Unplanned Pregnancy through 1 night stand

[Cymraeg12]

I’m 31yrs old, had a one night stand with someone that I’ve known for a few years and found out that I’m Pregnant a few days ago. I informed the guy that I was pregnant and said he wouldn’t a a-hole about the situation but once he realised that I was considering keeping the baby, it became all about him, that his family wouldn’t understand the situation as they were old school, that he didn’t want kids yet, that I was being selfish for keeping his baby even though he doesn’t want me too and is pushing me to get an abortion. I don’t think I could go through with it just for him.

Even though I have a supportive family and friends and this baby will never go without…he’s managed to get into my head and I can’t stop wondering now if I’m being selfish because I’ve wanted a child for as long as I can remember, having PCOS makes it harder and I know my age also comes into this at some point. I can’t stop feeling guilty that I will be bringing my child into the world knowing that their father doesn’t want them. I need some help because I feel like I’m in a fog and don’t know what to do!!!

@Iamanicepersonreally

Well, of course it's not his body, but it's still his child. Does that count for absolutely nothing?

His child that he wants aborted because he's embarrassed to tell his mum he had a one night stand?

He doesn't see it as his child.

Thank you all for your comments. As I only found out a few days ago, everything if very new to me so I’m taking all comments on board especially about childcare and the more I think about it the more I will look into other options and speak again to my parents about this.

My mind is still in a bit of a fog but I do thank you all for the comments. Even the judgemental ones! I knew I was going to get them so honestly it’s okay.

You have all given points that I need to think about and I’m glad a few of you can see where I’m coming from and my mindset.

But for now I’m going to enjoy a family Sunday and spend some time with my nieces and nephews.

Be prepared to either have to share time with your child with him, his family and a possible future stepmum, or for them to have no involvement and offer no support.
However if you are in a position to raise a child then congratulations. Plenty of people plan children and still end up splitting up.

As he did wear a condom it’s obvious he was responsible just unfortunate for him but fortunate for you that it split. I’m all for men supporting women they get pregnant but as it was a one night stand and he did try and stop pregnancy expect nothing from him ever. He has made it very clear he does not want this child. Focus on you and the baby as a unit. That’s the actual foreseeable future.

Would he change his mind. Will you find a different man and form a family unit with him? No one has any idea.

Your body; your choice. He is panicking. Let him come to terms with things.

Imagine This time next year, will you be devastated without a little person in your life or relieved?

This will give you the answer you are looking for

@ragwort you realise the MAP only works if you havent already ovulated? If you've already ovulated it doesnt do anything anyway

Congratulations OP. This seems like a no brainer to me. You have wanted a child for a long time without success . You are now pregnant and this might be your only chance. You have the means to support you and your child even without his support.
Its fate! Keep the baby, the father will just have to deal with it in whichever way he chooses.

31 is a good age to have a child, not so late to be worrying about any extra risks, and particularly so when you have PCOS and the fertility challenge of that.

Also OP it sounds like you have plans and can support this child. I wouldn't expect the father to be around but thats his choice. There are plenty of women starting families via sperm doner now and going into this as single parents (theres 2 in my office of 70 people). You wont be the only one you know going it alone

Dear OP

Huge congratulations!

Nobody’s situation is ever 100% ideal and it’s never the 100% ideal time to have a baby. It sounds like you’re very lucky to have a home, a lovely family network and a job. I hope you keep the baby. As for the father, he’s not the first or the last to panic upon hearing the news. Babies are often unplanned, that’s just life.

You deserve to be happy, you deserve to keep your baby.

Please feel free DM if you need emotional support or just a chat.

I was in a similar position although had dated for a few months and am glad I kept my daughter as since then I’ve had four miscarriages. I made the decision knowing I could financially provide for a baby whatever happened.

Hi OP,

I am alive because of this exact situation.
We were always poor.
My mum was a single mum.
I didn't meet my Dad until I was 27.
My mum is my best friend. My Dad is lovely too although rather useless. I have great relationships with them both.
I resented being poor maybe once or twice in my whole life. I have certainly had plenty of opportunities to make it otherwise and I wish my mother hadn't sacrificed quite so much for me and been a bit more selfish.
My point is - you don't know what will happen in future, but money is a temporary situation, how the father feels is a theoretical situation, how you will feel about his involvement is theoretical, how the child will feel about him will largely depend on your presentation of the issue to the child. What is real and now is that you're pregnant. Are you happy about it? Okay with your life changing?
I've never thought, I wish I wasn't alive because it wasn't an ideal situation to be brought into.

Congratulations op. A baby is a wonderful gift. I got pregnant at 30 to my now dh when we hadn't been together long. His initial reaction was to be supportive but to be honest other than that there is not much difference to your situation. I didn't know him very well then and he could just as easily have abandoned me before the baby was born. I remember thinking what he thought didn't really come into it. I wanted the baby. My mum said that she would childmind but we decided that more than 1 day a week would be too much for her. She loved doing it and was always a bit offended I put my daughter into nursery the other days.

You sound like you have a supportive family. That is the most important thing I think. He may come round, he may not come round. It doesn't really matter, the baby already exists and what happens next is your decision alone.

As it stands it is your decision only. Poor bloke though, he had ONS, used a condom. She decided not take MOP, and now she made a decision that he is going to be a father irrespective of his wishes. I hope they wol hurry up with reliable male contraceptive implants/pills

I have never read such a load of judgey people.

This is supposed to be s support site aimed at predominantly women..

Op is pregnant- not planned... has healtth issues that may make it very difficult to concieve.

Been pro choicevi s about womens bodies , their choice. Not making men the centre of everything.

You do what is right for you.

If you want to go ahead then congratulations, go for it, seems you can cope ok. But I don't think it's fair to involve the father or expect child support because you state the condom split and he's made his opinion clear.

As the Grandmother to a child that has no contact with their Father, think very hard about how this poor child may feel, being unwanted and unloved by a parent is devastating and can never be fixed, no amount of love from others or a good standard of living can make the situation any better. This is not about you or him, the important one in all of this is the child, they will carry the cost of this mess for the rest of their lives.

He simply can't tell you what to do with YOUR body and then make you feel less than, because you've made a choice different to him. Your body, your rules.

The only reason to have a termination would be because you don’t want to have a child now. This is your body and your baby, put anything that the father says out of your mind and focus only on what you want.
It sounds as though you want the baby ? I have two friends who coped with single parenthood as teenagers, with no support whatsoever. Now both Grandmothers.. I had an unmarried relative who managed to keep her baby, in the 1920s, with help from her family, mainly her sisters.
You sound in a better position than this. It is hard being a single parent but I know many women who have done it from the off, or from baby/toddlerhood, for a variety of reasons. Someone I know adopted a toddler as a single mother and coped really well.

@Iamanicepersonreally

Well, of course it's not his body, but it's still his child. Does that count for absolutely nothing?

Hang on. The father wants the mother to abort his child? What the hell are you on about?

He could have made a decision not to have sex. Sex is not a human right like food or shelter. There are consequences to one’s actions and he will be legally liable for child support. It’s up to OP to decide whether such financial contribution from him is welcome or not.

@LowlandLucky

As the Grandmother to a child that has no contact with their Father, think very hard about how this poor child may feel, being unwanted and unloved by a parent is devastating and can never be fixed, no amount of love from others or a good standard of living can make the situation any better. This is not about you or him, the important one in all of this is the child, they will carry the cost of this mess for the rest of their lives.

So are you suggesting that if a father doesn't want the child it is better for that child not to live, even if the mum and other people want it? If so that's a bit sick.

@LowlandLucky maybe take on some of the responsibility yourself that you’ve raised a son who has made a child that he has nothing to do with. If he had worn a condom this ‘problem’ wouldn’t exist.

@FreeBritnee I'm guessing she's the mum of the daughter who kept her child?