36 in June, pregnant with 1st after 5 months with OH who doesn’t want it

[Firegirl35]

Hi girls I’ve been reading and lurking but really need to share my situation for some advice..

I’m 35, no children and have found out I’m pregnant. I’ve been with the father just 5 months, we have had a rushed relationship as first date in July and then I moved in 2 weeks later mainly due to my house purchase falling through... I’ve now bought a house that needs some work doing and am currently still living with him.

He’s 37, has a 6 year old daughter and 8 year old son from a previous LTR which he was devastated ended in her having an affair, telling him she didn’t love him anymore and tearing the family apart. He took it hard as he was the same age as his son when the same thing happened to him. When we first got together he said he’s not against having more kids ‘one day’. His mum went on to remarry and have a baby when she was 42, so he is open to it, but also he seems to think age isn’t really a barrier.

We have the kids exactly half the week (so he doesn’t pay ex maintenance), and things have been great until a few weeks ago when his son started having sickness and anxiety at meal times.. he’s asked his dad why he’s not with mummy and even said he doesn’t want Christmas. I don’t know if going between two houses is upsetting for them, but the ex has suggested she has them more. He’s dead against this, he wants to see them more, and he also doesn’t trust that if he gave her maintenance it would actually be spent on the kids. I’m not sure if he’s controlling her with this. I have no relationship with her whatsoever, she seems a bit threatened by the bond I have with her children but I think she’s coming round. The whole situation is new and they are still figuring it out a bit.

Anyway, I tested positive for covid on Nov 30th. I’m a firefighter and once the two weeks isolation ended I still felt very ill with symptoms like fatigue and sickness that weren’t going away... so I got signed off work another 2 weeks. I tried to get anti sickness tablets prescribed, and was asked if I could be pregnant. I took 3 tests which all came back positive and it was confirmed by an out of hours GP an hour later..

I was in total shock and couldn’t stop shaking for hours. I called a male friend who has been very supportive, and I registered with a maternity unit as I wanted an early scan to date me... I think I got pregnant when I was ill, as I stopped taking the pill but we did have sex once. The week before that though I was fatigued, so I don’t know. I have ended up contacting Marie curie for a scan as I knew I could get in there quick, and they booked me in for Xmas eve. We left early but the motorway was closed and the diversion made us late for the appointment, so they wouldn’t see me :(

I told my partner a few days ago, and his reaction was “for fcuk sake”. Then “what are you going to do?” He’s since made it very clear to me in several heartfelt conversations how he feels about it all, that it was wrong as it was a very bad time, he’s still getting his head around the situation he’s in and the fall out from it, the kids aren’t totally settled yet (more his son), and he always swore that if he had kids again it would be when everything was totally right as he wouldn’t want to bring another “broken person” into the world as he puts it. He said that everyone else would think the same, and that it’s just a pill. His ex terminated their third which he was against at the time but thinks they would struggle to cope as they would have had two young ones.. His opinion of abortions now is that they are fine, as she was fine with having the medical one. And he says he’s glad as that’s one less kid he would have messed up. He tells me it wouldn’t work as he knows he’s not ready for another baby now, that it’s Horrific and you need to be rock solid. I think he believes that I will 99% get rid of it, after a frosty day or so we’ve been getting on better even making jokes, but that’s because he thinks I’m definitely having an abortion. If I say something against that, then it’s “I don’t want to argue” “we keep going over it” or “it’s doing my head in”

For me-
I had a surgical abortion at 7 weeks when I was 24. I had only been with the guy 4 months and he lived 200 miles away, he was fairly happy and we were going to keep it but I was scared as I was young, living in a flat with a girlfriend, suffering badly with an eating disorder, and extreme sickness. I told my parents and my mum went mental, made me feel stupid and like a kid and that it was a mistake and I wouldn’t cope. So I ended up going to a clinic, coming away as I couldn’t do it, facing the wrath from my mum and going back to have it. It fcuked me up for years, I went through phases of being completely obsessed with babies to deciding I wanted absolutely nothing to do with them (then my decision was justified). I moved to be with my partner, secretly hated my mum for two years it took me to forgive her in my head. I was with my partner for 8 years, so it would have probably worked out and we only split when I decided to become a firefighter and he didn’t want to move away again.

I told myself at the time of the abortion that I would never do that again. But also as I’ve got older I’ve seen the rough side of life with kids so have a realistic view which makes me appreciate time I’ve had single/free. I know babies/families are hard work, but I see myself with one in the future. (Near or distant not sure). It’s really hard being a step mum/friend figure to my OHs two , and makes me want my own. I missed out on the baby stage and toddlers... ill also never be the one they want when they’re ill, and mums Xmas dinner trumps ours, they want to stay at mums Xmas eve etc... the mum always wins. It hurts. I feel like I love them like my own but I don’t get them if that makes sense, and it makes the pain of not having my own more. I thought before I got pregnant, if it doesn’t work out with me and OH (haven’t been happy with his behaviour- he’s quite lazy, dirty etc round the house, doesn’t pay me compliments, and he’s only an ok dad, he does provide and cook for them and they don’t go without much, but he’d be happy to have DS in a dirty jumper, and sometimes I think he interacts with the dog more than he does me/the kids! Both his other two were unplanned when ex was on the pill, but I think he thinks she planned it , and it’s possible he thinks that now although I have told him I forgot the pill as I was so ill with covid (the sex was consensual btw, no forced sex).

I’m stuck because my heart wants the baby, but I know logically and sensibly it’s not the right time at all. OH said he wants to enjoy life with me more first- go on a holiday together, get each of our houses sorted, have the kids see our relationship develop before bringing a baby into it. But I’m the one who would have to live with it afterwards. And I’ll be 36 when the baby is born, what if this is my last chance? I can get my house completed in a few months so that will be straight, and although my parents live 200 miles away they miss me and both retired last year so I think they would move down into the 2nd bedroom, if I had to do it alone and we split up. I’ve not told them because of the drama of last time, and don’t want either to tell me to abort because we’ve not been together long. I wanted to make my own mind up and tell them at 3 months when they would have to accept it. My dad is turning 70 in April and my mum 65, this would be their first grandchild and I worked out I would be able to tell them the gender for their birthdays. My girlfriends are supportive of me whatever I decide. I’m the first in our small group to be pregnant and they are all single. I keep thinking, if I abort and we split up down the line, it might be too late to find someone and have a baby with them. On the other hand, if I don’t abort and we split up, at least I’ve got my baby/family and I won’t be too old to find someone new to have a relationship with. If they had kids too I wouldn’t feel like I’m missing out if I didn’t have one as I would have one. But also, I fell pregnant after one incident when 24, and probably only a few now, so if I waited to see if this is the right person, and build up more foundation with him it might not be too late, however I’ll never know.

This is the most difficult decision. I have an appointment at Marie stopes on the 29th for everything- due to them not seeing me on 24th- a scan, medical questionnaire, counselling and the procedure itself if I want to go through with it then. If I don’t I have to wait till 7th jan.
I’m so torn :( Any advice or insights would be much appreciated Thankyou so much

@AngelDelightUK Thankyou for the idea... once I’m back in work I’ll be on modified duties mon-fri so won’t leave me much time, only the weekends. I did think about it though and maybe even when the baby is here I could do ironing for money (I’m probably under estimating how tired and knackered I will be! But I have a really good steam iron and good quality board 😁)

I got a job as a carer right as this was happening, they need all my CRB and references etc and I need to do training, but they are flexible on hours. Worked out though that if I did that when baby was here, I’d only earn £30 a day (once you take out childcare). I know it’s doable if I pull my finger out and fight my probably lazy urges.

He’s about a ten minute drive away, same town but using different local shops and petrol stations etc so no huge risk of bumping into him... it will have to be pre arranged.

I have to go back for more things he didn’t pack from kitchen

In which case I would be so inclined, once you’ve got everything out of his place, to ignore him. Possibly block his number or just delete messages without reading them. That way he wouldn’t know if you’ve kept the baby or not, and it wouldn’t be any of his business in a way with how he’s acted.

Can you give that lovely midwife who gave you support at your scan a call? She helped so much before that hopefully she could make things clearer again

@chaosrabbitland
You can just read all of the OPs posts together now, which might give you a fuller flavour of the situation.

A lot of the time round MN, the term emotional abuse is used, and sometimes I think the phrase is used too lightly. But I'm actually shocked here at the level of pressure they are using, and unless you actually read the OPs posts then you won't see that, and you may have a different view on the parents behaviour, before defending them.

OP, I'm delighted that you've worked the finances round and discovered you wouldn't be as poor as you think.

I will get things back and then archive his chat and not contact him until he contacts me... I messaged today about the missing items and it’s not even been delivered let alone read 🤷🏻‍♀️

I wish I could contact her! Maybe I could, I didn’t get her name but if I phoned the clinic I’m pretty sure I could describe her well enough... she said that some of her midwife friends work at the hospital I’ll be assigned to (I don’t think she does). It’s worth a try... I’m still waiting to hear back from the hospital with my first appointment.

I just have a £5k shortfall in my maternity pay I need to work out. It would be working 20 hours extra a week (weekends 9-7pm) for 6 months (so not having a day off throughout entire pregnancy and the job is a carer so there’s probably a point I won’t be able to physically do it). I think that’s pushing me too far and I’m going to need my rest, I’m already getting symptoms that are interfering with the day. So realistically that wouldn’t happen. If I got a lodger for 6 months it would cover half of the short fall. I’m scrambling to try and get carpets and furniture so I can get someone in ASAP, but also need lounge finishing as you can’t expect someone to pay for a house with no lounge!! Probably another month carpet dependant

Sent you a PM op

You sound like you have a sound plan! Hope things work out, they usually do... remember nothing worth having is easy! Take care xx

In terms of minimising costs, you can get most things much cheaper on Facebook marketplace, and whilst it's nice to get things like a baby's room sorted, the likelihood is that they will be in with you for quite a while, and can be if necessary for a lot longer.

Childcare is expensive, but baby things can be as expensive or cheap as you like.

@Coldwinterahead1 Thankyou

@Littlepaws18 I have a plan of sorts- but you know what they say about best laid plans 😂 Thankyou though very much for the well wishes

@Mysteryamazonian I think I’ll be living on Facebook marketplace from now on! And I know what you mean about childcare costs, it’s about £800 a month What would be ideal (but maybe optimistic) is if I met some local new mums who would be interested in arranging “sleep overs”, so they have my baby (1 year plus) one night when I’m on a night shift, and I have theirs another night to give them a break. I have ideas but it’s whether or not they happen

[quote Firegirl35]@Coldwinterahead1 Thankyou

@Littlepaws18 I have a plan of sorts- but you know what they say about best laid plans 😂 Thankyou though very much for the well wishes

@Mysteryamazonian I think I’ll be living on Facebook marketplace from now on! And I know what you mean about childcare costs, it’s about £800 a month What would be ideal (but maybe optimistic) is if I met some local new mums who would be interested in arranging “sleep overs”, so they have my baby (1 year plus) one night when I’m on a night shift, and I have theirs another night to give them a break. I have ideas but it’s whether or not they happen [/quote]
You're recommended to sleep with your baby in the room until they're 6 months old, so sleepovers probably wouldn't work. Also babies tend to have trouble sleeping, I don't think you would find any takers.

If someone had asked me to have their one year old in addition to my one year old one night a week I would have had kittens tbh

Reciprocal childcare is definitely a thing, but in my experience intends to develop a bit later - not because of the age of the children so much, but because friendships between adults become deeper, small children start becoming friends and it goes from there.

It may be that if you become close friends with other single parents that sleepover swaps become viable sooner - especially as you'll be taking your turn to have theirs, but I wouldn't rely on it for some time.

Yeah ok, Thankyou I had only thought from age 1 instead of a nanny, but that makes perfect sense what you say about having time to develop connection with the parent and between the babies. Guess only if another desperate single local mum comes my way!! 😂

There are Facebook groups (in my local area at least) for single mums, so you may be able to make some friends in a similar situation.

Hi OP, I just wanted to chip in having read your thread, to say good luck.

Also, I don't know if it's been said but I really do think you would benefit from some psychotherapy before your baby arrives. And your baby would benefit also. Your track record and pattern of abusive relationships plus your relationship with your mother could be the mirror image of my life, so there's no judgement from me whatsoever. I was 36 when I finally had proper therapy and sorted myself out. I learnt so much and from that day on I was able to form healthy relationships for the first time in my life, I met my husband and had a baby aged 39.

I believe without that therapy I would have ended up unwittingly teaching my child to think like the old me, and she would have grown up with few boundaries and not being able to listen to her gut instinct or trust herself, or spot narcs! Instead I am raising her with healthy boundaries (which my mother never instilled in me). And it sounds like you are in that place. So I do urge you to seek out therapy. You can get a GP referral and if there is nothing available in your area Google low-cost therapy. I had sessions online for £5 a week for a year and it transformed my life and happiness.

Thanks @APerfectSpy, I already asked my workplace to refer me to counselling as I thought I would need it either way..I can’t afford to pay but this way would be covered. I’ve had it before for three months to get over and keep safe from the toxic narc, and it was useful at the time and empowering... I imagine motherhood will throw up a lot of wobbles and insecurities- am I good enough, am I doing it right? And so counselling through that might help too

There are ways of working it. There are some single-parent house shares

My friend has a job that involves random night call outs. She became a single parent when her dc were little and managed childcare by having a lodger-friend who paid her cut price rent in return for doing occasional overnight childcare duties when friend was called out.

The lodger-friend was a teacher (so fully DBS checked etc). She benefited from a cut price home in a pricey area. My friend benefitted from a bit of rent plus having her emergency childcare 'living in' so no night late hand overs.

It worked for them all.

That’s actually a really smart idea @Haffdonga. I would be extremely Lucky if I got someone to agree to this, but I guess it’s not totally beyond the realms of possibility. It would only be 5-6 night shifts a month. I would really need/like someone to stay in the house rather than have baby go elsewhere especially when young, so when looking for a lodger I will bear that in mind. Someone k know got Very lucky with a lodger, got someone whilst she was pregnant, her partner left her pregnant but the lodger stayed for three years, became her best friend and like an auntie figure. So lucky!

It goes without saying that any arrangement like that would need an incredibly careful vetting process, a cast-iron contract and probably the diplomacy skills of the United Nations.

😂😂😂

I've just read your whole thread, you sound like a lovely woman OP and you are going to be a wonderful loving mother :)

I understand how trapped the need for a parents approval can be. It's an absolute revolution to realise that you really don't need their approval to live your life, a breath of fresh air truly. But it sounds like your parents are already starting to accept the situation.

I'm truly sorry for the pain from your past with your last abortion. But the roads you have taken have lead you here and you sound more than capable of dealing with your situation

Sorry that should say, how trapped it can make you feel*

Hi OP

Just want to add my personal situ. I got pregnant very fast in a relationship and I kept it hidden from everyone until 36 weeks at least. I didnt speak about my pregnancy and felt disengaged all way through as was pretending I was not. As soon as she was born it changed. I was her mum and that was that. Everything fell into place. Its been hard but she binded everything together. Its been more good than bad. X

@Nonamesavail what happened to your relationship? Thankyou for sharing

We are together and it has absolutely been worth it. I had to remember that no one else had a right to tell me what to do and it would be ok. Honestly she is 4 now and I think the world of her. Cant imagine anything but life with her. You can have a lovely chance here. Put everyone aside and put you first x