Hi everyone, please be kind... I have been beating myself up for months. I had a termination back in September. It was a shock to be pregnant with a third child with two kids in elementary school. I was terrified and was very afraid of Covid as well and taking care of my two kids at home doing remote schooling while also working from home. I was also very unhappy in my job and wanted to find something else and just it felt so overwhelming and a bad time. I wasn’t sleeping at all either and was feeling so sick. I made it six weeks and was freaking out.
I have always been pro choice but never thought it would be me. I went to the appointment just for counseling, honesty not even thinking I could do it, but it was a very fast appt and they gave me the pills to take home. My husband kinda stayed out of it and was like, do what you want to do. I was in a state of panic, and was worried about my job situation and Covid ( had seen news reports of multiple pregnant moms dying from Covid) and the fear of being pregnant and not being able to have the support of my community and family during this crazy time. I totally panicked and get like I just wanted this over, etc., I ended up taking the stupid pills and have regretted it ever since. I have been grieving a lot. I have been seeing a counselor once per week and also have called in to the after abortion hotline multiple times to talk things through with people who can empathize.
In the meantime, I also managed to secure a new job in healthcare and got my first vaccination for Covid and have the second one scheduled in a few weeks. I am thinking about trying again for a baby since the job/Covid fear issues are much better. My other lingering issue was feeling overwhelmed at the thought of a baby after having older kids, and I know this won’t go away, but I know I would make every effort to cope and do well by this new child.
I know I can’t make this right, but I feel the intense desire to have something good come from this, some hidden blessing and to bring forth new life into the world. I know 100% I would not terminate again, even if my mental health deteriorated or I was high risk. I would not go anywhere near that clinic! I am 36 so I do have some time but am considering starting to try this Spring. Husband is on board but wants to make sure I am not doing this out of grief. I know that is part of it, but I also think I would absolutely love another child and now that my parents and myself would be fully vaccinated by then, I would have more emotional support and not be so scared to leave the house as I was previously. Has anyone been through this? Please be kind. Xoxo