Regretted abortion in September. Thinking about trying again...

[SaraJune36]

Hi everyone, please be kind... I have been beating myself up for months. I had a termination back in September. It was a shock to be pregnant with a third child with two kids in elementary school. I was terrified and was very afraid of Covid as well and taking care of my two kids at home doing remote schooling while also working from home. I was also very unhappy in my job and wanted to find something else and just it felt so overwhelming and a bad time. I wasn’t sleeping at all either and was feeling so sick. I made it six weeks and was freaking out.

I have always been pro choice but never thought it would be me. I went to the appointment just for counseling, honesty not even thinking I could do it, but it was a very fast appt and they gave me the pills to take home. My husband kinda stayed out of it and was like, do what you want to do. I was in a state of panic, and was worried about my job situation and Covid ( had seen news reports of multiple pregnant moms dying from Covid) and the fear of being pregnant and not being able to have the support of my community and family during this crazy time. I totally panicked and get like I just wanted this over, etc., I ended up taking the stupid pills and have regretted it ever since. I have been grieving a lot. I have been seeing a counselor once per week and also have called in to the after abortion hotline multiple times to talk things through with people who can empathize.

In the meantime, I also managed to secure a new job in healthcare and got my first vaccination for Covid and have the second one scheduled in a few weeks. I am thinking about trying again for a baby since the job/Covid fear issues are much better. My other lingering issue was feeling overwhelmed at the thought of a baby after having older kids, and I know this won’t go away, but I know I would make every effort to cope and do well by this new child.

I know I can’t make this right, but I feel the intense desire to have something good come from this, some hidden blessing and to bring forth new life into the world. I know 100% I would not terminate again, even if my mental health deteriorated or I was high risk. I would not go anywhere near that clinic! I am 36 so I do have some time but am considering starting to try this Spring. Husband is on board but wants to make sure I am not doing this out of grief. I know that is part of it, but I also think I would absolutely love another child and now that my parents and myself would be fully vaccinated by then, I would have more emotional support and not be so scared to leave the house as I was previously. Has anyone been through this? Please be kind. Xoxo

Hi OP! I hope you are well.
I can completely relate to how you were feeling! I am 5 weeks post termination and both my DH and i 100% feel we made the wrong choice! We have similar circumstances, like our other children being older (8 & 11) work stresses etc! We had a list of cons when making the decision but both feel they could have all being overcome or worked through. Hindsight can be awful sometimes.
I realize this is an older post. Did you continue to TTC and if so, how did that affect you? If you dont mind me asking.
We would love to add one more to our family but as its early days still want to take the time to make sure we are making an informed decision this time and not just a knee jerk reaction from our regret/grief. Like you, this has been a huge slap in the face of what really matters to us in life and we know its family above all else.

Hi @Brainfuzz99

Thank you for replying! Im sorry to hear you are in a similar situation. I hope you are ok?
I can completely relate to all the women who said, the anxiety and fear consumed them when making a decison. I can look back now, 6 weeks post termination and realise my mental health was wild at that stage (I cant even relate to those thoughts now as they are so out of tune for what i am normally like) and led me to making a decison my heart and soul did not want. But i couldnt see past the fog. There were so so many red flags with how i went about the whole situation but in my anxiety fulled fog, i just didnt see them. I have found acceptance to this now and know, if i was in the right frame of mind, i would have continued with the pg.
Now, i have accepted that my heart will always desire 1 more. Ive pushed that feeling down for too long but now i am open to it. My DH feels the same. On one side, i am terrified of falling pg again, with fear of being punished for what i did. But on the otherside, i dont want to look back in years to come and regret not having more because i felt i didnt deserve it after having a termination and how people would "judge" me for it...
Ergh, its tough!!

@SudokuZebra how are you feeling today? I hope you are ok. Sending you big hugs!

@Brainfuzz99 thank you so much for your reply!
I can totally relate to the feeling of excitement, but then once it became a reality and wasnt just talk, i freaked out at the logistics. Im not "older" by anymeans, im only 32 but for ME (now that i am no longer facing an actual pg) i feel almost like the ship has sailed for me now. DH and i spoke and said, if we do want to try, its now or never. We dont want the age gap to be any bigger.
On one side, i dont want to look back in years to come and regret not trying again, as we have always wanted one more. (ill always regret the termination) and think part of my regret stems from not being honest years ago and trying back then. and on the other side, we are just so settled in our family dynamic now and having the kids at an age where life is somewhat easy, really makes me think, do i actually want to change this? I love what i have been blessed with.
We have decided to give it a few months and see how we feel then, as it is still early days and im still mentally struggling to overcome the trauma/grief.
Thank you again, so much, for your replies. It is comforting to have other women to speak to, who get it! And also equally heartbreaking to know there are so many of us struggling through xx

Ohhh @Sudokuzebra im sending you the biggest viral hug ever! Please be kind to yourself!
I've read a few threads where you have commented to other people and you write with such genuine care and support. To me, this just shows what a wonderful person you are.
I wish i had some wise words to share to help ease your pain. Please know you are deserving! We all are! No one can possibly know how they will feel coming out the other side and we all make choices at the time that we felt was best, this doesnt make us awful people. Just human like everyone else.
Ive had a little counseling but personally find talking to my partner and mum have helped me the most.
For me now, ive taken TTC off the table. At the moment its only causing me more distress and i know i need to work on my mental/physical health first. (Ive lost ALOT of weight and was already very thin to begin with)
In time we might come back to it, but for now getting me back is more important.
Please keep writing back if you feel/want/need to. Theres so many of us going through the storm and as much as we don't want to be apart of this "club", we're stronger if dont have to travel it alone.

Hi @Sudokuzebra
Glad to hear you are feeling somewhat better today xx
Im still so up and down. I feel like i can mask it for small amounts of time when i am out and around other people. But then the mental exhaustion hits hard the minute i am home and alone (even with DH and kids here) i constantly feel like i have this heavy weight on my chest and at any minute its going to explode and cripple me with the pain of my decision and the trauma of the day.
I also feel very let down by the clinic. I know they are only doing their job, and no one had a right to convince me otherwise in my decision. But i was so torn on the day and already regretting it before it was even done. That those red flags were so obvious on the day, yet i only had a quick 10min consult with the nurse prior and not once that day, did anyone ask how i was feeling or if i was sure of my decision. I was too terrified whilst i was there, i literally couldnt get any words out to stop it from happening. Once again, its no ones fault, but my own.
But the whole day was like sheep being herded off to slaughter. Just one giant production line. I was also rushed out afterwards too. With not one word or support or advise on what to do, should i need any support later on. Just shit all around really.
I also feel like everyone made it out like it was the sensible choice, when if anything, it was the most reckless thing i have ever done.
I hope this one day gets easier to live with

@Sudokuzebra im also feeling like i cant try again now either. I know i can, but i feel like it in some way might make me feel even worse and possibly heighten the feelings. Maybe its because i am not at peace with my decision and i still need longer to recover. But deep down, i feel like this was my last chance. The surprise i always hoped for and i blew it. The feeling of this was my last chance is really ringing hard in my mind. Im just not sure, how to get me back. I feel the damage is done now and im too far gone to ever fully recover from this. I just have to go forward as this damaged, broken version of myself and never feel whole again
Sorry to mentally unload this here. I speak with counselors and my family, but i feel like, especially the family, that they are all sick of hearing me talk about it.

Not good hun you?
I would have two weeks now to go and im just so upset about it my relationship broke down as I felt he forced me into it I now live alone with my two babies but would do anything to turn the clock back I feel I chosen him over my own baby and we broke anyway, and il never forgive myself xx

@SaraJune36 @AnnaliseH @MrsOV hi I was just wondering how you are all going on in your ttc/baby journey. I had an abortion in October and I wish I had seen this post along with other chats on mumsnet before as it was the biggest mistake of my life. I already have 2 children and thought I was complete, so this surprise pregnancy sent me into Meltdown and I couldn’t see any positives. I now regret that and all I long for now is another baby.

It has taken a lot of time, and therapy, and other remediations. I still ache for baby. I read a ton of stuff before making the decision, and none of it made any sense before. People's personal accounts aren't your own. I found it so tough from either perspective I'd read to actually take it to heart and have it be useful. I am pregnant, and due end of January. The entire pregnancy has felt emotionally different. Right from the get go there has been no dread. I'm not making excuses, but from the other side, I know that my mental state was not stable and played a big part in what ended up happening. It took weeks to get out of that haze that I didn't realize I had been in before getting pregnant, and affected my previous pregnancy and outlook on everything. We are so excited. Every kick and movement is amazing, but I also still feel guilty. We feel like our baby came back to us, because of just how calm life settled into with this pregnancy. There were some scares at the start of this pregnancy, and it solidified how much this is exactly what we wanted. I realized a long time ago that the "why not that baby", "why not then" thoughts will never go away. We knew we wanted another baby, and time wouldn't resolve those big questions. We went for it, relatively soon after. I do not regret this baby at all, but do regret not having my previous baby. It's such a confusing thought to process. I hope you're doing ok.

@MrsOV thank you for your response and I agree so much with what your saying, it’s easy to say now “if I had read them things before things might have been different” but my mum tried showing me it can be done (if I wanted to proceed) and it still didn’t change my mind. I had so much pregnancy anxiety I couldn’t see anything clearly I thought the only way out and back to my normal life was to not be pregnant anymore. And now at the other side I see that wasn’t the case. My husband and I have decided to wait until I come to the end of my pill and see where we want to go from there, all I can think about at the moment is having another baby. When before I thought I was complete with the 2 I had, it has changed my perspective so much and I’ve done something I deeply regret to make me realise that.

Hi @SaraJune36,

Just wondered how you are getting on? Did you TTC / go on to have another pregnancy in the end?

I am in a similar situation (with a similar age gap) and really thinking I want to try again

I hope you are well and it all worked out for your family XX

Hi eveyone I commented on here and did my own thread in June about a regretted abortion. I'm just a mess I've come to realise I do wish I could undo it but my feelings was valid at the time ...

I'm pregnant again.
Yes I'm blessed and yes I do feel I've been given a 2nd chance but if I'm honest I felt like I needed to fix what I'd done and the feelings that I had in June are still valid now :( my partner was abusive so it isn't an ideal situation I only went back one night and didn't use any protection didn't plan to get pregnant but did have in my head one day I will fix what I did :(
Anyway here we are .. I have no choice to continue the pregnancy because I couldn't live with myself again. No one knows so my situation is abit different because after the refuge no one has an idea I went back :( it is a hard situation to be in but I will say I shud of gone onto contreception and making sure I was 100% and stable before bringing another life into the world but il make it work I no il be excited soon! I have 3 babies under 3 and on my own so Itl be hard xxxxx

I’ve just gone through the same. It is so awful, why is there no more information available about the regret you can feel. Everything I read pointed to me feeling relieved afterwards but it’s like a living hell. I like others have said was going through a tough time. A bit mental with life, already having a small child and relationship issues. But all that pales into insignificance compared with what I feel now. I just want my baby back. I want the life I could have had. I should be 5 months pregnant now and I know I would have got through all those negative thoughts but I just couldn’t

Hi anyone of an older age 47 ttc after termination?

I’ve noticed you have posted this reply on a few threads recently. You’d be better off starting your own thread where you will get far more responses.