36 in June, pregnant with 1st after 5 months with OH who doesn’t want it

[Firegirl35]

Hi girls I’ve been reading and lurking but really need to share my situation for some advice..

I’m 35, no children and have found out I’m pregnant. I’ve been with the father just 5 months, we have had a rushed relationship as first date in July and then I moved in 2 weeks later mainly due to my house purchase falling through... I’ve now bought a house that needs some work doing and am currently still living with him.

He’s 37, has a 6 year old daughter and 8 year old son from a previous LTR which he was devastated ended in her having an affair, telling him she didn’t love him anymore and tearing the family apart. He took it hard as he was the same age as his son when the same thing happened to him. When we first got together he said he’s not against having more kids ‘one day’. His mum went on to remarry and have a baby when she was 42, so he is open to it, but also he seems to think age isn’t really a barrier.

We have the kids exactly half the week (so he doesn’t pay ex maintenance), and things have been great until a few weeks ago when his son started having sickness and anxiety at meal times.. he’s asked his dad why he’s not with mummy and even said he doesn’t want Christmas. I don’t know if going between two houses is upsetting for them, but the ex has suggested she has them more. He’s dead against this, he wants to see them more, and he also doesn’t trust that if he gave her maintenance it would actually be spent on the kids. I’m not sure if he’s controlling her with this. I have no relationship with her whatsoever, she seems a bit threatened by the bond I have with her children but I think she’s coming round. The whole situation is new and they are still figuring it out a bit.

Anyway, I tested positive for covid on Nov 30th. I’m a firefighter and once the two weeks isolation ended I still felt very ill with symptoms like fatigue and sickness that weren’t going away... so I got signed off work another 2 weeks. I tried to get anti sickness tablets prescribed, and was asked if I could be pregnant. I took 3 tests which all came back positive and it was confirmed by an out of hours GP an hour later..

I was in total shock and couldn’t stop shaking for hours. I called a male friend who has been very supportive, and I registered with a maternity unit as I wanted an early scan to date me... I think I got pregnant when I was ill, as I stopped taking the pill but we did have sex once. The week before that though I was fatigued, so I don’t know. I have ended up contacting Marie curie for a scan as I knew I could get in there quick, and they booked me in for Xmas eve. We left early but the motorway was closed and the diversion made us late for the appointment, so they wouldn’t see me :(

I told my partner a few days ago, and his reaction was “for fcuk sake”. Then “what are you going to do?” He’s since made it very clear to me in several heartfelt conversations how he feels about it all, that it was wrong as it was a very bad time, he’s still getting his head around the situation he’s in and the fall out from it, the kids aren’t totally settled yet (more his son), and he always swore that if he had kids again it would be when everything was totally right as he wouldn’t want to bring another “broken person” into the world as he puts it. He said that everyone else would think the same, and that it’s just a pill. His ex terminated their third which he was against at the time but thinks they would struggle to cope as they would have had two young ones.. His opinion of abortions now is that they are fine, as she was fine with having the medical one. And he says he’s glad as that’s one less kid he would have messed up. He tells me it wouldn’t work as he knows he’s not ready for another baby now, that it’s Horrific and you need to be rock solid. I think he believes that I will 99% get rid of it, after a frosty day or so we’ve been getting on better even making jokes, but that’s because he thinks I’m definitely having an abortion. If I say something against that, then it’s “I don’t want to argue” “we keep going over it” or “it’s doing my head in”

For me-
I had a surgical abortion at 7 weeks when I was 24. I had only been with the guy 4 months and he lived 200 miles away, he was fairly happy and we were going to keep it but I was scared as I was young, living in a flat with a girlfriend, suffering badly with an eating disorder, and extreme sickness. I told my parents and my mum went mental, made me feel stupid and like a kid and that it was a mistake and I wouldn’t cope. So I ended up going to a clinic, coming away as I couldn’t do it, facing the wrath from my mum and going back to have it. It fcuked me up for years, I went through phases of being completely obsessed with babies to deciding I wanted absolutely nothing to do with them (then my decision was justified). I moved to be with my partner, secretly hated my mum for two years it took me to forgive her in my head. I was with my partner for 8 years, so it would have probably worked out and we only split when I decided to become a firefighter and he didn’t want to move away again.

I told myself at the time of the abortion that I would never do that again. But also as I’ve got older I’ve seen the rough side of life with kids so have a realistic view which makes me appreciate time I’ve had single/free. I know babies/families are hard work, but I see myself with one in the future. (Near or distant not sure). It’s really hard being a step mum/friend figure to my OHs two , and makes me want my own. I missed out on the baby stage and toddlers... ill also never be the one they want when they’re ill, and mums Xmas dinner trumps ours, they want to stay at mums Xmas eve etc... the mum always wins. It hurts. I feel like I love them like my own but I don’t get them if that makes sense, and it makes the pain of not having my own more. I thought before I got pregnant, if it doesn’t work out with me and OH (haven’t been happy with his behaviour- he’s quite lazy, dirty etc round the house, doesn’t pay me compliments, and he’s only an ok dad, he does provide and cook for them and they don’t go without much, but he’d be happy to have DS in a dirty jumper, and sometimes I think he interacts with the dog more than he does me/the kids! Both his other two were unplanned when ex was on the pill, but I think he thinks she planned it , and it’s possible he thinks that now although I have told him I forgot the pill as I was so ill with covid (the sex was consensual btw, no forced sex).

I’m stuck because my heart wants the baby, but I know logically and sensibly it’s not the right time at all. OH said he wants to enjoy life with me more first- go on a holiday together, get each of our houses sorted, have the kids see our relationship develop before bringing a baby into it. But I’m the one who would have to live with it afterwards. And I’ll be 36 when the baby is born, what if this is my last chance? I can get my house completed in a few months so that will be straight, and although my parents live 200 miles away they miss me and both retired last year so I think they would move down into the 2nd bedroom, if I had to do it alone and we split up. I’ve not told them because of the drama of last time, and don’t want either to tell me to abort because we’ve not been together long. I wanted to make my own mind up and tell them at 3 months when they would have to accept it. My dad is turning 70 in April and my mum 65, this would be their first grandchild and I worked out I would be able to tell them the gender for their birthdays. My girlfriends are supportive of me whatever I decide. I’m the first in our small group to be pregnant and they are all single. I keep thinking, if I abort and we split up down the line, it might be too late to find someone and have a baby with them. On the other hand, if I don’t abort and we split up, at least I’ve got my baby/family and I won’t be too old to find someone new to have a relationship with. If they had kids too I wouldn’t feel like I’m missing out if I didn’t have one as I would have one. But also, I fell pregnant after one incident when 24, and probably only a few now, so if I waited to see if this is the right person, and build up more foundation with him it might not be too late, however I’ll never know.

This is the most difficult decision. I have an appointment at Marie stopes on the 29th for everything- due to them not seeing me on 24th- a scan, medical questionnaire, counselling and the procedure itself if I want to go through with it then. If I don’t I have to wait till 7th jan.
I’m so torn :( Any advice or insights would be much appreciated Thankyou so much

I always thought it was only my narcissist ex who was emotionally abusive towards me, but how I’m feeling now I’m seeing my parents in a different light and they’re breaking my heart 😭 What happened to unconditional love and support, and making my own decisions? Isn’t that what parents are meant to do? Not emotionally blackmail you and put so much pressure on -spoken and unspoken- that you feel there is no other way.

Ask them to leave.

You said the idea of your and baby was giving you a glimmer of happiness. Why not seize on that with all your strength. Ask them to leave and have a tiny family with your baby, until the right man comes along to share it with you.

I can't believe how they are treating you
You deserve better. But you don't need their emotional abiding support. You are stronger than you realise and can do this.

I don’t know how to do that without it causing a HUGE fall out

It sounds like you're still trapped in a co-dependent relationship, which isn't your fault if you have been always told that you can't/won't cope without your parents.

OP my mum died when I was 28. My dad then took up with someone else and suddenly I went from being pretty dependent on two parents to not having a parent to depend on.

The decision you are making right now has nothing whatsoever to do with your parents.

Going up to your room to cry is what a teenager would do. You have to face this like an adult. You have to tell them to leave you alone to make this decision.

@Firegirl35

I don’t know how to do that without it causing a HUGE fall out

There is no nice way of doing it. But you have to strap a pair on for a bit. I know it sucks.

Your latest posts are really hyperbolic. You're attributing all kinds of nasty ideas to your parents that they haven't said. And being really extreme in your views.

Your dad saying you can't rely on a budget that only balances if you have a lodger is not remotely the same as declaring you don't "deserve" to have a child or be happy! It's sensible to point that out when making financial plans. It doesn't mean he's ashamed of you or is hoping you spend your life miserable. I would say it's the opposite. he is trying to help you make the best decisions and best plans.

I can see you're hurting and I don't want to add to that. I do think that you need to take a breath and step back from the mind reading. Nobody has told you that you don't deserve happiness. Nobody has said they won't give a shit about your well being after the next week, month, year. Nobody has made the extreme declarations you've attributed to them. These are all things you've "mindread" based on your own fears and emotions and past trauma.

In the last few pages of your posts you sound like you're reacting to your previous trauma rather than what's happening in the present. It's understandable but needs addressing. Otherwise your distress will continue at these horribly high levels, you'll isolate yourself needlessly, and potentially make rash decisions that aren't right for you (about various things - your relationships as well as the pregnancy).

If my child was in your situation and in such distress, kicking off at me accusing me of suggesting she didn't deserve happiness and not caring about her, had just had the police involved because they were concerned about her safety, was pregnant with a man who's turned out to be very concerning, was in extreme emotional distress but also entertaining fantastical ideas about her finances and meeting Prince charming at 7 months pregnant, I too would be distressed and worried sick about her. Wouldn't you?

@Lemonpiano, I didn’t kick off in front of them, I was pretty silent and let them have their rants and just let it wash over me for the most part. I know that my dad only has my best interests at heart and is highlighting practical things that I need to think about, many of which I already had. I don’t have the same confidence in my mothers motivations. I am grieving on all sorts of levels and so yes I wanted to go upstairs and cry and feel that sadness in peace. It’s a private thing and not something I want anyone to witness, least of all my parents when things are so strained between us all. Maybe I was reacting to previous trauma, the trauma of having an abortion I didn’t want, again after intense pressure and disgusting things being said by my mum (she even said if I had the baby she’d disown me- something my then partner heard as I put her on loudspeaker I just needed someone else to witness the vileness of her words).
I’m not entertaining fantastical ideas about my finances, I’ve calculated all my incomings and outgoings, calculated child care costs, what benefits I’m entitled to, and what I could bring in with a lodger. And I am under no illusion of meeting “Prince Charming” at 7 months pregnant, I know I’ll most likely be single for years, and there ain’t no such thing as Prince Charming! Life isn’t a fairytale

Oh wow that escalated quickly. I think in your heart you never envisaged doing this on your own. In your mind your ex was always going to come back and fill your family unit. But he is a mess as well (of his own making) he is struggling with the family he has already got he was never ever ready to start a relationship with you because his home life with his family was not stable enough. He knew this and when you became pregnant he protected his own interests and didn't step up to help you.

As for his family, well they think what information he feeds them remember that. They don't know you and so their primary contact is him. As for the police incident it seems crazy, but he has not once said that his behaviour was unacceptable which clearly it was because his actions instigated someone else to judge him as aggressive. Whether you had a part to play I do not know. Either way it's not been addressed.

Now in all this your parents have been your guidance and strength. They have looked after you unwaveringly. Do not ruin this relationship by being pig headed and stubborn. Yes they may have decided they want you to have an abortion but it's for no other reason than they love the bones off you and don't want you to suffer. They still ring even though it's been heated they are still there. There advice has all been about you, your ex all his decisions has been about him.

Call you parents you need them they love you.

In the last few pages of my posts I was crying my eyes out, I probably shouldn’t have posted but was reaching out and I’m very grateful to you all as I don’t feel as alone.

I know my dad is very sensitive and asking them to give me space to make my decision on my own is likely to go down like a lead balloon, and then further damage the relationship. Last time he was here in October I think, I ended up asking them to go in a roundabout way somehow as they were getting too involved in the house, disagreeing with things I wanted to do (take coving and skirting down) and cracking on with things I hadn’t wanted (painting a room with paint he’d just ‘found’ in the garden). They both left pissed off and it’s taken two months and fraught communications between us for them to feel ok about coming again.

I know I sound pathetic, and I do need to “grow a pair”, it’s just knowing the consequences of that and how it leads to yet more tenseness between us

OMFG

Tell them to leave now.

You are being rail roaded into what they want and not what you want or need.

Tell them to Fuck Off now.

If everyone had an abortion if they did a spread sheet and found out they only had £50 left at the end of the month then only the very rich would ever have children.

We had Ds when both of us were unemployed. It was one of the times in life when we didn’t have a bean and had loads of debt. If we had waited till we had money and jobs we would have been childless.

Babies are as expensive as you make them and we have tax credits and child benefits and Child maintenance to help out.

Everything is about how your parents feel and not how you feel.

Don’t have an abortion out of anger. It will be you who has to live with this for the rest of your life. By the time you have got over this there won’t be time for another baby.

I think you need to get over this “family unit” fantasy.
It has never been real. You make your own family unit. Very few people have the fantasy family unit they dream of with Mummy and Daddy and 2 children living in the perfect home for ever more.

Your parents are way too involved in your adult life.

Next point abortion. I had an abortion because I had a baby already with a violent man who I had to leave and flee my home. My mother had a brain tumour and was being up my baby whilst I was working gruelling 13 hour days to look after us. I found out I was pregnant by a man who said sod off. I loved that baby to pieces but I couldn't care for that child and I would literally kill my mother if she had to look after it. That was the most painful decision of my life, I was 34.

I am 39 now have an amazing loving man who wants a baby with me, right time, right place, right finances but wrong body. I had had 3 miscarriages, I am now pregnant again but who knows if it will stick. Sometimes life throws hard lessons your way.

Your mom is right. There is no easy answer no right way, you need to decide by weighing up realistic options- I have this baby I have it alone, I can survive financially, I want this child or the alternative which is a perfectly understandable option. And again don't push your parents away they are your support and strength and believe me whatever you decide you need it.

@Bythemillpond

OMFG

Tell them to leave now.

You are being rail roaded into what they want and not what you want or need.

Tell them to Fuck Off now.

If everyone had an abortion if they did a spread sheet and found out they only had £50 left at the end of the month then only the very rich would ever have children.

We had Ds when both of us were unemployed. It was one of the times in life when we didn’t have a bean and had loads of debt. If we had waited till we had money and jobs we would have been childless.

Babies are as expensive as you make them and we have tax credits and child benefits and Child maintenance to help out.

Everything is about how your parents feel and not how you feel.

Don’t have an abortion out of anger. It will be you who has to live with this for the rest of your life. By the time you have got over this there won’t be time for another baby.

I think you need to get over this “family unit” fantasy.
It has never been real. You make your own family unit. Very few people have the fantasy family unit they dream of with Mummy and Daddy and 2 children living in the perfect home for ever more.

100% this. We had it all when I first got pregnant, both earned over £50k per annum. On paper we were perfect candidates to be parents. So we went for it.

Our son is disabled. Could happen to anyone. So DH works. I'm DS's carer. We now rely on disability benefits and carers benefits.

Wouldn't change any of it for the world, our son is incredible and our lives are better for him being in them.

I disagree completely with those who are telling you to feck your parents off. They have done nothing but care, care and care about you. You may not agree with their view now. But come on if you decided to have that child would they never see you again? Absolutely not they would support you because that's what loving parents do. And that's what you have by your own words. Re read when you spoke to your dad. Is that a action of a gold person no!

Your parents have you best interests at heart. Your ex has his.

“**the baby was the only thing that was giving me a glimmer of happiness “

You don’t want a termination. Have the baby.

This is a really hard situation OP but I think from what you’re saying the relationship with your parents is going to be strained (at best) which ever route you go down

Abortion or no abortion, it’s your choice. But you clearly want to keep the baby and are being swayed by other peoples opinions. I personally feel like the constant talking of negatives from them and your ex is like brain washing. No wonder you can’t think straight

Look at it this way. If the ex and your parents were out of your life tomorrow, would you be happy with just the baby or alone? Because from what you’re saying that’s the reality - so if you want the baby hang on to that glimmer of hope and set up your own family unit.

You don’t have to keep toxic people in your life...

Oh and just to add...I think you should ask them to leave

You need space to think through all your options without other people offering their own opinions. You can’t do this with them there

@Littlepaws18
These are not moving parents, they are emotionally abusive and year the op like a child.

Did you not read that it took 2 months to reissue the relationship because they tried to paint her house when the op said no.

Or where her dad has tond strangers that the OP can't do anything.

Where they have spent days bullying her into a termination that she doesn't want.

Where they've told her they will withhold financial support they are now giving her.

Where her mother has said they would disown her.

What a load of dangerous rubbish. They might be more invested than you might feel comfortable with but they have been there through out. I think about my daughter and what would I do if this happens and it will be with her throughout. What you are saying is for get to get rid of the one support she has! And yes it has hot very messy and rather than being neutral they have put guessed and opinion. But I'm in no doubt that if she decided to keep it they would support her 100%.

It's emotional it's got very emotional and heated. But it's not time for removing support. So no I don't agree with you.

I've already said a lot and I'm still reading but I don't want to be yet another person telling you my opinion OP. You should find some way to feel empowered and make your decision from that position of power and confidence. Right now everyone around you is doing the opposite of that and making you feel powerless like the only way you can assert yourself is to do what they want but in anger and then hate them for it.

Anyway all I really wanted to say is that I reckon at least one person on this thread defending your parents is one of your parents or your ex. They can see what you've been doing on your phone and once you find mumsnet it's a matter of seconds to find your thread, lots of details giving you away. X

How do I justify it? How do I not hate my parents?

What about this thought - you don't HAVE to justify your decision to anybody except yourself. Whatever you decide in the end this decision is yours alone and YOU will live with it for the rest of your life.

You will perhaps only hate your parents if you base your decision on their wishes not your own.

(And just by the by, you sound like you have sufficient income to be a single parent IF you choose to be one. Your parents seem to have a very out-dated attitude around finding a man to support you . I suspect however large your income your parents would still feel that it's not enough.)

I haven't got the foggiest who she is quit it with the espionage. I write from the heart and experience just like the rest of you. That's one huge problem with mumsnet. A different opinion is clearly a wrong one, mob rule is no help- but good advice is!

And op you know what you think and feel about the situation we can only offer guidance on what you have typed.

I have given you mine in good faith and it's up to you whether you follow it or disregard it.

But I have to say I won't be sharing my issues on here anytime soon seeing some of the advice given. It's shocking what lack of empathy some people have.

My parents do love me to bits and care about me, maybe they’ve helped me too much in life before now so they don’t know what I’m capable of or have faith. They worry about me making the “wrong” decision that I then can’t go back on..
But each of them (first mum then dad) have come in to me to quietly check on me and have a calm chat and hug. That’s what I needed, it’s what we all needed, not the big confrontation earlier. They’ve both said that they support whatever I decide and just want me to make the right decision for me and be confident in it. I learnt some things from my dad- that he’d always decided he wasn’t going to get married or have kids, but my mum got pregnant and so he proposed, she had a miscarriage but they ended up having two children after that. Maybe he doesn’t really want me to have kids as he hadn’t wanted them. I’m sure he thinks about how life could have been. And my mum didn’t work for years because she could rely on him, I’m almost certain that’s what she would want for me.

I also mentioned to my mum that I wasn’t sure if it was a good idea or not but maybe I needed to be alone now to make my own decision, and if I was on my own in the house I’d have a feel of what it will be like alone. She said dad had said the same thing, but also mentioned getting back for the 14th for a car MOT... If they’re going I think maybe go before that as I would want space to think, but if I did decide on an abortion on balance and informed mostly by finances, I would need someone to take me to Essex. I’ll end up having to ask my ex, there’s no one else.

On balance, I think maybe it better to let them stay

Thank you @Doughnut100