36 in June, pregnant with 1st after 5 months with OH who doesn’t want it

[Firegirl35]

Hi girls I’ve been reading and lurking but really need to share my situation for some advice..

I’m 35, no children and have found out I’m pregnant. I’ve been with the father just 5 months, we have had a rushed relationship as first date in July and then I moved in 2 weeks later mainly due to my house purchase falling through... I’ve now bought a house that needs some work doing and am currently still living with him.

He’s 37, has a 6 year old daughter and 8 year old son from a previous LTR which he was devastated ended in her having an affair, telling him she didn’t love him anymore and tearing the family apart. He took it hard as he was the same age as his son when the same thing happened to him. When we first got together he said he’s not against having more kids ‘one day’. His mum went on to remarry and have a baby when she was 42, so he is open to it, but also he seems to think age isn’t really a barrier.

We have the kids exactly half the week (so he doesn’t pay ex maintenance), and things have been great until a few weeks ago when his son started having sickness and anxiety at meal times.. he’s asked his dad why he’s not with mummy and even said he doesn’t want Christmas. I don’t know if going between two houses is upsetting for them, but the ex has suggested she has them more. He’s dead against this, he wants to see them more, and he also doesn’t trust that if he gave her maintenance it would actually be spent on the kids. I’m not sure if he’s controlling her with this. I have no relationship with her whatsoever, she seems a bit threatened by the bond I have with her children but I think she’s coming round. The whole situation is new and they are still figuring it out a bit.

Anyway, I tested positive for covid on Nov 30th. I’m a firefighter and once the two weeks isolation ended I still felt very ill with symptoms like fatigue and sickness that weren’t going away... so I got signed off work another 2 weeks. I tried to get anti sickness tablets prescribed, and was asked if I could be pregnant. I took 3 tests which all came back positive and it was confirmed by an out of hours GP an hour later..

I was in total shock and couldn’t stop shaking for hours. I called a male friend who has been very supportive, and I registered with a maternity unit as I wanted an early scan to date me... I think I got pregnant when I was ill, as I stopped taking the pill but we did have sex once. The week before that though I was fatigued, so I don’t know. I have ended up contacting Marie curie for a scan as I knew I could get in there quick, and they booked me in for Xmas eve. We left early but the motorway was closed and the diversion made us late for the appointment, so they wouldn’t see me :(

I told my partner a few days ago, and his reaction was “for fcuk sake”. Then “what are you going to do?” He’s since made it very clear to me in several heartfelt conversations how he feels about it all, that it was wrong as it was a very bad time, he’s still getting his head around the situation he’s in and the fall out from it, the kids aren’t totally settled yet (more his son), and he always swore that if he had kids again it would be when everything was totally right as he wouldn’t want to bring another “broken person” into the world as he puts it. He said that everyone else would think the same, and that it’s just a pill. His ex terminated their third which he was against at the time but thinks they would struggle to cope as they would have had two young ones.. His opinion of abortions now is that they are fine, as she was fine with having the medical one. And he says he’s glad as that’s one less kid he would have messed up. He tells me it wouldn’t work as he knows he’s not ready for another baby now, that it’s Horrific and you need to be rock solid. I think he believes that I will 99% get rid of it, after a frosty day or so we’ve been getting on better even making jokes, but that’s because he thinks I’m definitely having an abortion. If I say something against that, then it’s “I don’t want to argue” “we keep going over it” or “it’s doing my head in”

For me-
I had a surgical abortion at 7 weeks when I was 24. I had only been with the guy 4 months and he lived 200 miles away, he was fairly happy and we were going to keep it but I was scared as I was young, living in a flat with a girlfriend, suffering badly with an eating disorder, and extreme sickness. I told my parents and my mum went mental, made me feel stupid and like a kid and that it was a mistake and I wouldn’t cope. So I ended up going to a clinic, coming away as I couldn’t do it, facing the wrath from my mum and going back to have it. It fcuked me up for years, I went through phases of being completely obsessed with babies to deciding I wanted absolutely nothing to do with them (then my decision was justified). I moved to be with my partner, secretly hated my mum for two years it took me to forgive her in my head. I was with my partner for 8 years, so it would have probably worked out and we only split when I decided to become a firefighter and he didn’t want to move away again.

I told myself at the time of the abortion that I would never do that again. But also as I’ve got older I’ve seen the rough side of life with kids so have a realistic view which makes me appreciate time I’ve had single/free. I know babies/families are hard work, but I see myself with one in the future. (Near or distant not sure). It’s really hard being a step mum/friend figure to my OHs two , and makes me want my own. I missed out on the baby stage and toddlers... ill also never be the one they want when they’re ill, and mums Xmas dinner trumps ours, they want to stay at mums Xmas eve etc... the mum always wins. It hurts. I feel like I love them like my own but I don’t get them if that makes sense, and it makes the pain of not having my own more. I thought before I got pregnant, if it doesn’t work out with me and OH (haven’t been happy with his behaviour- he’s quite lazy, dirty etc round the house, doesn’t pay me compliments, and he’s only an ok dad, he does provide and cook for them and they don’t go without much, but he’d be happy to have DS in a dirty jumper, and sometimes I think he interacts with the dog more than he does me/the kids! Both his other two were unplanned when ex was on the pill, but I think he thinks she planned it , and it’s possible he thinks that now although I have told him I forgot the pill as I was so ill with covid (the sex was consensual btw, no forced sex).

I’m stuck because my heart wants the baby, but I know logically and sensibly it’s not the right time at all. OH said he wants to enjoy life with me more first- go on a holiday together, get each of our houses sorted, have the kids see our relationship develop before bringing a baby into it. But I’m the one who would have to live with it afterwards. And I’ll be 36 when the baby is born, what if this is my last chance? I can get my house completed in a few months so that will be straight, and although my parents live 200 miles away they miss me and both retired last year so I think they would move down into the 2nd bedroom, if I had to do it alone and we split up. I’ve not told them because of the drama of last time, and don’t want either to tell me to abort because we’ve not been together long. I wanted to make my own mind up and tell them at 3 months when they would have to accept it. My dad is turning 70 in April and my mum 65, this would be their first grandchild and I worked out I would be able to tell them the gender for their birthdays. My girlfriends are supportive of me whatever I decide. I’m the first in our small group to be pregnant and they are all single. I keep thinking, if I abort and we split up down the line, it might be too late to find someone and have a baby with them. On the other hand, if I don’t abort and we split up, at least I’ve got my baby/family and I won’t be too old to find someone new to have a relationship with. If they had kids too I wouldn’t feel like I’m missing out if I didn’t have one as I would have one. But also, I fell pregnant after one incident when 24, and probably only a few now, so if I waited to see if this is the right person, and build up more foundation with him it might not be too late, however I’ll never know.

This is the most difficult decision. I have an appointment at Marie stopes on the 29th for everything- due to them not seeing me on 24th- a scan, medical questionnaire, counselling and the procedure itself if I want to go through with it then. If I don’t I have to wait till 7th jan.
I’m so torn :( Any advice or insights would be much appreciated Thankyou so much

Please don't terminate. You sound very unsure and you will regret it. I had 2 children as a teenager and had no support at all. In that time I got a degree and started working ( still on a low income) my eldest is now 13. I also had a termination and I still regret it to this day. The government will help financially. I want £22500 pa and I receive £475 a month from the government and also childcare if I need it. This baby will become your life and you will feel fullfillment for the rest of your life. Sending big hugs cxxx

Hi @BendyLikeBeckham, I didn’t go today I’m due to go tomorrow morning. I’m 💯 done with him and don’t expect anything from him now-he didn’t wish me happy new year or text to ask what time will I be round so I’m just going to turn up. Be super upbeat and happy, excited to pack everything up and start a new life in my home and make sure he knows it. He’ll be confused as to why I don’t mention us and will miss the ego feed. Parents are coming with me and I’ll pack their car with bike and bits then sort through the rest myself. Curious as to whether he even mentions the pregnancy let alone his thoughts (if any) on contact, as when I was round briefly the other night it wasn’t brought up but I was so quick. I’ll let you know how I get on. I’ve started to look on spareroom for someone to move into my spare room when it’s ready, no luck yet but it’s early days. Also Facebook marketplace have some really good bargains for baby things.. I just can’t bring myself to buy anything yet. With my ED history the reality of postpartum bodies and changes is freaking me out, I know people say it’s worth it in the end, but I can’t afford for body image problems/hatred to push me into a deep post natal depression as I’ll be the only one the baby has to rely on. I think when my parents go back up north (which could not be for a couple weeks) I’ll start doing some exercises to feel better about myself. I barely left my bedroom all of December due to covid and then preggo sickness.. now I’m out of breath climbing the stairs is that normal?! I’ll let you know how I get on tomorrow 😬

Sounds normal to me (a total non expert).

Good luck tomorrow. I think your plan to discuss nothing with him tomorrow is a good one. As much as you are still feeling conflicted about the whole pregnancy, he is sure to be in total mental chaos too (even more so thanks to his narcissism) so anything he tells you at this stage would be meaningless - whether it's promises to be the most supportive dad in the world or violent angry threats against you. It's just too early even to think about him and what he wants.

And just in connection to the ED, there are many many women who have trodden this path before you and been fine and even found pregnancy and parenting has helped them to build a better relationship with 'normal' eating. Please do discuss this and exercising with your midwife and be honest about your concerns. I'm sure they'll be helpful.

I'm 23 weeks pregnant and I have not had an ED but I've had a very fraught relationship with my weight. Pregnancy has been so interesting in terms of my relationship to my body and to eating. I was so ill for the first 4 months that all my obsessive healthy eating went out the window and I just ate what I had to eat which was carbs, constantly. Then when I started to feel better I found all my compulsive habits had gone and I was for the first time in my life able to just eat when I was hungry. Also having a belly and being proud of it has been really transformative and is a whole new way of relating to my body. I feel like I can be kinder to myself. Initially I was worried but these days I'm not worried at all about losing the weight when I have my baby. I feel like it'll be fairly easy with breastfeeding and a little effort and exercise. Obviously I can only speak for myself but I have heard similar things from other women. Yes pregnancy and afterwards can be scary for your body but it can also be a whole new chapter for how you relate to yourself.

Sounds like you have a good plan for tomorrow, OP.

OP, your body is performing a miracle; it is growing a new human being! And if you continue with the pregnancy, then it will give birth to that human and nourish him or her if you choose to bf. You should celebrate the amazing changes you will see and the wonderful work it is doing by itself. Nature is so amazing! I remember when my DC were born, I was always so incredulous and proud of myself in a "wow, I did that!" sort of way. My body was scarred and torn, and instead of feeling bad about that, it was my reminder and testament to the wonderful thing it had done and the beautiful person I had created inside me. I never resented it.

OP, your relationship with your body will change as your pregnancy progresses and the baby is born. Don't assume that will be in a negative way. Embrace and celebrate your amazing body and what it is doing. And tell your MW so you can get whatever support you need.

Sorry, that all got a bit earnest, but every predicted and anticipated negative can be the complete opposite in reality. I mentioned before about overthinking and catastrophising. Stop worrying!

OP, your breathlessness is probably covid related, but do phone your GP if you want reassurance.

The breathlessness could be lots of things, covid, baby, iron levels. I'd speak to the gp for reassurance

[quote Firegirl35]@Rollingpiglet you may be right...
and also do I want him involved in anyway together or apart in raising it. He’s got a great family who are local who I think would be very shocked but supportive when it comes to it (though he’s told me his mum would go mental). I think he’s using some manipulative tactics on me[/quote]
Yes he is trying to use tactics, and in a very immature way EG I'm going to tell my mum FGS
It's your house, you will manage
He is a child himself, and where the kids are involved
You are not the only single mother in the village!
Your mum will be on your side now you are older
Good luck and don't do anything you don't want to

I got my days wrong! This period between Xmas and New Years has totally mixed me up, thought today was Sunday but also a decorator turned up at 8am and I thought he was due next week! At least the house is getting more sorted, and I’ll have a second sleepless night tonight worrying about tomorrow- good training!! 😅😒

It doesn’t sound like you want an abortion from what you’ve posted. I agree with other posters, you should take the ex out of the equation and decide if you want to bring up a baby by yourself or not (and think about him being a part time dad and how that would work) because it may be you don’t stay together if he doesn’t want the baby or if you decide he’s not the man for you. I had my first baby in my early 20’s, her dad wanted me to terminate and was a useless waste of space as a dad and still is, has never paid maintenance and sees her only once in a few weeks...I managed just fine being a single mum to her and loved every minute of it....I then met my current partner...we now have 2 other children together...if you have a child now (because u want to) and decide he isn’t the man for you, this child won’t stop you meeting someone else if you end in the future either and potentially having another child with them (if that’s what u want), however I also understand most people very much want the ideal... married, house, all children with same partner etc...it doesn’t always work out like that but if that’s important to you and you worry the situation wouldn’t work then that’s something else to consider.

I had an abortion a few weeks ago for completely different reasons (I was worried about my health and other children if we had another) and if I could turn back the clock now I think I probably would...I feel I did the right thing for everyone else except me. Do what’s right for you. Don’t listen to what your partner says he isn’t the one who has to deal with the feelings afterwards.

If you do decide to terminate, I had the medical and physically it was fine so don’t listen to the horror stories.

I would say , harshly I know , that this may be your only chance of motherhood. I think you would regret an abortion. If he chooses to be absent then so be it and you must be ready for lone parenthood. Accept all the help you are offered.

Sorry just seen your following posts, good luck with the baby and glad you got rid of him! X

now I’m out of breath climbing the stairs is that normal?

In the first three months of pregnancy, IME yes! I was wiped out for the first 12 weeks or so, utterly drained and exhausted, couldn't have exercised if I'd wanted to. If you've been sick too that will make you weak. Honestly, don't worry too much about it right now - just deal with the stuff you've got to deal with. The only exercise I did throughout both my pregnancies was walking and some pregnancy yoga stretches and it was fine.

I agree with other posters, you should take the ex out of the equation

This

And your parents who are messing with your head.

Hey OP I have been following this thread for the beginning. I am wishing you well, have you decided what you're going to do?

Hope it went ok today @Firegirl35 and you're feeling a bit more relaxed.

Hi girls Thankyou for messaging, I’ve gone quiet as I wanted to think, but then there has been a police incident with ex and it’s left me spinning and pretty low tbh. I think I need to get out all the mess and break away from him and his family.. basically he’s got police officers going to speak to his children because there’s been a concern raised for their welfare. They came to my house when he turned up after I had taken his key, and I felt threatened as he wouldn’t leave me alone, I was also on the phone to the abortion clinic and it was they who called the police. Two cars came and one officer was inside with me for two hours.. it’s gone down as a domestic and now he’s had police knock his door this morning and are going round again to check on the kids. He’s reeling obviously and his kids are his main concern, he’s worried about social services taking them off him even though he’s got no grounds to worry.. when I went round for my things they had been at 8am this morning. I got to the house with my mum and straight away as soon as I opened the door it was different, the smell in house had gone and it smelled nice, the bathroom was cleaned, the whole place had been gutted and cleaned, mould off walls the lot. His mum was there and they’d both been sorting it out for the next police visit which was supposed to be this afternoon. He’d even done his hair nice. They didn’t come but are coming tomorrow he thinks. He wanted me to ring them and get them off his case. Once the house was clean they both went the station to complain and say they didn’t want officers in uniform questioning the kids, scaring them etc.. he wanted me to phone to get off his case too. They didn’t come today but have a duty of care, because our incident was classed as a domestic I think, or maybe because of the context (me pregnant and “vulnerable”, him not wanting the baby, being mad when I didn’t abort and then coming my house and not leaving when I told him to). I was on the phone and he called me 19 times I text to say I’m on a private phone call please go home, he called me a liar and then the police turned up as the lady I was on phone to could hear I was frightened. It’s kicked off a shit storm. I’m now being accused by his mum of pressing charges against him, which isn’t what’s happening , and they were told that I had made some sort of complaint or concern for their welfare! I can’t believe that they have told him that and put me at risk!! It wasn’t really a “domestic” incident to my mind and they shouldn’t have come looking back on it, but now it’s leading to him and then the kids being questioned... He’s said that the trust is gone and he doesn’t know how we can move forward now (with the one inside me), as you have to have trust.. All he’s concerned about understandably at the moment is his current children and what could happen there... he can’t say how he’s feeling about me or mine..

I can’t believe the situation I’m in and that the police have been involved, it doesn’t feel real it’s like it’s all happening to someone else. I feel so trashy and it’s not me or what I want for mine. I didn’t think it could get any messier but it just has...

I have a few more days to make a decision, and I’m doing a u-turn past 48 hours and am 90% more to abortion... I don’t see how a baby’s life would be anything but a mess in all of this, possibly mine too. I know I shouldn’t want him, but I want a family unit, and because I’m pregnant with his child (and we’ve only broken up days ago really), I can’t help but have a small hope in back of my mind that we could have that one day. Which might be ridiculous and a fantasy, but it’s there in head/heart nonetheless.

This has been the worst and hardest month of my life. Having my parents here has made be grateful for their company and help, but made me feel shit about myself like I would struggle A LOT on my own. Just with silly little/daily/practical things. I know I’m a FF but I’m shit at DIY, and my dads been doing loads round the house I would be too nervous or clueless to do. I feel like I wouldn’t cope well on my own. They wouldn’t be able to be here, and nor would my friends. I can’t rely on ex for any sort of help practically or financially as he’s reeling from thinking I’ve called the police to his house, and so may ‘disown’ us later down the line... I feel like it would be wrong to bring a child into world who would be so poor... I’m not confident I could give it a good enough quality of life that i would like or they would want. I keep going in circles now. I know my parents are Very worried about me. They support me in principle but I know how they both feel and mums said after our conversations about him probably being a narc, then this police thing and how when we spoke about it all on phone and I had him on loud speaker she said how quickly and easily he had spun something I’d said and turn it back to me, that it came very natural to him.

I feel like my life is only getting worse and more complicated since finding out I’m pregnant, it is supposed to be a positive and happy time I’ve had none of that from anyone and didn’t have long of feeling it myself. I feel like life is only going to get harder and worse if I keep it now

This is only me and I cannot presume to tell you what to do - it is your baby and 100% your choice - but if it were me I would not have a baby with a man like that.

whatever you decide. It is very hard.

Sounds like you are going round in circles to be honest, things don't need to be this complicated. Hope you can come to the right decision soon.

Thank you @BaaHumbugg and @Saylethewayles think you are right, I have been going round in circles. I’ve just started to ‘detach’ a little from the pregnancy ahead of the 7th, and I feel less weighed down by worries and relieved when I momentarily forget I’m pregnant. It’s a hard situation to be in... I’m wondering if I will feel any different on the 7th to what I did on the 29th, maybe only time will tell when I’m actually there. Either way it’s a hard choice which I think I’ll get counselling for afterwards either way. Each path has sadness and regret over the other path not chosen, I read from another poster

I am only coming from the perspective that I have a father very much like the man you describe, and have seen how damaged my mother has been from having to deal with him.

I don't blame my mother at all, I love her to bits, but I think she would tell you herself that she wishes he wasn't the father of her children.

That’s a very sad and thought provoking post, your poor mum to have to have dealt with someone for all those years and it’s got to her. My mum says this to me too, just bear in mind you’ll never be shot of him, he’ll always be in your life. Am I right in assuming your parents aren’t together?

Correct, they split when I was very young but he was extremely controlling and used us as a way of getting to her.

Unfortunately the courts insist on access at all costs so we had to see him. He consistently paid no maintenance and tried to get us to come and live with him even though we didn't want to, we wanted to live with our mum. One time he refused to give us back after a contact weekend and she had to go to court to get him to return us.

Trust your gut. If you really don’t feel like you will cope and you worry so much for the future, don’t continue the pregnancy. Let your instincts guide you.

But PLEASE no matter what happens, do not go back to this guy ever. Invest in some counselling and try to put this nightmare behind you. I’d also move elsewhere if possible so you don’t have any reminders or chance run-ins with him or his family.

Wishing you all the best, hope you are ok. Xx

If you have the baby, would he want 50/50 custody? My abusive ex was awarded this seven years ago when the kids were just 3 and 7. It's been truly horrendous for us all.

As in to get back at you? My ex did exactly this.