Post abortion depression counselling

[Threebutterflies]

So I got a message to say there should be availability soon to start my counselling. It’s a charity that provides counselling for abortion and miscarriages . Really hope that it helps some as it’s horrible living like this. I feel like it’s the same grief as when someone dies , yet with a ton of guilt as it was my decision to end that life . WTF have I done ☹️

@Thrxverd
what Is that I have never heard of it ? Can you get it on the nhs or do you have to pay for it ? I’m on my second week of counselling so not sure if it will be any help or not . It is good talking about what happened though .

@IlltellYou
that sounds awful. They shouldn’t have gone ahead with it then if they knew you didn’t want it but I guess it’s all about money with these places. My counsellor says I have ptsd to from what happened although I wasn’t forced it was just really traumatic. What a life eh 😔

@scaredorganicyoghurt thank you for your reply 🧡 so sorry you are having a bad time at the moment. I hope the next few days will go as you wanted with work & travel…Sending love to you. And to all ladies on this thread @IlltellYou @Threebutterflies @Thrxverd @caringcarer thank you for sharing your most deepest of stories. It really looks like it does help us all.
I have been lucky enough to get away for a couple of days as it’s school holidays at mo, and this has really helped take a lot of my mind off of this. Not sure it will last when i go back to ‘real life’, but if you can do something out of the ordinary it might be a welcome distraction for a little bit xx

It stands for Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing. For me, it was listening to taps whilst thinking about the memory.

www.cntw.nhs.uk/services/first-step/what-does-first-step-offer/eye-movement-desensitisation-and-reprocessing-emdr/

I got it on the NHS but had to ask. I rang Talking Therapies and went for an initial assessment and they were going to send me to CBT but I’d read about EMDR so requested it, and had an appointment within the week. I was quite impressed. As I say, it really did help me. The anxiety really reduced, as did the feeling of being stuck not being able to think about anything else.

Ok interesting. I’d love to be able to stop thinking about my abortion. It’s all I think about 24 hours a day even dream about it sometimes . Unless I make myself really busy or drink alcohol. I hate living like this.

Hi ladies, I thought I'd give you an update. I never heard back from doctor about hcg levels, but this morning (up early as had to take taxi to airport), and I had some light bleeding, but no pads, so I used toilet paper until I could buy some. About a minute into the trip I bled all through my trousers, and had to emergency stuff old knickers into my underwear and sit on a scarf. It's a very painful period, I'm glad that I have my special painkillers with me. I'm so so so sad. I've been wishing for my period (I am very relieved it's here), but I didn't expect to be so sad when it arrived. I wish more than anything that I was still pregnant 😔 in case anyone reads this looking for info about their first period, mine came 3.5 weeks after, and is just as painful and heavy as usual. It's heavy, but isn't the same as a normal period. The clots or whatever are not like normal, but I'm just glad everything is clearing out. Sorry if this is TMI :(

Good grief, I'm so so sorry you went through that (were forced through that). I can't believe that everyone failed you like that, and even documented it in your notes! Unbearably brutal. I hope that you are doing better now. Maybe trauma informed therapy would be more helpful for you as you have PTSD. Sending you lots of love xx

@Thrxverd that's really interesting about the EDMR, I'll look into it, thanks!!

@Springtimecolours I hope you enjoyed the few days off, and that that feeling of being able to have a bit of time off of feeling so terrible lasts when you get back to your normal routine! Xx

@scaredorganicyoghurt thank you for updating us. Im so sorry at the sadness you had yesterday, but glad that you got what you were hoping for and managed to go on your work trip. Just remember you are not alone in your sadness, i’m having a moment now i’m on my own…. We have to remind ourselves of the doubt that was there in the first place and the reasons we made the decision we made… easily forgotten now we are not in that situation anymore and we can actually feel the grief/regret rather than the fear. I know i just have to be with the sadness… it’s like i don’t want to let go of what could have been… x

I just don’t know how to get through this. I made the worst decision of my life. I’m an actual selfish idiot . All the reasons for my abortion were so selfish . I feel horrified at myself.

@Threebutterflies I hope your panic has passed by now and that you aren't feeling as intensely bad as you were forty minutes ago. You are not a selfish idiot, not by any possible metric. You made the decisions with only the knowledge you had at the time. Yes now you regret it, but please don't think you are selfish or an idiot because you are NOT. You're a caring person who made incredibly difficult decisions. I'm so sorry you are feeling so badly this evening. Maybe a walk later on and a glass of wine will help you. When is your next counselling appointment? Sending you love xx

Thankyou both for your lovely messages. I’m just so depressed. I have a counselling appointment tomorrow. How are you feeling now after your bleeding@scaredorganicyoghurt? At least you know now even though u we’re hoping you were still pregnant. Did you start taking the sertraline yet? X

@Threebutterflies im glad your appointment is tomorrow. I'm feeling much better than I was yesterday. No panics today at least, which is good! Today is actually the first day I didn't have one I just realised.
I haven't started the sertraline yet, I'm somehow nervous about that low in mood over the first two weeks, I want to give myself a little time to get settled in just in case I feel really bad. Am nervous cause I can't do my therapy appointments for several weeks :/

I hope you're feeling a little better x

@Springtimecolours thank you so much for your lovely message, that was very kind of you. I'm feeling better today thankfully. I think as well all these hormonal changes aren't helping either :/
How are you feeling today? I hope a little better than yesterday and that the bad moment passed.
You're right, I know we need to remember why we did it :( it's so hard though, isn't it. The period of deciding was pure torture, now I guess there's more space to feel the sadness now. That fear was awful.
Xx

Yes that’s a good idea as it might still be your hormones. If you can go without the AD or just a low dose it’s probably better. I think it can take a few weeks for the hormones to settle after an abortion. I cried for a good few hours earlier I don’t know what got into me . Wish I could turn my mind off for a while and have a break !

Hello again ladies, this sprang to mind, i was wondering if you had heard of the book Wild Power? It’s about our menstrual cycles. The women that wrote it also run redschool.net so you can check out their website. I’ve found it very interesting and helped to give myself more understanding of/appreciate our hormones, bodies and moods/what it means to be a woman and being kind to yourself. They also do menopause stuff so maybe one to consider for the future too.
@Threebutterflies glad you have your session tomorrow, sending you courage.
@scaredorganicyoghurt go with your gut on the pills, you have some doubt so maybe wait a bit. Start reading Wild Power instead :-)

I received some very shocking and sad news late this afternoon, but it was a wake up call (and i’m taking it as a sign) to say hey, make the most of the life you have now. Imagine you are starting at zero and wipe the slate clean from all the bad feelings associated with the past - you control what happens here on now. keep moving forwards focusing on the things that matter to you and what makes you feel good. Connection with those closest to you, making memories with the people who are here now, with the people that love/need you. Find that thing which brings you joy. Imagine it really is your last day on earth and change the perspective.@Threebutterflies you’ve got this xx

@Springtimecolours
sorry to hear you’ve had some bad news . You give really good advice and sound like a very wise women. I will look into that book when I’m feeling abit stronger . That’s a great idea of a clean slate . I really do want to move on from my abortion but just regret it so much . I hope your feeling ok today after the shock of yesterday x

@Threebutterflies thank you for your kind words. I hope the counselling went ok today? You should totally make space for how you feel when those feelings come up, but there comes a point where you end up punishing yourself for way too long. We all do it because we don’t want to let go. But you have to live your life aswell, your life is precious. And for your two children who arrived first… they deserve to have all of your presence and you deserve to enjoy them fully with 100% joy. Today is here but tomorrow is never guaranteed…. Maybe you could set some time aside each day to honour your regret and past pregnancy, and try and keep it to just that time…. (I should try and do that too). With the aim to decrease the amount of time you are ‘down’ and try and make room for more ‘up’ time which you deserve xx

Just seeing how all you lovely ladies are doing now xxx

Hi @Threebutterflies, how are you doing these days? I hope you're feeling ok more often than you're not xx

I'm still feeling extremely low. I had the weekend mostly "off", and it was so hard to not think about it. It feels like in the last week I have heard about loads of pregnancies (friends in real life and famous people on the gram), and it's so hard to deal with. It's also so painful because I can't openly relate to my friends with their pregnancies, or give away that I also was pregnant. I want to openly empathise with them and ask them about specific things but I can't.
I just cannot believe what I did. I know I did it thinking it was for the best, but now all I can think is what the fuck. All day, every two minutes or so, it's what the fuck. I'm not helping myself by googling the stage of pregnancy I would be at. I'm also increasingly terrified of people finding out what I've done, even though I know full well I did nothing wrong.

Im several time zones away and now have nobody to talk to. Can't do my therapy appointments cause time diff, can't talk to my bf on the phone cause of time diff and privacy issues (my colleagues are always nearby). Feeling massively alone. I go and cry in my room quickly. All I want is to be pregnant and im so sure I've blown my only chance at it, and im sick with horror and fear a lot of the time. I really want to not feel like this, but at the same time I kind of feel like I deserve to feel like this :( im also really angry all the time, mostly at my bf. I want him to be hurting like im hurting, and I know he isn't because this pregnancy didn't mean anything to him. "He's sad because I'm sad".

All that said, I am doing my best to enjoy being here, because im pretty sure this is my last time here for work. Im trying to count my blessings and I know this is one. I brought my paints and notebook, so in a few days I want to start painting in the evenings. Writing in my notebook is really hard at the moment. Im scared of reading what I wrote before and re-remembering how I felt. I don't want to bang on about it but all you ladies here have helped me more than you know. On my head I actually write little posts on here when I'm feeling overwhelmed (but can't actually post) 😂

Sorry this turned into a pity party for myself :(

I hope you ladies had a nice weekend. Can you tell me about a moment where you did something nice and enjoyed it? I've been trying to do this in my head. The other day I really enjoyed eating something tasty outside after it rained and I was watching pigeons drinking water from a big puddle.

Lots of love to you all xx

@scaredorganicyoghurt
sounds like your still having a bad time . Why are you so worried about people finding out ? Are they all against abortion or very religious? It’s a shame about this if you can’t talk to any of them about it. Being in the U.k I’ve found it’s not such a problem . I guess some religious groups don’t agree or some very pro choice people. But generally it’s not that rare it’s ment to be one in 3 women who have an abortion. I know what you mean about every couple of minutes you think about it. At first I thought about it every second of the day, then every few minutes now I’ve gone up to an hour or two without thinking about it.
I try and avoid reading anything with celebrity pregnancies etc. And definitely some advice to stop looking at pregnancy stages etc though I know it’s hard. But now I’m forcing myself to stop looking at certain sites .
can I just say how well you write . Your so good at getting across how you feel . Definitely try and do the journal and painting. It’s funny as I do exactly the same thing with writing imaginary posts on here in my head ! But my counsellor said if you write it down it stops going round in your mind so I’m going to try that to.
just going to keep as busy as I can for now . Hope you start to feel better soon x

Pro life groups I meant to say

@scaredorganicyoghurt , I had a termination over a year ago and reading your post is almost word for word my experience for about4/5 months afterwards.

• Was obsessively googling both the stage I was when I terminated, ( seven weeks), and each stage / week of the pregnancy I "would have been."
• Absolutely terrified of people/ friends finding out, ( they would have been very shocked, not because they were particularly religious but because it was incredibly out of character for me; I was incredibly paranoid about people finding out).
• Also had a close family member, (sibling), pregnant at the same time which made things incredibly difficult, hated hearing about friends pregnancies.
• Definitely felt it came into my head practically every second of the day.

Stuff has got slightly better with time, but I still feel incredibly traumatised; I just wanted to post so you knew you weren't alone in your experience/ feelings.

I would also write reems and reems on my laptop; jotting down how I felt and what led me to make such a stupid, ( for me), decision. I jut hope this post makes you feel a little less alone, please feel free to PM if you want to chat x

I keep reading that 5 years later 95% of women don’t regret there abortion. I wonder how true this is ? There’s so many women on here who seem to be struggling after , and believe me I spent hour after hour reading every single thread!
It’s just such an overwhelming feeling of grief, regret, sorrow, guilt . But no way of fixing it . Even when I finish this ten week counselling course I’m looking to do more .
There should be much more help available for women like us who regret it after ☹️

@Threebutterflies , there should be alot more support available; it is incredibly limited. I also feel that whilst BPAS/ NUPAS/ MSI do provide free post abortion counselling for patients, ( which is a good thing), it is so geared up to affirming that women made the "right" decision and shouldn't feel sad, they are not really able to support women for whom abortion clearly was the wrong decision and caused a lot of emotional harm.

Pro-choice is generally good in theory; but often, ( particularly on Mumsnet), it is pro-abortion and not pro- choice, ( very aggressively berating women for exercising their choice not to have an abortion).

I also feel a lot of members of the pro choice community are very angry at women who have had abortions and either regret them or the abortion has caused mental health problems, almost as if they feel we are betraying the sisterhood/ feminism by regretting it.
There was one very upsetting thread on this board where a women, age. 41, was severely pressured into aborting what likely, ( because of her age), would have been her only child, ( she had split up from her ex-boyfriend by the time she realised she was pregnant, and he repeatedly threatened to commit suicide if she didn't have the abortion). The poster involved was naturally distraught after the termination, , and even then, she had pro "choicers," who instead of comforting her openly posted they didn't like her posting this "in case reading this puts other vulnerable women off abortion."