Regretted abortion in September. Thinking about trying again...

[SaraJune36]

Hi everyone, please be kind... I have been beating myself up for months. I had a termination back in September. It was a shock to be pregnant with a third child with two kids in elementary school. I was terrified and was very afraid of Covid as well and taking care of my two kids at home doing remote schooling while also working from home. I was also very unhappy in my job and wanted to find something else and just it felt so overwhelming and a bad time. I wasn’t sleeping at all either and was feeling so sick. I made it six weeks and was freaking out.

I have always been pro choice but never thought it would be me. I went to the appointment just for counseling, honesty not even thinking I could do it, but it was a very fast appt and they gave me the pills to take home. My husband kinda stayed out of it and was like, do what you want to do. I was in a state of panic, and was worried about my job situation and Covid ( had seen news reports of multiple pregnant moms dying from Covid) and the fear of being pregnant and not being able to have the support of my community and family during this crazy time. I totally panicked and get like I just wanted this over, etc., I ended up taking the stupid pills and have regretted it ever since. I have been grieving a lot. I have been seeing a counselor once per week and also have called in to the after abortion hotline multiple times to talk things through with people who can empathize.

In the meantime, I also managed to secure a new job in healthcare and got my first vaccination for Covid and have the second one scheduled in a few weeks. I am thinking about trying again for a baby since the job/Covid fear issues are much better. My other lingering issue was feeling overwhelmed at the thought of a baby after having older kids, and I know this won’t go away, but I know I would make every effort to cope and do well by this new child.

I know I can’t make this right, but I feel the intense desire to have something good come from this, some hidden blessing and to bring forth new life into the world. I know 100% I would not terminate again, even if my mental health deteriorated or I was high risk. I would not go anywhere near that clinic! I am 36 so I do have some time but am considering starting to try this Spring. Husband is on board but wants to make sure I am not doing this out of grief. I know that is part of it, but I also think I would absolutely love another child and now that my parents and myself would be fully vaccinated by then, I would have more emotional support and not be so scared to leave the house as I was previously. Has anyone been through this? Please be kind. Xoxo

I’m in a similar situation - hope you don’t mind if I join the conversation. I had a termination right before 5 weeks last June. I was unexpectedly pregnant with our third and was freaking out. I had postpartum with my second to a really bad degree but could t really admit it until it got bad. Once I found out I was pregnant I went back to that dark place. Not eating, not sleeping feeling so terrified of Covid and Terrified that I would die if I continued. My husband wasn’t particularly happy with our situation but would’ve done whatever I wanted but he was genuinely concerned for me and my health. After a week debate I terminated. I felt relief until just recently 1 year later. I’m thinking it’s because we tried to get pregnant last month and it didn’t work with the last 4 pregnancies 2 living children, 1 traumatic miscarriage just before 12 weeks and my termination I was pregnant first time trying. Since it didn’t happen last month I’m freaking out that I may have blown my only chance. I had a medical termination but it didn’t work, go figure so I had to have a surgical suction and I’m terrified this damaged my uterus. I just turned 35 and I’m just so sad now. I really felt at the time I was in danger and so was my family if I continued with the pregnancy and Covid the way it was - now I’m not so sure since I think what if that was my chance to complete my family. I always wanted 3 but just wasn’t strong enough and wasn’t willing to jeprodize my current family and it really sucks. I wake up every night around 3am in a panic this last week and the what if’s are driving me insane.

Not exactly sure what I’m looking for out of this post but just wanted to get that off my chest with a group that could relate. Thanks for listening.

@Ceebee0245

I’m in a similar situation - hope you don’t mind if I join the conversation. I had a termination right before 5 weeks last June. I was unexpectedly pregnant with our third and was freaking out. I had postpartum with my second to a really bad degree but could t really admit it until it got bad. Once I found out I was pregnant I went back to that dark place. Not eating, not sleeping feeling so terrified of Covid and Terrified that I would die if I continued. My husband wasn’t particularly happy with our situation but would’ve done whatever I wanted but he was genuinely concerned for me and my health. After a week debate I terminated. I felt relief until just recently 1 year later. I’m thinking it’s because we tried to get pregnant last month and it didn’t work with the last 4 pregnancies 2 living children, 1 traumatic miscarriage just before 12 weeks and my termination I was pregnant first time trying. Since it didn’t happen last month I’m freaking out that I may have blown my only chance. I had a medical termination but it didn’t work, go figure so I had to have a surgical suction and I’m terrified this damaged my uterus. I just turned 35 and I’m just so sad now. I really felt at the time I was in danger and so was my family if I continued with the pregnancy and Covid the way it was - now I’m not so sure since I think what if that was my chance to complete my family. I always wanted 3 but just wasn’t strong enough and wasn’t willing to jeprodize my current family and it really sucks. I wake up every night around 3am in a panic this last week and the what if’s are driving me insane.

Not exactly sure what I’m looking for out of this post but just wanted to get that off my chest with a group that could relate. Thanks for listening.

Hope your okay hun I've done a similar thread I'm only 4 weeks past my surgery and I regret it so bad and already worried I've damaged myself and it won't happen again. I want 3 children also had 4 pregnancy's 2 living children one which sadly endid at 18 weeks due to no heartbeat and the termination at 11 weeks. I feel sick wirh worry that I've damaged myself too !! It's awful isn't it but il keep my fingers crossed you get your positive soon ! Xxxxz

Hi @Ceebee0245and @Vikimichelle… Ceebee your story sounds similar to mine so much! I had postpartum after my second and always wanted three but was too scared. The emotions you are talking about took me back to how I was feeling.. Covid was a huge concern for me… I was soooo isolated at the time and soooo scared. I’m trying now. My first cycle trying was very very emotional… so give yourself time. The abortion didn’t cause any damage. As my mom (who is medical professional) said (who had an abortion before having me and my brother)… if abortions caused infertility, women would be screaming and marching in the streets. They just don’t do that. The same treatments are used for miscarriages. Please don’t beat yourself up. I did that and still do at times. I’m on my second cycle and feeling much better about my fertility and chances etc. I am 36. You didn’t give up your only chance! I hope you ladies know you are good women! We were in a terrible position and did what we felt we had to do. We were in a pandemic for god’s sake. Write back anytime. Hugs to all of you.

@SaraJune36 - thank you for your kind words! My husband always tells me that the pandemic wasn’t worth the gamble back then and now we know more but it was impossible to know what we know now back then. I try to take comfort in that! It’s so hard. I find it so weird to look back at how bad I was a year ago basically paralyzed by fear and now I feel almost as bad thinking of how badly I want to go back and either have that baby or get pregnant now. I’m only on my second cycle trying but since it didn’t happen on the first like my last 4 it’s def not helping in the worry dept. The real crazy thing is I did get Covid 3 weeks before I would have been due (along with my entire family) - which sometimes makes me think I made the right decision back then. What if Covid would have really impacted my health and my current family if something went bad (it didn’t I was pretty sick for a week but that’s it). I just need to stop the what if’s.

I hope you get a positive very soon! I know it’s hard to not worry but I’ve been doing my best to just say what is meant to be will be and if I’m meant to have three that baby or a new one will come to us. ❤️ My mom also had a termination when she was young and I always think if she didn’t do that I probably wouldn’t be here.

It’s nice to have someone to chat with.

@Zebra13 I get how you’re thinking, but it just doesn’t work that way. I had a traumatic miscarriage between my two children for no reason - some things just happen.

I believe that we made a decision that we thought was right at the time and it’s okay to admit that you made a mistake and be sorry for that. That doesn’t mean you will be punished in the future. We learn from them - I feel like in my next pregnancy (if I’m lucky to have one) that I will be much more peaceful and calm knowing that trying to control things doesn’t necessarily mean that things will be better, they will just be different. So I will let things happen as they come and cope with them better - something I think this whole situation has taught me. Hope that makes sense.

@Ceebee0245 Yes, I agree with what you said about the pandemic. It was such a unique situation a year ago…. I was so scared and just so unbelievably overwhelmed. Now things are so much better for me work wise, emotionally, stress wise, school is back 100% in the fall here, and my husband and I have a much stronger relationship now. We are ready. My husband says the same thing that yours does. That it was just the wrong time. I just am now starting my third cycle trying. My first cycle off birth control was extremely long and wacky, but now my cycle is back to its normal 28 days (whooo hoo!) It has been hard not getting pregnant right away, like you say. It makes me worry that it won’t happen or that I am somehow punished. But I know that isn’t the truth… that is just my emotions playing tricks on me. For me, I have gotten pregnant from by surprise to taking five months. So I have been pretty lucky fertility wise. I am hoping it will happen soon for both of us. If you ever want to chat, that would be great. Our stories are so similar. I really hope you get a BFP soon!! Talk to you soon!

@Zebra13 I know what you mean about feeling like something could go wrong. My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage at 12 weeks and was very painful. It is just be random. Then five months later I had my beautiful son. It is random - we do not get punished for the choice we made about previous pregnancies for reasons that were valid at the time. Those reasons change or go away and you can change your mind and go forward and have a great pregnancy. That is what I am hoping to do. Just starting my third cycle trying and hoping and praying it happens soon. Good luck to you and know you are not alone. There are so many good women that have been through what we have. My mom also had a termination and I wouldn’t be here if she didn’t, and she has had a great life and is a wonderful mom. You can do that too if you choose and you have every right to it. 🥰

Any update wirh anyone ? I still feel like absolute crap keep waiting for a baby I'm never going to meet wish I'd of choosen to keep my baby over " the dad " it's all just a mess forcing myself
To even look at him. Want another so much xx

Hello yeah still raw
I just want another but I know it isn't the right time to be bringing a baby into the world I've stil no home living at my nanas babies are 3 and 1 and me and there dad are splitting eveyweek it's took it's toll on the relationship so hard xxx

Hi how is eveyone getting on? I'm still very down.
My relationships still all over the place I've now moved out living on my own with the kids but still go to " see him " monthly started yesterday and I've been so down about it I shud be around 7 months now it's horrible so wish I could turn the clock back I sleep with my scab picture evey night and just sob I was 11 weeks xxx

I am pregnant again. And my mental state is completely different. Something was not healthy back when all the turmoil was happening. But, there are emotions and expectations that something will happen constantly. I want to say it gets easier, but it doesn't. Through time, you begin to agree that maybe it was to happen this way, but you may never accept it.

I find myself, unknowingly, very emotional and thinking about baby during milestones. I should be counting down the days to birth, she was due Sep 5, but instead am not. Its a very tough situation, because I'm so excited for being pregnant now, and what the future holds, but why not my baby before? It's very tough, and not anything I don't think will ever be ok.

One day at a time.

Morning @Brainfuzz99,
Sorry to hear you are going through so much turmoil. It sound me incredibly difficult.
What does your partner say? If you want another baby there is nothing wrong with that. Lots of siblings have age gaps and it seems less as they get older. Particularly when adults.

It’s great that you now realise for sure that you are GAD. And I’m sure you are developing techniques to deal with it.
Pregnancy is tricky as hormones are all over the place - couple that with anxiety and it can full our brains into thinking unlike we would normally.

Please go easy on yourself. You aren’t alone.

I’m 40 (very recently) and had a termination in March due to anxiety going through the roof and believing I’d made a terrible mistake becoming pregnant. How we felt seems incredibly similar. I don’t have children but the feeling i had ruined my husbands life and our marriage was overwhelming. It completely consumed me.

I’m now stuck with what to do. I’d love a child in my future and always believed that would be the case. What happened in March is alien to me. Like I was actually a different person. Wanted to be pregnant and then when I was I flipped out big time and terminated.

I realise now that these feelings are so very common - but just aren’t spoken about.

Thinking of you.xx

• apologises for the typos!