Unplanned Pregnancy through 1 night stand

[Cymraeg12]

I’m 31yrs old, had a one night stand with someone that I’ve known for a few years and found out that I’m Pregnant a few days ago. I informed the guy that I was pregnant and said he wouldn’t a a-hole about the situation but once he realised that I was considering keeping the baby, it became all about him, that his family wouldn’t understand the situation as they were old school, that he didn’t want kids yet, that I was being selfish for keeping his baby even though he doesn’t want me too and is pushing me to get an abortion. I don’t think I could go through with it just for him.

Even though I have a supportive family and friends and this baby will never go without…he’s managed to get into my head and I can’t stop wondering now if I’m being selfish because I’ve wanted a child for as long as I can remember, having PCOS makes it harder and I know my age also comes into this at some point. I can’t stop feeling guilty that I will be bringing my child into the world knowing that their father doesn’t want them. I need some help because I feel like I’m in a fog and don’t know what to do!!!

You obviously desperately want this child. I don't see anything in your circumstances that would suggest to me that abortion is your best option. Yes, I'm sure it would be "even better" if you and the father were in a happy, stable relationship, but it's not as though you're going to be providing your child with an intolerably unbearable life!

It's fantastic that arbotion is there for those who need it. But it's not the default option.

@Ragwort no I didn’t subconsciously plan this and so what if I’ve wanted a child for a long time. Wanting a child doesn’t mean I would sleep around just to fall pregnant!

It's your choice op, just be prepared for the father to want no part in the child's life. I'd struggle with that personally.

Apologies OP (& FourTea) if I came across as being rude and judgmental - I guess we all approach these discussions from our own point of view ... for many women having a baby is a positive and wonderful thing to do .. for myself it was the most challenging decision I ever made and it took me 12 years, in a committed marriage with a supportive DH to decide whether or not to have a child. For me (& I understand we are all different) to have a baby after a ONS would have been untenable.

It sounds as though your family is fully supportive and I wish you well for the future.

There is so much judgement here this morning.

OP, please don't listen to his pressuring. You don't owe him anything and it's not your job to make his life easier. It's perfectly ok to tell him you need some space and not speak to him or read any texts for a while. It's so important that you listen ONLY to yourself. It's easy to lose your own sense of things when other people stick their oar in. Trust me, I know and have been in your situation, only the person pressuring me was my mother, who was horrified at the thought of me being a single mother. I had the abortion and have always regretted it. I got married later and had three wonderful DCs, but guess what? I ended up a single mother anyway and am raising all three alone.
Take time to think on your own. Get his voice out of your head and focus on what YOU want. If he doesn't want a baby he doesn't have to be involved, other than a financial contribution.

Consider your childcare plan a bit more yet… even the most keen grandparents struggle with full time (heck, even the most keen parents have days that’s difficult) childcare. But hoping it all works out for you.

I also absolutely would not rely on him for a financial contribution.

I would speak to whatever real life friends or family you can about this. Mumsnetters cannot give meaningful advice on whether or not you should have a child because they don’t know your situation.
Pertaining to the father, he absolutely has zero say as to whether you keep the pregnancy, but at the same time you can’t compel him to be a “dad” to the child.
I believe he will bear some legal (financial) obligation, and that might be unfortunate for him, but really, tough shit.

Personally I’d keep a baby in your circumstances OP. Others wouldn’t. Neither decision is inherently wrong or right. Do have a think about what ONS is likely to do long term. If you keep the baby will he disappear into the ether or will he decide he wants shared residency? I’d decide to keep the baby, send one text saying that’s what’s happening and then ignore all texts designed to change your mind. I’d let him know once baby was born, but I’d let him disappear if that’s what he wanted. I know some people would prefer that their child knew their father’s extended family etc but to be honest, families are complicated and don’t always get on and only having your own side to worry about sounds pleasantly simple to me. Honestly I’d find it much harder to deal with in your situation if ONS wanted to be an involved parent.

Congratulations!

His views are legally irrelevant and I think morally so too.

You may though, if he's as much of a whining bully as he sounds, to better to cut all ties with him.

A resentful father does not add much.

Congratulations
If your parents are supportive, you have a home and a stable job then all you have to do is tell the father if he doesn't want to be involved you'll leave him be and go through CMS for support then block him.
Start taking your folic acid, book your first healthcare appointment and beginning today save as much money as possible.
My uncle is early seventies and minds my cousins two children four days a week. Has since the first was 1 and he was a spirited child! So it's not impossible that your Dad will manage but do build up as much savings as possible in case he needs a break one or two days a week.
I'm coming from this as someone who can't have children so may have a different perspective but I hope you can start to feel giddy with joy soon.

Keep the baby. You want one, and you have PCOS, so you might find it hard to get pregnant again further down the line.

OP you are pregnant. You didn’t mean to be but you are and if when you think of the future that makes you happy then it’s your choice. Make the decision for you. Futures aren’t something that can be entirely planned anyway - we go with our gut and make the rest work.

Why didn't you use contraception? I'd be suspicious tbh that you happened to get pregnant after a one night stand. I knew a girl who slept around on the basis of getting pregnant and did because she was in her early 30s.

What a shitty thing to say. I hope you're more supportive in real life. Pregnancies after one nights stands happen all the time.

I find it very bizarre that people are saying that the father’s views are irrelevant. The fact that they used a condom indicates that they were trying to avoid a pregnancy. The condom split and at that point, the right thing to do would be MAP. Saying that hindsight is a wonderful thing is very blasé. The father has an equal say in this, but you want to deny him that right. I’m not saying that I think you should definitely have an abortion, but your views are not more important than his.

But @Iamanicepersonreally that is not legally the case. And the OP is planning to care and finance the child herself. And it will be the OP who either has a termination or goes through the risks of pregnancy and childbirth.

Genuinely, why are his views as important?

@Cymraeg12 congratulations!!!
Taking all the pressure from the dad away this pregnancy sounds like it was meant to be.

A lot of people would not be in such a great position to have a baby. The dad is panicking majority, you never know he may very well come around when the baby is born. He sounds in shock right now.

You wanted a baby, you are pregnant - everything happens for a reason.

Enjoy your pregnancy and your baby you deserve it xx

First of all, OP, please ignore the very unhelpful previous posters who have listed the things they would've done differently or suggested you impregnated yourself on purpose! That's awful and not helpful and I'm pretty sure they wouldn't say that to your face if you were sat having a conversation in a coffee shop so please ignore their bile.

You sound to me like a very practical person - the fact that you sat down with your parents and went through your options supports this. You have a home, stable income, childcare options - there's plenty of children who are brought into this world with a lot less, so it sounds to me like you're in a fine position to raise your baby alone. If you want to keep this child, particularly if you are likely to have fertility issues further down the line, then I say go for it.

The father sounds a bit feckless to me. He came across as all supportive and "I'm not a bad guy" initially but turns on a sixpence the minute you suggest keeping the child rather than aborting it. Clearly his "traditional values" fall short of stepping up and taking responsibility for his actions. Nobody's suggesting he marries you but at the very least he could be supportive of your decision to keep the baby. If I were you, I'd assume he wants nothing to do with the child and prepare yourself to do it all alone - if he changes his mind later and decides he wants contact with baby then great, but if not, at least you won't have got your hopes up for nothing.

Practically speaking, have a think about who you want to come to scans/appointments with you as I wouldn't recommend you bother trying to include him. Your scans are a magical moment to be treasured and you don't want to have those precious moments tainted by this bloke scowling in the corner because he doesn't want to be there and has only come with you under pressure of keeping up his appearance as a "good" guy. Have you got your Mum, a sister, close friend, etc. who can go with you instead? Are they willing to be your birth partner too for when the time comes to welcome your little baby into the world?

Also, make sure you give the child your surname and don't put him on the birth certificate - you can always claim child maintenance payments off him using DNA as proof so don't feel you have to be railroaded into sticking him on the certificate as that'll likely be something he throws at you at some point. It always astounds me how many men are willing to be absent fathers yet their vanity makes them insist on the child being given their surname, etc. Like they're branding the kid as their property or something?

Also, get yourself some counselling support, and make sure your midwife knows of your situation as they can signpost you to other support services aimed at single parents.

Wishing you all the best, OP

My friend was in this position and her parents agreed to do childcare. 4 years on her relationship with them is in tatters as they are exhausted by her child but she can't afford the bill for childcare by herself even with the government support. She's in tears at work a lot because they ask her to leave early as they can't cope and during the lockdown it was a nightmare. Her parents wanted to shield quite rightly, but we cannot be furloughed so she had to send him to a nursery she couldn't visit first for 40 hours a week. Hopefully your parents would remain fit and well but looking after kids in your 30s is tiring, in your 50s+ it is exhausting. I have kids but choose to work full time because its so tiring 🤣 but I use paid childcare.

OP this was exactly my situation however the "father" was an a-hole from minute one.
You obviously want a baby, you have a supportive family. You will cope. I went to the GP when I discovered my pregnancy and went through my options. At the end of the appointment she just said I shouldn't ask myself if I could live with a baby but ask myself if I could live without this one.
Think logically, and plan your future without this man in the picture. X

Firstly many congratulations! You seem to be able to look after Baby when he/she arrives . I would go ahead with the pregnancy .Its funny how many men seem to enjoy a ONS ,but suddenly have "old fashioned parents " and a "traditional" upbringing all of a sudden isnt it! No matter its your baby and you are entitled to keep it

I’d be very careful assuming that your dad is a long term childcare solution. Presumably he was pretty shocked when you announced your pregnancy and your parents may have been jumping to solutions to make you feel better. Full time childcare from a retiree is an enormous commitment. I personally wouldn’t be banking on this offer coming good at all.

Personally I’d abort in your situation. You are still young. You can put your energies into finding a partner and if that doesn’t happen you now know that you’re happy to go it alone. But if I was becoming a single mother by choice, going down the sperm donor route would be 100% preferable to bringing a reluctant absent father into it.

Congratulations - you want a child, you are pregnant

Block him until much later on in pregnancy so he gets out your head

@Cymraeg12

Very much trying to take emotions out of it but I suppose my hormones are making this hard.

I very much can afford to be a single mother, I have family and friends that all live close by and I have a home to bring this child up in. I know childcare where I live is rather expensive but as my Dad has just retired he has said that he will be more than happy to look after the baby when I go back to work. I work 9-5 so I wouldn’t have to change this.

Do you really want your DF, who I assume is 65 as you’ve said he’s retired, looking after a baby??? I look after my grandchildren 1 day a week, I’m 62, in good health, and it’s knackering! Make sure you factor in childcare costs rather than relying on your DF to do it.

To add my two penn'orth, if you have PCOS (I did) then remember that you might not be so lucky as to fall pregnant again. I had years of trying, several miscarriages and felt really lucky to have given birth. You want the baby, in your shoes I know what I would do.