Regretted abortion in September. Thinking about trying again...

[SaraJune36]

Hi everyone, please be kind... I have been beating myself up for months. I had a termination back in September. It was a shock to be pregnant with a third child with two kids in elementary school. I was terrified and was very afraid of Covid as well and taking care of my two kids at home doing remote schooling while also working from home. I was also very unhappy in my job and wanted to find something else and just it felt so overwhelming and a bad time. I wasn’t sleeping at all either and was feeling so sick. I made it six weeks and was freaking out.

I have always been pro choice but never thought it would be me. I went to the appointment just for counseling, honesty not even thinking I could do it, but it was a very fast appt and they gave me the pills to take home. My husband kinda stayed out of it and was like, do what you want to do. I was in a state of panic, and was worried about my job situation and Covid ( had seen news reports of multiple pregnant moms dying from Covid) and the fear of being pregnant and not being able to have the support of my community and family during this crazy time. I totally panicked and get like I just wanted this over, etc., I ended up taking the stupid pills and have regretted it ever since. I have been grieving a lot. I have been seeing a counselor once per week and also have called in to the after abortion hotline multiple times to talk things through with people who can empathize.

In the meantime, I also managed to secure a new job in healthcare and got my first vaccination for Covid and have the second one scheduled in a few weeks. I am thinking about trying again for a baby since the job/Covid fear issues are much better. My other lingering issue was feeling overwhelmed at the thought of a baby after having older kids, and I know this won’t go away, but I know I would make every effort to cope and do well by this new child.

I know I can’t make this right, but I feel the intense desire to have something good come from this, some hidden blessing and to bring forth new life into the world. I know 100% I would not terminate again, even if my mental health deteriorated or I was high risk. I would not go anywhere near that clinic! I am 36 so I do have some time but am considering starting to try this Spring. Husband is on board but wants to make sure I am not doing this out of grief. I know that is part of it, but I also think I would absolutely love another child and now that my parents and myself would be fully vaccinated by then, I would have more emotional support and not be so scared to leave the house as I was previously. Has anyone been through this? Please be kind. Xoxo

I understand you, don't beat yourself up about it, when a pregnancy comes as a shock, we panic if the circumstances aren't right at the time, you did what you thought was right at time and there isn't much time to decide... going through a pregnancy in these times isn't easy, it's potentially unsafe and everything is on hold atm, I went through a termination a month ago, circumstances meant my partner couldn't be with me and COVID had put moving things forward on hold and I was very scared, however we are going to try for one maybe by the end of the year to a years time, it doesn't seem that long and feel guilty for the one that wasn't to be.
I'm so broody but I have to keep reminding myself I was very sure at the time not to go ahead with the pregnancy but wishing it could of been different.

I understand how you're feeling. I had an abortion in October and I regret it. My husband really didn't want another child and has now had a vasectomy. I'm grieving a lot too but I don't feel like I have a right to. I don't think I'll ever be the same again. I wish you well and if I had the support of my husband, I'd definitely try for another baby x

@honeysuckle21 Thank you for your response and kind words. It is so nice to know I am not alone. I completely agree that Covid has really changed things for us and it was such bad timing. I am a bit worried age-wise being 36 already but I think I have a few years I hope. Can I ask your age if you are feeling the pressure of the biological clock? I am hoping I can be intentional and be very planned out so that if/when it happens we will not be in shock and have resources in case I need support. How are you are your partner handling things? Have you found any good resources/ideas to make this process easier? Thank you so much. Hoping all goes well for you.

@VHarvey79 I am so sorry you are going through this as well. It is so hard. I hope that things get better for you. Message me anytime you want. It is hard to not look back and question it all. You have every right to grieve, every single right.

I can completely relate OP, I had an abortion back in august last year. We have a severely disabled DC and although we do want another, with COVID And needing to care for our DC, it simply wasn't the right time. However I have regretted it every single second since - I have had previous MC so it just felt so wrong. But we are hoping once DC is settled into nursery, we can try again maybe end of this year if things have calmed with Covid.

@zeromango I am so sorry you have been through this too. Sometimes it seems like it just isn’t the right time, or we are shocked when it happens so fast and the world starts crumbling. I think it is hard to underestimate the impact of Covid. Even if we haven’t been sick, but the fear of it, the lockdowns, the economic uncertainty, daycares and schools closed, working remotely, etc. I am hoping the second half of 2021 is good for all of us.

@SaraJune36 I'm 40 so i know I don't have much longer so feeling the pressure, on the other hand I'm pleased to know I'm still fertile. My partner doesn't have children but I do already from my EXH.

Your circumstances have changed since September, so if you do want another child and can manage without support from friends and family then go for it.

I would say to make sure you want an additional child for the right reasons and not because you are trying to make up for something ( you made a decision based on your circumstances at the time you haven’t done anything wrong) or because you are worried about your biological clock.

Perhaps take a few months to think about it and possibly look at counseling again to help deal with your feelings about your termination.

@Thedramasummer Thank you for your advice. I am planning to wait until at least Spring and re-examine my feelings then. I want it to be for the right reasons. The last thing I want to do is bring a baby into the world selfishly or when I am not mentally prepared for pregnancy/a new baby. That could be a recipe for disaster... my 2 kiddos who are already here need me to be a good mom before I add anyone else to the mix... Thank you for your advice... it is much appreciated.

@SaraJune36 hope everything works out for you whatever you decide

I also had an abortion in September due to severe sickness and mental health. It hit me 2 months later and we decided to try again in the November and I concieved in December and currently 8 weeks pregnant and everything feels right this time! I think at the time we make the best choices we can, but I just wanted to give you some positive hope for your situation.

@Eamhair Thank you so much for your supportive comment! My biggest fear is I will freak out again and want an abortion. (even though I will not go anywhere near that idea!!) Have you had any thoughts like that or anything? How is your mental health this time around? Thank you so much for your reply.

Hi OP, I found out I was pregnant with my third child and it was totally unplanned, our 2 aren’t even at school yet so very young. I debated an abortion very seriously, but ultimately didn’t go through with it. I’m 11 weeks now, & sad to say I feel very little joy about the whole thing. I’m worried, anxious, will I cope, will my children suffer... just want you to know the grass isn’t always greener and you may just be feeling guilty which is normal but it doesn’t necessarily mean you made the wrong decision.

I would take some time & really think if a 3rd child is what you want & not just your emotions playing tricks on you.

All the best!

@Pineapples3
Thank you for your story. I agree... I felt the way you are feeling right now when I was pregnant. I am not going to make any decisions right now. I honestly think I am grieving and need to process this before I can really come to terms with whether I truly want a third child. I don’t want to make any decisions while in a mental fog.

I also had an abortion last May and it felt like the right decision at the time but not one day goes by I don’t think about it and what could have been 😔 my partner says we can try again but I’m scared I freak out again like yourself but deep down I would love another child. My son is coming 9 this summer and I’m worried too it’s such a big age gap 😢 hope ur ok x

@SunnyDays3 Yes my partner has been very supportive and is up for trying again if/when I am ready. I am very afraid I will freak out again as well. I understand the age gap dilemma. My older kids are 7.5 and 9 and part of what really freaked me out was going back to the baby phase while also managing older kids. Did that factor into anything for you? I hope you are feeling better. I hope we can all see clearly what the right path for us is...

I had a lot of counselling which really helped me come to terms with my decision and help me get ready for a new pregnancy. I'm in a much better place this time, I've had the odd moments of anxiety but they have passed and I have the tools this time to help me. I'm completely the opposite this time round and very connected to my pregnancy but like you I was scared my mental health would take a big dip again. I haven't once had a thought of abortion. Take care of yourself, you have been through so much.

@SaraJune36 yeh that was a big factor for me too and was scared I wasn’t going to be able to cope. Also because we are just so set in our ways as a family of 3 I didn’t want to break that and freaked out at the price of everything and could we even afford even tho we could as we both work. Also was scared of telling people I have no idea why even tho I’m married and have a child I just really freaked out in all avenues 😢 but majorly regret it now but I am trying to think straight about what to do next!

@SunnyDays3 I completely understand the freaking out. My husband was like, when can we tell people? And I was even upset about the idea of telling people! My mind was not in the right place. I think a lot of it is the age gap between my kids. They are getting so old and are so independent and the thought of going back to the fully dependent baby scared me sooo much, even though it is just a few short years. I wish I had just taken the pregnancy day by day and not freaked out about everything at once.

@SaraJune36! Oh My God!!! Can't believe it... I could have written your original post! Really, that's basically my story! Am 36 with two kids, worried about work and coping and I majorly panicked too when I discovered an unplanned pregnancy. Then had a termination which I now bitterly regret.

Sorry can't offer you much more than--you are definitely not alone feeling like you did then and like you do now. Can't believe how similar our stories are!

My husband and I agreed we would just let things be and not try too hard for another baby but at the same time not prevent it happening on its own either. We'll see what occurs...Like you say, the age is a worry but after the trauma of termination, I'm more than happy to leave it to nature.

I have to confess, I have started tracking my cycle, which I never bothered to do before. But am not buying OPKs or getting obsessed with the whole thing...

Best of luck to you @SaraJune36!

@AnnaliseH Thank you for writing! It is so good to know we are not alone. I really need to work on forgiving myself and then deciding whether to try again. There is a huge part of me that wants to try again but I think I need to get mind in the right spot. I am still really sad about it and having trouble sleeping/focusing throughout the day. I want to be as strong as possible for another pregnancy if I do move forward with it. I never knew termination would be so hard on me. I am taking it day by day, still taking my birth control religiously and hoping to have more clarification of my feelings in a few months. Let me know what happens with you! I hope it all works out well!! I would love to have another... just want it to be a joyous occasion, not one that is filled with panic like before!

@AnnaliseH@honeysuckle21@Eamhair
Hi ladies! Just checking in with you! How are things going pregnancy wise/ TTC? I think we are going to start trying in May. I hope you are all doing well. We have been through so much. I’m feeling better most days (still have some hard ones) and I really hope you are all doing well!!

@SaraJune36, how have you been? How’s work? I know you mentioned before you were in a relatively new job. If I remember correctly.

My news are—am pregnant. But very early days yet, so am hoping it’s a viable, healthy one. Feels totally different from the preceding pregnancy. Am exhausted of course but I don’t feel panicked and depressed.

Sending best wishes your way!

Hi @AnnaliseH,
Yay! Congrats! I am so happy for you! I’m so glad you are feeling good emotionally! I hope all goes really well for you. I am in a new job and it is going well. It is actually easier than my old job and better schedule which will work much better with a new baby (they even have an on-site daycare). So that is going well. I still feel sad about the abortion but I am feeling much more ready to move forward and having to go thru what I did made me really ask myself what matters in life... and for me, it is honestly my family above all else. So that has been very clarifying! Wishing you the best! Check in anytime you like!

@SunnyDays3 Hello! Just checking on how everything is going for you these days with TTC? Hope you are doing well!