36 in June, pregnant with 1st after 5 months with OH who doesn’t want it

[Firegirl35]

Hi girls I’ve been reading and lurking but really need to share my situation for some advice..

I’m 35, no children and have found out I’m pregnant. I’ve been with the father just 5 months, we have had a rushed relationship as first date in July and then I moved in 2 weeks later mainly due to my house purchase falling through... I’ve now bought a house that needs some work doing and am currently still living with him.

He’s 37, has a 6 year old daughter and 8 year old son from a previous LTR which he was devastated ended in her having an affair, telling him she didn’t love him anymore and tearing the family apart. He took it hard as he was the same age as his son when the same thing happened to him. When we first got together he said he’s not against having more kids ‘one day’. His mum went on to remarry and have a baby when she was 42, so he is open to it, but also he seems to think age isn’t really a barrier.

We have the kids exactly half the week (so he doesn’t pay ex maintenance), and things have been great until a few weeks ago when his son started having sickness and anxiety at meal times.. he’s asked his dad why he’s not with mummy and even said he doesn’t want Christmas. I don’t know if going between two houses is upsetting for them, but the ex has suggested she has them more. He’s dead against this, he wants to see them more, and he also doesn’t trust that if he gave her maintenance it would actually be spent on the kids. I’m not sure if he’s controlling her with this. I have no relationship with her whatsoever, she seems a bit threatened by the bond I have with her children but I think she’s coming round. The whole situation is new and they are still figuring it out a bit.

Anyway, I tested positive for covid on Nov 30th. I’m a firefighter and once the two weeks isolation ended I still felt very ill with symptoms like fatigue and sickness that weren’t going away... so I got signed off work another 2 weeks. I tried to get anti sickness tablets prescribed, and was asked if I could be pregnant. I took 3 tests which all came back positive and it was confirmed by an out of hours GP an hour later..

I was in total shock and couldn’t stop shaking for hours. I called a male friend who has been very supportive, and I registered with a maternity unit as I wanted an early scan to date me... I think I got pregnant when I was ill, as I stopped taking the pill but we did have sex once. The week before that though I was fatigued, so I don’t know. I have ended up contacting Marie curie for a scan as I knew I could get in there quick, and they booked me in for Xmas eve. We left early but the motorway was closed and the diversion made us late for the appointment, so they wouldn’t see me :(

I told my partner a few days ago, and his reaction was “for fcuk sake”. Then “what are you going to do?” He’s since made it very clear to me in several heartfelt conversations how he feels about it all, that it was wrong as it was a very bad time, he’s still getting his head around the situation he’s in and the fall out from it, the kids aren’t totally settled yet (more his son), and he always swore that if he had kids again it would be when everything was totally right as he wouldn’t want to bring another “broken person” into the world as he puts it. He said that everyone else would think the same, and that it’s just a pill. His ex terminated their third which he was against at the time but thinks they would struggle to cope as they would have had two young ones.. His opinion of abortions now is that they are fine, as she was fine with having the medical one. And he says he’s glad as that’s one less kid he would have messed up. He tells me it wouldn’t work as he knows he’s not ready for another baby now, that it’s Horrific and you need to be rock solid. I think he believes that I will 99% get rid of it, after a frosty day or so we’ve been getting on better even making jokes, but that’s because he thinks I’m definitely having an abortion. If I say something against that, then it’s “I don’t want to argue” “we keep going over it” or “it’s doing my head in”

For me-
I had a surgical abortion at 7 weeks when I was 24. I had only been with the guy 4 months and he lived 200 miles away, he was fairly happy and we were going to keep it but I was scared as I was young, living in a flat with a girlfriend, suffering badly with an eating disorder, and extreme sickness. I told my parents and my mum went mental, made me feel stupid and like a kid and that it was a mistake and I wouldn’t cope. So I ended up going to a clinic, coming away as I couldn’t do it, facing the wrath from my mum and going back to have it. It fcuked me up for years, I went through phases of being completely obsessed with babies to deciding I wanted absolutely nothing to do with them (then my decision was justified). I moved to be with my partner, secretly hated my mum for two years it took me to forgive her in my head. I was with my partner for 8 years, so it would have probably worked out and we only split when I decided to become a firefighter and he didn’t want to move away again.

I told myself at the time of the abortion that I would never do that again. But also as I’ve got older I’ve seen the rough side of life with kids so have a realistic view which makes me appreciate time I’ve had single/free. I know babies/families are hard work, but I see myself with one in the future. (Near or distant not sure). It’s really hard being a step mum/friend figure to my OHs two , and makes me want my own. I missed out on the baby stage and toddlers... ill also never be the one they want when they’re ill, and mums Xmas dinner trumps ours, they want to stay at mums Xmas eve etc... the mum always wins. It hurts. I feel like I love them like my own but I don’t get them if that makes sense, and it makes the pain of not having my own more. I thought before I got pregnant, if it doesn’t work out with me and OH (haven’t been happy with his behaviour- he’s quite lazy, dirty etc round the house, doesn’t pay me compliments, and he’s only an ok dad, he does provide and cook for them and they don’t go without much, but he’d be happy to have DS in a dirty jumper, and sometimes I think he interacts with the dog more than he does me/the kids! Both his other two were unplanned when ex was on the pill, but I think he thinks she planned it , and it’s possible he thinks that now although I have told him I forgot the pill as I was so ill with covid (the sex was consensual btw, no forced sex).

I’m stuck because my heart wants the baby, but I know logically and sensibly it’s not the right time at all. OH said he wants to enjoy life with me more first- go on a holiday together, get each of our houses sorted, have the kids see our relationship develop before bringing a baby into it. But I’m the one who would have to live with it afterwards. And I’ll be 36 when the baby is born, what if this is my last chance? I can get my house completed in a few months so that will be straight, and although my parents live 200 miles away they miss me and both retired last year so I think they would move down into the 2nd bedroom, if I had to do it alone and we split up. I’ve not told them because of the drama of last time, and don’t want either to tell me to abort because we’ve not been together long. I wanted to make my own mind up and tell them at 3 months when they would have to accept it. My dad is turning 70 in April and my mum 65, this would be their first grandchild and I worked out I would be able to tell them the gender for their birthdays. My girlfriends are supportive of me whatever I decide. I’m the first in our small group to be pregnant and they are all single. I keep thinking, if I abort and we split up down the line, it might be too late to find someone and have a baby with them. On the other hand, if I don’t abort and we split up, at least I’ve got my baby/family and I won’t be too old to find someone new to have a relationship with. If they had kids too I wouldn’t feel like I’m missing out if I didn’t have one as I would have one. But also, I fell pregnant after one incident when 24, and probably only a few now, so if I waited to see if this is the right person, and build up more foundation with him it might not be too late, however I’ll never know.

This is the most difficult decision. I have an appointment at Marie stopes on the 29th for everything- due to them not seeing me on 24th- a scan, medical questionnaire, counselling and the procedure itself if I want to go through with it then. If I don’t I have to wait till 7th jan.
I’m so torn :( Any advice or insights would be much appreciated Thankyou so much

[quote Firegirl35]@ChickaboomZoom that sounds lovely! Busy full house/life. Glad you found that.

@Feebs0 Thankyou, how did you get over it?[/quote]
It was really hard emotionally as I broke up with my ex (knew it was the right thing to do) then found out I was pregnant, then had a miscarriage. It was heartbreak all over!

Sounds cliche and cheesy but just taking time to look after myself and keeping busy. But you’ll be keeping plenty busy with the baby

Don't forget OP it might not be right for him to have contact to begin with, you and your new born need to get into a routine and if your breast feeding he won't be able to have the baby without you at all to begin with. On the plus side that means no GFs around the baby on the down side might mean you need to see him some more. Don't let him push you into agreeing arrangements right now, you won't know how you feel in 9 months time. Listen to what he has to say and then maybe ask for time to digest what he's said. It might be a good idea further down the line to go to mediation to discuss and agree on how you want the child bringing up, I.e not meeting girlfriends until there had been a certain amount of time, knowing that it's a more serious relationship although he may ask the same things for you so keep this in mind also but don't worry about those kind of things right now just focus on yourself xxx

I would suggest you don't talk about contact or maintenance right now. It is way too early.

Why are you meeting with him at all?

What will be gained?

He will try and manipulate/guilt/pressure you into aborting or getting back with him (please refer to my earlier post)

This meeting is for HIM to get his own way. What are you getting out of it?

Please reconsider or at least take your dad.

I cannot take full credit I'm afraid as I totally ripped off the first paragraph from Reality's excellent post which is so good it's stickied in the Relationships forum for everyone to read forever!

here if you want to have a read :) if you haven't read it before you absolutely must, it's brilliant.

Mumsnet totally changed my view of relationships. I thought it was normal to have a partner who sometimes upset you, I didn't think someone who was nice all the time even when they're angry or upset was real. I don't know why, because I am not vindictive or cruel myself, I don't hurt people for fun even when I'm feeling shitty - I don't know why I expected other people to naturally be like this or that it was OK! I think I just thought it was a man/woman thing - it's really not and you don't have to settle for low standards, just because in the past you didn't know it was an option.

Sharing your life with someone is a HUGE thing. Make sure they are vetted to a very very high standard :)

So the meeting is primarily to empty his house of all my belongings, I’ve got quite a lot still there and need it al back of course. We had said that we were going to talk about us too, on my weak request, but last night I saw that he still has an OKcupid profile, and I pieced together much more about him talking to mum and in bed, that all I’m now going for is my things and I can ask him what have been his initial thoughts on contact since he’s started to accept things, and I will have to think about it as it’s early days. I don’t want any reason why I have to go back to that house/see him. I’ve not blocked his number as it’s not appropriate at the moment in current situation if he’s having input I’ll keep that open, but I’ve archived the chat so I’m not tempted to message him when I see his picture

Defo 100% postpone discussions about contact for now. Wait until later on in the pregnancy.

I'd also recommend to scout around and see what you can find out about normal newborn contact - it should be little and often at first, newborns should not be away from their mothers for long periods as it's not fair on them. You will have maternity leave and you're entitled to space and protection to recover from birth if nothing else.

Maybe post on the Lone Parents board to see what others' experiences have been. Remember to view everything he does through a critical lens, you unfortunately cannot take it at face value. It will always be about how something benefits him.

Ahh Bertie I’m glad you came to that realisation too! Think sometimes it takes a bunch of strangers who are not involved/invested to open your eyes up to reality and realise what should and could happen. I have a feeling I’ll be popping over to the relationships thread and lone parents for quite a bit of support in the coming months/years!!!

I am no expert but I really wouldn't bring up anything about contact at this stage. At best it's not relevant yet and things can change a lot, at worst he might hold you to any conversation you have now and he might get angry if you're not saying what he wants you to.

And you’re dead right it’s always about how something benefits him! Even if that’s just his public image

You are doing so well!

This isn't much different to if you had planned a baby with him, likely you would still be a SP once you'd realised about his dating app!
You would have had to continue at that point to be the great mam you plan to be,without him anyway.

I didn't plan it and would t have chosen it either but brought up two DC's on my own when DH turned into an adulterer. Sometimes we just don't know what the future holds.
Wouldn't change it for the world my DC's are amazing.

Here's a thought...if I were you I would be renting out my house, transferring my job and moving near to where my northern male friend lives....so much unconditional support for you!

LOL @ByersRd!!! Well that might be an option one day in the future lol! Maybe I can fulfil the pact with him and have a second lol. Stranger things have happened. I’m sure it will all work out in the end. Must have faith this is my path. He’s in the back of my mind and I keep toying with the idea of a termination on 7th.. one reason why I can’t bring myself to contribute in birth groups yet.

I agree that it’s way too early for discussions re. contact. OP - you’re still clutching at straws by agreeing to meet up with him.

Go back one last time to get your belongings and leave. No discussions necessary at this stage.

Give yourself some time and space to get over him by blocking him. What can he give you right now that will help? Nada!
Only contact him again to inform him that his child has been born and then continue to get on with your life. I doubt he’ll bother with the child much anyway if you don’t insist on it. Right now, he’s just trying to orchestrate the situation so he does not look bad to other people because he knows he’s fucked up (again). You do not owe him anything!

@Firegirl35

Just popping into say, it’s completely normal to consider options in early pregnancy.

I tried for 10 months to I’ve my baby and still had a break down for the first 8 weeks and went into utter turmoil of ‘oh my god, what have I done’?.. and then cried lots.

I then fell completely and utterly in love around 14 weeks pregnant. It is bloody hard being a parent and life changes a lot, it wouldn’t be normal to not consider your options.

In my experience however, the little horrors are most definitely worth it x

Not an expert but I understand if you don’t name him as the father on the birth certificate, he will have to go to court to obtain parental rights. Many men talk the talk but don’t actually follow through on this given the time/resources required to do so. Just a thought on how to keep him at a distance if that is what you think might be best. I am surprised this has not been mentioned here yet as ‘make sure you don’t put him on the birth certificate’ is a common MN plea with toxic men like this.

I know you’re trying to get your head around how you’ll manage work and childcare, but the likely reality is that he’ll let you and your child down. I had this with my ex on the day that I was due to return to work from mat leave with DC1. I ended up pretending that to work that I had got confused with my return date and then struggled to find a childminder that worked on Sats. The childminder wasn’t up to scratch and only lasted 2 shifts due to only changing one nappy in 7hrs during the 2nd and last shift. My then teenager Sis stepped in for a while and then another single Mum I had become close with helped out on the weekends. Our DC were the same age and we helped each other out with childcare. Our DC are adults now and are close friends.

You NEED to start planning your life without him or and visions of his flaky support. I would never push my DC on anybody who did not want them. My ex has no contact with DC1 because he did not bother. I did not encourage it or stop it. He was a loser, older and manipulative. I was young, naive and my parents were not good role models.
I told DC1 that I would be happy for them to contact him or his family once they had finished their education, as I didn’t want their studies to be negatively affected by the dysfunction. They finished Uni 2yrs ago and are still saying they do not want to bother anymore. They may change their mind one day. I will be there to support them if that’s what they choose to do.

I think if he ignores his 2 older children when they come round, he isn’t going to be interested in caring for a baby/toddler on his own.
I rarely think there is a perfect time to have a child, things go wrong in life all the time. I think if you want to have it, then have it.
My DDs childminder used to do overnights for a nurse who was a single parent, so they do exist.
I think your parents sound like they are in shock. You could have easily had children with someone and then it break down and end up single anyway (like has happened to the baby’s father). Nothing is set in stone.
Most of the single parents I know (even with small children) have ended up in better relationships and often with a better ‘father’, so there’s no saying you will be alone forever.
Good luck.

I've mentioned this much earlier on the thread and others have brought it up too. I can't stress how much of a life changer it can be.

Don't.
Put.
Him.
On.

The.
Birth.
Certificate!!!

If you do, once it's done, you can never undo it. But if you do change your mind later you can add him. Or he can apply to be on it later if he really cares - and I'd bet all my money that he doesn't.

It will pay to keep your cards close to your chest for as long as possible. Then you can slowly observe how he behaves and react accordingly. So as others have said there is no need to bring up contact now. Let it all sink in, let him behave as he will over the course of the pregnancy and you might find you feel very differently in 8 months. There is no benefit to agreeing a plan now.

When the baby is born you don't even need to mention the birth certificate. He probably won't even think about whether he's on it or not. There is a good chance your child could grow up and he would never even know he wasn't on it.

If he was on it, upside - you can chase him for child maintenance. Downside - he can try for 50/50 custody instead. He can stop you taking the child on holiday. He can stop you moving away close to your family. He can drag you in and out of court and bankrupt you in the process. He can mess you around about child contact and make your life absolute chaos. Then he can neglect the child when he's supposed to be looking after it and the courts will almost never penalise him. Even if you chase him for maintenance, he can just not pay it! The amount of men who just don't pay and face no real penalties is enormous.

If he pleasantly surprises you, win win, there is nothing stopping him seeing the child and contributing. If he doesn't, you will thank your lucky stars this man doesn't legally have 50% say over everything your child can do for 18 years.

I work in this field and the amount of narcissistic abusers who use parental responsibility to continue to harass and control their ex partners for years and years after they have left the relationship is staggering. The court system enables this abuse rather than protects you. If you don't grant him parental responsibility, you are literally buying yourself a ticket out of a two-decade-long headache.

Great, so go get your stuff (with your dad) and get the hell outta Dodge!

You are vulnerable right now, so don't give him any window to take advantage of this.

Interesting idea from @ByersRd to rent out the house, transfer stations and move to where you've got more support. Perhaps something to consider later on when all this has sunk in and you feel better able to make big decisions.

@BertieBotts I can relate so much to that. I would not have ended my abusive marriage if it weren't for MN and the amazing women on the Relationships Board supporting me, helping me see the truth about him, and that I deserved more than someone who treated me badly. It was life changing and I'm so happy now.

I think you’re all right about not putting his name on the BC, and @Doughnut100 you’ve just convinced me!! I’ll go tomorrow with my parents outside, I need two cars anyway as I’ve a bike to bring back. Will sell that as it was my Xmas present from him, use the money on something I need now. Hope you’ve all had a nice day, I’ve been for a long walk along the beach with parents, and seeing groups of families out was so hard. My dad said he worries about me and it would just be me alone pushing a buggy up and down on my own, and going home to a house alone and staying in every night. He’s really worrying about a lot, and put me in a quiet contemplative mood. I told him I’d join groups etc, still haven’t found anyone pregnant near me yet but there’s still time. It was just sad seeing kids on their daddy’s shoulders with mum with them etc, and realise that’s what I want. Feeling sad. There’s an easy way out of it all. I think I might need a few days on my own to think about the alternative, I have been so focused on definitely having the baby and getting attached that I’ve got that as a blockade to the alternative. I’m going to try imagine life the other way and see how I feel.

I definitely agree that you need at least a few days alone to think about it all.
I’m routing for you whatever you decide to do re. the pregnancy, but I’m going to be harsh now.

I’ve heard how being ill with Covid really wipes people out, but you are also responsible for the situation that you find yourself in as he categorically told you that he did not want anymore children right now. You were on the pill and you then stopped taking it because you were ill. He previously showed you and told you that he was not a good Father and you allowed yourself to get pregnant with his child. Unless you said no and he continued to force himself on you.

I gave you the benefit of the doubt re. how you got pregnant as you said you were ill with Covid, but you have enough past experience and are old enough to know that you should not have even been entertaining a loser like him let alone moving into his home so quickly, meeting his kids, watching him ignore them every other week and then allowing yourself to get pregnant. I can see how some people would assume that you got pregnant on purpose/trapped him. Only you will know if that was your plan. You’re now pregnant and he’s refusing to play ball (happy families). You cannot force people to do what you want them to do, so the ball is now firmly in your court.

I do feel sorry for you as you were clearly vulnerable before getting pregnant. I would strongly advise you to seek counselling whatever your decision re. the baby, otherwise you will continue to seek out unhealthy relationships. Please do not put yourself or any child through this in future.

It's ok to feel overwhelmed and I think it's right that you should hunker down and think about it by yourself. Stop reading this thread too if that helps! It's also ok to mourn the dream of the perfect family unit. Your parents are probably wedded to a very old fashioned idea that only a certain family can be happy / correct. Just remember that even standard families break down all the time, the myth of the perfect family can be allusive. Single motherhood can be joyous too xxx

Even if he only had them one day a week for one of my 24hr shifts at work, that would save me £220 in childcare per month. I don’t want to rely on him for money (haven’t factored in getting any maintenance from him, only what I would save if he had the LO

I can guarantee that if having his child over is for your benefit then he will come up with some excuse to mess you around.

My dad said he worries about me and it would just be me alone pushing a buggy up and down on my own, and going home to a house alone and staying in every night. He’s really worrying about a lot

OMG do you parents never stop trying to get you to bend to their will.

It is the drip drip drip in your ear about how terrible it is going to be.
Have you noticed every time you speak to them you start talking about aborting.

Wheresyourclapham

You have enough past experience and are old enough to know that you should not have even been entertaining a loser like him let alone moving into his home so quickly, meeting his kids, watching him ignore them every other week and then allowing yourself to get pregnant

The thing is I don’t think you can spot the Red Flags with your parents and their feigned support.
I think you are so used to being manipulated you don’t see what is happening till it is staring you in the face and even then it doesn’t register.

Anemone mentioned the Freedom programme. I definitely think you need to look into it.

Someone not Anemone

that was me, and I'll post the link again

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

£12 online and it will change your life for the better.

@Wheresyourclapham that was harsh. OP is 8 weeks so much further than she thought, so probably was pregnant before she got covid anyway. Stop blaming her. Pregnancy happens when people don't want it, because they are having sex. The only 100% foolproof contraceptive is abstinence. We all risk it every month by having an active sex life, even with mitigation (properly used contraception).

@Oliversmumsarmy is right. You keep swaying away from what you want whenever your parents talk to you. With kindness I will say fgs you are 35 and you need to make your own decisions in life now. Yes we all need parental love and support but not conditional upon compliance with their wishes.

Fwiw I'll say it again, I became a single parent with a young child, and although I now have a lovely partner (we don't live together) I have never felt lonely or miserable. In fact quite the opposite, I love my independence.

It makes me really annoyed to hear about the emotive pressure your dad is putting on you. Ffs walking up and down with a pram all alone. What a headfuck.

How about presenting an alternative image to him, where you, baby and grandparents all go for lovely walks on the beach (with your little dog, lol) when they come to visit. Where your dad teaches his grandchild to play football, where they bring Xmas presents, and Grandchild goes to stay with them for the summer...

Why are they not happy for you?

OP, how did it go today collecting your stuff?

Hope it wasn't too upsetting.