*Sensitive topic* - termination

[ED81]

This isn’t meant to be offensive to anyone, just my experience.

I have always been ambivalent about having children but DH and I decide it was a now or never situation so we decided to try. We were successful and I became pregnant this year. The day I found out I was pregnant I instantly felt like it was wrong, there was no joy at all and only regret. I didn’t want my life to change and that I liked being child free. I didn’t want sleepless night, relationship pressure or to worry about childcare or be a constant entertainer. I like lay ins, long baths, going away whenever or watching tv undisturbed.

A month later I had a termination and felt instantly lighter and brighter. My DH was supportive and was also his preference to terminate.

I’ve now done reading on pregnancy depression. I’m now wondering if this is what I had? Or was it just pure and simple that I didn’t want to have a baby and now looking for excuses? I still believe the termination was correct for us. I do sometimes wonder “what if”........

Any guidance would be appreciated.

I don't know about depression but the day I found out I was pregnant with my planned and prepared for dd, I felt trapped. Very trapped. I knew that was it, for the rest of my life. My life would change, it was (for me) too late to get out of it. I went ahead, I stand by my decision, but every pregnant woman has to be free to make her own choice.

@MichelleScarn. That is not what this thread is meant to be about. The judgement from everyone else is enough.

Thanks @DoingItMyself. Feeling trapped isn’t a nice feeling but I bet quite common.

OP, your response to becoming pregnant is quite a common one. I had it in all three of my pregnancies that went to term, all of them planned, after miscarriages each time. It passed quite soon with the first two, but with the last one, after three consecutive miscarriages, I felt like that until the day I went in to be induced at 10 days overdue. It was like a switch flicking as soon as I had her, and I am very, very glad indeed at having gone ahead, with all the pregnancies. It is the case that, had you continued with the pregnancy, you might have changed your mind. However, the fact that you were ambivalent beforehand makes that less likely (IMO). It may also be that you simply realised, faced with the reality, that it wasn't for you. And (again IMO) the only 'reason' for having a termination is not wanting to be pregnant any more. It's vital we have that choice.

@MitheringSunday. Thanks. I didn’t consider that the feeling could pass - and perhaps not until 9 months. But that is a big risk isn’t it. Glad it worked out for you.

Risk it all being ok and then it’s not? There was endless scenarios to consider.

I now feel sick with it all today!

Op I posted a long reply yesterday which seems to have vanished, my dodgy wifi.

But, this is the third thread on same thing. It's confusing to follow and would be better in one.

• did consider

@brokengate. This is from today?

ED81
I really hope you come to terms with your decision and you manage to move on with your life
It does seem like it was the right decision for you at the time
Please don’t live your life wondering “what if”
The hardest part of life is acceptance, we all have to own and accept the choices we make. Don’t beat yourself up for the termination, you don’t have to justify it to anyone.

Thank you @insancerre. This without doubt has been the most difficult thing I’ve done.

I must not continue to go down the road of “what if”....

The danger of that is that it is romanticised. When the reality is that it’s very hard work which nobody knows the outcome for.

@ED81

Sorry above for *@jessstan2*!

Just wanted to say I had an abortion at 21. It was definitely the right decision for me, my only regret is that I was not more careful at the time.

Life does go on, I married a lovely chap and became a mother in due course.

If you're still in counselling keep at it. Working through your own feelings is going to be much more helpful than asking after others I think?

But reading your posts as I understand it - you were ambivalent about having children but decided to try and get pregnant, you became pregnant and decided you didn't want to be so had an abortion and afterwards felt relief.

You don't have to torture yourself op. You can continue with your life. You can take that feeling of relief and just keep it.

[quote ED81]@MichelleScarn. That is not what this thread is meant to be about. The judgement from everyone else is enough.

Thanks @DoingItMyself. Feeling trapped isn’t a nice feeling but I bet quite common.[/quote]
I don't understand what you mean @ED81. 'This is not what the thread is meant to be about'?

As pp its absolutely your choice, there's no judgement in my post, just confused that you didn't consider the basic aspects of parenting before deciding to become parents.

@Cocksinsocks. Yeah, won’t be asking Mumsnet even again I think! Silly me.

Professional talk is the way.

Are you okay ED?

I don’t know why you’ve received such awful responses. It is infinitely better to decide having a child isn’t for you than to bring a child into a situation where he or she might be resented.

I’ll PM you.

OP, I’m sorry you have had some unpleasant and unsympathetic responses on the thread.
I feel that you are just seeking reassurance that you made the right decision for the right reasons, and there is no need for people to be judgmental.
For what it’s worth, I do think your decision was right for you. I think you are perhaps just feeling a bit worried afterwards, that you were influenced by hormones/depression/panic when you decided. As I said upthread, if that were the case you would now be consumed with regret and guilt and “what have I done”, and be desperate to try again. You are not. You were counselled thoroughly at the time, and you have felt relief since. I would put the whole thing behind you and reconnect with enjoying your life.

Thanks @daffodilsandprimroses and @Babdoc.

Yeah, maybe I was seeking reassurances too. It’s been a crappy time! But realise that’ it’s difficult for people to understand.

@Babdoc

OP, I’m sorry you have had some unpleasant and unsympathetic responses on the thread. I feel that you are just seeking reassurance that you made the right decision for the right reasons, and there is no need for people to be judgmental. For what it’s worth, I do think your decision was right for you. I think you are perhaps just feeling a bit worried afterwards, that you were influenced by hormones/depression/panic when you decided. As I said upthread, if that were the case you would now be consumed with regret and guilt and “what have I done”, and be desperate to try again. You are not. You were counselled thoroughly at the time, and you have felt relief since. I would put the whole thing behind you and reconnect with enjoying your life.

Excellent post!

People largely haven't been unsympathetic or unpleasant or judgmental but most people have replied and said their terminations were as a result of an accidental pregnancy. Not deliberately getting pregnant and then changing their mind because they want lie ins and a long bath.

It's good you have accessed counselling OP and I hope you get the help you need. As others have said you need to put this behind you and enjoy the things that you valued above having a baby in the first place

Did that make you feel good there ivf?

@ivfbeenbusy. They are not the reasons I had a termination. They are just things I enjoy. The reasons are far more complicated and obviously that isn’t being understood.

The main reason for this thread was to ask about depression in pregnancy. Not for opinions on termination. I don’t agree with with the termination but it was what was best to do.

I’m worried that my life won’t be the same again but I need to allow myself to move forward.

Hey. As always, lots of unwarranted judgement here. It sounds like you made a really difficult situation. I think hormones and emotions can trick you into thinking you’d like a child, it’s just as likely that your emotions got you to try for a baby. And those same emotions made you realise it wasn’t for you. I think especially as women we grow up thinking that we will one day want kids and then we have to take a leap of faith and just get on with it. I had no idea if I wanted children but thankfully it was right for me. It wasn’t for you, and that’s fine. You realised early and you made a selfless decision to end it. It would have been worse if you’d gone through with it, so a few people of mumsnet didn’t get upset.

It does sound like you’re experiencing a little anxiety, I’d mention what you’ve put here to your counsellor. It sounds like you’re trying to rationalise something that can’t really be rationalised and it can become quite obsessive if you let it.

Sorry if this post doesn’t make any sense OP, I’m really tired. Sending a big hug x

Ergh I just read it back and I made very little sense. Apologies 🤣

@Wink182. It definitely makes sense and haven’t thought about it’ like that before. Thanks for your kind words. Yes, will discuss with counsellor for sure.

Definitely not feeling very good about it all this evening though. But that’s ok. Need to acknowledge that.

ED81, it isn't long since you had the abortion. Hormones take a while to get back to normal afterwards, the same as if you had a miscarriage, so feeling weird and depressed is not unusual. It was like that for me and know others for whom it was the same. It does pass but takes longer for some than others.

Maybe now you have talked it all out on here you will start to feel better. I do hope so.

Thanks @jessstan2.

Do you mean being low afterwards? I’m certainly feeling that way. But like you say hormones are doing weird things. And I’m still waiting for my first period.

Really hating it all right now. But hey!