36 in June, pregnant with 1st after 5 months with OH who doesn’t want it

[Firegirl35]

Hi girls I’ve been reading and lurking but really need to share my situation for some advice..

I’m 35, no children and have found out I’m pregnant. I’ve been with the father just 5 months, we have had a rushed relationship as first date in July and then I moved in 2 weeks later mainly due to my house purchase falling through... I’ve now bought a house that needs some work doing and am currently still living with him.

He’s 37, has a 6 year old daughter and 8 year old son from a previous LTR which he was devastated ended in her having an affair, telling him she didn’t love him anymore and tearing the family apart. He took it hard as he was the same age as his son when the same thing happened to him. When we first got together he said he’s not against having more kids ‘one day’. His mum went on to remarry and have a baby when she was 42, so he is open to it, but also he seems to think age isn’t really a barrier.

We have the kids exactly half the week (so he doesn’t pay ex maintenance), and things have been great until a few weeks ago when his son started having sickness and anxiety at meal times.. he’s asked his dad why he’s not with mummy and even said he doesn’t want Christmas. I don’t know if going between two houses is upsetting for them, but the ex has suggested she has them more. He’s dead against this, he wants to see them more, and he also doesn’t trust that if he gave her maintenance it would actually be spent on the kids. I’m not sure if he’s controlling her with this. I have no relationship with her whatsoever, she seems a bit threatened by the bond I have with her children but I think she’s coming round. The whole situation is new and they are still figuring it out a bit.

Anyway, I tested positive for covid on Nov 30th. I’m a firefighter and once the two weeks isolation ended I still felt very ill with symptoms like fatigue and sickness that weren’t going away... so I got signed off work another 2 weeks. I tried to get anti sickness tablets prescribed, and was asked if I could be pregnant. I took 3 tests which all came back positive and it was confirmed by an out of hours GP an hour later..

I was in total shock and couldn’t stop shaking for hours. I called a male friend who has been very supportive, and I registered with a maternity unit as I wanted an early scan to date me... I think I got pregnant when I was ill, as I stopped taking the pill but we did have sex once. The week before that though I was fatigued, so I don’t know. I have ended up contacting Marie curie for a scan as I knew I could get in there quick, and they booked me in for Xmas eve. We left early but the motorway was closed and the diversion made us late for the appointment, so they wouldn’t see me :(

I told my partner a few days ago, and his reaction was “for fcuk sake”. Then “what are you going to do?” He’s since made it very clear to me in several heartfelt conversations how he feels about it all, that it was wrong as it was a very bad time, he’s still getting his head around the situation he’s in and the fall out from it, the kids aren’t totally settled yet (more his son), and he always swore that if he had kids again it would be when everything was totally right as he wouldn’t want to bring another “broken person” into the world as he puts it. He said that everyone else would think the same, and that it’s just a pill. His ex terminated their third which he was against at the time but thinks they would struggle to cope as they would have had two young ones.. His opinion of abortions now is that they are fine, as she was fine with having the medical one. And he says he’s glad as that’s one less kid he would have messed up. He tells me it wouldn’t work as he knows he’s not ready for another baby now, that it’s Horrific and you need to be rock solid. I think he believes that I will 99% get rid of it, after a frosty day or so we’ve been getting on better even making jokes, but that’s because he thinks I’m definitely having an abortion. If I say something against that, then it’s “I don’t want to argue” “we keep going over it” or “it’s doing my head in”

For me-
I had a surgical abortion at 7 weeks when I was 24. I had only been with the guy 4 months and he lived 200 miles away, he was fairly happy and we were going to keep it but I was scared as I was young, living in a flat with a girlfriend, suffering badly with an eating disorder, and extreme sickness. I told my parents and my mum went mental, made me feel stupid and like a kid and that it was a mistake and I wouldn’t cope. So I ended up going to a clinic, coming away as I couldn’t do it, facing the wrath from my mum and going back to have it. It fcuked me up for years, I went through phases of being completely obsessed with babies to deciding I wanted absolutely nothing to do with them (then my decision was justified). I moved to be with my partner, secretly hated my mum for two years it took me to forgive her in my head. I was with my partner for 8 years, so it would have probably worked out and we only split when I decided to become a firefighter and he didn’t want to move away again.

I told myself at the time of the abortion that I would never do that again. But also as I’ve got older I’ve seen the rough side of life with kids so have a realistic view which makes me appreciate time I’ve had single/free. I know babies/families are hard work, but I see myself with one in the future. (Near or distant not sure). It’s really hard being a step mum/friend figure to my OHs two , and makes me want my own. I missed out on the baby stage and toddlers... ill also never be the one they want when they’re ill, and mums Xmas dinner trumps ours, they want to stay at mums Xmas eve etc... the mum always wins. It hurts. I feel like I love them like my own but I don’t get them if that makes sense, and it makes the pain of not having my own more. I thought before I got pregnant, if it doesn’t work out with me and OH (haven’t been happy with his behaviour- he’s quite lazy, dirty etc round the house, doesn’t pay me compliments, and he’s only an ok dad, he does provide and cook for them and they don’t go without much, but he’d be happy to have DS in a dirty jumper, and sometimes I think he interacts with the dog more than he does me/the kids! Both his other two were unplanned when ex was on the pill, but I think he thinks she planned it , and it’s possible he thinks that now although I have told him I forgot the pill as I was so ill with covid (the sex was consensual btw, no forced sex).

I’m stuck because my heart wants the baby, but I know logically and sensibly it’s not the right time at all. OH said he wants to enjoy life with me more first- go on a holiday together, get each of our houses sorted, have the kids see our relationship develop before bringing a baby into it. But I’m the one who would have to live with it afterwards. And I’ll be 36 when the baby is born, what if this is my last chance? I can get my house completed in a few months so that will be straight, and although my parents live 200 miles away they miss me and both retired last year so I think they would move down into the 2nd bedroom, if I had to do it alone and we split up. I’ve not told them because of the drama of last time, and don’t want either to tell me to abort because we’ve not been together long. I wanted to make my own mind up and tell them at 3 months when they would have to accept it. My dad is turning 70 in April and my mum 65, this would be their first grandchild and I worked out I would be able to tell them the gender for their birthdays. My girlfriends are supportive of me whatever I decide. I’m the first in our small group to be pregnant and they are all single. I keep thinking, if I abort and we split up down the line, it might be too late to find someone and have a baby with them. On the other hand, if I don’t abort and we split up, at least I’ve got my baby/family and I won’t be too old to find someone new to have a relationship with. If they had kids too I wouldn’t feel like I’m missing out if I didn’t have one as I would have one. But also, I fell pregnant after one incident when 24, and probably only a few now, so if I waited to see if this is the right person, and build up more foundation with him it might not be too late, however I’ll never know.

This is the most difficult decision. I have an appointment at Marie stopes on the 29th for everything- due to them not seeing me on 24th- a scan, medical questionnaire, counselling and the procedure itself if I want to go through with it then. If I don’t I have to wait till 7th jan.
I’m so torn :( Any advice or insights would be much appreciated Thankyou so much

You are so right about the condom thing, and I did say that but of course he scoffed repeating that he thought I was on pill, wouldn’t have come near me otherwise etc etc...
And even had I been on it, because I was so poorly it might not even have worked anyway! I’m not particularly religious but I did think to myself I’ll let god decide whether I’ve fallen pregnant or not. Here I am...

I feel like confiding in my mums only and religious sister, I think I know which way she would be saying and would be a hell of a lot more supportive than my mum! I don’t know what’s wrong with her...
now she’s saying “keep us informed!” “What time is your appointment?!” “When do you want us down?”

I think she will be angry and try and change my mind again. OH doesn’t know I’ve told anyone. Don’t think dad would be able to keep quiet in front of him so it will be a shit show with all three of them telling me the right thing to do is abort. I just want to run away/disappear.

Oh and I don’t own my own outright or could get a mortgage on my own on this house on my wage, so my dad went in with me and I effectively pay him. He’s very invested in the house, I guess it’s technically his so it’s not secure for me if we have a Massive family fall out. Can’t imagine him taking his grandchild’s home away from them though, he’s always been a kind and generous dad. Mums the manipulator. Dad still very upset and quite anti kids for me too. Makes me feel like what do they know that I don’t? Is it really that awful, do they regret me that much, would I really be that terrible a parent?! I dont know if my old eating disorder and body image comes into it, mums funny with food always has been, and dad cycles through binging and over exercising, weighing himself to the lb. maybe they wondering how I’d cope with body changes during and post partum, and getting the time to exercise. I need to for my job and mental health.

Yes they do treat me like a teenager often.
And my dad is old school, he doesn’t believe in buying things on credit or finance including a house if he can! He also didn’t realise how low a wage I’m on and says I should be on 50k as I’m degree educated. Yet I’m a FF bringing home probably 25k after student loans. So as he sold his business he bought the house and is acting as the bank to me. Now I see how tying this is. It’s my name on the house but he also has some sort of protection eg if my partner tries to take the house off me it goes back to his name or something like that. I’d have to ask my solicitor again..

I definitely do not see my life as raising a child on my own in a 2 bedroom flat after being estranged from my family 😔

I feel like all of my relationships are falling apart, my parents and my partner and I’m losing everything. And keeping baby wouldn’t stop that happening either. Never felt so unsupported in all my life. If I have an abortion I am going to cut my mum out my life, no updates on it, nothing that’s it we’re not close anymore. I saw a psychic two years ago who said we will get close when I have my first child- not happening! If I abort and go on to have a baby I feel like I won’t tell them unless they see me with a bump, why they have to act like this??! And if I do something unconventional like fostering or donor or co parent with another single person which is quite likely, then she won’t approve of that anyway!!! I can’t help but feel like this is going to ruin OHs life as he clearly doesn’t want it

Tell your parents you don't need them to come down, tell them you have a friend coming with you and you don't need them. They are treating you like a teenager not a 35 year old woman.

Take some more time to think about what you want without everyone else's opinions influencing you. If you are early stages then you still have time to make a decision and you don't need to rush

I feel like all of my relationships are falling apart

What if they're falling apart for a good reason, though? What's good about keeping people close to you who treat you in manipulative and controlling ways. Pregnancy/motherhood can be transformative in women's lives, making us realise things about our families and bringing us closer to who we really are. For me definitely it had been eye opening in a similar way too.

OP you have to do what's right for you. My experience of upset/angry parents is this soon fall by the wayside when their grandchild comes along.

My parents were very upset and worried when my brother had his son at 21 saying things like it will be in the care system/adopted etc (mother had serious issues). Reality their grandchild came along and when it looked like my nephew would go into care they filed for joint guardianship. They helped raised him from 1 year old he's now 15 and still stays with them half of the time because he likes it.

I suggest speaking to the counselling service if it is not right for you then don't do it but at the same time there is zero judgment if you do.

Yes fathers can be made to pay via child maintenance it's not a lot and because he has existing children it will be even less. Having children is a struggle not going to sugar coat that one but you also have to make sure that you are comfortable with your decision. Regardless of what people say.

Why would you not see yourself in a 2 bed flat.

I have friends who have brought up 2 children in a 1 bed flat whilst they saved for a house.

How is that worse than being controlled by those around you

I think you need to look at the reality of the situation.
How much do you actually have if you don’t really own your own home. You are I presume doing it up so who is paying for the paint and labour. Has your father said if it was sold how much he would take back.
Is it actually worth doing anything if he is going to take the lot.

Just because you are in a 2 bed flat doesn’t mean you have to stay there. You can save and work your way up. I brought my 2 up in a 1 bed 1 box room house till they were well into their teens.

@Firegirl35

Oh girls 😢 I’m in hell. Two nights ago I thought I had a light bulb moment in bed where I pieced together small incidents or comments from OH and thought “he’s a narcissist!” Much more subtle than the last one who was absolutely horrific, but a narc nonetheless. I don’t think I believe that now, my head was spinning, but it made it easier to then message my mum early hours of the morning and tell her I was having a termination. She of course was supportive saying they would come down whenever I want them. I don’t know why I feel like I have to have my mothers approval at 35. Even if I didn’t think I needed any help from her I think I would still feel like this. She is 65, dad is 70, they retired two years ago and have no friends, are very bored and lonely, and because of that invest too much in me for a source of interest/company/entertainment, swinging from being too clingy to starting arguments and bickering. I had naively thought this would bring us all together as a family and that it is the perfect time to have a baby- I have a house, they are retired. But they have other ideas 😔 Anyway after that message I had busy day yesterday at my house with OH painting etc, we didn’t have the kids. I started to feel the anger and resentment to my mum grow and grow and I really don’t know how to handle the anger I feel towards her for having this reaction yet again and making out they will abandon me (the comments on me being on my own financially and emotionally- who says that? It’s making me hate her). Maybe our relationship is destroyed either way, if I keep it or not. She could even resent the baby. I think she lives vicariously through me, and maybe she didn’t want kids so doesn’t want me to make the same mistake!! It has since her reaction to the first made me feel since that it must be awful and no ones talking about it, hence I swinged between wanting them and not, especially as I googled things like I regret my children which I know is taboo but very real. Last night in bed I was typing a message on here, when my OH saw and pushed for what I was doing. I tried to be casual but he pressed me and I’ve ended up saying I’m talking to people for advice. We then had a full blown argument. He told me not to listen to “Karen’s on the internet who don’t know your situation” and I said I was explaining my situation and people are sharing their experiences, and of different terminations too. Which he also thought was shit as like when people leave reviews apparantly only a certain type of person does that so I’m getting a skewed perspective, I said no I’m getting an honest and varied perspective and it helps. He told me not to and I was like why shouldn’t I educate myself and gain more knowledge?! Then it went on... to the option of me keeping the baby and he emphatically repeated that he didn’t want any more children. I asked ever? And he said not right now, and that it was a mistake as I should have been on the pill, it will tear us apart etc etc... we kept butting heads to the point that I was triggered by something he said to call him a bad name, he told me not to speak to him like that and I could move out. He called himself a sperm donor and said what he wants doesn’t matter. I’m going to bring a kid into the world regardless? Even though he doesn’t want it? Coz thats fair and will be easy etc.. making me feel like actually no it’s not fair on him. I regret deeply getting myself into this situation but I’m in it now. He also said how much people would be angry- like his parents- and will say why are you getting her pregnant so early on? Because she wasn’t taking the pill! When he said that we argued about the incident again and me being ill with covid so didn’t take it he said I should still have taken it lol. He thinks I’ve done it on purpose to trap him. We kind of made up watched a film went to sleep, but in the morning time he’d rather motion for his dog to come further up the bed to him than put his arm around me. This is not unusual.

I feel so alone other than with everyone on MN who have been such a support it’s incredible. If I feel so alone now, I can’t imagine how isolating and lonely it would be on my own with a baby. I’ve no experience with babies and don’t have a clue about caring for them, it would be a massive learning curve. I also do very badly without sleep so the deprivation intimidates me.

Oh my mum had said about single struggling mums as my wage isn’t very good, low 20sk and I live in an expensive county so I actually do struggle sometimes just me. I know I could cut back though- socialising, big food shops, and things for my house have all been things that have pushed me past two years, I wouldn’t have them anymore!! I’d have to get a lodger, but who would want to live with a newborn ?

hi op . another poster has commented below this and said quite rightly it can only be your choice no one elses , you know we can all advise you and yes we can hold your hand and offer support no matter what , but keep the baby , have an abortion , we dont have to live with the results of it you do .. your partner seems to think you will have an abortion and thats it carry on as before , my only opinion on this is its doomed now anyway , your latest spate with him has really highlighted that . hes not changing his mind any and to boot you are to blame . there seems to be a lot of panic in his mind about you keeping it and how its going to affect his image with his parents and thats not your problem .. its his . to keep the baby really will mean not putting him on the birth certificate , you have asked can he be forced to pay upkeep . yes he can . if he refuses voluntarily than you can force him , but my question is why would you want to ? the danger here is that hes going to put you in the same situation as his ex and want 50/50 to which you can refuse .but if he feels bloody minded about it he can apply to family court for it . they will look only at whats in the best interests of the child so theres no guarentee he will get it , but do you really want all that aggro ? yes your entitled to it . but personally id rather try and manage without it . on the plus side he really cant be arsed with the 2 kids hes got let alone a baby . as for babies some cry alot , some dont . the first couple of months are the hardest for that if i remember rightly thats when the colic can hit . but it does pass and to be fair i think for a few months you really could do without a lodger there anyway , it would be better once baby had settled and you have the hang of things . you could apply for working tax credits to help and just see what you could claim for . i earn less than you do and get no maintanece and i scrape along with the 12 yr old lol . and the 2 cats .5 house rabbits ! , i had no experience with babies either , but trust me you soon bloody learn . your oh is kicking off about what he wants does not matter , well really the way things are even with an abortion id be surprised if you are able to carry on living with him so honestly , harshly , he wont support you so no what he wants doesnt really matter at all !! xx

You’re so clearly hugely conflicted about this abortion @Firegirl35. I really don’t think you should be having it in this frame of mind, I have a horrible juggling feeling you’ll end up regretting it.

Creeping, not juggling 😬 weirdest autocorrect ever.

Nothing wrong with a two bed flat .

Really feel for you OP, this is a really tough situation. I think if your parents had shown you a shred of support, you'd be having the baby. Personally I wouldn't let them sway your decision either way. Just cut them out of the equation completely.

The more pressing issue is being tied to this bellend for the next 18 yrs and beyond. Perhaps you should suggest that if he wants nothing to do with the baby then that's fine, you will not chase him for maintenance, but that you will not be putting him on the birth certificate and he basically relinquishes any parental responsibility?

You are absolutely right in saying had they shown me a shred of support I’d be having the baby. Just got back from doing more bits at my house and learnt about tier 5 which I will be going into which is crap! But almost perfect time to be holed up with a baby, not like we can easily travel and live a life of Riley.

Nothing wrong with a 2 bed flat no, didn’t mean to sound there was, it’s just not the life I would expect for me with a child, of course ideally I’d want a solid family, LTR and house with garden for kids I just meant that is so far from my dream.

My friends in RL were initially supportive, but it’s gone quiet from them over text no one speaking since Xmas day, only my male northern friend keeps checking in on me daily, and you ladies. So not sure how supportive my existing network really is. They are all almost an hour away from me anyway

I have been looking at fetus development as a pp had said I couldn’t not, I’m not sure about actually looking at the scan tomorrow. I also have an app pregnancy + which I keep having a look at, despite this I’ve not restarted the folic. OH doesn’t understand why me having a scan and finding out how far I am matters so much, like an abortion is fine at any stage. I almost wish I had a phantom pregnancy (is that the right term?!) where I had no symptoms and was far gone, as a termination would be a no no and everyone else would have to accept it too and hopefully wouldn’t be pressing me to have one past 12 weeks...
I feel that I want to do the whole baby thing alone now, this one or next, I clearly can’t rely on my parents and they wouldn’t be happy for me whatever the circumstances because of their own stereotypes, prejudices and issues... they would take away my happiness and enjoyment of it so I’m not telling them. I don’t know if it would ever happen again though now for me in the natural find a man, have a relationship, both want a kid at the same time and start trying (and then be successful). I think what another poster said could happen- they will probably have children of their own and be tied to them, saying they want to wait longer coz of them etc.
So doing it on my own with a donor would avoid all that, but can you imagine my mums reaction to that LOL!!! This isn’t the life we want for you and shouldn’t be what you want!

I feel so angry at everyone and everything

This is your life. No one else's. If you want to have this baby, then it's totally irrelevant what your parents, or anyone else for that matter, thinks.

The fact that you are hoping you are far enough that you can't have an abortion, or they people wouldn't pressure you again speaks volumes.

If you want your baby, have your baby!

Your posts are so sad. I'm so glad I defied everyone and had my baby. I wouldn't have wanted one at a later stage in my life. It depends on how much you want a child, if you do, go for it. I kept looking at pictures of foetal development too and pictured myself showing the baby Christmas lights etc. I knew that mentality a termination would have affected me badly. You may be very different and sail through it with few regrets. Do what you want and forget everyone else. I did.

Thankyou, they are sad and I’m sad. I’ve just been reading about abortions and I know I’ll feel hollow and empty inside afterwards. The kids come to us soon, they are having to go their nanas so we can go the clinic tomorrow. I’m just going to want to disappear and grieve, lay in bed and sleep and maybe cry if I’m not too numb, but his kids will be with us (and his DD loves me and doesn’t leave me alone). Parents are also pestering me for when can they come down. Probably to make sure I have the termination 😞 I feel like I’ll want everyone to F off and be on my own, no one actually really asked me what I wanted so screw them how can they fake concern over my well-being afterwards?

I'm sorry but this is terrible family planning:

"I’m not particularly religious but I did think to myself I’ll let god decide whether I’ve fallen pregnant or not. Here I am..."

Especially in an uncommitted relationship with a man who has indicated he didn't want more kids.

Please get some professional therapy to help you sort out your many issues, after you have the abortion. Offspring need mature, stable parents from Day One.

OP it is very clear from your replies that you do not want this abortion, so don't do it. You already know you are going to regret and resent it. You have a chance to choose not to do that. Once it is done and you are consumed with regret you will wish you could go back to this moment where you could choose differently.
Forget your partner, there is no coming back from this for your relationship anyway. And forget your parents, this is your baby, not theirs. Do what your heart is telling you to do, not what you are being bullied into thinking you have to do.

And ignore PerveenMistry incredibly unhelpful reply, I've no idea how people can be so hateful to someone in crisis.

[quote Firegirl35]@bearfood exactly that

But I’ve also not been taking folic acid, I started, then I stopped now wish I hadn’t. The GP prescribed me 5mg and I’ve since found out it should be 400mg plus?! So I’m worried there could be damage from me not taking it, my nutrition ever since has been bad too as I’m so sick[/quote]
The recommended amount is 400mcg but dr has prescribed you 5mg which is more than 400mcg (if that’s makes sense!) my gp also prescribed me 5mg of folic acid because of my age so it must be the correct dose for you. So don’t worry about the folic acid xx

I agree with @pbdr entirely - if you want the baby, have the baby yourself and the rest will work out. Don’t do something because you’re under pressure to it, no good can come of that xx

I'm really confused by your posts OP, it seems like you don't want to have the abortion but are going to do it anyway? I'm sorry if I've got this wrong but don't use your family and boyfriend as a scapegoat if you actually do want to terminate and can't admit it to yourself. Either option is totally your choice but your head seems a complete mess and it will be a recipe for disaster if you don't take some more time to think about it. I do hope you're ok x

@pbdr Thankyou for your kindness. To the pp: obviously that wasn’t family planning, I had been unwell and it was an accident, I didn’t really want to go rushing out for the morning after pill when I still had covid and shouldn’t have left the house (nor him) for another week.. as I’m broody anyway at the time it wouldn’t have been a disaster I thought chances are I won’t and if I am maybe it’s meant to be. But also thought partner wouldn’t react how he has.

Reading about single parenthood scares me, how lonely, bored, depressed some posters say they are. It’s hard to know if I’d be setting myself and other people up for misery. It’s more risky if I kept it that I would be I suppose. It would be putting everyone else first to terminate and i can be a people pleaser. I wish I had the strength and confidence to say screw you I’m doing this on my own. But I don’t. I’ve taken myself to bed already as I don’t have the energy to fight anymore. We got home and he sat on sofa loaded Xbox up I came on here and read/chatted to you. He’s not even spoken to me. Kids round now, don’t have the energy to entertain them. Let their dad do it! Don’t even have energy to speak

@Firegirl35

Thankyou, they are sad and I’m sad. I’ve just been reading about abortions and I know I’ll feel hollow and empty inside afterwards. The kids come to us soon, they are having to go their nanas so we can go the clinic tomorrow. I’m just going to want to disappear and grieve, lay in bed and sleep and maybe cry if I’m not too numb, but his kids will be with us (and his DD loves me and doesn’t leave me alone). Parents are also pestering me for when can they come down. Probably to make sure I have the termination 😞 I feel like I’ll want everyone to F off and be on my own, no one actually really asked me what I wanted so screw them how can they fake concern over my well-being afterwards?

Then why would you go through with it, @Firegirl35? It's clearly not what you want!!!

I could probably talk myself into wanting it (abortion), but i would probably become depressed afterwards and would possibly want to distance myself entirely from the whole family thing. I am very mixed up over it you’re right. I don’t really want to do it on my own, OH and family aren’t supportive so I feel backed into a corner. Maybe I should have counselling. The next date after tomorrow for a surgical procedure is 7th, which is just prolonging this torture. My friend has said he’ll come stay with me for a while in February when I’ve got the second room complete, which I am eternally grateful for. Sorry forgot to say to a pp who asked who is paying for my house work and paint etc, I am.

It would be putting everyone else first to terminate and i can be a people pleaser. I wish I had the strength and confidence to say screw you I’m doing this on my own. But I don’t.

You can do it, OP. Do it for your baby if not for yourself. All you have to do is say no the abortion tomorrow. Just say you're not sure yet and need a bit more time. As a PP suggested, tell your parents not to come down as you have a friend going with your already (or some other excuse). Or tell everyone you need time alone and to leave you alone.

Someone once said to me the way you see how you really feel is this.

If you woke up tomorrow and go to your appointment and they say there's been a mistake, you're not pregnant after all, this has all gone away without you having to do anything - how would you feel? Relieved or disappointed?

If you went to the appointment tomorrow and they said you're mistaken with your dates, it's much further along and not possible to abort, how would you feel? Terrified or relieved?

From this: " I almost wish I had a phantom pregnancy (is that the right term?!) where I had no symptoms and was far gone, as a termination would be a no no and everyone else would have to accept it too"

I think you already know.

Having no experience with babies is totally normal with your first child.

You may be able to force child support - it might go to a court battle. You know he has 50/50 care of his other children specifically to avoid this. The other way they avoid it (what my dad did) is quit their job so they have no income. Since you KNOW he has form for avoiding it, I wouldn't count on it but you could certainly try - your child would have a legal and moral right to it.

Single parent house share is a definite possibility, if you're in a high cost of living area. Maybe have a look at the Gingerbread forums? I have also found several ads on spareroom just by googling single parent house share. Add your area and you'll probably find some. It's not unusual these days and if you get on with the other person you may even be able to swap the odd childcare day etc. Either looking for a lodger for your house, or looking for a house share to join.

If you're earning 25k after student loans, you're not doing terribly badly. Sounds like your manager is supportive as well.

I don't think that a clinic will go through with an abortion if you're clearly distressed about it. You could always explain to your parents that you went to the appointment but couldn't go through with it when you got there. Since you have counselling booked in as well, this is hardly an outright lie. You can decide when you get there.