36 in June, pregnant with 1st after 5 months with OH who doesn’t want it

[Firegirl35]

Hi girls I’ve been reading and lurking but really need to share my situation for some advice..

I’m 35, no children and have found out I’m pregnant. I’ve been with the father just 5 months, we have had a rushed relationship as first date in July and then I moved in 2 weeks later mainly due to my house purchase falling through... I’ve now bought a house that needs some work doing and am currently still living with him.

He’s 37, has a 6 year old daughter and 8 year old son from a previous LTR which he was devastated ended in her having an affair, telling him she didn’t love him anymore and tearing the family apart. He took it hard as he was the same age as his son when the same thing happened to him. When we first got together he said he’s not against having more kids ‘one day’. His mum went on to remarry and have a baby when she was 42, so he is open to it, but also he seems to think age isn’t really a barrier.

We have the kids exactly half the week (so he doesn’t pay ex maintenance), and things have been great until a few weeks ago when his son started having sickness and anxiety at meal times.. he’s asked his dad why he’s not with mummy and even said he doesn’t want Christmas. I don’t know if going between two houses is upsetting for them, but the ex has suggested she has them more. He’s dead against this, he wants to see them more, and he also doesn’t trust that if he gave her maintenance it would actually be spent on the kids. I’m not sure if he’s controlling her with this. I have no relationship with her whatsoever, she seems a bit threatened by the bond I have with her children but I think she’s coming round. The whole situation is new and they are still figuring it out a bit.

Anyway, I tested positive for covid on Nov 30th. I’m a firefighter and once the two weeks isolation ended I still felt very ill with symptoms like fatigue and sickness that weren’t going away... so I got signed off work another 2 weeks. I tried to get anti sickness tablets prescribed, and was asked if I could be pregnant. I took 3 tests which all came back positive and it was confirmed by an out of hours GP an hour later..

I was in total shock and couldn’t stop shaking for hours. I called a male friend who has been very supportive, and I registered with a maternity unit as I wanted an early scan to date me... I think I got pregnant when I was ill, as I stopped taking the pill but we did have sex once. The week before that though I was fatigued, so I don’t know. I have ended up contacting Marie curie for a scan as I knew I could get in there quick, and they booked me in for Xmas eve. We left early but the motorway was closed and the diversion made us late for the appointment, so they wouldn’t see me :(

I told my partner a few days ago, and his reaction was “for fcuk sake”. Then “what are you going to do?” He’s since made it very clear to me in several heartfelt conversations how he feels about it all, that it was wrong as it was a very bad time, he’s still getting his head around the situation he’s in and the fall out from it, the kids aren’t totally settled yet (more his son), and he always swore that if he had kids again it would be when everything was totally right as he wouldn’t want to bring another “broken person” into the world as he puts it. He said that everyone else would think the same, and that it’s just a pill. His ex terminated their third which he was against at the time but thinks they would struggle to cope as they would have had two young ones.. His opinion of abortions now is that they are fine, as she was fine with having the medical one. And he says he’s glad as that’s one less kid he would have messed up. He tells me it wouldn’t work as he knows he’s not ready for another baby now, that it’s Horrific and you need to be rock solid. I think he believes that I will 99% get rid of it, after a frosty day or so we’ve been getting on better even making jokes, but that’s because he thinks I’m definitely having an abortion. If I say something against that, then it’s “I don’t want to argue” “we keep going over it” or “it’s doing my head in”

For me-
I had a surgical abortion at 7 weeks when I was 24. I had only been with the guy 4 months and he lived 200 miles away, he was fairly happy and we were going to keep it but I was scared as I was young, living in a flat with a girlfriend, suffering badly with an eating disorder, and extreme sickness. I told my parents and my mum went mental, made me feel stupid and like a kid and that it was a mistake and I wouldn’t cope. So I ended up going to a clinic, coming away as I couldn’t do it, facing the wrath from my mum and going back to have it. It fcuked me up for years, I went through phases of being completely obsessed with babies to deciding I wanted absolutely nothing to do with them (then my decision was justified). I moved to be with my partner, secretly hated my mum for two years it took me to forgive her in my head. I was with my partner for 8 years, so it would have probably worked out and we only split when I decided to become a firefighter and he didn’t want to move away again.

I told myself at the time of the abortion that I would never do that again. But also as I’ve got older I’ve seen the rough side of life with kids so have a realistic view which makes me appreciate time I’ve had single/free. I know babies/families are hard work, but I see myself with one in the future. (Near or distant not sure). It’s really hard being a step mum/friend figure to my OHs two , and makes me want my own. I missed out on the baby stage and toddlers... ill also never be the one they want when they’re ill, and mums Xmas dinner trumps ours, they want to stay at mums Xmas eve etc... the mum always wins. It hurts. I feel like I love them like my own but I don’t get them if that makes sense, and it makes the pain of not having my own more. I thought before I got pregnant, if it doesn’t work out with me and OH (haven’t been happy with his behaviour- he’s quite lazy, dirty etc round the house, doesn’t pay me compliments, and he’s only an ok dad, he does provide and cook for them and they don’t go without much, but he’d be happy to have DS in a dirty jumper, and sometimes I think he interacts with the dog more than he does me/the kids! Both his other two were unplanned when ex was on the pill, but I think he thinks she planned it , and it’s possible he thinks that now although I have told him I forgot the pill as I was so ill with covid (the sex was consensual btw, no forced sex).

I’m stuck because my heart wants the baby, but I know logically and sensibly it’s not the right time at all. OH said he wants to enjoy life with me more first- go on a holiday together, get each of our houses sorted, have the kids see our relationship develop before bringing a baby into it. But I’m the one who would have to live with it afterwards. And I’ll be 36 when the baby is born, what if this is my last chance? I can get my house completed in a few months so that will be straight, and although my parents live 200 miles away they miss me and both retired last year so I think they would move down into the 2nd bedroom, if I had to do it alone and we split up. I’ve not told them because of the drama of last time, and don’t want either to tell me to abort because we’ve not been together long. I wanted to make my own mind up and tell them at 3 months when they would have to accept it. My dad is turning 70 in April and my mum 65, this would be their first grandchild and I worked out I would be able to tell them the gender for their birthdays. My girlfriends are supportive of me whatever I decide. I’m the first in our small group to be pregnant and they are all single. I keep thinking, if I abort and we split up down the line, it might be too late to find someone and have a baby with them. On the other hand, if I don’t abort and we split up, at least I’ve got my baby/family and I won’t be too old to find someone new to have a relationship with. If they had kids too I wouldn’t feel like I’m missing out if I didn’t have one as I would have one. But also, I fell pregnant after one incident when 24, and probably only a few now, so if I waited to see if this is the right person, and build up more foundation with him it might not be too late, however I’ll never know.

This is the most difficult decision. I have an appointment at Marie stopes on the 29th for everything- due to them not seeing me on 24th- a scan, medical questionnaire, counselling and the procedure itself if I want to go through with it then. If I don’t I have to wait till 7th jan.
I’m so torn :( Any advice or insights would be much appreciated Thankyou so much

I'm so glad you had a positive experience at the clinic - what a lovely counsellor.

We will be v pleased to welcome you back to the August thread whenever you are ready! There was another mum in there today worried about a positive COVID test so I'm sure you could offer reassurance.

And the ladies on the Relationships forum are lovely if you would like support from that angle. Put a link to your Relationships thread from here and we'll all come over and cheerlead you there.

Hope your ok OP x

Oh how wonderful to be welcoming me back Thankyou @BertieBotts!! I’ve posted before on Relationships many years ago and yes found them helpful and honest!! I’ll be sure to hunt out the covid lady also.. but both medical people I spoke to said the baby was so protected in there that it would be unaffected. Maybe she could think of it more like a bad case of the flu? 🤔

I’ve been sleeping all day and when I woke up I had completely forgotten where I was and what’s happening, then when I remembered I felt overwhelmed. It doesn’t feel like my life.

I’ve just told my mum too (over text) and await her response...

Btw, I’ve been gone for my walk/drive more than 5 hours and he hasn’t checked where I am or if I’m ok

My mum has replied again including we don’t want you to struggle, and He doesn’t want it, there will be hard times but good too, and as long as I know that they can’t (won’t) help me financially (tactic to persuade me to abort). When I replied and said I would have to make sacrifices she said not all mums have to make sacrifices (she married for money), and now has just said it’s a lot for her to get her head around, being told I hated her for 2 years and knowing the hardships I’ll be having on my own is going to take time.

This isn’t about her and her feelings right now. Yes I hated her, and if I thought I had another abortion for her and never went on to have children I would DETEST her.

I still feel like she is trying to subtly manipulate me still, and she’s certainly not said that she will support me in any way shape or form.

I’ll leave it with them a while. Next is to go back to His house and face whatever he has to throw at me after his thinking time too

"This isn’t about her and her feelings right now. "

I love that you are now able to see this. She never will of course, from her perspective this is all about her, but good on you.
I'm so sorry that you are being put under such duress by the very people you should be able to lean on during difficult times, but you are clearly a tough cookie, so I have no doubt you and your wee one are going to be just fine :) Congratulations

Keep mom at arms left for now OP if you don't feel you can trust her, look after yourself and that beautiful little baby. It will be interesting to see how her behaviours change once your past the 1st trimester and announcing the pregnancy to friends/ family. Remember this is your one shot of life not her second re run through you, at the end of he day it's not her that has to live with the consequences of doing what she wants xx

Well done for being strong!
All mums make sacrifices be it financial, social, hobbies or holidays!
Your doing the right thing by leaving things with her I think she will soon realise that it's your decision not hers. Like I say few grandparents continue behaving the same way when their grandchild comes along!

All the best for this evening and your partner.

@Firegirl35

Oh Thankyou everyone SO much, you have no idea what your support has meant to me when faced with pressure and opposition from all sides in RL (aside from my girlfriends!) Without your input raising me up and the midwife supporting me as she did today there’s no way I would have had the strength I don’t think, and I would be coming away today with a different decision. I know I’ve not made the easy choice and both paths are hard. There’s no way to see the future either. But I just couldn’t do it because I didn’t want to. Not again.

I told him that I had started crying uncontrollably when she started the scan, had a panic attack and didn’t stop shaking. She counselled me and I just didn’t want to be there and couldn’t go through with it. I think I might have said sorry 😬 that I know it’s not what he wanted and it’s not how I planned it either, but I know what I can cope with and I couldn’t go through. I also said I was further along than I thought at 8 weeks... He was silent and put the keys in the car. He looked quite angry/disappointed and said “I don’t want another kid” to that I said I know you don’t and I understand that, so you don’t have to be involved. He just said “Great” sarcastically and then we drove home in absolute silence it was awful. He kept sighing every now and then. We got home and looked into each other’s eyes for the first time, he then said he was going to pick up the kids so when he left I had toast and text to say I was going out to clear my head and give him space. I’ve come to my house and reading/writing this in car, I’m going to go in and visualise my home with a little one in it :)

I’ve not yet told parents and don’t want to for a moment... nor did they message in morning to wish me well/say they were thinking of me or anything. I know mum will be waiting by the phone though.

My northern friend has said he will come down as soon as he can to stay with me for a bit, probably February.

Shit is still yet to hit the fan with my parents, his, then his ex and kids... I think I will feel better once I move out.

well i think you now know that to have an abortion and stick with him hoping in a year or 2 he will change his mind is never going to happen. when he said i dont want another kid he meant it for now and in the future , hes got the raving arse of course because he knows hes on his own now and you will walk away , he will have to actually look after his kids he insists on having for half a week . its best to move out as soon as possible now , glad your mind is clearer x

I think the relationship's over whatever op. Don't like the comment about not trusting what his ex would do with maintenance. Her buying food and paying her rent counts as looking after the children. What does he think she'd do with it? Always take note of how someone treats and speaks about their ex, if it's terribly, it's generally a red flag. I think in your shoes, having had a bad experience last time and being the age you are, I'd end it with him and go ahead and have the baby alone without asking him for anything. Much as I wouldn't want to be tied to him, if you go ahead strongly and confidently on your own and don't hinder or help his involvement, it might be the best option.

Firstly, I am sorry you are going through this.

Please keep this baby, you clearly want it. The fact that you have already calculated when to announce says it all.

Your DP does not sound very nice, but don’t let how he is being rob you of being a mother. You want to be a mother, so you WILL be. You don’t have to stay with him.

People do get pregnant at 35+ but it is unfortunately a bit risky to rely on the fact it may happen another time.

You sound a very independent lady. Please don’t worry about practical things such as money, you will work it out. If you become a single mother, there will be some benefits you are entitled to. It also sounds like you have a great support network or friends and family.

Screw this guy and don’t let him ruin your blessing.

Sorry if it seems rude about him but just sick of seeing men always being the ones in charge when it comes to women in their 30’s having babies.

Well done for standing up for what you wanted. I do think it's the right choice for you. Don't forget to look at entitledto.com and get a calculation of how much universal credit you will get when the baby is born. You can do 3 calculations a day from each device you have, so you can gradually work out different scenarios ie working 16 hours or 30 hours pw (I've no idea why it only lets you use it 3 times a day)

Hope your partner isn't too much of an arse tonight. Oh and by the way, Congratulations 👶💕

Congratulations @Firegirl35 . You're going to be a mum!

I think you should probably leave OH (ex OH?) and your parents alone for a few days to get over their anger that they can't control you in the way they want. Now take some time out to look after yourself. Be as kind to yourself as you'd have liked them to be and as kind as you will be to your own little one in time to come. Get some pregnancy treats of your choosing (chocolate? Putting your feet up and watching some chick-flicks? Some new stretchy clothes in the sales?) Then spend a bit of time to wallow in your pregnancy. Enjoy that amazingly weird and wonderful thought that a person is going to grow inside you and relax. You'll be a great mum.

You sound so much stronger already, @Firegirl35. You can see yourself how manipulative and self-centred your mum is being and how inappropriate this is of her. You get to focus all on yourself and your sweet baby now. I'm so pleased for you and agree with PP that even if there may still be challenges ahead you will be an amazing mum and get through them with your own strength! x

You have had to face a lot of relationship turmoil these last few days. That’s huge. And a new relationship started between a mother and her baby. Congratulations!

It’s gone very badly tonight, almost moved out. We are definitely over but some of the things he said were horrible.. I’ll write again tomorrow when I can. He told his mum who hit the roof, said I was scheming and did it on purpose, he’s called me selfish and a free loader, that he was warned about me (by the person who’s house I didn’t end up buying due to structural issues) and his first ex who’s never even met me, and that I was going to ruin his children’s lives, that it was ridiculous, I would really bring a child into the world without a father? I said if I have to, I’ll be both mother and father to which he laughed and said I have no idea, and how selfish that is. I also have no idea how expensive babies are and the cost of running a house, how was I going to do it with my parents not around? When I said my friends supported me he said what friends, those fake friends you bought off the internet? (They are real friends!! My best girlfriends who I met through a meet up group and so what?!! They are my best friends), he said I’d planned it and tricked him, why did we even bother going the clinic when I was never going to have the abortion? What a waste of time etc, and that I’d done it once before why can’t I do it again. He’s going to badmouth me now to all his hairdressing clients and we live in a small town where I don’t know anyone! So no one to vouch for my character etc. I feel trapped and like it’s got even worse as his fairly large family clearly think I’m a scheming bitch, will be spreading that around and there’ll be all sorts said about me. He’s well connected. If he lived in a different town I wouldn’t be so concerned. I’m feeling backed into a corner again. Maybe it Is the best thing to abort, what kind of life would it be for a child with such a hateful resentful father? I think he might have even said that’s how he felt. He wants nothing to do with it and is fuming that I’m still pregnant. His family don’t know me enough to know the real me and will only go by his lies and manipulation

Wow.... just wow! He's seriously upped his game on the bullying front hasn't he. You are now seeing who he truly is. All this nastiness is his way to get you to cave in and abort. A decent man and a loving partner would never behave like this. Do NOT give in to him; it's NOT up to him and others only have his word to go on. Move out and away from this vile and toxic creature - he is poison to you. Remember, your body, your choice and he should go to hell for treating you so badly. Big virtual hugs dear OP - you will get through this

Move out. He's playing mind games with you. Take care of yourself. Hold your head up high.
Can your dad come and do what needs to be done so you can move.
Lots of good advice on here about taking in lodgers/ renting a room out. I've needed to do this.

I'm so sorry that you're having a bad time with him. He's doing it to force you to abort. Nobody with any sense will think you've deliberately got pregnant to trap him! He's not any sort of a catch. I had to brave out lots of gossip too, but it was worth it to have my baby. My DD is a year younger than you and can't have any more children, so realistically this could be your only chance. She's turned out fine despite her father and so will your baby.

So sorry OP, he sounds like a horrible guy. For what it's worth babies cost nothing, literally I think you save money from buying yourself less tat once you have a kid! Hope you can get into your own place soon.

I'd move. Can you rent your house out and get a transfer ? Rent something cheaper ? Nearer family ? Although I wouldn't rely on your parents.

I’ve followed your thread from the start but his latest action has compelled me to reply.

Bare in mind all these ‘other’ people he is telling you think this and that.....that’s what he said. You don’t know they said that at all. He’s hardly dad of the year and the most amazing person. Let him bad mouth you. I bet my house on the fact he does no such thing as he will know well that it paints him in a very poor light and like all bullies and abusers he wants to remain the golden boy! Move out ASAP tomorrow, see if anyone can help you do so. Get yourself away from his poisonous talk, he is only thinking of himself.

He's appalling. What an absolute piece of faeces of a man.

Get away from him asap, tell him calmly that you did not plan this - because why would you?
Again, if he is so upset about risking pregnancy he should have taken his own precautions.

Who are these ‘people’ who he thinks he can tell about you and how awful you are? Even if you did ‘trap’ him (which you didn’t - does he really think he’s that much of a catch?!) do you really think people will think well of him when he says ‘oh and I told her to get an abortion but she wouldn’t!’ Of course they won’t they’ll think he’s an utter knob. Get out of there. I’d go now but if not the morning. Why are you staying? He’s made his feelings clear and you said yourself it’s over.

OP, I'm so glad you've been brave and stood up for yourself.

He sounds like a nasty selfish git. All about what HE wants. Well, its too late to decide he doesn't want another child. It has already happened. And he doesn't get a right of veto. Nor does he get to blame you when he impregnated you.

Your mum will come around. But keep your distance while it sinks in.