*Sensitive topic* - termination

[ED81]

This isn’t meant to be offensive to anyone, just my experience.

I have always been ambivalent about having children but DH and I decide it was a now or never situation so we decided to try. We were successful and I became pregnant this year. The day I found out I was pregnant I instantly felt like it was wrong, there was no joy at all and only regret. I didn’t want my life to change and that I liked being child free. I didn’t want sleepless night, relationship pressure or to worry about childcare or be a constant entertainer. I like lay ins, long baths, going away whenever or watching tv undisturbed.

A month later I had a termination and felt instantly lighter and brighter. My DH was supportive and was also his preference to terminate.

I’ve now done reading on pregnancy depression. I’m now wondering if this is what I had? Or was it just pure and simple that I didn’t want to have a baby and now looking for excuses? I still believe the termination was correct for us. I do sometimes wonder “what if”........

Any guidance would be appreciated.

OP, it is unlikely that you would coincidentally develop depression on the same day you confirmed the pregnancy.
Further, if that were the case, you would then have felt regret after the termination, and wanted to try again.
The fact that you feel only relief suggests you made the correct decision, and you prefer a child free life.

Yeah, it seems very unlikely that’ depression would pop up so quickly. It was instant as soon as I did the test. From that moment on it was like a pit of despair. But I’m not sure if pregnancy depression is sudden or is it slow?

Up till the day before I really wanted it to be positive.

Suppose the reality of it happening was very different.
Thanks for your reply @Babdoc. Really appreciate it.

Not at all @HeartvsBrain. You are entitled to think as you wish.

I believe a woman has choices and would never criticise someone for a termination.

This decision was not taken lightly - believe me I agonised over it. And still am to certain extent, hence coming to Mumsnet to discuss if it seemed the right choice. I realise you think not.

Hi OP. I had depression in my pregnancy and also suffer severely post natally . Our baby was very much planned like yours and the depression was gradual. I remember panicking a little when I saw the positive test , more because I was like ‘wow this is it, it’s so real now’. Terminations are a personal choice and if it was right for you and your partner then that is ok. It is nobody else’s decision but yours . Please think carefully before trying again should you wish to have a baby, for your own sake and the babies sake. Take care ♥️

We all wonder 'what if' about everything. I also wonder why you decided to try after thinking 'now or never' and instead didn't come to the conclusion 'never' given everything youve said about not wanting children.

I am pro choice for any reason, at any stage but the thinking that got you there seems nuts. Agree re a vasectomy for your DP.

At least if anything this experience has solidified your decision to not have children and to take appropriate action to prevent it happening again.

@AyyX. This wasn’t a thread to see who agreed or doesn’t agree with termination. It will generally always divide. The way you describe it certainly wasn’t the way it happened.

I terminated for my own reasons and I stand by that. What I’m worried about is if I did it for the way I was naturally feeling or because of depression.

@HeartvsBrain. I won’t be getting sterilised. What a bizarre instruction.

Thank you @PumpkinSpicedLatte. I hope you take it day by day. Depression really is dark but like going through a tunnel there is always light at the end.

ED81: I won’t be getting sterilised. What a bizarre instruction.
.....
It was probably a suggestion rather than instruction and makes sense if you want to avoid pregnancy in future.

Finding out you are pregnant can send you into a sort of panic and depression isn't uncommon but it usually passes. It happens to men too, even my husband felt weird for a couple of weeks (not nasty with it), and we had both planned the pregnancy. It didn't last.

I hope you have now recovered and feel better. Enjoy your life.

Good luck.

Can you not see in hindsight why you did it? I think if you did it because of 'depression' you would feel regretful wouldn't you? It sounds like you didn't want to be pregnant so terminated. That isn't pregnancy related depression.

I've had a termination and like you felt relief after.

I nearly had a second termination - I was heartbroken over it but felt I had little choice. I had a miscarriage before I could do it.

I look back on both situations clearly - is there a reason why you can't? It sounds pretty clear and I don't understand why you are clouding it with wondering if you had depression. If you're wondering I don't think you did.

How pregnant were you when you had the termination?

@Cocksinsocks. It felt like an instruction.

I was ambivalent re children. The whole thing has been an emotional rollercoaster and really saddens me.

Thank you for your reply though.x

Sorry above for @jessstan2!

I should say first I absolutely do support a woman's right to choice. However I do think it was wrong to have almost experimented by getting pregnant first and then deciding it wasn't for you. Abortions aren't there to allow you to "try before you buy" . This wasn't an accidental pregnancy or conceived in bad circumstances (violent partner etc). You knowingly set out to make a baby And that's exactly what you did.

I think you are using what you have read about pregnancy depression to give your feelings a label to make you feel better about your decision/assuage your guilty feelings?

I do sort of agree with previous posts that you should consider more permanent forms of contraception for both you and your partner going forward

But why are you saddened? That's the crux of it really.

It can feel emotional because you're hormonal but if you don't want to be pregnant there's no need to torture yourself. It's fine to have an abortion and it's just a medical procedure

@Cocksinsocks I was 8 weeks. I found out at around 4 weeks.

I can see why I did it. I realise that not everyone will understand why I’m now clouding it will possibly depression symptoms.

It’ was all so brand new - I’d not been pregnant before. I thought I should be jumping for joy and I wasn’t. I realise now that is quite a common reaction. I genuinely felt low and incredibly anxious when I found out my pregnancy result that morning.

I think you know you did what was right for you. I have a DD (17m) and when she was 8m I accidentally fell pregnant. Before I had DD I always wondered what I would do if I accidentally fell pregnant but never did, and conceived her whilst actively trying. When I found out I was pregnant when she was 8m there was no question. She's a poor sleeper, DH and I were feeling the strain, financially we couldn't afford another, we couldn't find childcare for another, I didn't want to take more time out of work. It sounds awful, but it was the easiest decision I've ever made. Found out very early, had a scan and I was just shy of 5 weeks. They sent the pill out in the post and I did it at home a few days later. I had absolutely no pain though I know this is rare, and the termination was successful. I've never regretted it or looked back. I wasn't ready, we weren't ready. And we may go on to have other children, but that still won't make me feel like I did wrong by terminating my last pregnancy.

No one has been pregnant before they become pregnant for the first time.

I think you are making a problem where there isn't one. So what if you had pregnancy depression? If you were happy, then became pregnant and was depressed, then terminated and your depression was instantly cured. That's good isn't it? You aren't depressed now.

I'm not sure what good seeking out stories about how people were depressed during pregnancy but now love being parents will do. Being a parent wasn't for you. It's great to be child free, you don't need to put a diagnosis on it.

@ivfbeenbusy. Just trying to sort out if what I did was for my own reasons or depression.

It looks like for my own reasons. It does sadden me and that is allowed. I wished for a baby and unfortunately it didn’t work out. We had thought long and hard about it and certainly wasn’t a whim. Reality is very different as it is with many situations.

I didn’t terminate easily either. I had private counselling with Marie Stopes. There was a lot of tears, worry and wakeful nights. And that’ I should continue. But what is worse, bring a child into this crazy world when we have discovered we don’t want to?

I don't see the point of your post, you say you're looking for guidance but in what?

Pregnancy and raising children is a massive step and needs to be fully committed to before going ahead. I don't see why anyone would get pregnant on purpose before deciding they didn't want kids after all.

That being said, I hate the thought of any children living in a family where they're seen as an inconvenience rather than a blessing.

I was only looking for some guidance on depression in pregnancy and how it manifested.

I wish you all well.

@sqirrelfriends. I realise that people won’t get this post. That’s when I put a warning in the tile.
I (stupidly) didn’t expect the judgement from Mumsnet. But hey! It’s here.

The post is not for everyone.

I should say first I absolutely do support a woman's right to choice. However I do think it was wrong to have almost experimented by getting pregnant first and then deciding it wasn't for you. Abortions aren't there to allow you to "try before you buy"

I think that is incredibly unfair. OP hasn’t said anything at all to suggest she wasn’t sure about getting pregnant and thought “well I’ll do it and see how I feel”. No one can predict how they will feel, it sounds like her reaction was a shock to her and she had a lot of counselling.

OP you might still be able to access counselling from BPAS or Marie Stopes if you feel like it might help you? They don’t only offer it before abortions, you should be able to access it after as well.

Thanks @ChristinaYang10
I certainly didn’t believe I would have the reaction I did. And never in my own nightmares would I have thought I’d terminate. This very much wasn’t an experiment.

Im still receiving counselling.

I don't think that should say first I absolutely do support a woman's right to choice. However I do think it was wrong to have almost experimented by getting pregnant first and then deciding it wasn't for you. Abortions aren't there to allow you to "try before you buy"
Is unfair at all, ops reason for her abortion is not to
worry about childcare or be a constant entertainer. I like lay ins, long baths, going away whenever or watching tv undisturbed.

Unless you have never been around a child, watched anything with children on it, or spoken to parents, then surely you would consider that this would be part of life as a parent, before actively trying for a baby?