36 in June, pregnant with 1st after 5 months with OH who doesn’t want it

[Firegirl35]

Hi girls I’ve been reading and lurking but really need to share my situation for some advice..

I’m 35, no children and have found out I’m pregnant. I’ve been with the father just 5 months, we have had a rushed relationship as first date in July and then I moved in 2 weeks later mainly due to my house purchase falling through... I’ve now bought a house that needs some work doing and am currently still living with him.

He’s 37, has a 6 year old daughter and 8 year old son from a previous LTR which he was devastated ended in her having an affair, telling him she didn’t love him anymore and tearing the family apart. He took it hard as he was the same age as his son when the same thing happened to him. When we first got together he said he’s not against having more kids ‘one day’. His mum went on to remarry and have a baby when she was 42, so he is open to it, but also he seems to think age isn’t really a barrier.

We have the kids exactly half the week (so he doesn’t pay ex maintenance), and things have been great until a few weeks ago when his son started having sickness and anxiety at meal times.. he’s asked his dad why he’s not with mummy and even said he doesn’t want Christmas. I don’t know if going between two houses is upsetting for them, but the ex has suggested she has them more. He’s dead against this, he wants to see them more, and he also doesn’t trust that if he gave her maintenance it would actually be spent on the kids. I’m not sure if he’s controlling her with this. I have no relationship with her whatsoever, she seems a bit threatened by the bond I have with her children but I think she’s coming round. The whole situation is new and they are still figuring it out a bit.

Anyway, I tested positive for covid on Nov 30th. I’m a firefighter and once the two weeks isolation ended I still felt very ill with symptoms like fatigue and sickness that weren’t going away... so I got signed off work another 2 weeks. I tried to get anti sickness tablets prescribed, and was asked if I could be pregnant. I took 3 tests which all came back positive and it was confirmed by an out of hours GP an hour later..

I was in total shock and couldn’t stop shaking for hours. I called a male friend who has been very supportive, and I registered with a maternity unit as I wanted an early scan to date me... I think I got pregnant when I was ill, as I stopped taking the pill but we did have sex once. The week before that though I was fatigued, so I don’t know. I have ended up contacting Marie curie for a scan as I knew I could get in there quick, and they booked me in for Xmas eve. We left early but the motorway was closed and the diversion made us late for the appointment, so they wouldn’t see me :(

I told my partner a few days ago, and his reaction was “for fcuk sake”. Then “what are you going to do?” He’s since made it very clear to me in several heartfelt conversations how he feels about it all, that it was wrong as it was a very bad time, he’s still getting his head around the situation he’s in and the fall out from it, the kids aren’t totally settled yet (more his son), and he always swore that if he had kids again it would be when everything was totally right as he wouldn’t want to bring another “broken person” into the world as he puts it. He said that everyone else would think the same, and that it’s just a pill. His ex terminated their third which he was against at the time but thinks they would struggle to cope as they would have had two young ones.. His opinion of abortions now is that they are fine, as she was fine with having the medical one. And he says he’s glad as that’s one less kid he would have messed up. He tells me it wouldn’t work as he knows he’s not ready for another baby now, that it’s Horrific and you need to be rock solid. I think he believes that I will 99% get rid of it, after a frosty day or so we’ve been getting on better even making jokes, but that’s because he thinks I’m definitely having an abortion. If I say something against that, then it’s “I don’t want to argue” “we keep going over it” or “it’s doing my head in”

For me-
I had a surgical abortion at 7 weeks when I was 24. I had only been with the guy 4 months and he lived 200 miles away, he was fairly happy and we were going to keep it but I was scared as I was young, living in a flat with a girlfriend, suffering badly with an eating disorder, and extreme sickness. I told my parents and my mum went mental, made me feel stupid and like a kid and that it was a mistake and I wouldn’t cope. So I ended up going to a clinic, coming away as I couldn’t do it, facing the wrath from my mum and going back to have it. It fcuked me up for years, I went through phases of being completely obsessed with babies to deciding I wanted absolutely nothing to do with them (then my decision was justified). I moved to be with my partner, secretly hated my mum for two years it took me to forgive her in my head. I was with my partner for 8 years, so it would have probably worked out and we only split when I decided to become a firefighter and he didn’t want to move away again.

I told myself at the time of the abortion that I would never do that again. But also as I’ve got older I’ve seen the rough side of life with kids so have a realistic view which makes me appreciate time I’ve had single/free. I know babies/families are hard work, but I see myself with one in the future. (Near or distant not sure). It’s really hard being a step mum/friend figure to my OHs two , and makes me want my own. I missed out on the baby stage and toddlers... ill also never be the one they want when they’re ill, and mums Xmas dinner trumps ours, they want to stay at mums Xmas eve etc... the mum always wins. It hurts. I feel like I love them like my own but I don’t get them if that makes sense, and it makes the pain of not having my own more. I thought before I got pregnant, if it doesn’t work out with me and OH (haven’t been happy with his behaviour- he’s quite lazy, dirty etc round the house, doesn’t pay me compliments, and he’s only an ok dad, he does provide and cook for them and they don’t go without much, but he’d be happy to have DS in a dirty jumper, and sometimes I think he interacts with the dog more than he does me/the kids! Both his other two were unplanned when ex was on the pill, but I think he thinks she planned it , and it’s possible he thinks that now although I have told him I forgot the pill as I was so ill with covid (the sex was consensual btw, no forced sex).

I’m stuck because my heart wants the baby, but I know logically and sensibly it’s not the right time at all. OH said he wants to enjoy life with me more first- go on a holiday together, get each of our houses sorted, have the kids see our relationship develop before bringing a baby into it. But I’m the one who would have to live with it afterwards. And I’ll be 36 when the baby is born, what if this is my last chance? I can get my house completed in a few months so that will be straight, and although my parents live 200 miles away they miss me and both retired last year so I think they would move down into the 2nd bedroom, if I had to do it alone and we split up. I’ve not told them because of the drama of last time, and don’t want either to tell me to abort because we’ve not been together long. I wanted to make my own mind up and tell them at 3 months when they would have to accept it. My dad is turning 70 in April and my mum 65, this would be their first grandchild and I worked out I would be able to tell them the gender for their birthdays. My girlfriends are supportive of me whatever I decide. I’m the first in our small group to be pregnant and they are all single. I keep thinking, if I abort and we split up down the line, it might be too late to find someone and have a baby with them. On the other hand, if I don’t abort and we split up, at least I’ve got my baby/family and I won’t be too old to find someone new to have a relationship with. If they had kids too I wouldn’t feel like I’m missing out if I didn’t have one as I would have one. But also, I fell pregnant after one incident when 24, and probably only a few now, so if I waited to see if this is the right person, and build up more foundation with him it might not be too late, however I’ll never know.

This is the most difficult decision. I have an appointment at Marie stopes on the 29th for everything- due to them not seeing me on 24th- a scan, medical questionnaire, counselling and the procedure itself if I want to go through with it then. If I don’t I have to wait till 7th jan.
I’m so torn :( Any advice or insights would be much appreciated Thankyou so much

I agree with you @Littlepaws18. Don’t stop contributing on MN your opinion and experiences are valuable

You write as if you are a 16 year old girl.

You're a 35 year old woman.

You have allowed this situation to occur, and also to escalate. You can't now hide in your room crying because you don't know what to do, waiting for your parents to come up and cuddle you and speak nicely to you.

I don't understand why you are having all these heated discussions with people who have no agency over your body and why you are not allowing your inner voice to guide you.

I cannot imagine my existing parent having any influence whatsoever over whether I continue a pregnancy, the whole idea feels incredibly strange to me. Really off in a way I can't put my finger on.

Babies bring stress and hard work but it is amazing having a child and you might not have another chance. I think it is very unfair that you have a lot of outside pressure on you trying to make you decide one way. Go for a long walk, on your own and really think it through. If needs be talk out loud to yourself!

I understand the situation with the ex required you getting family support but why the hell did you tell your parents you're pregnant? That's so strange to me. I wouldn't ring my dad now if I got pregnant and say 'Hey, I'm pregnant but I dunno what I'm doing yet' because I'm a grown woman.

Just read back and seen your Dad owns your house with you.

Figures.

You don't need their permission to become a mum sweetheart. It's genuinely none of their business.

You’ve had lots of excellent advice here, however you need to remember that if you continue with this pregnancy yiu will always have this ex and his family in your life. He is also the sort of man that feels no compunction with allowing woman to enter his children’s life’s after just a few months, before then leaving them, which would be incredibly destabilising for any child.
If yiu continue with this pregnancy, you leave almost no space for finding someone that could be a life partner, and having a family with that person.
I know this is incredibly hard decision, but just because yiu feel your parents have steam-rollered you in the past, doesn’t mean that they’re not making really good points right now.
I do sometimes think that a lot of these comments on pregnancy choice threads can have a very anti-abortion tone.

Gosh, you have a lot to think about. However, a child is the most wonderful gift and yours is not a hypothetical thing, it's already been created. You sound to me as though you want to keep the baby, you just cant get your head round the practicalities.
I got pregnant at 17, my Dad was very unhappy but as soon as the baby (Dd1) arrived he was in love. My parents have been very supportive to me over the years despite initially feeling disappointed really. My circumstances at the time were less than ideal. DD1's father wasn't interested and has never met her - she is now in her late 20's. I spent quite a few years as a single parent but eventually met dh and we married and now have a child together (Dd2).
Its really hard to imagine the future, and ultimately no-one knows what will happen but this child exists, your ex DP sounds less than ideal but has even said he will work something out with you. Your parents sound a bit mixed up but ultimately they may be willing to help in some ways. They sound as though they are trying to help in a way but things are not easy. Are they in a position to give you any financial help if necessary?
You have doubts, take some time for yourself, make a list of pros and cons but ultimately what is your gut telling you? Your heart not just your head? There is a lot of help 'out there' for single parents and when you have a baby it's an easy way to meet people, make friends and enlarge your social and support network.

Oh and regarding the fertility aspects, you were lucky and got pregnant easily this time but the future in that regard is uncertain. On a personal note, I got pregnant with Dd2 very easily. However then we when we tried a year later for another we were unable to make more babies. I was 36 when I had her, but we had secondary infertility subsequently and were unable to have more children. So you never know.... If you abort this baby you risk not being able to have a child of your own naturally.

OP, I've just caught up with the events from the last day or so. Wow, your parents are really messing with your head. Your dad is projecting and your mum is controlling. Why do they infantilise you so much?

The ex is feeding you poison. How do you know what his family have said, apart from what he has told you? Don't believe a word he says. He is a manipulative prick. And why hasn't he apologised for abusing you? So much so that a professional called the police. Why is that your fault? His harassing behaviour is his own responsibility.

I really feel you do need some space to think. Away from all the pressuring by people with their own agendas. Your parents should be happy for you. A grandchild is a wonderful gift, not a burden or a worry. They need to support you in your decision, not guilt you or scare you into doing what they want.

Have you downloaded the Freedom Programme book yet? Do it now. It will open your eyes to your parents and your ex. And give you some strength to stand up to them in a calm and measured way.

@BigSkyLife What a load of utter bollocks.

If yiu continue with this pregnancy, you leave almost no space for finding someone that could be a life partner, and having a family with that person

But if she gets rid then how long before finding someone anyway.

We are in a worldwide pandemic.
I doubt we will be out of it this year. I doubt there is going to be any dating and going out for coffee or meals out until next summer by which time even if we are fully out of this pandemic and op is over the abortion you are looking at meeting someone and spending time to get to know them and being pregnant in your 40s if you are lucky.
Don’t forget the last abortion in Firegirl35’s own word It fcuked me up for years
It could take so long to get over that there might never be a life partner to have a family with

Taken from your op Firegirl35

I told my parents and my mum went mental, made me feel stupid and like a kid and that it was a mistake and I wouldn’t cope

This all has a familiar ring to it.

If history is repeating itself then remember what happened to you and how many years it took you to get over.

I am not anti abortion if it is the woman’s choice but this is looking more and more like it is her parents choice or her ex’s choice.

You asked Firegirl35 how my friend met her dh at 7 months pregnant.
He worked at the hospital where she went for her appointments to monitor her pregnancy. She used to see him when she went in. He worked in a department near where she had to wait. It went from a quick Hi to an occasional quick chat and she eventually asked him out for coffee. She really fancied him and she felt a connection but thought it might at the most lead to a friendship. But then it developed from there.

I have finally caught up on this and have to agree that I think your parents are projecting their wants on you. Just as your dad didnt want kids, it doesn't mean you cannot or shouldn't want, or even have to feel the same as he did back than. Just to help you I will post about two friends.

First friend grew up with her mum telling her not to have kids as they ruin your life! You have no money, time to yourself. She went on to have kids and is loving it... they are older now and she has time to do what she wants and is meeting people.

Second friend had a son and has raised him all on her own. She doesn't earn a lot (£25k max) but she managed and she feels so strong for doing it. She is now back to dating and has some me time too.

To your dads comment about affording kids... if everyone waited for that, then no one would have kids.

You need to ask them to now step back after telling your their piece so you can make your own mind up. Only you know if you will regret this.

Good luck OP. Do what is best for you, and you alone!

@Littlepaws18

I haven't got the foggiest who she is quit it with the espionage. I write from the heart and experience just like the rest of you. That's one huge problem with mumsnet. A different opinion is clearly a wrong one, mob rule is no help- but good advice is!

And op you know what you think and feel about the situation we can only offer guidance on what you have typed.

I have given you mine in good faith and it's up to you whether you follow it or disregard it.

But I have to say I won't be sharing my issues on here anytime soon seeing some of the advice given. It's shocking what lack of empathy some people have.

i do agree , iv got to be honest if this was my now 12 yr old daughter fast fastforworded to this position iv got to be honest and say id be worried sick as well and having had years of terrible interferance from my ex her da until hed lost interest i also would know what shes potentially in for . i cannot say that i would not be trying to influence her choice as id be lying . im fairly new to mumsnet bit im certainly seeing what you meant about the mob rules maybe not on here so much ,but the covid vaccine threads are summit else . im not sure if some of the posts are actually written by grown up mums or their 13 year old bullying kids , its really shocking and i think frightening , no wonder i prefer animals to humans

@chaosrabbitland

Fast forwarding can you imaging putting so much pressure on your daughter that you outright say you will disown her if she doesn't get an abortion?

That you cut off financial support if she doesn't have an abortion?

That you tell total strangers that she can't do anything?

You insist on painting her house even though she says no, and then when she asks you to leave because of it, the relationship is strained for months?

Just as a few examples?
Is this the sort of relationship you envisage having with your daughter when older?

iv got to be honest if this was my now 12 yr old daughter fast fastforworded to this position iv got to be honest and say id be worried sick as well and having had years of terrible interferance from my ex her da until hed lost interest i also would know what shes potentially in for . i cannot say that i would not be trying to influence her choice as id be lying

So you would be influencing your 35, nearly 36 year old daughter a second time to have an abortion knowing that it would more than likely screw her up so badly that she might never have children just because you didn’t want her to deal with her ex because your ex was an a**hole who disappeared from the scene after a few years anyway.

Are there other decisions you won’t let your daughter have without your input.

I think everyone has very different experiences of family and involvement. From what you have typed op, you seem to have similar parents to my own. My mother constantly worried about me and they do over invest in me. My mother in law is exactly the same! And despite feeling stifled at times and we don't always agree I know their advice comes from my best interests at heart. I do argue with them but I would never break contact. When I had my abortion I kept it very quiet, I was broken emotionally and physically it takes a lot out of you. My mom was my rock at this time.

Whatever you decide op, you need support and I think you recognise that.

Also not every situation results in people bring toxic, we are complex creatures we make both terrible and good decisions. Your ex isn't Satan neither are your parents. They just have differing priorities and you have to make sure the people around you have your best interests at heart.

Littlepaws18

You had an abortion. Did you want the baby but your Mother said no or was it your choice to have an abortion.
You can worry about someone but they are not you and unless you think about their personality and what they want you aren’t really giving advice you are just saying

If I were you

But you aren’t them.

I worry about my children but I would never dream of telling them what to do as an adult unless it put them in physical danger or I thought they were being scammed
It is their life. I can only teach them to think for themselves.

Again couldn't disagree more. Yes her mother has voiced her opinion. But that's all it is an opinion. And yes I would voice my opinion with my own child when she is an adult. But I would support her decision. And op mom has done that.

@Littlepaws18

She's threatened to disown her. Told her she'd cut off financial support. Driven her daughter repeatedly to tears. They've told her she's useless.

It's quite nasty verbal bullying. If you truly think that is the behaviour of a loving parent, then for any of your children's sales, I hope you reassess your view when they get older.

@Bythemillpond

iv got to be honest if this was my now 12 yr old daughter fast fastforworded to this position iv got to be honest and say id be worried sick as well and having had years of terrible interferance from my ex her da until hed lost interest i also would know what shes potentially in for . i cannot say that i would not be trying to influence her choice as id be lying

So you would be influencing your 35, nearly 36 year old daughter a second time to have an abortion knowing that it would more than likely screw her up so badly that she might never have children just because you didn’t want her to deal with her ex because your ex was an a**hole who disappeared from the scene after a few years anyway.

Are there other decisions you won’t let your daughter have without your input.

actually luv it was more than a few years , it was 11 infact and nearly drove me to suicide at times , and yes the whole point of being a parent is that you have input and that does not end even when they get to be adults , you sure dont read much or know a lot about how life works do you dear ? and i expect if the ops parents were washing their hands of it and told her to just get on with whatever she wanted to do it was none of their business it would be muppets like you slamming them for being cold ,uncaring and self absorbed

[quote Mysteryamazonian]@chaosrabbitland

Fast forwarding can you imaging putting so much pressure on your daughter that you outright say you will disown her if she doesn't get an abortion?

That you cut off financial support if she doesn't have an abortion?

That you tell total strangers that she can't do anything?

You insist on painting her house even though she says no, and then when she asks you to leave because of it, the relationship is strained for months?

Just as a few examples?
Is this the sort of relationship you envisage having with your daughter when older?[/quote]
to be fair im starting to feel on this thread like im watching a trial with only one side of the story . parents are painted pretty black yet we are left with not knowing why they might be acting , saying the things they do , if other ppl want to just believe and never question anything thats up to them .but im starting to feel there is more to it than they just like this and we are supposed to think they are just screwed up with all their own issues and thats it end of story . iv not replied back anymore as i dont feel its down to me to really tell a stranger to have an abortion or to keep . but the fact is and please correct me if im wrong as i havent had time to read all latest messages is that despite op situation with ex having gotten more rocky than before , she is still no nearer to deciding what shes going to do than at the start of the post and i honestly can feel the parents worry if nothing else i must be the only fucker on here that can though as everybody else seems to hate them , and finally to answer your question . no it isnt , but il be honest if i found myself having to actually utter those words then i will know something has gone very wrong somewhere along the way

@chaosrabbitland

You say you haven't read the latest posts - I'm assuming you've read most of the OPs posts though, where she's currently got her parents staying with her, she's hidden in her room crying etc? How far did you get?

I hope today has been easier OP

Just one thought, there are so many remote working jobs available now, you could get something part time to get some more money in now, and again when the baby is here. Where there’s a will there’s a way.

How close is your house compared to your exes? Is there a risk of you bumping into him once the baby arrives? If not I would be really tempted to cut all contact because he’s making you feel worse. You need a clear head now not one filled with rubbish

Hi everyone, really really didn’t want this thread to dissend into any kind of disagreements although I know it’s an emotive topic and people have their own opinions and experiences which are valid and they are entitled to. Fwiw, I’m not saying that my parents are fundamentally abusive or anything like that, I think they could have handled the situation better, but then again so could I, and I know their actions/words are borne of love and not for any malice. As misguided as they can seem, i do know they have my best interests at heart, which makes it harder to “go against” them as generally speaking I trust their opinions, and I do want their approval despite being 35 years old. If they disapproved of my choice of life partner/husband that would also be a bit upsetting. What that boils down to for me as to why, that could probably be psychoanalysed till the cows come home!

Today I’ve done a lot of research on washing machines and got one ordered, and I had a bit (lot) of good news as I worked out the entitledto again, I already had but wanted to double check my figures and I’ve made a big mistake! I thought I was entitled to £165 per month and it’s not, it’s £165 per week. This is a game changer for me and means financially it is actually do-able.

I’m letting this sit with me but it’s made me more excited

[quote Mysteryamazonian]@chaosrabbitland

You say you haven't read the latest posts - I'm assuming you've read most of the OPs posts though, where she's currently got her parents staying with her, she's hidden in her room crying etc? How far did you get?[/quote]
not to far im afraid , another poster has commented on here that op is acting like a 16 year old rather than a 36 year old , which is a bit harsh i grant given thats shes got a major dilemma , but there does seem to be an element of being rather vulnerable and i get the feeling she might be like this anyway as in before all this , maybe if and i say if i dont know her at all , all we know is what we are reading , but if this is the case might it be a reason at least in part for parents rather controlling , behaviour and odd things they say ? maybe if her father has said oh she cant do anything maybe in the past they have had to take on a lot or do a lot for her that they in their minds feel she should be capable of herself , i mean who knows , anyway i hope she will be able to decide what she wants to do and that it works out ok for her either way . which ever way it is will i think not be easy , one will have regret and sadness and the other possible aggro but i do hope it works out for her ok if she decides to keep .