Post abortion depression counselling

[Threebutterflies]

So I got a message to say there should be availability soon to start my counselling. It’s a charity that provides counselling for abortion and miscarriages . Really hope that it helps some as it’s horrible living like this. I feel like it’s the same grief as when someone dies , yet with a ton of guilt as it was my decision to end that life . WTF have I done ☹️

Hi,
This is my first time posting on Mumsnet so apologies if I do or say anything that’s not allowed.
I was frantically googling abortion counselling after my termination 8 days ago when I came across this thread.
Around 5 years ago my doctor told me i was infertile. Not a chance on earth I could have children. At first I was really struggling with this and didn’t know what to do. I started to feel really sad and angry. I’d watch people announcing their pregnancies and become really angry that it couldn’t be me. It was an awful time and so hard to explain the jealousy I’d experience.
My periods have always been a bit of a mess. Sometimes I don’t have a period for 4/5 months and other times I can bleed 3 weeks in 2 months. There’s just no real regularity to them.
Around the end of May this year I’d been feeling really rubbish and sluggish a lot of the time. I wouldn’t say I was unwell but I just didn’t feel good or right. My boyfriend was adamant that I should get to my doctors to be on the safe side but that I should also rule out pregnancy. I thought he was silly for even suggesting this. Anyway, I wasn’t getting any better around a few days later so I decided to go for the test. Much to my surprise it was positive!! So I took another - also positive. Then a digital one - also positive 3 weeks +! I was in so much shock it was unbelievable!!
So I told my partner and we decided to go for a scan to confirm everything was ok. We went to the scan and I was told I was 8 weeks and 1 day. I was so over the moon. I was so worried before the scan and wasn’t sure what to expect. I can remember the feeling of seeing it and watching it’s little heart beating away like it was yesterday. I was instantly in love!!!
Afterwards, my boyfriend and I decided we would wait until the 12 week scan just to make sure everything was ok.
we went to the scan and confirmed the baby was growing well and it was healthy and there were no concerns.
My boyfriend and I got home that night. He sat me down and told me he didn’t want the baby. My heart shattered in to thousands of pieces. I was just so devastated! I didn’t know what to do or what to say or where to look. I just cried and cried and cried. He said he didn’t feel ready. He was certain he wouldn’t cope with a baby and he couldn’t go through with it. I tried to talk him round to it for hours on end. I told him we would do it together and it would all be ok. I am 25 and he is 31. We live with my parents but have just had our mortgage approved for our own place. He felt we weren’t set up properly to bring a baby in to the world. We will need to decorate and get our house the way we want it while raising a baby at the same time. I knew it would be difficult but I also knew how strong we were together. Despite my efforts - he wanted me to terminate. I cried and cried for 2 weeks before the appointment (I was 15 weeks and had a medical abortion). My reasons were not good enough for terminating. I done it to make him happy - not because I wanted to. His family are extremely religious and do not believe in sex before marriage and I fully believe this influenced him.
I went ahead with the termination which was a horrendous experience in itself and I won’t go in to detail. He was with me the whole time.
Afterwards, I was ok for the first day. Then it came down on me like a tonne of bricks. The intense guilt, the worry, the regret and the utter sadness. I’ve cried every day for hours at a time for the past week. I cannot stop. I just can’t stop thinking about it. I’m feeling suicidal and having extremely dark thoughts. My boyfriend told me he also regrets the decision after seeing what it’s done to me. I tried to split up with him because I’m just so hateful towards him. How can he regret it now? I told him this wouldn’t be easy on me and he still wanted me to go through with it.
I’m stuck in a rut. I panic all the time and when I start crying I don’t stop for hours. I feel so horrible and like I’ve made the worst mistake of my life. And I don’t know if I’ll ever get pregnant again. I told my boyfriend I want a baby and although he regrets his decision he doesn’t want to try for another at the moment. He’s confusing me!
Now that it’s been a while - how do you ladies feel about your counselling? I think I need to do something. I can’t continue in this way but I wondered if you felt the benefits? I just want light at the end of the tunnel!
thanks

Hi Ducky, first off, can I just say that I'm so so sorry you're feeling like this, it's truly the worst feeling in the world and I can completely empathise with you, as I'm sure several others in this thread will be able to too. Big hugs.

To answer your main question, which is does the counselling help, for me I can only say yes, and that starting on anti-depressants was also extremely helpful (thank you @Threebutterflies for the suggestion, I am feeling much better on them). The counselling is like grief counselling for me, and it's really helpful for me to be able to talk about it and express my sadness because I can't talk to anyone else. I would advise you to start counselling asap, and to also speak to your GP about antidepressants because it sounds like you would also benefit from them. You are only 8 days out from the procedure, and are still reeling from the hormones too. With a bit of time you will start to feel more settled, I promise. I am still overwhelmed with guilt and fear and hate (towards my bf), but I am able to function during the day, and I don't have panic attacks as frequently anymore. Mine was ten weeks ago today.

I understand your rage towards your boyfriend, and to be honest from reading your post I am also full of rage towards him. It's so easy for men isn't it, to ruin our lives like this, without a care in the world. He's upset now because he sees how upset you are? What a fucking prick. If you need time away from him to begin healing take it. What I've noticed is that a few weeks after the procedure I cycled through intense feelings instead of just feeling grief and sadness all the time, mostly anger. Don't let him pressure you into spending time with him to ease his guilt, from now on you take care only of yourself, you are your priority now.

You aren't alone in your feelings, sadly there are a lot of women who are in/have been in your position, we're all connected through this experience of womanhood, and it's brutal. I'm glad you found this thread, please talk to us when you need. Sending you love xx

@Luckyducky468 sorry I just realised I didn't tag you in my message to you, it's above this one.

Just caught up on this thread. I had my termination three weeks ago, at 4.5 weeks pregnant. I resonate so much with how everyone else feels on this thread and wondering how you all feel now @scaredorganicyoghurt, @Threebutterflies ? Has time helped at all? I keep going back and thinking the reasons I terminated now seem absolutes absurd and if I had just given myself a little more time to get used to it things would have been ok. I feel like I favoured financial security/practicalities over my own child’s life and my own happiness and that must make me an awful person.

Hi @scaredorganicyoghurt thank you so much for replying to me.
I’m so glad counselling helped you along with anti-depressants. I’ve never been on anti depressants before so I’m really worried about starting them but if they help I’ll call my GP for an appointment to discuss options. Thank you so much for your advice.
I know - men have it so easy! I just feel like it was my own fault for doing it to make him happy when really I should have put the baby first. And now he thinks he should have stopped me. It’s just all very confusing. I do feel anger towards him. We’ve always had a good relationship filled with honesty and love but I feel myself drifting away from him now. I don’t feel the same about him or look at him the way I used to.
I’m so glad I found Mumsnet - I feel I can let it all out without being tied to anything. I wish we could all meet and go for lunch and a cry together lol!!!
thank you so much for your advice and support - it means the world to me x

@Luckyducky468
Hi I’m sorry but I just have to say that your partner sounds awful for what he’s done. Honestly if that was me I’d end things with him straight away . What a shitty thing to do , wait to have two scans to see the baby is ok THEN tell you to get an abortion? No im
sorry that’s emotional abuse. On top of that you were told you would not be able to have kids ? Wtf ? How r you going to cope if you don’t conceive again? This actually makes me so mad. Please please get rid of this man , you can do so much better!

@scaredandanxious01 @scaredorganicyoghurt
hope your both doing ok? I’ve had a rough week. My ex’s sister decided to show me photos of my ex cradling his baby granddaughter. Not gonna lie it’s broke my heart seeing that . I always felt our
baby that I had aborted was a girl . How can he love his granddaughter so much but not care about his own baby ? I really was t in a place to see that although I know he would be a grandad one day as he has older kids . Then my counselling session didn’t help this week as it was about naming the baby I had aborted and giving it a name. It may help some women but not me just made it worse . I have honestly been considering suicide as I can’t take it anymore . All I want is my baby back. If it wasn’t for my daughter I’d actually just kill
myself although if she ever found out I’d aborted her sibling she will probably hate me anyway .

Hi @Threebutterflies! I know right? We have been together for over 3 years and had a wonderful relationship. My family love him my friends love him we’ve had the most wonderful time together. And now it feels like I don’t even know him. It’s like the person I thought he was never existed. We had an explosive argument last night (our 4th argument ever) about all of this. I wanted to leave him for what he’s done and he begged me to stay. I just hate that I didn’t stand up for my baby and tell him I wasn’t terminating. He’s just been such a horrible person these past few weeks and I’m so confused! Life is so hard! 😢

I’m so sorry you’ve had a shitty week! Why do these things all come at once - it makes them so much harder to cope with. That’s horrible news about your ex. He sounds like a right twat and you’re definitely better off without him. I felt the same way earlier in the week. You’re so fortunate to have your daughter to keep you on the right path. She will be your light during your darkest times and I know how you feel. I’m not sure what to say but I’m sending you so much love and hugs. When you are feeling this way just know we all feel you on this thread. Imagine we are holding your hand and being a shoulder to cry on. I’m here if you ever want to PM me in your hardest hours - I can’t always give advice but I can listen and resonate with your feelings.
sending all my thoughts and love to you! X

I really hope you can somehow get over the abortion and find happiness again . I also hope you can have a baby one day when you decide the time is right . It could be worth giving the counselling a try . At least it’s good to get all your feelings out x

My mother did the same thing and was depressed for two years afterwards. What cured that depression was having a baby.

Well I can’t have any more children and the pp said she was told she couldn’t conceive ! But she’s a lot younger than me so hopefully she can in the future . Did you feel angry at your mum for aborting your sibling?

I want to let everyone on this thread know about a healing ministry for women, their partner and anyone else affected by abortion. Its Catholic but anyone is welcome including non-Christians, agnostics, atheists or those of other faiths. Weekend retreats are held regularly and hosted by women who have had abortions themselves. This is a totally non-judgmental place where the focus is the woman and her experience and moving to a place of healing and peace.
I think they also offer counseling over the phone if you just want to speak to someone in confidence.

It's called Rachel's Vineyard after a verse in the Bible Matthew 2:18 "A voice is heard in Ramah, weeping and great mourning, Rachel weeping for her children and refusing to be comforted because they are no more."

www.rachelsvineyard.org.uk/home

Thanks for your advice @Threebutterflies i hope and pray that one day it will happen but it worries me so much that it won’t happen again. I had my first counselling session today. There wasn’t much advice given - it was more around talking about my pregnancy and abortion. She told me about the 10 step programme and I feel a bit better after talking about it. I’m looking forward to the session and have started a journal. I hope you’re having a better day today - I was worried about you yesterday. I also hope that you find happiness and peace one day - you deserve it.

@Hola12345 thanks for your advice but I was told I was infertile by a doctor. After being told that I never used conception and it was 5 years before I fell pregnant so my chances are slim. I hope I’m wrong though.

@Luckyducky468 Hiya. Yeah that’s the one I’m doing I’ve just finished week 6 , which was the only week I haven’t liked. I think when this course has finished I’ll look for another counsellor that can help with abortion and more general things . How are you feeling today ?

@Ravenclawdropout
thanks for the link.maybe it will help some of the ladies on here x

Hi ladies, it's been a while, how are you all getting on? I hope you've all been doing ok.

I took a bit of a break from mumsnet and the internet in general. Would love to report that I'm feeling better, but of course I usually feel as terrible as ever. Still fluctuating. Some days are mostly fine, some days I just can't function. I'm back doing my therapy which is relatively helpful. I wish I could break out of the cycle of "oh my god what did I do" that hits every couple of days.

Anyway, I wanted to check in because I actually think of you all quite often, you're the only people in the world I have that understand how I feel, which is a bit sad isn't it because it's an Internet forum 😂 regardless, I'm sending you all some love from my little pocket of the world, while I'm here with a glass of wine. Greetings friends xxx

Hello everyone
Thought I’d drop in a little update after @scaredorganicyoghurt has also updated :) It is now 10 weeks today since starting my medical abortion. I haven’t had any counselling but I have got a book called The Healing Choice which I started the other day day. Only a few pages in but I can really recommend it - it’s on Amazon. I feel so so much worse about my decision just before my period is due and I’m guessing that is PMS heightening everything. Since my termination, two of the main reasons I chose to terminate have resolved themselves which makes me feel worse about making the decision. If I had just had the courage to carry on with pregnancy, we would have been a absolutely fine especially as we had planned to TTC in a few months anyway if all had been well. Hindsight is a wonderful thing 🙄

Hi
I am still feeling really bad and the regret and guilt is to much to cope with some days . I’m not having any counselling or anything at the moment as nothing anyone could say will ever help me . Just want to go back and change what I did 😔

@Threebutterflies I'm so sorry to hear you're suffering so much, I know exactly the thoughts that no one could ever say something to help you (they haven't to me so far either). How are you doing these days? I've been doing my best to follow your advice to take a break from the internet and stop looking at "where I would have been" if I was still pregnant, which has been really helpful actually, so thank you for that. Means I haven't been on mumsnet though. Sending you good thoughts and a glass of wine xx

@scaredandanxious01 I'll look up that book, thank you for the recommendation. I get what you feel about life kind of "falling into place" a bit, and then the awful feelings that come with "it I had known how my life would be 6 months on, would I still have done it", and it's crushing. Now that things are more settled for me a bit, I'm having that big time. How are you doing at the mo? Lots of love xx

Today was my due date. Took the day off work and had a few panic attacks today and yesterday. Just awful all round. My friends baby was born yesterday and has been sending me photos (nobody knows what happened with me), and it's broken my heart. I wish I was holding my baby.

Sorry your feeling so bad at the moment. I can’t imagine how it must feel being your due date when your friend has just had a baby. I hope you can get through these next few days and find something to take your mind off it. I was thinking about you a couple of days ago and I send you hugs ❤️

@scaredorganicyoghurt
Hi how are you feeling today ?

@scaredorganicyoghurt

hiya just wanted to ask how your getting on now ? How did you cope over the holidays ? I’m not doing to great myself. Have terrible depression and regret. I like you said just feel broken hearted . Find it’s best just to try and keep busy and push it to the back of my mind but it’s really difficult . Hope your doing ok and will be nice to hear from you x

@scaredorganicyoghurt I realised I never replied to your last post. Things have been very up and down with me. I’ve struggled quite a bit over the holidays, thinking I should be 6 months pregnant with a proper bump and putting my feet up. My due date would be March, it falls at a weekend which is worse as I won’t even be at work. Thinking of you too @Threebutterflies

Those of you who are struggling...just for comfort...I had an abortion in June and got pregnant in October. I've had moments where I struggled again and wanted to abort due to being very sick again. Even a few days ago. I'm 12 weeks. My heart can't go through with it. I wish I had waited or remembered why I terminated in the first place but the guilt got to me and I just wanted another baby. Yet all those feelings came back again about how stressful having a third child is. I keep feeling like I should have been content with 2, my 2nd daughter is still only young why have I done this to myself....I.e all those feelings back then have resurfaced. I just wish I wrote down that I was content with 2 and just focus on them instead of try when you can cope with the sickness. The shock of pregnancy and termination really blurs your mind. I wish more people spoke up to share how they feel . There are days when I'm happy I'm having a third but there are days when I think why have I allowed myself to get pregnant again.

Also after the abortion I forgot that I didn't want anymore children and had the I want my baby feeling. I still wanted 3 more kids but then it's taken to be pregnant again to make me think no pregnancy takes a toll on my body and this will be my last. Birth control will be sorted out straight away after this one. We've been safe with heavy duty condoms till now but I'm not risking any accidents in the future. I'll be taking extra protection coil tablets whatever.