*Sensitive topic* - termination

[ED81]

This isn’t meant to be offensive to anyone, just my experience.

I have always been ambivalent about having children but DH and I decide it was a now or never situation so we decided to try. We were successful and I became pregnant this year. The day I found out I was pregnant I instantly felt like it was wrong, there was no joy at all and only regret. I didn’t want my life to change and that I liked being child free. I didn’t want sleepless night, relationship pressure or to worry about childcare or be a constant entertainer. I like lay ins, long baths, going away whenever or watching tv undisturbed.

A month later I had a termination and felt instantly lighter and brighter. My DH was supportive and was also his preference to terminate.

I’ve now done reading on pregnancy depression. I’m now wondering if this is what I had? Or was it just pure and simple that I didn’t want to have a baby and now looking for excuses? I still believe the termination was correct for us. I do sometimes wonder “what if”........

Any guidance would be appreciated.

@ED81 I agree with pp, I think it would be far more gradual than how you describe your experience, and you have done the right thing by not having a child for the sake of it or out of guilt. I think it sounds as though you went with your gut so try not to worry about the what ifs.

I had pregnancy related anxiety, so not exactly the same as depression and it came on fairly gradually, getting worse and worse closer to the due date. I'm no expert of course but can only tell you of my own experience.

@disconnecteddrifter. You sound like you’ve had a very hard time. It’s such a difficult decision. You did what was right for you at the time though.

It’s only been a couple of days so please be kind to yourself. Take day as it comes. You have my every sympathy and understanding.

Anytime you need some comfort we are here.x

Thanks for sharing @pfrienddd. You sound like it was the best choice for you too and that’ life has worked out well since. I’m glad you are now happy.

@Starlive23. I suppose that is my concern is that I terminated out of fear, low mood and anxiety. But I also do think it was gut feeling. Will maybe never know for sure. Anxiety really is horrid isn’t it. I hope you are well now?x

@ED81 did your body / boobs return to normal after your abortion?

This is not advice, which I am not qualified to give, but I want to tell you that something which made me feel better very quickly was going back on the pill. The change in me was remarkable. You may not want to be on the pill indefinitely but it certainly helped me.

@namechangemarch. I didn’t actually even feel pregnant (slight sore boobs though) so didn’t notice anything changing afterwards.

@jessstan2. I may consider the pill again. It’s actually my usual form of contraception but do feel better without it. I used to feel “foggy” on it.

I’m currently waiting for my period to return so until then my hormones might be a bit wild. I kinda feel like I’ve got pmt which is always a bit grim anyway.

I'm not sure I would go on the pill if I felt 'foggy' on it, it was just a suggestion from me because it made me feel better. I may, however, have felt better anyway.

You don't say how long ago you had the termination, ED81. It takes a little while to recover. It's possible that starting periods again will help and you say you feel pre-menstrual at the moment - will this be your first period since?

Hi, it’s been a month.
This will be my first period. I hope it helps when it arrives.

I have been in your position op. First of all, I am sorry for your loss. Because despite making the choice for yourself to have a termination, it is still a loss. It can be such a hard decision to make. The first time that I got pregnant, I felt the same as you. Absolute fear, and a sense of "what have I done?" In the first day I sort of knew I would have a termination. I left it a little bit to see how I felt, but I just knew having a baby was not right for me at the time. After the termination, I felt relief and sadness. I stand by my choice 100%, it was the right thing for me to do. The fact that I felt relieved proved that for me.

That being said, for a year or two after I still struggled when I saw other people with their children. It's been 6 years and I still wonder "what if" but I absolutely know I did the right thing. The second time I became pregnant (last year) I was immediately filled with joy and excitement, it was completely different to the first time because I was now in a very different position.

The alternative to the termination, is irreversible. It's brining an innocent baby into a world where it is not wanted, or not able to be provided for in the way it deserves. Part of being a mother is making the hard, awful decisions for your child. Sometimes that decision is a termination.

I really hope that you will start to feel better soon, op. Don't beat yourself up.

Aw thank you @ShadierThanaPalmTree. That is kind. That feeling you describe is absolutely how I felt. It’s so odd as wanted to be pregnant. I do wonder why my reaction was like that?

I appreciate your reply. I so hope I do manage to get by this.x

I don’t agree with with the termination but it was what was best to do

Maybe this is something you really need to investigate your feelings on. If it was fir the best, why don't you agree with it?

And

I’m sad that children now won’t be a part of our life

But they could be. It's still a possibility. A lot of people freak out when they get pregnant or their partner does, even if they've been trying for ages and even if they've had IVF etc. It's a big life change and responsibility. It's not always an instant high at all and when you weren't 199% sure & it happened so quickly, I don't think the way you felt was surprising.

Some would have just kept going, you chose to terminate and not risk it still feeling like a mistake once the baby was here. It's a choice and neither is 'right'.

But I feel, once your hormones are settled again that you really need to look at those two things you said and what everyone has saud and revisit the decision about whether to have children or not.

Maybe it's not never, maybe it's just 'not yet'.

Take care of yourselves & each other.

I don’t know about depression as such I would say no. It could be a rude awakening as the things you listed is true your relationship changes!

I think it’s odd to realise this after falling pregnant though (as I would assume these thoughts would have crossed your mind already).

Overall if you decided motherhood was not for you at that stage it’s absolutely right you didn’t have the baby because it could have all gone so very wrong for you OP!

Antenatal depression takes a while to hit, you don’t feel it straight away. You clearly didn’t want to be pregnant so made the correct decision for you. It’s normal to feel guilty, depressed or even grief after an abortion. Some women feel absolutely fine, others struggle with the decision for some time. I’m glad you’re receiving counselling, it will get better in time.

@WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants. I agree with what you suggest. I need to explore both issues.

How I’m feeling does feel hormonal - if that makes sense. I wish my period would just come to see if it is!

@Bul21ia. My reaction to pregnant was so veryunexpected and we had considered all those things (before trying to conceive) that I’d mentioned so even more odd!

@Norwaydidnthappen, yeah I think it is only natural to feel my emotions like this. Everyone seems so different. It’s not a regret thing though. What I feel is flat, anxious and a bit sad (almost Pmt like). Maybe it wasn’t for now....but I’m 39 so might be what it is forever.

Deep sigh....

Thanks for listening. I know I’m rambling somewhat.

I think your thoughts are normal.
I had my termination four weeks ago, I don't regret it, I know that I did it for the right reasons for me and that I'll be a Mum someday. Then three days ago I saw a photo of my colleague's baby bump for the first time and burst out crying!
The body has been through a lot, don't be so hard on yourself.

@ZZGirl. Thanks. I really feel a bit consumed by it all.

I want this feeling to pass but it’s lingering.

@ThisWitchSinks

And that goes for all the others who have piled in. Seriously. Would you say this to someone face to face who’s trying to come to terms with an abortion?

The thing is, with a friend and family member, you do want to be sensitive to them, and may fudge what you really think.

I don’t think I need to fudge my opinions for a stranger on the internet, sorry. Isn’t that what posters want though?

@UsedUpUsername.
I don’t really know what you are meaning?

My point is that presumably you and your DH had a calm discussion about this beforehand? So what changed after the positive pregnancy test?

It sounds like the underlying reasons for trying were still there and had not changed?

That’s the part I don’t understand. Either you really hadn’t considered everything beforehand and are now firmly deciding you don’t want kids, or you let anxiety take over. For your sake, I hope it’s the first.

@UsedUpUsername.
Everything was considered. Very much so. I have no idea what happened the day I got that positive result.

I’m confused too so not asking anyone else to understand.

I had a similar experience to you last year and like you I ponder it often and have been having counselling since.

We weren't trying as such but both thought if it happened it would be lovely and we would make it work. In hindsight I'd been struggling with low level anxiety and depression for a long while before and the positive test triggered a very quick spiral downwards for my mental health. I know lots of women are scared and overwhelmed when they find out they are pregnant, but everyone reassured me that the feeling would pass and I'd soon start to feel happy and excited. The reality for me was the opposite and over the course of about 4 weeks my thoughts turned darker and darker until I caught myself wondering if my best option was suicide. I couldn't bear to look at the pregnancy app on my phone and I'd often be so hysterical that I couldn't move or talk. It was honestly such a bleak time for me and I still have trouble making sense of it. I was prescribed anti depressants but they made me feel worse at first and stopped me from sleeping. In the end I had a termination just before 9 weeks. It was hard and I still wonder if I made the right choice but there was a sense of definite relief, but also a really strong determination that it wouldn't be for nothing and I would get help for my mental health. The trouble is when you're in a depressed joyless fog you cant see the wood from the trees and just having the pressure of the pregnancy taken off me allowed me to properly engage with therapy and become 'better'.

I'm now pregnant again and my experience was the complete opposite of the last time from the beginning. I feel so much joy and excitement, although I do still beat myself up about the last time.

for you OP, it's never a straightforward decision and sometimes things happen in a way we never expect. I hope you find some peace with it all soon.

@SunflowerOwl. Thanks for sharing your story. Sounds like you had a very hard time but took control of the situation and made a very difficult decision.

Did you feel this way from the time of the positive result? I know I did. The day before I wanted to be pregnant. The day of the result - I didn’t. Can’t explain it.

So glad that things improved and you are happier and more in control.

Low mood/depression/anxiety really is grim.

Oh Op i really feel for you! I hope you are starting to feel better?

When i got pregnant with my ds he was a kind of accident (one night no protection did not think i would actually get pregnant! But knew the risks so cant say complete accident)
We were engaged due to get married the following year and kids were on the horizon but not that soon.

When i found out i was pregnant i was initially in oh shit mode but excited. But i remember once it became real really struggling, i didnt want to be pregnant it felt too soon, i got really low and felt awful, made a huge mistake didnt want it. It was only when someone said well you can have an abortion and i was like no thats not an option that i realised i did want him and started to feel better.

What im trying to say in a long winded way is i think you did what was right for you. I think everyone gets those feelings you described to be various degrees and it can go either way. The instant relief you described i think shows you didnt want it and was the right decision for you at the time.

Try not to be to hard on yourself, its never an easy decision to make, you just need to look after yourself.