*Sensitive topic* - termination

[ED81]

This isn’t meant to be offensive to anyone, just my experience.

I have always been ambivalent about having children but DH and I decide it was a now or never situation so we decided to try. We were successful and I became pregnant this year. The day I found out I was pregnant I instantly felt like it was wrong, there was no joy at all and only regret. I didn’t want my life to change and that I liked being child free. I didn’t want sleepless night, relationship pressure or to worry about childcare or be a constant entertainer. I like lay ins, long baths, going away whenever or watching tv undisturbed.

A month later I had a termination and felt instantly lighter and brighter. My DH was supportive and was also his preference to terminate.

I’ve now done reading on pregnancy depression. I’m now wondering if this is what I had? Or was it just pure and simple that I didn’t want to have a baby and now looking for excuses? I still believe the termination was correct for us. I do sometimes wonder “what if”........

Any guidance would be appreciated.

Yes, that. It really is hormonal but it will go, I promise.

You people are absolute freaks. You're basically saying abortion is only okay if it's an accident.

NO - Abortion is for any women in any situation. It sounds like you made the right choice OP.

Well, for what it's worth OP, I was very similar to you.

I was ambivalent to having children, but with a very loving partner, financially secure etc, I thought 'Why not?' believing a load of BS about how 'As soon as you're pregnant you'll change and want a baby', 'It's different when it's yours'... etc...etc...

Even before I tested my mood dropped dramatically - I'm not talking a little bit sad, I'm talking to the point I was suicidal and prescribed anti-depressants having never had any mental health problems before in my life or ever having been prescribed anti-depressants before. I cried every day, felt my life was over and I literally couldn't see any joy in anything - it was truly horrible and by week 7 I was planning on taking my own life as I just couldn't cope with how bad I felt.

So - we planned to conceive, had sex once, I fell pregnant and then felt so low I terminated at 12 weeks. I was already having weekly counselling for a phobia but even talking to the counsellor didn't help.

For me, it wasn't about sleepless nights or being a constant entertainer as I kinda figured your life is pretty much over for the first few years of a childs life (as in, you put the child first, have to deal with lack of sleep and other unfun things but it gets better as the child gets older) it was about literally feeling so bad that I'd rather be dead than continue the pregnancy.

After the termination it took about 2 months to feel 'OK', a lot of beating myself up and regret for even trying in the first place, but also gratitude that BPAS was very supportive and my partner (now Husband) was very, very supportive throughout - as were a lot of family and friends who weren't judgemental at all.

I don't know if you had pregnancy depression - I guess it's different for everyone? I believe I had antenatal depression as I've since been formally diagnosed with PMDD and hormones seem to affect me worse and worse the older I get.

@LordOfTheOnionRings

You people are absolute freaks. You're basically saying abortion is only okay if it's an accident.

NO - Abortion is for any women in any situation. It sounds like you made the right choice OP.

This.

OP - I’m so sorry you’re having all the shit thrown at you.

Mumsnet is so useful for so many things but this area seems to have some really twisted ideas about the circumstances where abortion is right and when it’s not.

If it’s right for you at the point you have to make the decision, it’s the right decision. And it doesn’t have to be 100% right. This is the whole point of being pro choice. You don’t get to undermine or question the choices of others.

(And don’t start me on the fuckers who say “if you’re not 100% don’t do it”. I doubt many are able to be 100% about such a big and final decision.)

I wasn’t certain. I’m still not certain. But I did it. It doesn’t matter why but I made the best decision I could, with the information I had at the time I had to make it.

Strength op. Keep on the counselling. I am. This will get better. And maybe you’ll have a baby in the future. Maybe you won’t. Both choices are valid.

Thank you all so much. This has helped. I very much realise this is a sensitive topic and not for everyone - it’ certainly has strong feeling and that I totally get.

My reaction to pregnancy was so very surprising. Never would I have predicted it. Never would I thought I’d have an abortion. But until you are in those shoes......

I’m sad that children now won’t be a part of our life.

It’ is positive to hear that things do improve. I’m very luck my husband is incredibly supportive.
xx

@FluffyPersian. sounds like you had a really though time. How frightening for you. It’ really is truly overwhelming isn’t it.

I’m sure you never predicted that’ this would have been your outcome. It’s odd that some women just know that they want to have children, many say “no way” and some are ambivalent. The latter one makes things so much more confusing and difficult. And I’m guessing so many women are in that camp where a leap of faith is then taken.

I’m so glad you had a supportive partner & that he is now your husband. He sounds wonderful. Likewise with your family and friends.

Thinking of you.x

@ivfbeenbusy

I should say first I absolutely do support a woman's right to choice. However I do think it was wrong to have almost experimented by getting pregnant first and then deciding it wasn't for you. Abortions aren't there to allow you to "try before you buy" . This wasn't an accidental pregnancy or conceived in bad circumstances (violent partner etc). You knowingly set out to make a baby And that's exactly what you did.

I think you are using what you have read about pregnancy depression to give your feelings a label to make you feel better about your decision/assuage your guilty feelings?

I do sort of agree with previous posts that you should consider more permanent forms of contraception for both you and your partner going forward

Agree with this. I don’t understand how you can consciously get pregnant and then decide against it. I mean if your circumstances changed financially, or your husband left or whatever I can see that but it just seems you decided you didn’t fancy it after all

Thanks @ThisWitchSinks. Counselling is definitely helping.

I initially had pre abortion counselling with Marie Stopes. I truly felt cared for when I was speaking with them. Even when it was over the phone arranging it with people in their offices. They were nothing but compassionate. I’ll never forget that.

I hope things continue to get better for you too. You have been so kind.x

Abortion is there so that you can have choice; you changed your mind. That choice is there for you. I’m glad you used it and are feeling better ❤️

@parsnipsnotsprouts

What on Earth are you hoping to achieve with that post? You are entitled to your opinion but I can’t think of any reason for your posting except to cause more hurt and distress. It’s certainly not helpful.

Gently I would suggest that this is not the part of the site you should visit.

And that goes for all the others who have piled in. Seriously. Would you say this to someone face to face who’s trying to come to terms with an abortion?

Thanks all.
I’ve actually really struggled the last 3 or 4 days. My mood feels flat. Hopefully it will pass though. It’s almost pmt like so hopefully my period comes soon.

@HeartvsBrain

Well I am sorry OP but I do find this very offensive. I do not understand why you have posted this? I believe that no-one should try for a baby unless they (and their partner if they have one) passionately want to have one. As you have posted this I feel entitled to ask you to please get yourself sterilised. I also hope that your partner has a vasectomy, as he was just as bad trying for a baby when he did not passionately want one.

What a ridiculous and judgmental post! Get a grip, people change their minds which they are completely entitled to do.

I don’t think heartsvsbrain is using much of either.

OPs experience is hers. How self centred do you have to be to find someone else’s termination ‘offensive’?

@LordOfTheOnionRings

You people are absolute freaks. You're basically saying abortion is only okay if it's an accident.

NO - Abortion is for any women in any situation. It sounds like you made the right choice OP.

Absolutely this.

@ED81 It sounds like you've made the right decision for you. Your hormones will be all over the place right now so be kind to yourself. I've had a termination myself and even if you believe it was the right decision, it can still mess with you - mine still does many years later.

Sorry about the pile on op . I think people are being over emotional and unkind due to their own situations. I wish you well and hope you feel better in yourself soon

@HeartvsBrain

Well I am sorry OP but I do find this very offensive. I do not understand why you have posted this? I believe that no-one should try for a baby unless they (and their partner if they have one) passionately want to have one. As you have posted this I feel entitled to ask you to please get yourself sterilised. I also hope that your partner has a vasectomy, as he was just as bad trying for a baby when he did not passionately want one.

You find something offensive that has NOTHING to do with you so please kindly fuck of with your projecting over something you know nothing about. That goes to the other PPs too.

@ED81 you can change your mind and more importantly you are ALLOWED to change your mind. You do not have to justify your decision. The choice is available to all women for a reason.

As to whether you could’ve been suffering from prenatal depression is uncertain. Its true a lot of people suffer with shock and trepidation, sometimes anxiety on finding out they’re pregnant but this doesn’t seem to fit with what you’ve explained here. It might be worth exploring with a therapist why you felt the pressure to have a child and work through the feelings you’re experiencing now.

Just remember, whichever way you flip this, you made the right decision for you and that is more than acceptable

I’m sorry you’ve had so many negative reactions, OP. It’s really not anyone’s place to criticise you (especially on the pregnancy choices board!!)

You are allowed to change your mind. You are allowed to feel one thing on one day, and then feel differently.

Not everyone who has a baby ‘passionately wants one.’ How can you ‘passionately want’ something you’ve never experienced?? A lot of women take a risk, without knowing how they will feel once they have the baby. It sounds like you did that, and how you felt then became obvious to you. It’s a good thing that it became obvious before the baby arrived, rather than after. Babies don’t ask to be born and I respect that you made a difficult choice.

And there is clearly no need to get sterilised, there are plenty of effective methods of birth control out there. That suggestion is only bitter and nasty.

thanks for all the support. Some people have been negative. I can take that though - I don’t agree with what I did. And it’s a difficult topic for some.

I’m just a bit worried about my flat mood. Seeing little boys and girls out n about has been difficult today. Think I’m going down the “what if” route. Always ends in disaster!

I’d been having counselling with Marie stopes but had felt ok so stopped. I’ve now booked in another session. They have been great to be honest. I have a male counsellor but he is so kind.

I really hope my mood is period (hormone/pmt) related. It’s been 4 weeks post abortion so hopefully due around now. Also naturally would be now too.

@ED81. I get the flat. And the unpredictable surges of anger/sadness.

I’m still getting counselling from the bereavement midwives abs have just booked some private counselling, because while I now believe I’ll get some peace, I need more time and help.

Hopefully we’ve scared off the twats and trolls.

Fear of the unknown seems to be your mindset back then. You focused on all the negative things that could happen that would change your life rather than the positive. Your mindset might not necessarily be that in the future. A baby massively changes your life, but in my experience the good far out weighed the bad.

Terminations are incredibly sensitive subjects and I feel for you, some of the responses in here are horrendous as usual.

If you and your partner decide to discuss this situation again, maybe try and find someone who can give you a more balanced view than doom and gloom.

@ThisWitchSinks. It’s good that you can recognise that. I hope that counselling works well for you to give you peace of mind.

It’s like a tunnel we are in.....light is at the end & we’ll come out the other side.

The trolls and twats seem to have gone. The comments that are left are actually minor to the ones Mumsnet deleted!

You did what was best for you. I had a termination at 18, I always look back now thinking it was the best decision. I felt a bit down in the few weeks after I had it, but that lifted.
Some People will always be judgemental around the subject of termination, but it is a valid choice. You choose what is the right decision for you and your family at the time.
Ignore the comment about sterilisation, what a ridiculous comment to make to someone.
I hope you're feeling a bit better?

I'm so glad to find your thread. I had a termination on Tuesday because I was unsure about circumstances that had changed and had some sort of depression where I felt my life was over. The sadness guilt and horror I feel now that I have done it is indescribable. I knew I couldnt have carried on though.

I had a termination when I was 19, I already had a two-year-old and planned the second pregnancy. However in the short time between deciding to have a baby (joint decision) and finding out I was pregnant, I also realised what a shit relationship I was in (by that I mean he attacked me when I was holding our two year old). Even though I wanted another baby I decided to have a termination, I knew I could not cope with the fall out of the relationship ending and 2 young children as a single teenager.

I was so upset, I cried all the way through the very long consultation (multiple rooms, scan, consent, discussion re. process etc with different people) and all the way home. A couple in their 20s came and sat next to me in the waiting room. The taxi driver who drove me home must have thought I'd had some devastating diagnosis or someone has died I was so upset, he kept asking me if I was okay, but what was I supposed to say. On the day I was calmer and by the time it was over just relieved. I then had a period of grieving, I felt like I had lost a baby, even though it was my own decision.

My 2-year-old is now a 20-year-old, an only child. We have a lovely life and a great relationship. His childhood was stable. I have built a good career. It took me a long time to emotionally deal with the abusive relationship and I honestly doubt I would have been able to if I'd had that baby. I still feel sad sometimes. Part of that sadness is for my younger self at what a horrible time those couple of years were. I'm not sure I could make that same decision a second time, thankfully I've never been in a position where I've had to consider it. It was absolutely the right decision though, I have no regret I made it and I'm glad I was strong enough to.

My story is different from yours but I can completely understand how someone ends up in the situation of ending a planned pregnancy because they've realised it's not the right thing, and how devastating that decision- even though it is the right one, is to deal with. I hope in time you have as much peace as I do about it.