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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

Original poster

Unplanned Pregnancy through 1 night stand

129 replies

Cymraeg12 · 12/12/2021 07:59

I’m 31yrs old, had a one night stand with someone that I’ve known for a few years and found out that I’m Pregnant a few days ago. I informed the guy that I was pregnant and said he wouldn’t a a-hole about the situation but once he realised that I was considering keeping the baby, it became all about him, that his family wouldn’t understand the situation as they were old school, that he didn’t want kids yet, that I was being selfish for keeping his baby even though he doesn’t want me too and is pushing me to get an abortion. I don’t think I could go through with it just for him.

Even though I have a supportive family and friends and this baby will never go without…he’s managed to get into my head and I can’t stop wondering now if I’m being selfish because I’ve wanted a child for as long as I can remember, having PCOS makes it harder and I know my age also comes into this at some point. I can’t stop feeling guilty that I will be bringing my child into the world knowing that their father doesn’t want them. I need some help because I feel like I’m in a fog and don’t know what to do!!!

OP posts:
user1471538283 · 12/12/2021 09:31

Practically I doubt your DF can look after the baby full time for years. So you will need to budget for childcare. You also need to think when the baby is older for childcare then which is expensive and difficult.

It is so hard being a single parent and in effect your life is on hold. But you will have an incredible bond with your child.

stingofthebutterfly · 12/12/2021 09:32

Honestly, give this poor bloke a chance. It's been days since you told him he was going to be a father. That's a huge amount of information for someone who has been trying for a baby with their long-term partner, let alone a bloke who had a one night stand using a condom!

Let him process the information properly, then talk to him when he's less shocked, then make a decision on how you're going to parent this child between you. Don't be surprised if he wants a DNA test first.

Soontobe60 · 12/12/2021 09:33

@Cymraeg12

I do not sleep around just to try and get pregnant. And I find the fact that you think this is okay to say disgusting. We used a condom but it split.
So why didn’t you use the MAP? If you used a condom, you clearly didn’t want to get pregnant. By not taking the MAP, you’ve actively decided to play Russian roulette and won.
bonetiredwithtwins · 12/12/2021 09:37

To be honest taking the MAP was your responsibility - he could hardly take it for you and so yes it does come across like you have taken advantage of the situation - if you were my daughter I'd be incredibly disappointed in you - I feel sorry for the chap that now he is going to be a father against his wishes and a child won't have a father in its life and yes that has elements of selfishness on your part - you saying "you've wanted a child for as long as you can remember" is very telling. Just because you don't want or need a father for your child doesn't mean your child doesn't want or need a father

shiningstar2 · 12/12/2021 09:38

To me your comments/ answers seem to imply that you want to keep this baby. You have wanted a baby, you can afford it, you have s job and childcare. Bringing up a baby alone isn't easy but please don't have an abortion to please somebody else. I help Eve the impact on your mental health would be huge. Good luck 😀

MsRedhook · 12/12/2021 09:38

I knew a lady in a similar situation. She had been with her partner for years and they had tried for a baby for so long and we're about the start IVF. She was late 30s. He left her. She was devastated, got drunk and went out. Had a one night stand and fell pregnant. The father wanted nothing to do with her after that. She is now very happy as a single mum to her much-loved baby. I'd keep the baby in your situation.

Toolatebaby · 12/12/2021 09:39

Just wanted to add to what others have mentioned about your dad being your childcare option.
Can you afford an alternative right through junior school until the child is old enough to go to school or come home alone.
Say If you had no option but morning and afternoon clubs that's roughly £16-18 a day term time. And holiday clubs are around £20-25 a day, please factor these costs and whether you can afford them alone.
No one can know what's around the corner health wise for any parents taking on child care.
However saying all that, you will find a way round any issue as we all somehow do.

Also, you won't be the first or last person to have been in this situation and brought up the child alone.. There's probably a lot of people out there who wish they were.

All the best and congratulations Flowers

shiningstar2 · 12/12/2021 09:39

believe .. not help Eve 😁 clumsy fingers 💐

Uninterested · 12/12/2021 09:43

I've not read all the replies.

If I was you I wouldn't go through with the pregnancy. It's hard enough raising a child but the thought of doing it when the Dad doesn't want the child seems like a bad idea. I'd be wants nothing to do with the child then that's bad and if he wants contact but is pissed off with the mother then that bad. It just seems like extra stress and uncertainty. There is NOTHING wrong with being a single parent but that's different to having a baby with someone that actively doesn't want to have a child.
This should be about what's best for any child above all else.

FreeBritnee · 12/12/2021 09:45

I think you’ve got to assume that if you have the baby he will do a complete 180 and demand 50/50 then palm the child off onto his mother. As long as you can live with that then crack on.

Awrite · 12/12/2021 09:47

Christ, will posters stop going on about the MAP?

Op - I was on my own for the first year of dc1's life. I look back very fondly on that year. My family are very close to her. She is very, very loved.

Best of luck whatever you decide. I suspect you have already made your mind up.

Keepitonthedownlow · 12/12/2021 09:50

Congratulations OP. Check your benefit entitlements on the turn2us website as you are likely to be eligible for up to 85% of childcare costs. Good luck

ScrumptiousBears · 12/12/2021 09:51

One thing I'd mention is always consider what you'd do if your family change their mind about childcare. It's really hard to look after small children and my mum struggled as I think she forgot what it was like a bit so I had to make some alternative arrangements.

ArthurTudor · 12/12/2021 09:52

Some posters should be ashamed of themselves. What is bleeding on about the MAP going to achieve? She's pregnant now. And to the poster who says the father's views should be taken into account - I'm sorry but no. Her body, her choice.

You sound financially stable, you've got help nearby. However I would look to factor at least part time childcare into your plan, I don't think you can expect a grandparent to do 5 days a week - maybe 3.

To be honest it sounds like you've already decided so I don't think this thread is going to help much. Good luck and best wishes X

Keepitonthedownlow · 12/12/2021 09:52

Some people on this thread are very judgemental. It's easy to be when you're not in the OP's shoes. What if she never gets the chance to get pregnant again?

roarfeckingroarr · 12/12/2021 09:53

Congratulations on your pregnancy OP. Never abort a wanted baby, especially not on the whims of an idiot man. It sounds like you're in a better situation than most who plan their babies. Ignore the naysayers and look forward to this beautiful new chapter in your life. My DS is 13 months now and I've been a single mother since he was 9 months. It's wonderful, he's the light of my life and every day is filled with love and joy.

Fridaynight2021 · 12/12/2021 09:53

Congratulations OP. As a daughter of a loving mother and a very useless and absent sperm donor, ‘unwanted’ babies can still live a happy and fulfilling life even if it’s only the mum that wants them! I never wanted for a dad, my mum has been my everything. We walked a different path to the normal and my mum doesn’t deny there were hard parts, but she never had family nearby to help out and it sounds like you will have some support like that. You can do it if you want this baby.

PizzaCrust · 12/12/2021 09:58

Plenty of kids are “wanted” then the dad fucks off and doesn’t give a shit anyway.

If you want the baby, keep the baby. You sound like you understand the situation and as long as you don’t deep down want the dad to change his mind to play happy families then I don’t see why you shouldn’t.

NandorTheRelentless · 12/12/2021 09:58

@Palmfrond

I would speak to whatever real life friends or family you can about this. Mumsnetters cannot give meaningful advice on whether or not you should have a child because they don’t know your situation. Pertaining to the father, he absolutely has zero say as to whether you keep the pregnancy, but at the same time you can’t compel him to be a “dad” to the child. I believe he will bear some legal (financial) obligation, and that might be unfortunate for him, but really, tough shit.
Mumsnetters cannot give meaningful advice on whether or not you should have a child because they don’t know your situation

But also mumsnetters can give advice that's not based in "being nice" because they don't know you, and can say what they think is right without being fluffy

I think you have decided you want this cold and I wish you all the best, but you will be doing this on your own. Your dad may not be able to look after your child full time so you must have a back up plan.

NandorTheRelentless · 12/12/2021 09:58

* child not cold

Iamanicepersonreally · 12/12/2021 09:58

I genuinely don't understand why the father's views shouldn't be taken into account. The child is his as much as hers. Why shouldn't his views be taken into consideration?

roarfeckingroarr · 12/12/2021 10:01

@Iamanicepersonreally because it isn't his body growing the child and frankly there's nothing he can do

girlmom21 · 12/12/2021 10:04

Don't rely on your dad for childcare.
My in laws insisted they wanted DD 5 days a week (both early 60s).

I refused and we compromised on 2.
That didn't last long and rather than just say it was too much, they started making excuses.

Luckily as DD was already in nursery 3 days a week, they shifted things to accommodate the random last minute days we needed, but you won't have that if you need it.

I'd look at whether you can afford childcare.

Iamanicepersonreally · 12/12/2021 10:04

Well, of course it's not his body, but it's still his child. Does that count for absolutely nothing?

girlmom21 · 12/12/2021 10:05

@Iamanicepersonreally

I genuinely don't understand why the father's views shouldn't be taken into account. The child is his as much as hers. Why shouldn't his views be taken into consideration?
They have been. She's not expecting anything from him.

He just doesn't get to force her to go through what would be a traumatic medical procedure.