Regretted abortion in September. Thinking about trying again...

[SaraJune36]

Hi everyone, please be kind... I have been beating myself up for months. I had a termination back in September. It was a shock to be pregnant with a third child with two kids in elementary school. I was terrified and was very afraid of Covid as well and taking care of my two kids at home doing remote schooling while also working from home. I was also very unhappy in my job and wanted to find something else and just it felt so overwhelming and a bad time. I wasn’t sleeping at all either and was feeling so sick. I made it six weeks and was freaking out.

I have always been pro choice but never thought it would be me. I went to the appointment just for counseling, honesty not even thinking I could do it, but it was a very fast appt and they gave me the pills to take home. My husband kinda stayed out of it and was like, do what you want to do. I was in a state of panic, and was worried about my job situation and Covid ( had seen news reports of multiple pregnant moms dying from Covid) and the fear of being pregnant and not being able to have the support of my community and family during this crazy time. I totally panicked and get like I just wanted this over, etc., I ended up taking the stupid pills and have regretted it ever since. I have been grieving a lot. I have been seeing a counselor once per week and also have called in to the after abortion hotline multiple times to talk things through with people who can empathize.

In the meantime, I also managed to secure a new job in healthcare and got my first vaccination for Covid and have the second one scheduled in a few weeks. I am thinking about trying again for a baby since the job/Covid fear issues are much better. My other lingering issue was feeling overwhelmed at the thought of a baby after having older kids, and I know this won’t go away, but I know I would make every effort to cope and do well by this new child.

I know I can’t make this right, but I feel the intense desire to have something good come from this, some hidden blessing and to bring forth new life into the world. I know 100% I would not terminate again, even if my mental health deteriorated or I was high risk. I would not go anywhere near that clinic! I am 36 so I do have some time but am considering starting to try this Spring. Husband is on board but wants to make sure I am not doing this out of grief. I know that is part of it, but I also think I would absolutely love another child and now that my parents and myself would be fully vaccinated by then, I would have more emotional support and not be so scared to leave the house as I was previously. Has anyone been through this? Please be kind. Xoxo

This is me. but for the one thing, that it was a planned pregnancy. we have since realized our true desires, in that having a 3rd child is what we want, me desparately. my original main fears were being a good mom to my two existing kids. i hate saying this, but i have since found new appreciation for everything i already have, and a deeper well to pull patience from to handle everything. all of my worries and concerns that paralyzed me before, and led to the termination, or so insignificant now. this both breaks my heart and makes me so calm in my post termination processing of life. i ache for my child everyday, but give so much more to my two kids now, and we will be trying for a third baby soon, and know that there will be no hesitation in being immediately excited and wanting this child right from day 1, with no concerns or fears. i hate that my baby had to go through what happened, without ever knowing my hugs and love, but at the time, all i could see was me breaking down at colouring with my two living kids. it made me so heartbroken not being able to cope with 2, while possibly bringing a 3rd one. now i'm so sure growing my family is what i want, and that it'll only be a blessing. we tried before, but it was more of a "let's see what happens" situation, and didn't seem real the entire time i was pregnant. even with an u/s at 6 wks with a heartbeat. again, i ache thinking about how stupid we were, and feel so much grief and sorrow for what happened. you ladies give me so much hope that what we've been through hasn't been for nothing, and good can come of it. now to be able to deal with and cope with the physical reality of what happened to my baby's little body. that's what i still struggle with. sigh. sending you all hugs and good vibes for healthy safe pregnancies!

@MrsOV Try not to beat yourself up. I am still working through this, but it does get better. I realized all the same things you said. I also was very disappointed by the information available and felt everyone was normalizing and ok’ing it... I was so confused... where I live there are ZERO restrictions. I was in and out in 20 minutes with pills. It was less than a dental cleaning!!! Anyhow, my husband and I have decided to start trying in May. Since this happened I have grieved harder than I ever have, and I have learned a lot about myself and my beliefs and what happens when I go against those beliefs. I have learned what is important for me in life. Also, practically, I have a new job with an in house daycare, and have been vaccinated for Covid, and my husband gets his last shot in a few weeks (he wanted to wait to try again until we were vaccinated). Also, when I had the termination, we were just heading into the fall and the dark winter of Covid before there wasn’t any vaccine, and my kids were 100% online learning while I was working from home full time and so isolated. It was just a really bad time .... unprecedented as my therapist says. Now in the spring things feel a lot more hopeful and doable. I am still working w my counselor and plan to do so for a long time (prob thru pregnancy if/when I’m blessed with that). Please feel free to write back. I’m very open about what I’ve been through and trust me we are not alone!!! Sending you hugs.

@SaraJune36 thank you for your words, and I can sense that you're in the same boat as me. We are also going to try in May. It fills me with such hope and joy, but also grief because of why not the one before? The circumstances and advice and support was not there, and I truly want the best start and groundwork for all of my kids. It's not enough to get through the day just surviving. Oh they're fed and bathed and clothed? Those are the basics, I have to know that I also was there for their emotional growth and mental stability. Unfortunately, it wasn't available at the time before. Instead I was being a mom just getting by, and with a small patience bucket. After reflection, we also think the current covid situation had subconsciously gotten to us, with everything no matter the size or topic seemingly being insurmountable. We have since done therapy, and continue to, and it has helped us identify what we need to focus on. I've also now been presented with a potential career change,
which brings hope to being there for my kids into the future. The beautiful child never to be held will be in our hearts forever, giving us the strength for life we didn't have before. It sucks, you know? I am open to, and trying to share my experience where I can. There are those that walk out with no issues, and those who walk out with many. We are ignored and deemed to have made our own consequences, regardless of the situation, and then pointed as people talking others out of whatever choice they are making. Not the case, but this is the topic.

Feel free to stay in touch as time goes on, and life continues to progress. It is nice knowing someone else feels the same, and in the same time range. Hope everything continues to become brighter and calmer for you. Sending hugs right back at you.

@SaraJune36 Hey! Nothing new for me to report. Still the same, haven’t tried again YET! My husband said we should try again in the summer, I just hope my head is in it as I know it’s what I want deep down but still freaks me out! How’s things with you?! How old are you if you don’t mind me asking?

@SunnyDays3 Hey! Good to hear from you. I am 36. How old are you? Our plan is to start trying in May. I am honestly scared because of what happened before. I am afraid I will have all the fears come back. I have had clinical anxiety since I was a child, so I know a lot of it was anxiety with my life situation at the time... I just couldn’t see it. A lot has changed for me since I made that decision. How I feel is if someone handed me my newborn today I would be so thrilled and I think most of my fears now are around the pregnancy. I know I would never terminate again though. It would really break me completely. One thing out of this whole mess I have learned is my values and that my husband really does love me so much. He has been my rock during these horrible months. Let’s keep in touch... I know there are so many people out there like us!

@MrsOV Thank you for your response. I think the termination showed both of us what really matters in life and that it wasn’t the answer for us. I am so hopeful for trying. I am honestly scared (I have suffered w anxiety my whole life) but my therapist told me to think about it as going forward with what I value even with my anxiety and fear. And I value my desire for another child. I’m on my last pack of birth control now, and my husband and I have talked at great length about everything that happened and feel so much closer and I feel so much more support from him now. I wish you the best of luck. Please keep me updated... and if you get pregnant please let me know. Wishing you the best!!! Sending hugs.

I've been having therapy regularly, and just had some sessions with one who focuses on pregnancy (termination consultations, keeping the baby, pregnancy anxiety, post baby, getting pregnant, basically anything to do with you and a baby). She suggested my husband and I talk about the concerns we had last time, and write out how we will handle them. What were some logistical concerns (car seats/car space, room sharing, space at the table, giving each child their own special time, etc), and other concerns (being a patient parent, taking time for myself/himself when we need it, identifying when we need it, etc.) We're going to have these discussions over the next week, so that we have a plan for when we are pregnant, and can feel more ready, so the same concerns, if/when they come up with the next pregnancy, don't seem like a huge long list, because we have a plan to manage it, or have already solved it. This may help some of your anxiety of getting pregnant again, and fears of going through the same stress as before. I equate it to a prenup for marriage, talk about the hard choices when they aren't needed to be talked about, so that when you're in the thick of hard times, you already have the plan in place and emotions and stress and anxiety doesn't take over and make people hate each other. My biggest fear is the "why not that baby, why this baby" thoughts. I don't know if I'd ever get over that though. It'll always be a thought of mine, why was that baby not good enough? Why was I not good enough? At the same time, for whatever reason, I wasn't being the parent I want to be and should be, and various other things were in the way. So it's so shitty, but those thoughts are with me. I've definitely done some soul searching though, and I am coming to a place where I'm understanding that I needed to learn some lessons. I don't agree that this entire experience had to happen to learn these lessons, but I definitely know that I have learned them. And so remembering them when times get tough will be needed, but that's where the plan above will come in handy.

At this point, we will be trying in May. Unless my mental health and emotional stability is still too yo-yo like, but if this week is any indication, we are a go. So fingers crossed for some happy baby news end of May. I will keep you posted. Continuing our virtual hug and good vibes

Aww I’m happy to hear u are ready to start trying next month again! I’m nearly 32 and I think we will start trying again in the summer. Ur story is literally the same as mine with the anxiety it’s terrible. I would never ever terminate again either and when I think back to this time last year when I did do it I still can’t quite believe I went ahead with it. My husband is the same he has been so supportive and supports any decision I make. Yes defo keep in touch nice talking to someone else who understands xx

@MrsOV I love your idea of talking through and strategizing an answer to all of your worries you had before. That is also what we have done. I haven’t wrote them down yet though, but I think we will do that. Those conversations with my husband made me realize that we can welcome another baby with open arms and the resources we need - and that many of my fears were out of proportion to the actual issue, or I was fearing something that would happen way down the road, when we really just need to go say by day. We are also set to try in May, just have to finish up this pack of bc pills. Hoping for lots of baby dust for us. Sending you hugs! It is so wonderful to know we are not alone in our journeys.

@SunnyDays3 Yes, the anxiety is really terrible to have to deal with. A few things my therapist has said are “What if you’re space at the table to have your anxiety go with you?” Vs it be a roadblock... and also, “If you didn’t have anxiety, what would one of your dreams be?” For me, that was having another baby. So basically she is saying live your values and goals even with anxiety along the way. I thought those statements were so eye opening for me. I hope you are doing well. I can’t say enough how these chats let me know we are nowhere near alone in this! Sending you hugs.

So we're in the timing of trying again. and can I tell you, it really brought up so many feelings. The main ones being what I assumed would be there, and wouldn't matter how long since the abortion. The thoughts of feeling guilt for trying for a baby after having the abortion on the other one. Why not that baby? Why weren't we good enough? Why wasn't baby good enough? I was pregnant, and couldn't appreciate it then, why should I be allowed to get pregnant again? I broke down. Everything else we have sorted out, and have made actions on some of the things we wanted to (new job, bigger car, etc). So nothing is standing in the way, and we know we are so ready to be so happy right from day 1. It doesn't help though that I feel like the worst person for having the abortion before, and being so careless with my baby's life. Literally cried right after we finished. But these things will never not be factors. It all feels so upside down. Selfish before the abortion to add a baby when we weren't emotionally and fundamentally ready and available. Selfish now trying to make a baby again when we had a baby we loved, just got scared.

@MrsOV I feel what you are feeling so much. We have to remember that we were scared, overwhelmed, had hormones raging through us, and we were trying to make the best decision we could. Also, I feel like we cannot forget that we were in the middle of a pandemic, and were facing a lot of external things we couldn’t control such a school/daycare closures, (where I live our schools just opened to 4 days per week yesterday!!!), economic problems, lack of social support/family support due to social distancing, very stressful work situations, Covid in pregnancy being high risk, and just so much global uncertainty. We have to forgive ourselves. We are only human and we make mistakes. We were also trying to be the best moms we could. We were afraid, and we didn’t feel safe enough or strong to bring a baby into the world.

I do know what you mean that some of the feelings will never go away exactly, like waiting a few more months will not change us wondering why this baby over that (for me, the answer is that I am now ready, my family is ready, the termination really made me take a hard look and prioritize what is important). I know for me, I will always struggle with anxiety, but I decided I am not letting that stop me from living my values, which for me is having another child, and living a full life and trying to be brave through anxiety. Even though abortion is in our past (and soooo many women’s’ pasts), and we wish it wasn’t, we cannot let it define us or make it tell us that we can’t do something like have a baby when we are ready. We are trying this month too... just finished my last pack of birth control a few days ago. Please keep in touch and you can also PM me anytime you like. Hugs!

@SaraJune36 I feel like all of that, yes. I know there was so much externally that was influencing me and impacting my mental state, which like you I have reevaluated and cleared things out. It's just going to be this constant thing that sucked. I am so hopeful for you, you seem to have really worked through a lot of stuff. You too! Feel free to PM me if you need to keep chatting about this. You're not alone.

I'm actually in Canada (I think most mum's here are in the UK?), and we were in lock down before, and then are in lockdown and stay home orders again. But I'm not letting that get to me.

@SaraJune36 how are things for you now?

@SunnyDays3 Hello! Good to hear from you. I am feeling much better these days. I still regret everything that happened but am much more at peace with it. Going through the grief process was excruciating... I have learned a lot about myself this past year. It truly wasn’t the right time for many reasons, but the aftermath was so horrible. We have decided to try to have another child and I just went off birth control at the beginning of the month. Nothing has happened yet but we are moving forward together as a family. I am hopeful for the future. How are you doing these days?

I've been there. Unplanned pregnancy which threw me into a spin. I spent hours at the clinic before taking the tablets just to make it all stop. Regretted it instantly. I conceived again a couple of months later and he's sleeping soundly next to me right now. I'll never forget the abortion and I often think about it, but it's also strange to regret it because had I not had the abortion I wouldn't have my son now. Do what you feel is right for you. I wish you all the best.

@Leaveitonthefloordrobe Thank you for your story. It is so nice to hear from people who get it. I am really feeling ready to conceive after everything we went through and am hoping it happens soon. I’m so happy for you that you have your beautiful baby.

Hi op, I’ve been through this.

In October 2017 I had a termination and had my daughter in September 2018. You can do the maths about how long I left it before conceiving her!
I have no regrets about deciding to have a baby after what I went through. I also have no regrets about the very short amount of time I left between the termination and my new pregnancy.

We’re all different while some people would be very against a woman TTC a baby after a termination, I think it’s a personal choice. No amount of counselling would have changed my mind. I found counselling completely useless anyway.

I found the pregnancy with dd worrying at first as I was worried that something might happen, but as I approached my second trimester and certainly after the 20 week scan, it became one of the happiest times of my life. And now she’s here and almost 3 years old and the absolute light of my life along with her siblings.

Good luck with everything! If you ever need to talk I’m always here.

@SaraJune36

Hi everyone, please be kind... I have been beating myself up for months. I had a termination back in September. It was a shock to be pregnant with a third child with two kids in elementary school. I was terrified and was very afraid of Covid as well and taking care of my two kids at home doing remote schooling while also working from home. I was also very unhappy in my job and wanted to find something else and just it felt so overwhelming and a bad time. I wasn’t sleeping at all either and was feeling so sick. I made it six weeks and was freaking out.

I have always been pro choice but never thought it would be me. I went to the appointment just for counseling, honesty not even thinking I could do it, but it was a very fast appt and they gave me the pills to take home. My husband kinda stayed out of it and was like, do what you want to do. I was in a state of panic, and was worried about my job situation and Covid ( had seen news reports of multiple pregnant moms dying from Covid) and the fear of being pregnant and not being able to have the support of my community and family during this crazy time. I totally panicked and get like I just wanted this over, etc., I ended up taking the stupid pills and have regretted it ever since. I have been grieving a lot. I have been seeing a counselor once per week and also have called in to the after abortion hotline multiple times to talk things through with people who can empathize.

In the meantime, I also managed to secure a new job in healthcare and got my first vaccination for Covid and have the second one scheduled in a few weeks. I am thinking about trying again for a baby since the job/Covid fear issues are much better. My other lingering issue was feeling overwhelmed at the thought of a baby after having older kids, and I know this won’t go away, but I know I would make every effort to cope and do well by this new child.

I know I can’t make this right, but I feel the intense desire to have something good come from this, some hidden blessing and to bring forth new life into the world. I know 100% I would not terminate again, even if my mental health deteriorated or I was high risk. I would not go anywhere near that clinic! I am 36 so I do have some time but am considering starting to try this Spring. Husband is on board but wants to make sure I am not doing this out of grief. I know that is part of it, but I also think I would absolutely love another child and now that my parents and myself would be fully vaccinated by then, I would have more emotional support and not be so scared to leave the house as I was previously. Has anyone been through this? Please be kind. Xoxo

Hi hun I've also done a thread for myself similar to your situation just gone for a abortion regret it so much and now want a baby. Maybe not yet but it's defo in my head and if it happens I won't terminate again. I am on the pill just in case this is my hormones but I know in my heart a baby will make me feel better. Have you started to TTc yet how you getting on? Hope your better xxx

funinthesun19 I hope to find your strength. I'm in a similar boat. If all goes well, it will be similar timing from the termination to a new baby. I desperately regret the abortion. And feel like I wasn't given the right support during the early stages of that pregnancy. It threw so much of life and priorities into perspective. I felt the same way, that no amount of time would make the abortion ok before having another baby. There'd always be the "why now and not then?" Here I am, a few weeks pregnant, and every pang or ache I feel I get so worried it isn't sticking. And have this irrational fear and worry that something awful is going to happen even past the 12 week, 20 week mark. My fingers are crossed for a healthy happy baby! You give me a lot of hope. I worry too, about continuing to feel regret for the abortion, when the new baby is here, because I know I will love them, but how messed is that, that they are only here because I didn't give that other baby a chance. Regretting the abortion means regretting whatever future baby? That's not a fair thing to say, but it's what comes along in my mind. This whole situation sucks.

@Zebra13 I completely feel for you. I was in your spot in September. It is so hard, and no one told me back at the time how it can break your heart. I was just so scared when I was pregnant about how I would manage it all, while on lockdown, etc. and was wanting it all to go away and it was the worst decision for me. I have done A LOT of grieving and am in a different head space now. I am now ready to try again. I do have all the worries and fears that have been mentions by MrsOV. I also agree that this experience is never just going to go away or disappear. I think that has to be OK. I am also actively trying to have another baby w my husband. He has been so supportive through this. I have only had one cycle so far but am hopeful I’ll be pregnant within six months time. It isn’t easy to try after the termination but I am still going forward. I also set myself up with a counselor and prenatal mental health specialist (I have anxiety) who knows my whole history. I feel much better going into a pregnancy with that support and now that Covid isn’t upending our lives like it was last year. I hope you find peace in what you decide. We deserve to be happy and have second chances. Don’t let anyone make you feel like you don’t. There are so many women like us out in the world. You are not alone.

@Vikimichelle Hi! I underStand what you are going through. It is so painful. No one tells you this when you have a an abortion. My desire for a baby never went away. I know that sounds weird, but it’s just the truth. I was in a panic about how I would manage and it was a bad time in my life. I’ve come a long way in my feelings and emotions about it and have decided I can’t let fear and regret stand in my way. I would say feel all your feelings, cry, scream, etc. Let it all flow out. Talk talk talk about it if that helps. Also, figure out what factors contributed to the termination and see if you can change or tweak those. For me, Covid was a factor, as was homeschooling my kids and working full time from home in a soul sucking job. Also Anxiety (which I’ve struggled with my whole life) played a big role. Since I have got a new job and the other Covid caused issues are gone. I have a supportive therapist and am going in eyes wide open and know I WILL have anxious times in this process. I’ll have times where I feel super overwhelmed, scared etc. And I’ve accepted that. I hope you come to a place where you can decide… and know there are so many of us out there. You are not alone.

@SaraJune36 thanks hun I'm so so down I can't eat can't sleep constantly on Google forums looking at my scan picture constantly crying about what I've done I'm in a really bad way. I feel I need to get pregnant ASAP. I was going through a really bad time with him. Tbh I don't think another baby's going to happen for me anytime soon because I can't forgive him :(
He wants us to work through it but he just dosent treat me well :( it's so hard I feel a innocent baby has been punished just because he's a dead beat and I panicked I didn't think properly..
I have a 3 year old ( in a few weeks ) he's autistic and a one year old but my mother instincts are soo strong if we did sort out our relationship and I wanted to try again hopefully il be mentally ready.. I so regret it :( I really hope you get your positive soon are you trying now? If so I recommend seaven seas trying for a baby .. I didn't even finish both packs both times ! Maybe coincidence but I believe they helped prepare my body for pregnancy.
Can I ask did you have surgical or medical xxx