36 in June, pregnant with 1st after 5 months with OH who doesn’t want it

[Firegirl35]

Hi girls I’ve been reading and lurking but really need to share my situation for some advice..

I’m 35, no children and have found out I’m pregnant. I’ve been with the father just 5 months, we have had a rushed relationship as first date in July and then I moved in 2 weeks later mainly due to my house purchase falling through... I’ve now bought a house that needs some work doing and am currently still living with him.

He’s 37, has a 6 year old daughter and 8 year old son from a previous LTR which he was devastated ended in her having an affair, telling him she didn’t love him anymore and tearing the family apart. He took it hard as he was the same age as his son when the same thing happened to him. When we first got together he said he’s not against having more kids ‘one day’. His mum went on to remarry and have a baby when she was 42, so he is open to it, but also he seems to think age isn’t really a barrier.

We have the kids exactly half the week (so he doesn’t pay ex maintenance), and things have been great until a few weeks ago when his son started having sickness and anxiety at meal times.. he’s asked his dad why he’s not with mummy and even said he doesn’t want Christmas. I don’t know if going between two houses is upsetting for them, but the ex has suggested she has them more. He’s dead against this, he wants to see them more, and he also doesn’t trust that if he gave her maintenance it would actually be spent on the kids. I’m not sure if he’s controlling her with this. I have no relationship with her whatsoever, she seems a bit threatened by the bond I have with her children but I think she’s coming round. The whole situation is new and they are still figuring it out a bit.

Anyway, I tested positive for covid on Nov 30th. I’m a firefighter and once the two weeks isolation ended I still felt very ill with symptoms like fatigue and sickness that weren’t going away... so I got signed off work another 2 weeks. I tried to get anti sickness tablets prescribed, and was asked if I could be pregnant. I took 3 tests which all came back positive and it was confirmed by an out of hours GP an hour later..

I was in total shock and couldn’t stop shaking for hours. I called a male friend who has been very supportive, and I registered with a maternity unit as I wanted an early scan to date me... I think I got pregnant when I was ill, as I stopped taking the pill but we did have sex once. The week before that though I was fatigued, so I don’t know. I have ended up contacting Marie curie for a scan as I knew I could get in there quick, and they booked me in for Xmas eve. We left early but the motorway was closed and the diversion made us late for the appointment, so they wouldn’t see me :(

I told my partner a few days ago, and his reaction was “for fcuk sake”. Then “what are you going to do?” He’s since made it very clear to me in several heartfelt conversations how he feels about it all, that it was wrong as it was a very bad time, he’s still getting his head around the situation he’s in and the fall out from it, the kids aren’t totally settled yet (more his son), and he always swore that if he had kids again it would be when everything was totally right as he wouldn’t want to bring another “broken person” into the world as he puts it. He said that everyone else would think the same, and that it’s just a pill. His ex terminated their third which he was against at the time but thinks they would struggle to cope as they would have had two young ones.. His opinion of abortions now is that they are fine, as she was fine with having the medical one. And he says he’s glad as that’s one less kid he would have messed up. He tells me it wouldn’t work as he knows he’s not ready for another baby now, that it’s Horrific and you need to be rock solid. I think he believes that I will 99% get rid of it, after a frosty day or so we’ve been getting on better even making jokes, but that’s because he thinks I’m definitely having an abortion. If I say something against that, then it’s “I don’t want to argue” “we keep going over it” or “it’s doing my head in”

For me-
I had a surgical abortion at 7 weeks when I was 24. I had only been with the guy 4 months and he lived 200 miles away, he was fairly happy and we were going to keep it but I was scared as I was young, living in a flat with a girlfriend, suffering badly with an eating disorder, and extreme sickness. I told my parents and my mum went mental, made me feel stupid and like a kid and that it was a mistake and I wouldn’t cope. So I ended up going to a clinic, coming away as I couldn’t do it, facing the wrath from my mum and going back to have it. It fcuked me up for years, I went through phases of being completely obsessed with babies to deciding I wanted absolutely nothing to do with them (then my decision was justified). I moved to be with my partner, secretly hated my mum for two years it took me to forgive her in my head. I was with my partner for 8 years, so it would have probably worked out and we only split when I decided to become a firefighter and he didn’t want to move away again.

I told myself at the time of the abortion that I would never do that again. But also as I’ve got older I’ve seen the rough side of life with kids so have a realistic view which makes me appreciate time I’ve had single/free. I know babies/families are hard work, but I see myself with one in the future. (Near or distant not sure). It’s really hard being a step mum/friend figure to my OHs two , and makes me want my own. I missed out on the baby stage and toddlers... ill also never be the one they want when they’re ill, and mums Xmas dinner trumps ours, they want to stay at mums Xmas eve etc... the mum always wins. It hurts. I feel like I love them like my own but I don’t get them if that makes sense, and it makes the pain of not having my own more. I thought before I got pregnant, if it doesn’t work out with me and OH (haven’t been happy with his behaviour- he’s quite lazy, dirty etc round the house, doesn’t pay me compliments, and he’s only an ok dad, he does provide and cook for them and they don’t go without much, but he’d be happy to have DS in a dirty jumper, and sometimes I think he interacts with the dog more than he does me/the kids! Both his other two were unplanned when ex was on the pill, but I think he thinks she planned it , and it’s possible he thinks that now although I have told him I forgot the pill as I was so ill with covid (the sex was consensual btw, no forced sex).

I’m stuck because my heart wants the baby, but I know logically and sensibly it’s not the right time at all. OH said he wants to enjoy life with me more first- go on a holiday together, get each of our houses sorted, have the kids see our relationship develop before bringing a baby into it. But I’m the one who would have to live with it afterwards. And I’ll be 36 when the baby is born, what if this is my last chance? I can get my house completed in a few months so that will be straight, and although my parents live 200 miles away they miss me and both retired last year so I think they would move down into the 2nd bedroom, if I had to do it alone and we split up. I’ve not told them because of the drama of last time, and don’t want either to tell me to abort because we’ve not been together long. I wanted to make my own mind up and tell them at 3 months when they would have to accept it. My dad is turning 70 in April and my mum 65, this would be their first grandchild and I worked out I would be able to tell them the gender for their birthdays. My girlfriends are supportive of me whatever I decide. I’m the first in our small group to be pregnant and they are all single. I keep thinking, if I abort and we split up down the line, it might be too late to find someone and have a baby with them. On the other hand, if I don’t abort and we split up, at least I’ve got my baby/family and I won’t be too old to find someone new to have a relationship with. If they had kids too I wouldn’t feel like I’m missing out if I didn’t have one as I would have one. But also, I fell pregnant after one incident when 24, and probably only a few now, so if I waited to see if this is the right person, and build up more foundation with him it might not be too late, however I’ll never know.

This is the most difficult decision. I have an appointment at Marie stopes on the 29th for everything- due to them not seeing me on 24th- a scan, medical questionnaire, counselling and the procedure itself if I want to go through with it then. If I don’t I have to wait till 7th jan.
I’m so torn :( Any advice or insights would be much appreciated Thankyou so much

Reading about single parenthood scares me, how lonely, bored, depressed some posters say they are

....And many in relationships on here sayjng the same !!

I had naively thought this would bring us all together as a family and that it is the perfect time to have a baby- I have a house, they are retired. But they have other ideas

Why on earth wouldn’t they have other ideas? Why would you think otherwise? You can’t just assume that someone wants to spend their retirement doing childcare for goodness sake! You are pregnant, unplanned and not in a stable relationship with a partner who also wants a child. You need to decide if you want to be a single parent with lifelong ties to this man who doesn’t want to be in this situation with you, and also whether you want to saddle a child with him and the less than ideal situation. Personally I think it’s wrong to bring children into the world in these circumstances, but this is MN so you’ll be cheered on into having a baby in any circumstances whatsoever.

Hi @beautifulclouds I think I might tell them I need to be on my own to get my head round things, doesn’t help that dad has been itching for weeks to come down and crack on with the house. Shits gonna hit the fan here at home tomorrow though if I don’t go through with it, and there’s a problem with my boiler at mine we discovered today which I don’t know how to fix so my house currently doesn’t heat up. Storm Bella took out 6 fence panels in my garden which I’ve also just seen and need replacing, my dad will want to come soon to help do that since the garden is not secure now. I worry about these things and being on my own and coping with them. I would be forking out more money to get them done as I would probably call in a tradesman. Just little things like that niggle me about future finances... OH also gets a good trade discount on materials and tools which helps out an awful lot. I don’t mean to sound materialistic as I’m not particularly, it’s just the extra outgoings I imagine just coz I’d be single versus with partner. Minds been going over lots and this is one thing another lady mentioned recently

I feel like I’ll have no safe place, as in one house will be the OH and in the other the parents. I might delay them

I'd leave this thread OP as people are projecting their thoughts left right and centre and all it will do is confuse you further. Good luck with whatever you decide.

@BertieBotts Thankyou that’s a very interesting way to look at it! Yes I would be disappointed if they said I wasn’t pregnant, and relieved (if a little apprehensive) if they said they couldn’t abort. I happen to have found that gingerbread site and other articles about single parent house shares and it does sound like it could be a good idea. I don’t live in London, so I’d have to advertise my own place and their might be less demand for it but certainly would’ve worth a try.
I actually think it’s awful that the clinic will be trying to do everything in one day, how can you possibly say definitely yes to the abortion after one quick session of counselling?! Surely I would need time, though I appreciate everyone is different and some are a hell of a lot surer of their decision than me, but I specifically asked them for counselling

Think you’re right @BaaHumbugg!

He sounds awful , you refer to him as your other half , after 5 months ? i bet he doesn't use the same term for you .
He also doesn't give the impression of a good dad , if he was on your side he may be a little shocked / unsure but he would reassure you that he would do his best for you and your baby .
Go it alone , you'll be fine ,when that baby is placed in your arms it will all fall into place , you will find a way to do this .
As a woman that fights fires and all the other amazing challenges you face in your career this will be a walk in the park.

@Firegirl35

Hi *@beautifulclouds* I think I might tell them I need to be on my own to get my head round things, doesn’t help that dad has been itching for weeks to come down and crack on with the house. Shits gonna hit the fan here at home tomorrow though if I don’t go through with it, and there’s a problem with my boiler at mine we discovered today which I don’t know how to fix so my house currently doesn’t heat up. Storm Bella took out 6 fence panels in my garden which I’ve also just seen and need replacing, my dad will want to come soon to help do that since the garden is not secure now. I worry about these things and being on my own and coping with them. I would be forking out more money to get them done as I would probably call in a tradesman. Just little things like that niggle me about future finances... OH also gets a good trade discount on materials and tools which helps out an awful lot. I don’t mean to sound materialistic as I’m not particularly, it’s just the extra outgoings I imagine just coz I’d be single versus with partner. Minds been going over lots and this is one thing another lady mentioned recently

I feel like I’ll have no safe place, as in one house will be the OH and in the other the parents. I might delay them

I hear you OP, but these are all minor issues in comparison with the life changing event (as you have already experienced) of aborting a much wanted baby. I think delaying your parents and the decision at the clinic sounds like a good idea.

He does refer to me as his partner, or other half? Just because he’s not being supportive now, I know he sees me as that (whether because of how he feels about me or what I could bring to his life is another question). There are many other areas of my life he’s been supportive of, eg. researching for hours to find me the right car and looking all over the country for weeks for a good deal on one, making sure I always have gluten free food in the house, doing work in my house like boarding out the loft, filling, painting.. he said early doors it’s rare to find a genuine and nice person these days, and he wasn’t messing about he was done looking now he’s found me

Maybe that’s because he’s too lazy.... his high sex drive will soon push him to find another after me though. He said there’s no way he’d let me into his kids lives how I am if he wasn’t serious about me, and that he knew very early on what he felt for me. I get where you’re coming from though.
I feel thinking that it will all fall into place once the baby is in my arms is naive thinking in that, all the practical logistics and finances won’t sort themselves out. Not that they are impossible

Surely it would be better to go alone to your appointment (or with a friend). Then you can really think how you feel? Him being there is just going to force you into doing what he wants? Can you go and stay with your friend afterwards too? I don’t think living with him while you try to decide is helping you think clearly either.

I think at 35 you should have the baby, there is never an ideal time to have a baby. This man cannot be relied on so don't rely on him. Is being a firewoman compatible with motherhood? You must be super fit maybe you could do something else on the side in future personal training etc. Take in a lodger. Good luck.

I've just speed read the whole thread and the one over arching thing I've gleaned from reading it is that if you have an abortion tomorrow you will regret it!!

How everything else pans out is up in the air but where this baby is concerned, you'd be a fool to go ahead tomorrow because your mum wants you to, your dad wants you to and your partner (doesn't sound like much of a partner) wants you to. The be all and end all is that you don't want to yet are considering putting your body through it because other people want you to!!

Many people find themselves as single parents for any number of reasons and it's as rewarding as it is challenging.

Financially, there'll be help available to you so try not to stress too much about that.

Please don't go through with tomorrow on the basis that others want you to....

You shouldn't have to talk yourself into having an abortion. If you don't want one, don't have one. Nobody is making you.

And don't bring your boyfriend who wants you go ahead with it to the appointment, I'd go alone so you can be completely open and honest with them

My heart is hurting for you OP. It's blindingly obvious you want this baby and you're considering aborting because other people want you to. You're 35, not 15! Let's say your OH says OK, let's have the baby and then you split up after a year? You'd still be a single parent. I know a few women who have gone through the donor route and have thrived.
Your DM sounds like a nightmare but I'd bet my house she'd come round once her GC was here. As a firefighter you'd be able to move to a cheaper area and possibly closer to your DPs, I'd bin the bloke off, have nothing to do with him and look upon him as a sperm donor. Sorry for the rambling reply!

You never regret the children you have, only the ones you don't have.

Also, I have many friends who are single parents, and they cope. They cope because they have to, and because motherhood is a sisterhood and other mothers will have your back.

😭😭😭 Thankyou everyone and what you say is so true, you never regret the children you have only the ones you don’t have. How sad..

He’s not going to be coming in with me as he’s not allowed to. I’ve just told my mum how I’m feeling about it all after she’s queried where my head is at. Probably trying to make sure I have it done tomorrow

Not read the full thread. How long have you actually known him?
No wonder his kids are anxious you moved in to their 2nd home 2 weeks after your first date.
You only know what he wants you to know. No need to commit to him. Plan your life for you (and your baby- if it’s right for you). Move out and set you bar higher. If he’s self employed he may try and get out of maintenance as seen on many other threads.

Not at all true that you don't regret the children you have. Plenty of people regret having their children. They regret parenthood, they regret the person they had the child with, they regret the situation the child was brought up in. I don't understand why people keep saying that no one regrets their kids. Many do but don't say it. Hell just look up regretful parents on reddit.

Ok I can only imagine how difficult this is for you. Like many others have said this will be the end of your relationship either way as I think you will continue to be "hurt" at the lack of support your DP has offered you during this time. I think if you want the baby you will make it work and by the sounds of it anything apart from a "normal" family will be a disappointment to your parents.

My advice Is to put everyone else's opinions out of your mind and think about YOU! What do YOU want? Can YOU do this? What's best for YOU? What's that quote, it will all be alright in the end and if it's not alright it's not the end. Don't be pressured into doing something you don't want to do to please others.

Yes I have seen many things on regretting children actually. He is self employed main job and has a second job to get his sole name on his house... when he told me his ex might limit contact to weekends and therefore he’d have to pay maintenance he said but I have a plan for that, I’ll quit my job at X ... then I guess fiddle the books on his self employed job? All so he doesn’t pay her money. He hates her as she had an affair and split up the family, but he might grow to hate and resent me for this and behave same. He gets paid cash in hand with his job and I actually have no idea what he earns, other than he’s got a healthy balance and can be tight! Not that I’d be after that as I’m working out if I can do it on my own.

I’ve known him 5 months! And his kids love me we have a good relationship, the only wobble has been from DS the past two few weeks, it tied in with us both isolating due to covid, I was out of action for 2 weeks so couldn’t play etc with them, and then we were half way into December and xmas looming he just wanted the Xmas’s he used to have with his parents together. However since my arrival both DS’s teachers and extended family have said there’s been a marked improvement in his behaviour, he’s winning awards for kindness at school, he’s come out his shell and is talking more and wanting to join in games. So I don’t think I’ve had a negative effect on them. They are of course going to have ups and downs.

Your desire to continue with the pregnancy and have a child is so blatantly obvious, OP.

Tell your BF and parents this:

^ I have decided that I cannot go through with a termination. I am pregnant and you have to deal with that fact. It has happened and I am going to look forward and start planning for the baby's arrival. I hope you will support me and be good grandparents/father. I am prepared to do this alone if you won't support me, but that will be your loss.^

You're 35 years old and firefighter fgs. That is surely pretty close to an ultimate definition of a woman who's able to make her own decisions in life.

Even if the only decision at this stage is to give yourself a bit longer to think about it. Deciding you're not ready to decide would also be ok. But it's up to YOU.

I agree with Bendy Op, don't rush into it tomorrow, see how far along you are, what the counsellor says, the 7th is not that far away if you decide to terminate. But I was a single parent with my 1st child, had been married 6yrs then 2weeks before my due date he got pissed and drove 60miles to his best mates, it got worse when DS was 4months old he left me.Yes it was hard, had to rely on some benefits for a while, very lonely as my family live 270miles away, but the bond my DS and I have is wonderful even though he's about to be a teen! He will forever love his Mummy and I him.