36 in June, pregnant with 1st after 5 months with OH who doesn’t want it

[Firegirl35]

Hi girls I’ve been reading and lurking but really need to share my situation for some advice..

I’m 35, no children and have found out I’m pregnant. I’ve been with the father just 5 months, we have had a rushed relationship as first date in July and then I moved in 2 weeks later mainly due to my house purchase falling through... I’ve now bought a house that needs some work doing and am currently still living with him.

He’s 37, has a 6 year old daughter and 8 year old son from a previous LTR which he was devastated ended in her having an affair, telling him she didn’t love him anymore and tearing the family apart. He took it hard as he was the same age as his son when the same thing happened to him. When we first got together he said he’s not against having more kids ‘one day’. His mum went on to remarry and have a baby when she was 42, so he is open to it, but also he seems to think age isn’t really a barrier.

We have the kids exactly half the week (so he doesn’t pay ex maintenance), and things have been great until a few weeks ago when his son started having sickness and anxiety at meal times.. he’s asked his dad why he’s not with mummy and even said he doesn’t want Christmas. I don’t know if going between two houses is upsetting for them, but the ex has suggested she has them more. He’s dead against this, he wants to see them more, and he also doesn’t trust that if he gave her maintenance it would actually be spent on the kids. I’m not sure if he’s controlling her with this. I have no relationship with her whatsoever, she seems a bit threatened by the bond I have with her children but I think she’s coming round. The whole situation is new and they are still figuring it out a bit.

Anyway, I tested positive for covid on Nov 30th. I’m a firefighter and once the two weeks isolation ended I still felt very ill with symptoms like fatigue and sickness that weren’t going away... so I got signed off work another 2 weeks. I tried to get anti sickness tablets prescribed, and was asked if I could be pregnant. I took 3 tests which all came back positive and it was confirmed by an out of hours GP an hour later..

I was in total shock and couldn’t stop shaking for hours. I called a male friend who has been very supportive, and I registered with a maternity unit as I wanted an early scan to date me... I think I got pregnant when I was ill, as I stopped taking the pill but we did have sex once. The week before that though I was fatigued, so I don’t know. I have ended up contacting Marie curie for a scan as I knew I could get in there quick, and they booked me in for Xmas eve. We left early but the motorway was closed and the diversion made us late for the appointment, so they wouldn’t see me :(

I told my partner a few days ago, and his reaction was “for fcuk sake”. Then “what are you going to do?” He’s since made it very clear to me in several heartfelt conversations how he feels about it all, that it was wrong as it was a very bad time, he’s still getting his head around the situation he’s in and the fall out from it, the kids aren’t totally settled yet (more his son), and he always swore that if he had kids again it would be when everything was totally right as he wouldn’t want to bring another “broken person” into the world as he puts it. He said that everyone else would think the same, and that it’s just a pill. His ex terminated their third which he was against at the time but thinks they would struggle to cope as they would have had two young ones.. His opinion of abortions now is that they are fine, as she was fine with having the medical one. And he says he’s glad as that’s one less kid he would have messed up. He tells me it wouldn’t work as he knows he’s not ready for another baby now, that it’s Horrific and you need to be rock solid. I think he believes that I will 99% get rid of it, after a frosty day or so we’ve been getting on better even making jokes, but that’s because he thinks I’m definitely having an abortion. If I say something against that, then it’s “I don’t want to argue” “we keep going over it” or “it’s doing my head in”

For me-
I had a surgical abortion at 7 weeks when I was 24. I had only been with the guy 4 months and he lived 200 miles away, he was fairly happy and we were going to keep it but I was scared as I was young, living in a flat with a girlfriend, suffering badly with an eating disorder, and extreme sickness. I told my parents and my mum went mental, made me feel stupid and like a kid and that it was a mistake and I wouldn’t cope. So I ended up going to a clinic, coming away as I couldn’t do it, facing the wrath from my mum and going back to have it. It fcuked me up for years, I went through phases of being completely obsessed with babies to deciding I wanted absolutely nothing to do with them (then my decision was justified). I moved to be with my partner, secretly hated my mum for two years it took me to forgive her in my head. I was with my partner for 8 years, so it would have probably worked out and we only split when I decided to become a firefighter and he didn’t want to move away again.

I told myself at the time of the abortion that I would never do that again. But also as I’ve got older I’ve seen the rough side of life with kids so have a realistic view which makes me appreciate time I’ve had single/free. I know babies/families are hard work, but I see myself with one in the future. (Near or distant not sure). It’s really hard being a step mum/friend figure to my OHs two , and makes me want my own. I missed out on the baby stage and toddlers... ill also never be the one they want when they’re ill, and mums Xmas dinner trumps ours, they want to stay at mums Xmas eve etc... the mum always wins. It hurts. I feel like I love them like my own but I don’t get them if that makes sense, and it makes the pain of not having my own more. I thought before I got pregnant, if it doesn’t work out with me and OH (haven’t been happy with his behaviour- he’s quite lazy, dirty etc round the house, doesn’t pay me compliments, and he’s only an ok dad, he does provide and cook for them and they don’t go without much, but he’d be happy to have DS in a dirty jumper, and sometimes I think he interacts with the dog more than he does me/the kids! Both his other two were unplanned when ex was on the pill, but I think he thinks she planned it , and it’s possible he thinks that now although I have told him I forgot the pill as I was so ill with covid (the sex was consensual btw, no forced sex).

I’m stuck because my heart wants the baby, but I know logically and sensibly it’s not the right time at all. OH said he wants to enjoy life with me more first- go on a holiday together, get each of our houses sorted, have the kids see our relationship develop before bringing a baby into it. But I’m the one who would have to live with it afterwards. And I’ll be 36 when the baby is born, what if this is my last chance? I can get my house completed in a few months so that will be straight, and although my parents live 200 miles away they miss me and both retired last year so I think they would move down into the 2nd bedroom, if I had to do it alone and we split up. I’ve not told them because of the drama of last time, and don’t want either to tell me to abort because we’ve not been together long. I wanted to make my own mind up and tell them at 3 months when they would have to accept it. My dad is turning 70 in April and my mum 65, this would be their first grandchild and I worked out I would be able to tell them the gender for their birthdays. My girlfriends are supportive of me whatever I decide. I’m the first in our small group to be pregnant and they are all single. I keep thinking, if I abort and we split up down the line, it might be too late to find someone and have a baby with them. On the other hand, if I don’t abort and we split up, at least I’ve got my baby/family and I won’t be too old to find someone new to have a relationship with. If they had kids too I wouldn’t feel like I’m missing out if I didn’t have one as I would have one. But also, I fell pregnant after one incident when 24, and probably only a few now, so if I waited to see if this is the right person, and build up more foundation with him it might not be too late, however I’ll never know.

This is the most difficult decision. I have an appointment at Marie stopes on the 29th for everything- due to them not seeing me on 24th- a scan, medical questionnaire, counselling and the procedure itself if I want to go through with it then. If I don’t I have to wait till 7th jan.
I’m so torn :( Any advice or insights would be much appreciated Thankyou so much

The whole rant sounds bizarre.

Why would a guy who was trying to sell you a house take him aside and tell him you were a selfish free loader

Why would his ex who you have never met have an opinion on you above him moving you in very quickly and her being worried about the speed of things.

I do laugh at inappropriate times and for this rant I think I would have laughed in his face.

As for telling everyone about you, do you not think privately they can see through his veneer and have their own opinions on him.

There is a big world out there, there is nothing really keeping you in the area long term. You can move anywhere and the fact he has shown his true colours I would capitalise on and get him to agree that he never contacts you or your child again.

At least that would be one less manipulative controlling person in your life

Why would you abort a much wanted baby just to prove to someone you really don’t have a relationship with that you aren’t selfish and can do as you are told.

Tomorrow I would be getting a plumber to fix the boiler, packing your bags to move into your house or if there is no heating going into a small Airbnb till it is fixed.

I wouldn’t stay around anyone who had made his feelings clear.

just move out as soon as is possible . i had a feeling hed turn mean , theres nothing he can do to make you have an abortion ,so now hes getting nasty , unless you actually heard his mum say that about you , then it could be just him mouthing off , if she has said that then thats how hes got to be the arse he is . dont worry , just remember let him say what he likes , just dont say anything back , sooner or later he will make himself look like a prick and people will wake up and smell the coffee , thats if he actually does do it . i honestly think hes shitting himself about looking like the bad guy here . i mean gets live in gf pregnant and wont step up ,only way she can keep it is to have to leave , ya know , doesnt make him look much of a bloody man now does it ? hes a dirtbag and now he cant get what he wants the true colours are coming out , dont condone affairs , but im betting there was a good reason the ex had one . iv got a feeling she was miserable with him , now just get out of his place and into your own asap

your latest update just refreshed. What a shit he is.

He is an abusive arsehole. Please leave his house in the morning with your stuff. You need to get away from this toxic man. Don't let his threats get to you. He is weak, desperate and nasty.

Oh my god, he's going to tell all the hairdressers in town!? Does he think they're some kind of blow dry mafia? You'd better be very careful or you'll find yourself given a mullet next time you go for a trim. And somebody whose house you didn't buy thinks something about you? What the actual fuck? He SAID that? Is that the way he tries to have a serious conversation about becoming a father again? And do any of those irrelevant people actually give any shit whether you have a baby or not?
What a pathetic silly little man.
I really hope you leave his house tonight and settle in your own home. Buy a fan heater until the boiler is fixed. You dont need any more hot air from him.
Keep calm. Get free and start living.

perhaps you could have a chat with struggling single low income mothers and ask them

Hello! I need to begin by saying I am not a ‘struggling single mother’ I am a single mother with a career, just like you. I worked part-time until DS started school and now work 4 days a week.
When I found out I was expecting DS I was a bit horrified to be honest, but I couldn’t abort so i had to get on with it. His father was vile and a shit, so I did it alone (whilst fielding his fuckwittery) I won’t lie the pregnancy was a bit of a sad/dark time.
But, even though his father is undeniably a grade A twat DS is the best thing ever. He isn’t his father he is DS and looking back now I can’t believe how lucky I am to have him.
Yes it can be hard, sometimes we all need to vent (which is possibly what you have seen on the single parents board) but I honestly don’t think I have it any harder than any dual parent households, the good and the not so good of each seem to balance each other out.
Dump the numpty man and continue with the pregnancy of you want to, yes it’s hard at times, having a baby is hard always hard at times, don’t be bullied into making a decision.
You can do this if you want to, you don’t need anyone else’s permission.

I am a single parent who struggled.
It's a beautiful struggle and was the making of me.

My mum told me "if you have this baby we are finished" and was/is pretty unsupportive.
I keep her at arms length.

Had to work and study.
Little support... I had to pay for it... Childcare, babysitters etc.
Made a host of friends along the way.

You don't have to sacrifice your wanted pregnancy at anothers altar.
We are not living in the old testament.

Move away from those not in your corner. Walk away from the bullies. You don't need to defend yourself.

Cheek of him informing you a bunch of randoms are sagging you off, he's smearing you and it's probably lies anyway. Desparate clown trying to dish non existant dirt.
How did you keep a straight face!
His communication is incincere at best, and I wouldn't take anything he has to say seriously from now on.

Through your baby you will get to meet loads of like minded good people.

This is your life, your story.
You get to decide.
End of.

That man is a lying piece of trash! What guy goes around telling people he got his girlfriend pregnant but that she’s selfish and evil because she won’t terminate?? Makes him look like douche bag of the year! As a previous poster said, I’m not surprised his wife left him! You need to run as fast as you can away from that vile creature.

Please don’t let this make you doubt your decision about baby. You’ve been so strong and brave to this point. Move back to yours ASAP. In the long run it doesn’t really matter what anyone thinks of you - keep your head up. You know all the nasty things he said about you aren’t true, so he can go straight to hell. And as for kids being expensive, he’s a tight ass so of course he’s focused on the money side. For the first year you literally need nappies, wipes and breastmilk/formula. Lots of baby gear can be bought cheaply or second hand, etc. And all that logistical stuff eventually will work itself out. He really is the lowest of the low trying to bully you into terminating. No decent human being should ever put another person through the turmoil he’s put you through while you are carrying his child! Good riddance to him!

OP move out as soon as possible he is vicious.

His threats are empty bad mouth you to his clients...... Who do you think will look worse the woman who couldn't go through with an abortion and is raising a child on their own or the father that abandoned his pregnant gf because she wouldn't go through with what he wanted?! Even not knowing anyone it's him who looks bad something which he probably realises so is trying to bully you.

It's up to his family if they wish to behave like that but he needs to accept responsibility for his part.

As for babies are expensive yes and no. Only new things you need are a mattress and a car seat everything else can be second hand (I buy most of my sons stuff second hand because its ridiculous). Breastfeeding is free and their are cheaper alternatives to pampers or you can use cloth nappies which you pay for once (also a big second hand market) and just wash.

You do need to look at your works maternity policy save as much as possible to cover when on SMP and a childminder is cheaper than nurseries.

OP, ignore that absolute shit you were with, you will be a great mum and honestly, you have dodged a bullet! Think of him as a sperm donor from now on. If a hairdresser decided to start mouthing off to me about how he had been ‘trapped’ and thrown the teddy out of the cot because he couldn’t force his partner to have an abortion I would tell him where to go. He is a disgrace. You are obviously a very capable person with a house, a good career and a supportive group of friends. You will be a great role model for your little one. I’m 9 weeks with my second at the moment so due at a similar time to you.

Well look at the positives here .... he's shown you his true colours and how he claims to view you. You really have had a lucky escape. Could you imagine staying with him now you've seen who he really is?!!!!!
Stick two fingers up at his childish threats to talk about you behind your back to clients etc because that just shows what a pathetic bully he really is. Just ignore.
I'd pack my things and never look back. Don't put him on the birth certificate. Cut this piece of rubbish out of your life and enjoy your beautiful baby. They only need you

You poor thing OP to have to withstand this barrage of abuse.

You have got this far, if you bend to his will now you will always know you only terminated to appease an abuser.

But I believe in you. You've got this. Keep that head high.

Get out of his house NOW. And ignore his petulant threats. Ooh, the village hairdresser is going to tell his pals you're nasty! So bloody what. His desperation is obvious. Trying to recruit the community as his little abortion army. He is the one that will come off looking like a monster here.

I know everything probably feels enormous at the moment because you are facing it alone, but it's really not that big a deal to leave the village if you want. Even if you have to sell or rent out a house you just bought. Shit happens. You are strong and this will make you even stronger. You can move mountains, nothing is out of the question.

I hope you can carve out a little time and space for yourself in the next few days away from all the negativity to have a rest and allow yourself to enjoy the beautiful fact that you are pregnant. It's awesome that you are already 8 weeks, you're already 66% through the first trimester and that's the most nerve wracking part where you feel most sick. Treasure the knowledge you have a little baby inside you who is wanted.

I bet he hasn't even told his family! He's just telling you what he wants them to say. He's a low life. If my hairdresser starting sagging his pregnant ex girlfriend off like that it'd be him that I had a low opinion of, not you.
You can do this. You and your baby and your friends. I know we are only strangers on the Internet, but I'm sure at least one of us lives by you. If you lived by me I'd 100% be in your corner supporting you all the way to do anything to make that scumbag see that he's wrong. You can do this. He knows you can and that's why he's trying all these nasty tactics now

Hi girls, Thankyou for being in my corner, just a very quick update, I stayed the night as somehow I thought it would make it worse if I left there and then (obviously I know it’s 100% over with him I’d not go anywhere near him, but more the next day now). I think I had a dream that he had his hand over my mouth and I thought would he really do that? Try and harm the baby? I don’t think so but I’m getting out today, and actually my mum has been mega supportive!!!! She’s told me neither her or dad ever liked him and that there’s red flags everywhere, she could tell he’s insincere and fake the first time she met him and she won’t hold back telling me what she thinks of another man next time. She’s also not said any more about an abortion, and I think she’s coming round as I was mentioning practical things I could do to make it easier- like get a lodger, work closer to home. Then I told her about all this and it didn’t make her say it’s better to cut all ties including the baby. That’s how I’ve been feeling in bed last night, and fuzzy headed.

I’ve just been shaking uncontrollably... He has a key to my house and I decided last night I can’t leave until I’ve got that back, but he keeps his keys next to him in bed so I couldn’t get it last night, so today would be about sneaking that back and then staying out tonight, returning tomorrow to get all my things. He’s in work tomorrow and my parents are going to come down, so this is a good plan.

Well I got up before him, had a shower and started writing this downstairs, he came downstairs for the toilet so I went back up and took the key off the bunch! He was walking up the stairs as I was faffing getting it off my hearts never been beating so much. I feel like everything I do now is playing a wise game to keep safe, but do I really want to be looking over my shoulder all my life? Will it come to that? The home I’ve bought is a lovely home for a family, I’m close to the sea here with good weather, a child could have a lovely upbringing here. And close to work I’d really not want to move, especially coz of him

I’ll keep posting. I’m letting work know what’s been happening today when I’m safe to talk

@Mseddy Thankyou means a lot. Just imagine if all you lovely ladies lived near me!!! We’d be invincible I hope I do find someone locally, as my strength wanes in front of him. He’s a classic textbook narc I should have trusted my gut when he was love bombing me

Just read through the whole thread and wanted to say well done! It sounds like you are absolutely making the right decision for you - yes it will be hard at times but it's clear that the relationship would not have survived even if you had had an abortion. At least this way you have your chance to have a baby. The "fairytale" set-up happens for some, but even then it's not guaranteed to last, let's face it. Sometimes you have to take a gamble and trust that everything will work out.

Well done for getting the key!! It also sounds like your mum is coming around a bit, which is great. From what you've posted she isn't the easiest character and I'd be prepared for her to turn on you again at some point, but I'd also take the support while it's being offered.

Don't worry too much about what your now-ex has said by the way. It's exactly the sort of thing that would freak me out but really, who cares if a few people you don't even know think badly of you? Also, the story about you having got pregnant to trap him doesn't exactly hold water if you take the initiative to end it and move out, does it? So he will end up looking like an idiot. Stay strong!

Op you'll be amazed how many new moms you'll meet during pregnancy and your baby's first year. Look into different classes you could do. I did the NCT antenatal classes and still friends with all the mommies it's an amazing support group esp when you have babies the same age. Think of this as a positive you have your whole pregnancy to plan an save knowing what this man is like instead of him springing it on you once the baby is here. Well done OP your doing the right thing xx

I’m feeling very unconfident and shaky. At mine now. I’ve just asked his best friend if I can have my spare house key back and he said my ex didn’t give it back to him... so I’m hoping it’s this one on the side.
I’ve got some essentials from the shop, and my pregnancy vitamins arrived at mine just now. Feeling massively different to yesterday and very anxious/frightened. I know that’s not good for baby. I spent 18 months in an abusive relationship then another 18 months where he was hoovering me/contacting etc and it took me all that time to get my confidence back and feel strong again, my nerves were shot to shit. I had already felt myself go into my shell in this current relationship, and I don’t know if I can cope with feeling weak and anxious all my life, that’s not really me but is what these abusers do to you. I wrote a list last night of all the red flags and it’s ridiculous! Is it cruel to bring a baby into the world who’s dad hates and resents it? When the child is older and has no relationship with him, won’t they blame me and ask why did I have them if I knew it would be like this? More likely if they feel like they’re missing out, eg as a teenager and not going on nice foreign holidays, or me not being able to afford all the latest designer gear/trainers for them. The very person that I would be doing this for could come to hate me, then I’d have absolutely nothing. I feel like it’s such a gamble. He’s not going to go away or make my life easy. I know it would be his loss. But I don’t even want my LO to have anything to do with him, he’s not a great dad and I’d be worried they were being ignored at his. But I can’t stop him seeing them. If he took me to court would he have to pay? That might put him off. He’s a very resentful person and holds a grudge, still slagging his ex off two years later... he’s not ever going to get over this

Re: meeting new mums and antenatal classes, I checked that other day and they are currently all online due to covid! It would be June before I could go (is that right you go two months before due date?) so hopefully they would be back on by then...

I’m starting to disengage from the pregnancy

My best friend doesn't know his Dad and he is one of the most amazing people I know! Don't worry about things you can't control and take one day at a time.

A child is not going to resent you when you have been there every day. As long as your open and honest and don't slag off the dad there is zero reason.

He has said he doesn't want anything to do with it so unlikely to take you to court but yes most likely he would have to pay court costs for access agreements unless he qualified for legal aid which they changed the rules a lot about.
This is all very much ifs and very far future aspects.

Can you call a friend to come around/ go for a walk with? It's not surprising you feel shaky he has been very vile to you.

Teenager years are very very far away and lots can change between now and then who knows you might meet that rich man your mum wants you to?!
Concentrate on here and now and reread your own posts from yesterday about visualising your home with your baby.

Big hugs it's completely normal to go through a roller-coaster of emotions.

I’ve just got off phone from my manager he’s being amazingly supportive, he said he’s had to tell the station leader and the HR business partner for female input too in how best to support me. He’s said I can still have a baby and keep my career, I know that right? Not to worry at all about shifts as he’s got all my January shifts covered, that I’m not alone, people are asking after me (they all think I’m off due to Covid), and to keep him updated. If I continue with the pregnancy they will have me come in on a phased return to work on modified duties (desk), and it’s up to me where I want that if I want to stay at my current station for familiar faces around. He said things can work out and having a baby could be the making of me. To ring the police if I feel unsafe and to keep him informed... The HRBP is very kind and called him today for an update on me even though she’s off work today, she’s due to phone me tomorrow so I can ask her about maternity policies etc and returning to work (like if I couldn’t get child care overnight could I do more days and no nights- I don’t know how night shifts would work when I return ). I’m due another call from the Marie Stopes counsellor after 1 today xx And my parents are driving down so will be here by tonight!!
I think I need to make some local, supportive friends ASAP who would be better placed to pop round than my current girlfriends who sadly are all over my county! It’s only with support of others that I feel I can do it. But that was a very positive conversation. And I’ll feel safer when my parents are here

Hey @Firegirl35 I’ve been reading your posts and rooting for you and I’m so glad you didn’t let anyone bully you into making this decision one way or another. I’m not going to repeat the millions of comments on here about how strong and brave you have been so far, you know you have. But what actually made me write to you now is your worries about the baby resenting you for bringing it into this world?!
I understand you are feeling all sorts of ways right now, but let me tell you this is highly unlikely to be the case at all. Please listen to all the ladies who have gone it alone and advocated the strong bond they have developed with their child.

My father broke it off with my mum when she was pregnant with me, she had to come back to a tiny flat to live with her parents and her sister. My father showed no interest. Do you think I for a second resented her for bringing me into this world? Never. My mum is my hero, she sacrificed so much, she worked hard to give me certain things, but also taught me independence through it, taught me care and respect for those senior me and women in general. She was stronger than she realised or gave herself credit for and no, we didn’t have all latest brands etc, and maybe back in my time it mattered less anyway and I didn’t grow up in the UK, but she gave me love and care and friendship like no other and life experiences.This is far more valuable than material things. In fact, if anything, she taught me material things matter less, for which I am grateful. There were times when we lived on instant noodles, but meant we could maybe save up for a holiday or new items for school, and do you think I resent her for not having enough money or I resent those memories? Not for a second, they taught me to be stronger and made me appreciate her more and everything she did for me. It also taught me you have to work hard for things you want in life and to not expect handouts.
And please don’t get disengaged with the pregnancy either, the NCT groups will hopefully start up face to face by the time you need to attend them and even if they are via zoom, no reason why you can’t then make connections and contact offline/in real life. But I think there is option for private NCT, not sure if they are much different..
You have just gone through an incredibly though time, with immense amount of negative pressure on you and you emerged at the other end standing your ground. The timing of it being Christmas and NYE is also not ideal. So please give yourself a break and do something that would make you feel better, just for yourself. Sort out the boiler/heating issue, maybe get a little heater, get snug under a blanket with a hot choc and a movie or a cheesy programme and just switch off. Have some “me time” and don’t think about the outside world or the horrible narcissistic bully of an ex. This is the start of a new chapter in your life, there will be plenty of ups and downs, but right now, try to get cosy and imagine your new home with the little one in. Do something for you. Things will fall into place. Things will be fine. Sending many hugs.

I’m sorry for the long essay, it just made me so sad reading your worries about the child resenting you.
Oh and if you’re worried about the key situation - change the locks :) I’m glad your parents are driving down, so there will be someone to look after you.

Oh what a lovely post! @Youarestrong (great name!). 🥲 Thankyou so much for commenting, your words meant a lot. I hadn’t considered that perspective before regarding your feelings for your mum but you have given me something positive and hopeful to hold on to. Thankyou

Most of the single mums I know have children who don’t have a father on the scene.
I don’t know one of them who say their dc resent them for not having a father around
It isn’t something they miss.

I wouldn’t write off foreign holidays or designer clothes. You don’t know what position you will be in 10 years from now.
You could be married to a wonderful guy with another child and be holidaying in Barbados at every opportunity

Just whatever you do look out for those Red Flags, not just in potential partners but friends and other people who come in to your life