Post abortion depression counselling

[Threebutterflies]

So I got a message to say there should be availability soon to start my counselling. It’s a charity that provides counselling for abortion and miscarriages . Really hope that it helps some as it’s horrible living like this. I feel like it’s the same grief as when someone dies , yet with a ton of guilt as it was my decision to end that life . WTF have I done ☹️

I think probably Christmas time will have made things more difficult if your still grieving. And obviously the due date will be a really difficult time as well . I’ve just been reading through the threads on here it’s so heartbreaking how termination has affected some women. I wouldn’t wish this pain on anybody. I’m hoping to start with a new counsellor in the new year as wasn’t to keen on the last one. In a way I don’t want to talk about it and just block it all out and try and forget it . But I just can’t help thinking about it all the time and imagining how life would be now if I hadn’t have gone through with the termination. Over and over and over in my mind replaying it like a stuck record.

Hi @Threebutterflies, I'm sorry I'm only writing back now, I hope I didn't worry you xxx

I also had a shite Christmas in the sense that I just could not stop thinking that I should have my baby with me. Aside from the daily heartbreak and couple of panic attacks it was nice though, I spent time with my parents. I hope you all also had a nice Christmas, in as much as you could have.

I got some bad news about my endometriosis, and am trying not to panic about it. It's looking very likely that I have stage 4 endo, as some of my reproductive organs are no longer in the right place :( I'm terrified and horrified at what this might mean for me.

My boyfriend doesn't care that my Gynae told me that I cannot wait anymore to start trying, and he wants to wait until the end of the year. I have another appointment with the dr soon, and based on that I'm going to decide whether I need to leave him in order to do this on my own. I am so sick with grief that I got rid of my baby. In any case I think I'm going to have to freeze my eggs, as I would love two children, which is going to be extremely expensive, and I'm right back in the same boat as I was last year where I'm going to be unemployed at the end of the year. I'm just so sick of everything, especially men.

Lots of love to you all xxxx

@scaredorganicyoghurt
phew so glad your ok ! Yes I was worried after your last post then you went quiet !

@scaredorganicyoghurt
I'm really sorry to hear your bad news. Have you spoken to your partner again ? Or had any more thoughts of what your goi to do next ?

I'm really sorry for worrying you, I didn't mean to, and actually I was thinking of you all here too during that time. I'm really touched though, it feels like you are the only person who understands how painful this is, and who wants to empathise with me (and the other mumsnetters who are also so kind). I really appreciate you, thank you xx

I've talked to him, he says he "doesn't want to make a decision with a gun against his head" a few days ago. Today he's come home from work and seen how upset I am (I don't normally have huge crying days, but today I just couldn't hold it in. It's such a massive weight to be carrying in my gut, I can't bear it all the time), and he's been stroking my back and saying "I know you love the baby, but you'll be pregnant again soon", which feels so fucking offensive. I'm having a whiskey in the kitchen and am smoking out the window. I just feel so awful. I'm sorry to be such a misery guts on here all the time :(

@scaredorganicyoghurt
Yeah that’s men for you . They don’t get the maternal urge to want to have a baby I suppose. And the grief of loosing a baby or termination. It does sound really insensitive though saying about loving the baby , that must have really hurt 😞. Hopefully having a massive cry has helped abit . It’s good to get it all out . I often feel relief after a big crying session !
I hope you manage to decide what to do soon about being with him / freezing your eggs etc . I don’t know anything about that apart from it’s very expensive. Hopefully he will change his mind and you can start trying for a baby soon.

The massive cry's always give relief, it's the one thing I can count on 😂

So I have an update, we went to our counselling session and he wants to start trying next cycle, given my endometriosis issues! I feel so nervous, which feels ridiculous considering I've spent the last nine months just wishing I had my child with me. I don't know how long it will take, and I'm really worried about how I would handle it if I had a miscarriage or something, but also, I feel the most relief I've had in ages. I'm going to come off my sertraline now too, which also scares me. I won't do egg freezing (the cost is enormous, you're right) for a few months depending on how the next months go. I'm so nervous about seeing a scan of any potential baby in the future, and I feel like I'm letting my loved first baby down somehow. Ugh I don't know.

@scaredorganicyoghurt I’ve been following your posts on here, ooh that is a bit of an update! I’m in a slightly similar situation as DH and I want to TTC, It’s been 6 months since my termination so it feels a little soon but we might start in about 2-3 cycles time. I also feel like I’d be disrespecting my last pregnancy like they weren’t good enough but another baby would be

@scaredandanxious01 @scaredorganicyoghurt
Good luck to you ladies I hope you both get to have beautiful healthy babies and find healing in your hearts x

Hi just wanted to pop in. My terminated baby would have been born around now specifically yesterday. I have had days thinking about it but it's been blocked out due to how rubbish I'm feeling with this pregnancy. Not sure whether it's the third pregnancy that's hard on your body or a pregnancy in your 30s. I have accepted that the termination was the right decision as I was really weak it took a couple of months to get my body back on track and mentally prepare for next baby. Looking back I would have waited a few years to get pregnant again but then I sway the other way thinking it's good getting it done with now before i have 2 kids in school. There are days where I think I wish I never got pregnant just because of pregnancy struggles. It's not easy growing a baby. I've needed a lot of support be it on here, family or pregnancy groups.

There was a period after the abortion where I was like I don't care how many pregnancies I go through after this with hg I'm never going to abort...almost punishing myself...I've now decided that's no more babies after this and yes I was depressed to think about punishing myself by going through difficult pregnancies.

I've come to terms that abortion then was right. It just amazes me that I had to experience an abortion and a pregnancy again to trust myself when I should have trusted myself, my instincts back then. I guess it's about loving yourself first and trusting yourself which I'm slowly accepting. I hope everybody is okay and it's so nice to have this forum to express how we feel.

@heartbroken22 sorry I missed your message before! That's lovely news that you're pregnant again! I'm sorry you're having a hard time with the symptoms, I hope they ease up for you soon.

I hope the time around when your baby should have been born was ok for you xxx

@Threebutterflies I actually haven't been having sex with my partner, and the one time we have this year, he was so terrified that he used a condom and also didn't even ejaculate. He talks about wanting to try soon but now won't talk about it, it's always "later, later, we'll talk later, maybe the weekend, im too tired now". He is so clearly not ready, and im starting to reach a point where I vacillate between pure apathy towards the whole thing, and him, and desperation for a baby. It's not helping that I have quite rapidly come off my antidepressant in anticipation of trying. I have to travel for work again soon, so if we don't try this month, it will be another two or three months until we'll be together during my fertile window.

Im not back to crying every day, who knew that my slight semblance of sanity from before was just the antidepressants 😂

@heartbroken22 I hope the days around your previous due date were bearable, do you feel any better now the due date has passed at all? What would have been my due date is approaching in about 4 weeks, I have felt even worse about my termination over the last few days and wonder if it's because the due date is coming up. I really hope once it's been and gone, some sort of cloud will lift from my thoughts and there will no longer be a countdown in the back of my head.

@scaredorganicyoghurt do you mind me asking when your termination was? Mine was 7 months ago now and I'm constantly tying myself in knots about whether I am ready to TTC again or if it's still 'too soon'.

Hi all. I’ve been reading this thread for the last few days, and listening to your experiences and seeing how supportive you are of each other has really helped me get through the toughest days I’ve ever had to endure. I’ve never joined a forum like this, but thought it might help, so I registered and wanted to drop by and say hello. I’ve no idea where to start, how to start or what to say, but here goes:

I had a surgical termination on Monday, I thought I had come to terms with my decision, but was not at all prepared for what followed. I know it’s only been a few days, but wow, I didn’t know I could cry so much. It is literally all I think about. The guilt and grief is something I’m really struggling to deal with, I feel like such a horrible person for what I did. I’m just hoping it’ll get a little easier each day, I’m trying to stay strong but it’s hard. I’ve booked my first counselling session, but it’s not until next Saturday. Did any of you find the sessions helpful? I’m not sure how many they offer (BPAS) or if I’ll even be able to speak, I barely made it through the call to book the appointment. The rational side of me says I made the right choice given the circumstances, but it really doesn’t help with the pain I feel. It’s all so much to deal with, all whilst trying to hold it together for the sake of my 2 kids (12 and 14) who have absolutely no idea I was even pregnant. The pregnancy wasn’t planned, and I’m not with the father, that in itself is a very long story and the reason I decided to have an abortion, but I still feel an enormous loss and emptiness that I don’t know how to overcome. I just really hope it gets easier with time.

@Sanityhunt23 I’m so sorry you are also going through this. You are very early days and there’s a huge hormone crash in the days following an abortion which doesn’t help. Don’t be too hard on yourself although it’s easier said than done. I didn’t have the counselling from BPAS (but now wish I had) or any other counselling so I can’t comment on that. Just kind of worked through it in my own head but I’m considering calling BPAS to see if I still qualify for their sessions.

I also had a DC who was 17 at the time of my abortion and they have no idea I was pregnant either

@scaredandanxious01 Thanks for your reply. The midwife at BPAS said to me that the counselling is available whenever I need it, whether it be this week, next month, next year or in 5 years, so you should definitely give them a call if you think it’ll help. It is difficult not to give yourself a hard time, I keep telling myself that it’s ok to cry, and that my hormones are probably intensifying my emotions. It’s tough, especially when you have to hide it all from your DC and try to function like everything’s normal. I’m sure my daughters wondering why I keep giving her hugs, she’s not a huggy teenager but hasn't moaned about it once.

Sorry to jump on this thread but when did anyone get there period following a termination?

@Sanityhunt23 thank you so much, this has given me the confidence to call them to book something in.

@Graciehere I've replied to you on another thread

My ‘due date’ is coming up in a few days and I feel so sad especially with all the Mother’s Day stuff in the shops

Oh @scaredandanxious01 I'm so sorry, it's an awful time isn't it :( When I came up to my due date back a couple of months ago, I was walking around with what felt like a boulder in my belly and an awful tightness in my chest. On the day of it, I put out everything I had from my pregnancy (positive tests, scan, prenatal vitamins etc) on a little table and lit some candles, and sat in front of it the whole day just crying as often as I needed to, and saying little prayers, and alternating with watching tv (because you can't maintain that level of sadness the whole day else you'd go crazy). I had some massive cry's that day, I felt as bad almost as I did the day immediately following the abortion. The panic came in waves, but by the time it was night I felt somewhat better, and the day after I felt far better than I had in ages, like a weight had been lifted. I think a lot of it is the anticipation of the day, and once it's passed, and you've cried it all out (again), you feel a bit better.

It's such an awful aspect of being a woman, that some of us go though this awful experience, and that we feel like we have to keep it silent because we should have known better (at least, that's how I feel, I hope I'm not putting that on any of you if that's not how you feel!), because it's so fucking shit to suffer like this. I actually found out I was pregnant on mothers day last year :(

Sending you strength and love, you're going to get through the next few days, no matter how shit and hard it will be. You aren't alone either, write here whenever you're too sad xxx

@scaredorganicyoghurt
hiya . I just wanted to see how you are now ? Just to let you know I’ve had to change my user name because I couldn’t remember my old login details . If you messaged me I wasn’t ignoring you ! How have you been ? X

@Threebutterflies24 is so glad to hear from you!! Yes I had actually messaged you a few times, I was hoping you were doing ok :)

I'm ok, relatively speaking. Having far fewer panic attacks, I'm able to concentrate at work again. My bf and I started trying to get me pregnant again a year ago and it isn't working so I'm actually currently in the middle of ivf. I feel like my life is a horrible joke. I hate myself so much, and I feel like I'll deserve it if I'm never able to have a child. It's coming up to two years now since I had the procedure. I still think about it every day, but I'm also trying to focus on the life I have now and not the life I could have had. That said, I expect I will completely lose my marbles if the ivf doesn't work. Taking the hormones has been really hard, I feel and look like I'm pregnant but I'm not.

In any case, enough about me, how are you doing?? I think about you!!! Xx

@scaredorganicyoghurt

Hi I’m so glad you saw my message ! I thought you may have left the site . Sorry to hear your having problems conceiving. Any news since your last reply ? It does seem like one of life’s cruel jokes but you only did what you thought was best at the time. I really hope you get good news soon .

Wow can’t believe it’s been two years I still remember replying on your first post . It’s such an awful thing to go through when you’re just not sure . It’s definitely the worst and hardest decision on my life as I could have easily gone either way , and I know you were so torn to. Glad your panic attacks are less . It is like grieving and I think eventually starts to get better.

I was trying for a few months for another baby but I think I’m to old now and my periods have gone crazy so probably peri menopause. Not sure if it was just through guilt though which is obviously not the right reasons to want a baby . But I know you will be a great mum and I really hope everything works out for you.

look forward to your reply xxx

@scaredorganicyoghurt
hiya hope your doing ok ? How’s the ivf treatment going ? Any good news yet ? X

@Threebutterflies24 hi there!! Sorry for the huge delay in getting back to you, I stepped away from Mumsnet for a while there.

Regarding me, things aren't super great unfortunately. My first frozen transfer completely failed to implant, I had another one recently which did implant and I am nearly six weeks pregnant, but today I did another test and it's almost negative and I have been having bad cramps and started spotting, so I expect this is a miscarriage now. I'm going to make an appointment with my doctor next week. I do have hope that it will work out in the future though!

How are you doing? I hope you're well xxxx