting for you.

I'm glad you feel it all does get slightly easier, and I hope it continues to. You don't deserve to carry this emotional weight forever, you deserve peace and happiness and it will come to you 💐 xxx

@Joannnnnnnnie You are so welcome hun and thank you for your lovely words of kindness you too are a genuine soul with a beautiful heart💗

I know you feel lost I did to and in time little by little you will find your way again I promise you . You spoke about your trauma from your mam not being as loving to all her kids . My dad left me when I was younger and never came back until I was 21 . I had a deep hatred for men for many years and felt deep abandonment and not goof enough . I also had a horrible realtionship with my mother because I was the image of my dad . He came back around when I was 21 and had tried to make a mends and even now at 38 I still struggle with him . He loves me very much but chose drugs instead of me .

when I fell pregnant and the baby's dad said he couldn't do it he felt he was too young and too much travelling to do and told me he wouldn't be there for the baby or financially support me. I had also quit my job and wasn't working when I got pregnant. My world was upside down. I knew if I had a beautiful little girl that I couldn't look at this child in the eye if she said mammy I want to see my daddy. It broke me ! I tried to hard to convince the baby's dad to be there just for the baby that I couldn't do a termination and it wasn't fair on me . He refused and I felt I had no choice but to let my baby go . I wept for days and days before I had the termination . Even after it the shock of what I done . I begged god for my baby back .

When I rang my Counsellor i broke down and she said to me this baby was never ment to stay. The baby was to trigger you to do the deep healing work from your abandonment wounds as a child. So I will say the same to you . This pregnancy loss you had is an opportunity to do deep healing work from your own childhood . Heal as deeply as you can for your kids and your grandkids and break generational curses 💗

My friend has recently had a baby and she doesn't know about my pregnancy loss. It's hard but I am able to push my sorrow and pain and be there for her . She lives 3 hours away so won't see her often but I have to keep ploughing along and just showing up brave and strong when. She talks about the baby and shows me his picture and then in private I deal with my emotions . Her baby is a blessing and that's the energy I focus on . Instead of focusing on my sorrow . I've the rest of my life to live I can't let this define me !

I also refer to it as a pregnancy loss . That way I can still grieve and there is no shame and no one needs to know my business . Never in my life did I think I would have a termination at 37 but life is just life . Remember you are one human on a planet floating full of billions of people . You didn't do anything "bad" you have a big heart and battled with the hardest decision in your life . Only a pure person will feel pain from a decision as tough as ours . You are not alone and you are still a wonderful beautiful soul mama 💫🩵💗 Sending you the biggest hug and hang on in there. As my mammy always says pull yourself up, one foot in frount of the other and keep plodding along. We will get there xxx

Thank you for sharing your story and reassuring me that it will get better. I'm sorry you had that experience with your dad when you were younger.

It's hard when us women have to deal with the decision making what feels like all on our own. And the aftermath of it all as well. I'm sorry the dad put you in such a difficult position and wasn't there to support you. I can't imagine how that would have made you feel and you are so strong.

What your counselor said is so lovely and has really made me think about things from a different perspective. I'm definitely trying to break the generational issues my family have so my children will not have the same ones to deal with in their lives 😊

What you said about your friend's baby is beautiful, too 💗 you sound like an amazing friend. You're so right when you say you have the rest of your life to live, and you deserve to live it to the fullest! It's horrid that sometimes our emotions hold us back
💔

I think I need to allow myself to properly grieve as well. Life is just life and we never know what's around the corner, we just have to deal with it as best we can. I think you are incredibly brave to make the decision that you did. If you ever need anyone to talk to, please don't hesitate to give me a message. I won't forget the kind words you have said to me and how they've made me feel. Thank you so, so much xxx

@Joannnnnnnnie Thank you for your lovely words also and you're so welcome . We will heal in time and it will all make sense one day and by the grace of god if it's want someone wants our baby's will return I'm praying my baby comes back to me. If you need to ever talk I'm always here 💗💫 Mind yourself hun xxx