36 in June, pregnant with 1st after 5 months with OH who doesn’t want it

[Firegirl35]

Hi girls I’ve been reading and lurking but really need to share my situation for some advice..

I’m 35, no children and have found out I’m pregnant. I’ve been with the father just 5 months, we have had a rushed relationship as first date in July and then I moved in 2 weeks later mainly due to my house purchase falling through... I’ve now bought a house that needs some work doing and am currently still living with him.

He’s 37, has a 6 year old daughter and 8 year old son from a previous LTR which he was devastated ended in her having an affair, telling him she didn’t love him anymore and tearing the family apart. He took it hard as he was the same age as his son when the same thing happened to him. When we first got together he said he’s not against having more kids ‘one day’. His mum went on to remarry and have a baby when she was 42, so he is open to it, but also he seems to think age isn’t really a barrier.

We have the kids exactly half the week (so he doesn’t pay ex maintenance), and things have been great until a few weeks ago when his son started having sickness and anxiety at meal times.. he’s asked his dad why he’s not with mummy and even said he doesn’t want Christmas. I don’t know if going between two houses is upsetting for them, but the ex has suggested she has them more. He’s dead against this, he wants to see them more, and he also doesn’t trust that if he gave her maintenance it would actually be spent on the kids. I’m not sure if he’s controlling her with this. I have no relationship with her whatsoever, she seems a bit threatened by the bond I have with her children but I think she’s coming round. The whole situation is new and they are still figuring it out a bit.

Anyway, I tested positive for covid on Nov 30th. I’m a firefighter and once the two weeks isolation ended I still felt very ill with symptoms like fatigue and sickness that weren’t going away... so I got signed off work another 2 weeks. I tried to get anti sickness tablets prescribed, and was asked if I could be pregnant. I took 3 tests which all came back positive and it was confirmed by an out of hours GP an hour later..

I was in total shock and couldn’t stop shaking for hours. I called a male friend who has been very supportive, and I registered with a maternity unit as I wanted an early scan to date me... I think I got pregnant when I was ill, as I stopped taking the pill but we did have sex once. The week before that though I was fatigued, so I don’t know. I have ended up contacting Marie curie for a scan as I knew I could get in there quick, and they booked me in for Xmas eve. We left early but the motorway was closed and the diversion made us late for the appointment, so they wouldn’t see me :(

I told my partner a few days ago, and his reaction was “for fcuk sake”. Then “what are you going to do?” He’s since made it very clear to me in several heartfelt conversations how he feels about it all, that it was wrong as it was a very bad time, he’s still getting his head around the situation he’s in and the fall out from it, the kids aren’t totally settled yet (more his son), and he always swore that if he had kids again it would be when everything was totally right as he wouldn’t want to bring another “broken person” into the world as he puts it. He said that everyone else would think the same, and that it’s just a pill. His ex terminated their third which he was against at the time but thinks they would struggle to cope as they would have had two young ones.. His opinion of abortions now is that they are fine, as she was fine with having the medical one. And he says he’s glad as that’s one less kid he would have messed up. He tells me it wouldn’t work as he knows he’s not ready for another baby now, that it’s Horrific and you need to be rock solid. I think he believes that I will 99% get rid of it, after a frosty day or so we’ve been getting on better even making jokes, but that’s because he thinks I’m definitely having an abortion. If I say something against that, then it’s “I don’t want to argue” “we keep going over it” or “it’s doing my head in”

For me-
I had a surgical abortion at 7 weeks when I was 24. I had only been with the guy 4 months and he lived 200 miles away, he was fairly happy and we were going to keep it but I was scared as I was young, living in a flat with a girlfriend, suffering badly with an eating disorder, and extreme sickness. I told my parents and my mum went mental, made me feel stupid and like a kid and that it was a mistake and I wouldn’t cope. So I ended up going to a clinic, coming away as I couldn’t do it, facing the wrath from my mum and going back to have it. It fcuked me up for years, I went through phases of being completely obsessed with babies to deciding I wanted absolutely nothing to do with them (then my decision was justified). I moved to be with my partner, secretly hated my mum for two years it took me to forgive her in my head. I was with my partner for 8 years, so it would have probably worked out and we only split when I decided to become a firefighter and he didn’t want to move away again.

I told myself at the time of the abortion that I would never do that again. But also as I’ve got older I’ve seen the rough side of life with kids so have a realistic view which makes me appreciate time I’ve had single/free. I know babies/families are hard work, but I see myself with one in the future. (Near or distant not sure). It’s really hard being a step mum/friend figure to my OHs two , and makes me want my own. I missed out on the baby stage and toddlers... ill also never be the one they want when they’re ill, and mums Xmas dinner trumps ours, they want to stay at mums Xmas eve etc... the mum always wins. It hurts. I feel like I love them like my own but I don’t get them if that makes sense, and it makes the pain of not having my own more. I thought before I got pregnant, if it doesn’t work out with me and OH (haven’t been happy with his behaviour- he’s quite lazy, dirty etc round the house, doesn’t pay me compliments, and he’s only an ok dad, he does provide and cook for them and they don’t go without much, but he’d be happy to have DS in a dirty jumper, and sometimes I think he interacts with the dog more than he does me/the kids! Both his other two were unplanned when ex was on the pill, but I think he thinks she planned it , and it’s possible he thinks that now although I have told him I forgot the pill as I was so ill with covid (the sex was consensual btw, no forced sex).

I’m stuck because my heart wants the baby, but I know logically and sensibly it’s not the right time at all. OH said he wants to enjoy life with me more first- go on a holiday together, get each of our houses sorted, have the kids see our relationship develop before bringing a baby into it. But I’m the one who would have to live with it afterwards. And I’ll be 36 when the baby is born, what if this is my last chance? I can get my house completed in a few months so that will be straight, and although my parents live 200 miles away they miss me and both retired last year so I think they would move down into the 2nd bedroom, if I had to do it alone and we split up. I’ve not told them because of the drama of last time, and don’t want either to tell me to abort because we’ve not been together long. I wanted to make my own mind up and tell them at 3 months when they would have to accept it. My dad is turning 70 in April and my mum 65, this would be their first grandchild and I worked out I would be able to tell them the gender for their birthdays. My girlfriends are supportive of me whatever I decide. I’m the first in our small group to be pregnant and they are all single. I keep thinking, if I abort and we split up down the line, it might be too late to find someone and have a baby with them. On the other hand, if I don’t abort and we split up, at least I’ve got my baby/family and I won’t be too old to find someone new to have a relationship with. If they had kids too I wouldn’t feel like I’m missing out if I didn’t have one as I would have one. But also, I fell pregnant after one incident when 24, and probably only a few now, so if I waited to see if this is the right person, and build up more foundation with him it might not be too late, however I’ll never know.

This is the most difficult decision. I have an appointment at Marie stopes on the 29th for everything- due to them not seeing me on 24th- a scan, medical questionnaire, counselling and the procedure itself if I want to go through with it then. If I don’t I have to wait till 7th jan.
I’m so torn :( Any advice or insights would be much appreciated Thankyou so much

Just to add I think it is a common thing, even if you have a meticulously planned pregnancy to be shit scared and think you have done the wrong thing and have a major wobble in the first trimester.
I know on finding out I was pregnant I threw up in fear and panic and that panic stayed with me for weeks. All the negative remarks that I wouldn’t cope came flooding back and I should have been so happy but I was so sad. My head was all over the place.
I actually spent the rest of the pregnancy ignoring my ever growing bump. Then I gave birth and although I felt a huge responsibility towards Ds it wasn’t until he was about 6 weeks old. He looked at me and smiled and I suddenly felt this huge rush of love for him. To this day even if one of my children has gone out I have anxiety over where they are. They are adults now and I still have them tracked on my phone. They know I have a panic attack if I don’t know where they are I love them so much.

A lot of what you are feeling is normal.
If you have 2 sets of people constantly telling you in subtle ways that you are not able to cope or what you are going to give up is terrible or it is going to be awful for you on your own. Of course you are going to be having a huge wobble.

I think you do need to call out the Bull Shit.

When your parents said you will be walking with the baby on your own. You need to think this through to its natural conclusion.
Did your father not go to work. Did your mother only go out with you when he accompanied her. Your mother I would say didn’t the majority of time pushing you in a pram all on her own.
It is a ridiculous argument designed to make you feel bad.

New to this thread but I'm absolutely astounded at the involvement your parents have with this situation.

Would be worth removing yourself from parents and the father of your unborn child to have a long think about what you want.

Sounds like you're being completely crowded out.

Hi all, yes I’m being totally overwhelmed by the negativity “no one wants this baby, everyone thinks it’s a mistake” and my parents thinking I can’t cope.. my mum even just had the cheek to tell me that she does worry about me, and she thinks I can’t even look after myself. Her reason was that she’s helping me to unpack and finding sweet wrappers and sticky things in pockets and bags. Really? Let’s just assassinate my ability to live and take care of myself at 35 years old. We had a huge shouting argument the other day, where she said she thinks I hate her, I’ve never forgiven her, and that the normal day to day love that should be there from me isn’t, it’s only there at Xmas or if they are doing something for me but the rest of the time she thinks she irritates me and I think she’s thick. I can’t believe how much of themselves they are putting on me and my decision now, it’s toxic.

@Bythemillpond I guess you are right and it is normal to feel like that. I know it will be the hardest thing of my life and I probably can’t even comprehend it, but how everyone is being with me I feel ill be happier totally alone. Maybe more stressed but at least there would be no side digs from my baby

@Pinkychilla I hope that they would be more supportive once they knew that, I know they will be going back home in a couple of weeks and no doubt just worry about me constantly. I’m not a baby anymore. She’s tried from when I was 24 all the way up to 35 to make me feel like I’m incapable and can’t cope. God knows what will happen to us if I have it...

@Bythemillpond your first post absolutely made perfect sense to me, Thankyou it’s good to have a bit of clarity

I've been reading this thread but haven't really posted.
You keep saying how hard it will be for you to find someone and you'll be alone but I can assure you, that isn't the case. Especially once you're past your 30s. People are a lot more expecting of dating someone with a child and it isn't as difficult to date as a single parent as people are making it out to be.

I can guarantee your parents ect will change their tune once you've had the baby and it is very rare that someone chooses to keep a baby and regrets it.
The love you share with that child tops everything.
Yes it is difficult but it's also the most rewarding.
You also keep saying about how people his side feel towards you, none of that will change whether you keep the baby or not. They already think that.
Your child will love you no matter what.

Step away from your parents OP. For your sake, and your unborn child's.

You don't need to tell them anything, you know. You didn't need to tell them that you're pregnant, or that your considering abortion.

At the same age as you I had a toddler and another on the way, wouldn't have entered my head to involve my parents in the decision making stage. It has absolutely nothing to do with anyone except you and the father of your child, and even they can't tell you what to do with something that is residing in your body.

You don't strike me as having any autonomy over your own life or your own body, which really saddens me.

Ask them to leave so you can have space to decide what to do with YOUR body.

Find someone who wants to commit to you and tour child. A man who wants to marry and have your children. This is not fair on the unborn child and it will grow up in a very dysfunctional environment.

Think about your child not growing up with a father figure as well. He could even end up causing you and your baby a lot of problems. If he is involved, he could stop you from going abroad, abuse your child without your knowledge, bring them up in a way that you dont approve of or allow undesirable people to be of influence in your childs life. Be very careful.

@FrostedCranberries

Think about your child not growing up with a father figure as well. He could even end up causing you and your baby a lot of problems. If he is involved, he could stop you from going abroad, abuse your child without your knowledge, bring them up in a way that you dont approve of or allow undesirable people to be of influence in your childs life. Be very careful.

Stop trying to influence the OP's decision. It's HER decision.

FrostedCranberries

What are you talking about?

Suppose Firegirl35 waits and finds this man of her dreams and gets pregnant but then the man of her dreams dies unexpectedly (happened to a friend). Are you saying her child would be so screwed up that she should abort.

Your argument given how many single parents there are in the world who have perfectly healthy and successful children is based on what?

Where are these screwed up children?

I never knew my father. I have no interest in finding him. I had a traumatic childhood for other reasons. My father if he had been involved would just have been another person to point out my flaws

Are you Firegirl35’s ex or one of her parents?

This baby, if you have it, will be the absolute making of you. It'll give you the push you need to take charge of your life, and gain some autonomy for the first time it seems.

@SnooperTrooper12345 Thankyou, I guess I can’t really visualise it (the dating side), as I’ve never had any restrictions on my time/availability before and I know I’ll have to plan it, get a sitter and just not be spontaneous anymore. Every date I would go on would cost me double- child care and the actual date- something I’d not thought of before. Who is this lady who found her guy 7months pregnant?! What a story, I bet she’s the exception rather than the rule! I did actually go on a date with someone who had a 2 and 3 year old, didn’t put me off at all (possibly as I want a family), but his family was close by for child care and he was in a well paid job (mum approved then!). I did wonder whether he was ready to date as he’d only been split up from baby mummy for about 6 months, but he said it broke down before that because they don’t share the same values and view of how to bring up their kids.. Incidentally I ended up meeting and being love bombed by my ex, so I didn’t see him again. I always thought I made the wrong choice.

You’re probably right in that I have no control over what his family think of me, and perhaps they always will have that view of me (ex even said he didn’t think they could hate anyone more than they hated his ex when her affair came out, but they do me and had I not been pregnant he thought his mum would have gone for me. They all being paranoid or dramatic over the police visit and thinking that he’ll have the kids removed or his ex would kick off and not let him have 50:50. Neither happened- she’s keeping 50:50 as it benefits her with childcare, and I’ve called the police and the case has been closed (he doesn’t know that) so they were satisfied with the visit.

I had just hoped to develop a good relationship with baby’s extended family, especially since mine is so small (only parents) and so far away. It’s just another loss of the “family unit” I won’t have. I wouldn’t stop them seeing baby if they wanted to because it’s still their blood and I’ve no spite towards them

@Weallliveinamonkeysubmarine you could very well be right....

The thing is, if you have this baby then yes your life will change. You won't be able to be completely spontaneous and responsibility-free any more. But do you even want to be? Because all of the options you're talking about-this baby; a different baby within a relationship in the next couple of years; no baby but a puppy instead, they all mean you couldn't be completely spontaneous. So maybe that's a positive not a negative? Maybe that's the life you actually want?

Hey I’ve just been having raging arguments with parents (well I’m mostly silent, dads raising his voice and mums crying) about my “situation” and how I can’t afford it, how poor I’ll be this that and the other... I’ve got a finances spreadsheet where I’ve worked out all my finances, dad said to remove the lodger as I can’t rely on that, and if I do that and cut back on groceries, don’t have monthly savings and cancel my gym membership I’ll only have £50 left at the end of the month. And what if there’s a problem with the house/car etc... I have no back up money. That would be me paying all the childcare without help from ex or anyone else, about £700 a month. I said yeah it will be shit and tough for 3 years till they’re in school, mums saying but it doesn’t have to be that way, and if you had a partner things would be so much better, that I won’t meet anyone as I single mum she can guarantee that. Also it won’t get better after that as kids just get more expensive not less

I’m being rail roaded to a whole new level

They said they’ve been biting their tongue and walking on eggshells for days

I hate this and I hate them here

I can’t/won’t ask them to leave I’ll never see them again my dad is very impulsive and just flips out

My relationship with both of them ( but ESPECIALLY my mum) is Over after this. Either way, they’ve fucked it.

And if I don’t have this baby but go on to have another one (with a partner or on my own when I realise I’ve not yet met anyone and I’m running out of time), she was be having NO involvement

Dad says you shouldn’t have a child if you can’t afford it, it’s not about if you want one or not

I feel stupid, naive, and childish to even be considering having a child. No one wants it or thinks it’s a good idea. NO ONE. I feel like if I have an abortion I can make them FUCK OFF and I can do whatever the hell I like with my life and not tell or involve them. They’ve just lost a daughter, they’ve lost a big part of me now and they won’t ever get it back. My mum was crying saying how sad it was (that she’s gone from being proud of me in my career, to this situation I’m in), neither of them have any idea as to the damage they are causing us. Mums right in everything she said, and it probably does stem back to the abortion at 24 so just imagine how it will be after this one. No involvement. No details over my love life, no passing comment on who she thinks is good for me, no gossip, nothing. No mother daughter relationship. I’m hurting

I think your parents are trying to make you think realistically, I know you want a child but it will be hard on your own, emotionally and financially, you could be a good few years single unless you have people ready to babysit for you while you meet someone else, if you don't go ahead with this baby, it's a risk but you could find the one after the COVID has finished and find a decent man that wants a baby with you, I know you are panicking about your age but you have fallen pregnant easily and it is likely that you have a few years left still fertile but ultimately do what you think is best though.

I can't believe the emotional abuse that you are getting off your parents. Clearly youwnant this baby, that much is obvious, and you wouldn't have looked into it so much if you didn't. You also think of it as a baby from the way you talk, which will make it even harder emotionally, if they force you into another abortion, which is what they are trying to do. And how dare they. It caused you a huge amount of grief last time, so don't let them railroad you again.

This is your life, and to me it sounds like you have things relatively sorted. Your boss is on board, you've done the maths. Having a baby might make dating more tricky for a while, but probably not more so than being a single woman in her late thirties who very clearly wants to settle down quickly and have a child, which is your alternative.

If your ex is involved, then contact time is when you can schedule dates, so you don't need to pay twice. If not, there are always ways - spending 10 minutes on Mumsnet, you see that a lot of parents are dating.

You don't have to have this baby if YOU don't want to have this baby, but that's the only reason to have a termination. It's not kinder on the baby (existence generally beats not existing, and you sound like a loving and supportive person), it's not selfish. It doesn't matter what your parents want, you aren't 14, and even then it would be your decision.

They've made decisions for you for long enough. Whatever happens here, you need to step out from their shadow and become your own person. Please.

I feel like from everything you’ve said you would probably regret having an abortion. You sound like you like the thought of having a baby. Your parents are probably right you probably will struggle and you probably will be skint but if you really want this baby you will make it work, and you will 100% love it despite all that. Of course it isn’t going to be easy but it’s completely worth it. I have 3 kids, I was a single mum for a while with my first. Single mums get help financially too, help with nursery fees etc...your parents will end up loving this baby and helping you too, this upset you’ve caused them is temporary. The only concern I would have would be the babys father and the relationship with him and how u think that’ll play out with a baby. I can tell u the anxiety you are feeling now is normal, the pregnancy wasn’t planned so it’s overwhelming. I can tell you that as soon as you have an abortion that anxiety will go- it did with me and I was left wondering why I was so worried and left feeling like everything could have been overcome and wishing I hadn’t done it because I wanted the baby but was so overwhelmed with anxiety and things going wrong I didn’t feel I had another choice. YOU 100% DO HAVE A CHOICE Xx

Thankyou @timeforchangeagain
I’ve never felt more alone and unloved in my entire life. I’ve made excuses to go upstairs so I can just lay in bed and cry.

They both said they would worry about me when they leave if I keep it- have I got morning sickness, do I need to go to the shop but I’m stuck etc..

Will they worry about me much after a termination? Not likely. And not how much they would worry about me the rest of my life if I had a baby. So obviously the only solution is for me to have a termination, coz that’s easy. Have they even considered how that might affect our relationship? No, but at least they won’t have to worry about me anymore.

Either way I’m on my own now in life. What’s the point in anything. I shouldn’t ever have a child as I’m not rich enough to give it the life I had, dads annoyed at all the money spent on university (I’m paying student loans back still, not him), and I “should be” on a job that’s 50k and is annoyed that I’m not. Mum said no she’s never been more proud than when I got into the fire service... as it’s so hard to get in. All she/they care about is money and their image, she’s a massive snob which I’ve only realised as an adult when she judges others and is money orientated. But because I’m on my own on an average wage I don’t deserve a child or family. I’m devastated. If they hadn’t come down there’s no way I’d be in this position now. If the counsellor hadn’t phoned the police and then I panicked and asked them to come, I wouldn’t be here now. Why did I tell them? How stupid am I? I clearly don’t deserve happiness as the baby was the only thing that was giving me a glimmer of happiness but they have shit all over it. I don’t know what will happen to me after this. I’m now so damaged. Please someone help me, I’m going to have to have an abortion as I don’t see a way out, how do I justify it? How do I not hate my parents? Let’s add them to the list of things I’m grieving for- ex partner, kids, my baby, my parents. There’s nothing left, nothing.

Don't have the abortion tomorrow you are not in the right frame of mind to be making decisions your too emotional and influenced by everyone else delay it

@Pinkychilla it is delayed, till the 12th as my nearest clinic said they couldn’t do general anaesthetic so I’ve got to wait and travel 5 hour round trip for it. My parents don’t know it’s booked. I have a plasterer coming on the 11th so my dad will definitely want to be here for that. Mum just kept saying the other day, as soon as I know my decision, tell them. I feel that they’ve only had this confrontation with me tonight because they got a sense that I’m keeping it, and that was their last opportunity to convince me otherwise. Mum really really does think I’ll be a poor struggling parent and be unhappy and have ruined my life. She cries when she tells me. I’ve never felt more shit, guilty, defensive, unsupported in all my life. We had a plasterer come round earlier to quote for us, and he made a comment about painting and said to me can you not paint? To which my dad said, my own dad in front of a perfect stranger “she can’t do anything”

Can you imagine how I feel