36 in June, pregnant with 1st after 5 months with OH who doesn’t want it

[Firegirl35]

Hi girls I’ve been reading and lurking but really need to share my situation for some advice..

I’m 35, no children and have found out I’m pregnant. I’ve been with the father just 5 months, we have had a rushed relationship as first date in July and then I moved in 2 weeks later mainly due to my house purchase falling through... I’ve now bought a house that needs some work doing and am currently still living with him.

He’s 37, has a 6 year old daughter and 8 year old son from a previous LTR which he was devastated ended in her having an affair, telling him she didn’t love him anymore and tearing the family apart. He took it hard as he was the same age as his son when the same thing happened to him. When we first got together he said he’s not against having more kids ‘one day’. His mum went on to remarry and have a baby when she was 42, so he is open to it, but also he seems to think age isn’t really a barrier.

We have the kids exactly half the week (so he doesn’t pay ex maintenance), and things have been great until a few weeks ago when his son started having sickness and anxiety at meal times.. he’s asked his dad why he’s not with mummy and even said he doesn’t want Christmas. I don’t know if going between two houses is upsetting for them, but the ex has suggested she has them more. He’s dead against this, he wants to see them more, and he also doesn’t trust that if he gave her maintenance it would actually be spent on the kids. I’m not sure if he’s controlling her with this. I have no relationship with her whatsoever, she seems a bit threatened by the bond I have with her children but I think she’s coming round. The whole situation is new and they are still figuring it out a bit.

Anyway, I tested positive for covid on Nov 30th. I’m a firefighter and once the two weeks isolation ended I still felt very ill with symptoms like fatigue and sickness that weren’t going away... so I got signed off work another 2 weeks. I tried to get anti sickness tablets prescribed, and was asked if I could be pregnant. I took 3 tests which all came back positive and it was confirmed by an out of hours GP an hour later..

I was in total shock and couldn’t stop shaking for hours. I called a male friend who has been very supportive, and I registered with a maternity unit as I wanted an early scan to date me... I think I got pregnant when I was ill, as I stopped taking the pill but we did have sex once. The week before that though I was fatigued, so I don’t know. I have ended up contacting Marie curie for a scan as I knew I could get in there quick, and they booked me in for Xmas eve. We left early but the motorway was closed and the diversion made us late for the appointment, so they wouldn’t see me :(

I told my partner a few days ago, and his reaction was “for fcuk sake”. Then “what are you going to do?” He’s since made it very clear to me in several heartfelt conversations how he feels about it all, that it was wrong as it was a very bad time, he’s still getting his head around the situation he’s in and the fall out from it, the kids aren’t totally settled yet (more his son), and he always swore that if he had kids again it would be when everything was totally right as he wouldn’t want to bring another “broken person” into the world as he puts it. He said that everyone else would think the same, and that it’s just a pill. His ex terminated their third which he was against at the time but thinks they would struggle to cope as they would have had two young ones.. His opinion of abortions now is that they are fine, as she was fine with having the medical one. And he says he’s glad as that’s one less kid he would have messed up. He tells me it wouldn’t work as he knows he’s not ready for another baby now, that it’s Horrific and you need to be rock solid. I think he believes that I will 99% get rid of it, after a frosty day or so we’ve been getting on better even making jokes, but that’s because he thinks I’m definitely having an abortion. If I say something against that, then it’s “I don’t want to argue” “we keep going over it” or “it’s doing my head in”

For me-
I had a surgical abortion at 7 weeks when I was 24. I had only been with the guy 4 months and he lived 200 miles away, he was fairly happy and we were going to keep it but I was scared as I was young, living in a flat with a girlfriend, suffering badly with an eating disorder, and extreme sickness. I told my parents and my mum went mental, made me feel stupid and like a kid and that it was a mistake and I wouldn’t cope. So I ended up going to a clinic, coming away as I couldn’t do it, facing the wrath from my mum and going back to have it. It fcuked me up for years, I went through phases of being completely obsessed with babies to deciding I wanted absolutely nothing to do with them (then my decision was justified). I moved to be with my partner, secretly hated my mum for two years it took me to forgive her in my head. I was with my partner for 8 years, so it would have probably worked out and we only split when I decided to become a firefighter and he didn’t want to move away again.

I told myself at the time of the abortion that I would never do that again. But also as I’ve got older I’ve seen the rough side of life with kids so have a realistic view which makes me appreciate time I’ve had single/free. I know babies/families are hard work, but I see myself with one in the future. (Near or distant not sure). It’s really hard being a step mum/friend figure to my OHs two , and makes me want my own. I missed out on the baby stage and toddlers... ill also never be the one they want when they’re ill, and mums Xmas dinner trumps ours, they want to stay at mums Xmas eve etc... the mum always wins. It hurts. I feel like I love them like my own but I don’t get them if that makes sense, and it makes the pain of not having my own more. I thought before I got pregnant, if it doesn’t work out with me and OH (haven’t been happy with his behaviour- he’s quite lazy, dirty etc round the house, doesn’t pay me compliments, and he’s only an ok dad, he does provide and cook for them and they don’t go without much, but he’d be happy to have DS in a dirty jumper, and sometimes I think he interacts with the dog more than he does me/the kids! Both his other two were unplanned when ex was on the pill, but I think he thinks she planned it , and it’s possible he thinks that now although I have told him I forgot the pill as I was so ill with covid (the sex was consensual btw, no forced sex).

I’m stuck because my heart wants the baby, but I know logically and sensibly it’s not the right time at all. OH said he wants to enjoy life with me more first- go on a holiday together, get each of our houses sorted, have the kids see our relationship develop before bringing a baby into it. But I’m the one who would have to live with it afterwards. And I’ll be 36 when the baby is born, what if this is my last chance? I can get my house completed in a few months so that will be straight, and although my parents live 200 miles away they miss me and both retired last year so I think they would move down into the 2nd bedroom, if I had to do it alone and we split up. I’ve not told them because of the drama of last time, and don’t want either to tell me to abort because we’ve not been together long. I wanted to make my own mind up and tell them at 3 months when they would have to accept it. My dad is turning 70 in April and my mum 65, this would be their first grandchild and I worked out I would be able to tell them the gender for their birthdays. My girlfriends are supportive of me whatever I decide. I’m the first in our small group to be pregnant and they are all single. I keep thinking, if I abort and we split up down the line, it might be too late to find someone and have a baby with them. On the other hand, if I don’t abort and we split up, at least I’ve got my baby/family and I won’t be too old to find someone new to have a relationship with. If they had kids too I wouldn’t feel like I’m missing out if I didn’t have one as I would have one. But also, I fell pregnant after one incident when 24, and probably only a few now, so if I waited to see if this is the right person, and build up more foundation with him it might not be too late, however I’ll never know.

This is the most difficult decision. I have an appointment at Marie stopes on the 29th for everything- due to them not seeing me on 24th- a scan, medical questionnaire, counselling and the procedure itself if I want to go through with it then. If I don’t I have to wait till 7th jan.
I’m so torn :( Any advice or insights would be much appreciated Thankyou so much

I think I need to make some local, supportive friends ASAP who would be better placed to pop round than my current girlfriends who sadly are all over my county!

I'd definitely recommend NCT - yes it's expensive-ish but in my experience so so worth it for a local support network. Definitely the normal time frame to start about two months before due date.

Okay I will invest in those classes then as I think they will be a great help in the long run! And that ideal scenario of meeting a rich man and holidaying in Barbados?! I should be so lucky haha! You are right about toxic people elsewhere, I’ve had experience of this with a landlady who just made home life hell. Onwards in my new home!

💐💐💐💐💐 to you and your baby.

You can do this OP and your baby is lucky to have you.

Why do you think your dc will hate you? In my experience people who who know they are loved and wanted by their mother don't resent or hate her.

I have 3 close friends who have all been single mums from the start. Friend A escaped a violent and abusive ex who threatened to kill her and her unborn ds. Her ds is now a uni student and I'm jealous of the really strong bond and closeness she and he have between them. He has never been interested to meet his dad even though she's not told him much about the abuse.
Friend B had a dd with a flaky ex who came in and out of their dd's life (blaming a 'memory issue'). Their lovely dd has an on off relationship with her dad and could basically take or leave him but is incredibly close to her mum.
Friend C had her ds while living abroad, with a guy who had quite severe mental health problems. He promptly disappeared from their lives when he heard about the pregnancy but she and her ds are really close to the dad's family and regularly visit each other. The dad is not missed by the ds.

The one thing in common with all these dc is that they are very very close to their lovely mums and really frankly couldn't care less about their fathers. What is also true is that as far as I know none of them have ever been angry with their mums for choosing to have them or questioned why they were born. They have all had happy loving and fun-filled childhoods and are turning in to happy successful adults.

As long as your dc knows you wanted him or her and that you are doing your best to be their parent then nothing else will matter.

OP well done on making arrangements to leave, sooo proud of you.

Your child will not resent you because YOU have not done anything wrong. Kids accept things at face value. Your child will be fine with just you. I know plenty of people with disinterested fathers and they have good relationships with their mums and are just fine.

As long as your child is loved and cared for that is all that matters.

Bear in mind some couples are a together with kids in very toxic relationships. That’s more of a burden on a child’s well-being than being a single mum...

Ps, if he is adding about with the key get the locks changes. I believe it’s not every expensive.

OP, your baby will never resent you for wanting and loving it.

I left my dead end marriage after 10 yrs and 3 kids when my then youngest was 6 months old and moved across the world to the UK to start fresh. I worked, studied and earned 2 Masters degrees and travelled all over Europe with my girls. We holidayed abroad every summer and they never went without despite their dad living abroad for the first 6 years and only sending money for Christmas and birthdays. We lived in lovely neighbourhoods and they went to excellent schools where I met many other single mums and we formed great bonds, going out for mums drinks and quizzes, etc.

I might be in the minority but I absolutely loved being a single mum. My girls are wonderful, happy and well adjusted. They’ve never once come at me with any anger or resentment for their dad not being on the scene. I’ve been in my current relationship for 8 yrs now. I met him on the school run, lol, and he was also a single parent of 2. We’ve built a lovely life together and have had a baby of our own now. My ex has never moved on.
Don’t panic about the future - you truly don’t know what awaits you. I have confidence you will find a lovely partner. And in reality, you may not even need one! Had I not met my current OH I was more than happy living my best life with my kiddies on my own! Sometimes I even miss those days!

It wasn’t always easy but it was definitely do-able. I’m so glad you had such a positive and reassuring conversation with your manager - that is exactly the kind of support you need! Also, don’t worry about detaching from baby a bit. Baby will be ok and keep growing - all you have to do is eat and take your folic acid. I had a horrific last pregnancy and was bedridden and unable to function for the first 16wks. I thought surely no baby could survive the physical and emotional turmoil I was enduring. I wasn’t able to take any vitamins let alone decent food. I mentally detached from baby because I was so afraid of losing her. But we came through the other side and she’s now a super healthy 15 month old who sleeps in bed with me every night haha that’s how bonded we are. Just try to focus on you for a bit. The midwives told me at the time that baby will take everything it needs from you and just keep growing and you literally don’t have to do anything else. So try not to worry about this affecting baby in the long run.

Well done OP, sounds like some very positive conversations going on for you. There is an app called peanut which will connect you with mums/ mums to be in your area by using your postcode. My little boy was born in the first lock down so I found this very useful also. I hope you have a lovely evening with your parents xxx

Am daughter of single mum and it was a great upbringing. I'd sell the house though op, wouldn't fancy being in a small town with all his relatives and my own family miles away.

@Firegirl35
how are you doing hun? Really hope you are ok and your parents are offering support xx

Someone mentioned above about keeping toxic people at bay. You mention a few occasions of people making your life difficult. To me this suggests jealousy and that you therefore have things that people are probably jealous of. Well let them be! Don’t let people take your light that they so envy! Adopt a two strikes and you’re out policy... Hope you’re doing ok today Xxx

Hi OP,
I hope you are okay?
I initially responded to your post earlier on saying posters should not be telling you which path to take. You’ve received a lot of encouraging posts since but you’re still not so sure, which is absolutely normal and expected.

I’m glad your clinic appt went well and that you received much needed counsel from qualified staff irl. Always go with your gut feelings and don’t do anything you do not want to do, in order to please other people. They were not there at the clinic with you and they may not be there months and years down the line to provide any of the emotional, physical or financial support that you will need.

It’s normal to wobble during the next few days and weeks whilst getting your head around a big decision such as yours. It’s good that you went to the clinic alone. It’s okay and again also normal for your to then take a few days to think about YOUR decision some more.

You need to be realistic as babies are not babies for long and will need much more than cheap secondhand clothes, a cot mattress and a car seat. Children are expensive, but it’s possible to manage if you’re money savvy.
If you love your child and you’re a good parent, your child will love you back regardless of the circumstances that they were raised in.

Your parents sound manipulative and seem to have raised you to rely on them so you feel as though you cannot make your own decisions without them. Your Mum obvs has her own deep seated issues, which you do not need to take on. I get it bc my Mum is very similar and I can identify with most of the things that you have shared. It’s good that you have a stake in your home, but it sounds like your parents are using money and the property to control you.

I’ve always worked since 14, as my financial independence is very important to me. Being financially independent from a young age has enabled me to take certain paths that would not have been a option to me otherwise. Try to keep your foot in the door by remaining employed, even if it is PT only.

I unfortunately have to keep my Mum at arms length in order to protect myself. Both of my parents are controlling and there was DV which was also eventually inflicted upon me. I have been low contact with my Father since my pre-teens and NC for many years.

My Mum is narcissistic, not maternal and I’ve always thought that she wished that she did not have children. She tries to live her life through me but also tries to compete with me, e.g. tried to sabotage my milestone Birthday party not so long ago by demanding to invite most of her friends over mine (there was a guest limit due to venue), got same car as me, tries to undermine me in front of my DC by interrupting and telling them that it’s okay to do the opposite of what I’ve told them, tries to tell me what to do in my own house and tried to start a shouting match in front of my DC (I kicked her out), tried to secretly meet up with DC1 during lockdown, etc.
I had DC1 at 20. My Mum told me that I would ruin my life if I went through with the pregnancy. My Mum had me at 19 and continued working so didn’t completely ruin her life re. that aspect. She’s also not ambitious, so I don’t think she sacrificed her career or earning potential by having children.
I was at college and had already moved out whilst revising for exams as our relationship had broken down irrevocably. I was studying, working and living independently when I had DC1 at 20 and then became a single parent not long after. I’ve been in a LTR for 20+ yrs and had my next two DC’s at 35 & 39. I decided that 40 was my cut off point for having anymore DC due to infertility issues that come with age.
Every time I’ve told my Mother that I was pregnant after my 1st pregnancy, her first response has been ‘Again!?’
We had the same cold response even after I got pregnant again after each of two miscarriages.
I had both early & late miscarriages before DC2 and also before getting pregnant with DC3. Conceiving happened quickly, but we also had to consider genetic traits that we could have passed on to our DC, which was really worrying and stressful during the early stages of pregnancy. Luckily, our DC are fine re. the genetic conditions.
My Sis is TTC at your age and has had two failed rounds of IVF so far. She was naive to assume she’d have no issues bc our Mum and I managed to have DC.

My Mum was totally unsupportive when DC1 was young. I just got on with and struggled with working and Uni and shelled out for childcare. She’s tried to be more involved with the DC on & off over the last several yrs and more so with our last two young DC but it’s not genuine and comes from a place of her friends assuming that she sees her Grandchildren often, her worrying about who will look after her when she’s old and wanting to benefit from our lifestyle. My parents split in my teens and my Mum eventually went on to marry someone else. Their marriage has been rocky for a while and my Mum has hinted at moving in with us a few times over the last couple of years. Not happening. She also thinks that we should be treating her to holidays with us. Also not happening.

Adult DC1 has always thrived and went to Uni. They would be living their best life working abroad right now, if not for Covid and lockdown travel restrictions.

As other posters have stated, you’re a Fire Fighter, so you must be a strong woman (physically & emotionally). You’re luckily to have a supportive boss, but working late/overnight shifts with a baby will be impossible without support. I doubt you’ll be able to afford a Nanny/Au pair on your salary and I’ve never heard of a childminder that does night shifts. It would be great if you can avoid working unsociable hours. I know someone who used to work for the Fire Service checking the Health & Safety of buildings during office hrs. Ask work if that is an option for you. Your employer do not have to offer you family friendly &/or flexible working options just because you have a child. I know quite a bit about this as I also work in the Public Sector. I also work in a a role where I’m involved in making decisions that are in the best interests of children.

Your parents are unreasonable re. their upset at your Fire Fighter salary. Having a degree/no degree makes no difference to salaries between two people in the same role when you work in the Public Sector.

The red flags have increased re. your ex! It sounds like he was using you to help look after his children, for sex on tap and was also trying to get his feet under the table re. your home. Does he know that your Father part owns the house?
I guess that doesn’t matter now as you’re in the process of leaving his sorry ass. Well done for getting your key back, although you should still change the locks as he must have the other key you thought he had given to his friend.

Also, well done for immediately moving out of your ex’s home ASAP and ending the relationship. You deserve a really big pat on the back for finding the strength to do that so quickly. All of the awful things he has said to you is classic narc behaviour - ignore and keep away from him.

There’s nothing like the freedom and peace you feel when moving into your own home, even without carpets and all of the basic furniture. Life is not always like that. Even people with money often find themselves without curtains &/or sleeping on sofas or mattresses on the floor for a while. Sort boiler ASAP or get a few heaters for the main rooms you need to use.

I think you need to have some counselling to ensure that you do not continue to allow people to treat you like this. Even your friend who wants you to keep the baby seems to have a co-parenting agenda. Is it not possible for your friend to come and visit you now? Esp. given that they have advised you to keep the baby and also offered to co-parent with you in future.
The clinic staff should be able to advise you re. other organisations you can contact re. your emotional self-development.

outofthefog.website/

This Covid period has been a tough time for everyone, but it will get better one day. There is light at the end of the tunnel and you won’t feel so lonely forever. You clearly want a baby and I’m sure you’d love the child whoever the Father is, but do you want this child for the right reasons?

There is never a right time to have a child, but your clock is ticking. There is no point in terminating this pregnancy and trying again alone in a couple of years with a donor. I can’t see the logic in that unless you have plans to ensure that your are much more financially stable by then so you can do it alone, but then you’ll also be another 2yrs down the line re. your fertility. You’ve got time to meet a decent man, but you will literally need to sign up to dating sites ASAP (if you haven’t already done so), multiple date and then plan to conceive with someone who feels the same within the next 12 months!
It’s doable, but will obviously be difficult during these Covid times. I would be doing that if I was single, childless, wanted a child and my clock was ticking.

You’ll obviously have to make some sacrifices whatever route you chose (child, relationship with parents and work), but you’ll be fine whatever you decide to do. You sound like you’ll be a great Mum, whenever and however you decide to do it. Lots of hugs 💐

Thankyou so much, what a kind and considered post to me, really appreciate the time taken. Yes I’m still processing things and my parents are keeping me very busy trying to get the house straight. I had an incident happen yesterday and the police were involved, which in hindsight shouldn’t have happened. I spoke to to ex for an hour on the phone after wards and I’m due to go over there soon to talk and to get more of my belongings. I will update you about what happened with the police, his change of heart by getting his head around the pregnancy, and what happens when we talk when I get home..

I’ve been talking to the HRBP today and found out all out maternity policies and modified duties whilst pregnant, how much pay I will get (12 months off, 7 months full pay 5 months £164 per week, 5 weeks no pay). I’ve also called the GP as they didn’t know I’m pregnant, and have a different prescription for sickness
I also asked work for counselling services
I’ll write again x

@Firegirl35 hope it goes OK please make sure that you are safe when collecting your things and have some support maybe take your dad with you to help?

Hope your doing OK and finding out just how strong you are! Great news on your mat leave that's a great maternity leave package and will definitely help you with finances going forward. Just start saving what you can for when it reduces.

I agree with @Scottishskifun, make sure you have support, please don't go on your own to ex. I don't even know the guy and he worries me. Very best of luck with everything

Be careful when you meet up with him. I agree that you should ask your Dad to wait for you outside in the car.

Great mat benefits.good news re. access to counselling via work x

Hi I’m back ok, it was actually very quick and we didn’t get chance to talk only collect some things. Feeling very depressed tonight and don’t have any energy to say more, but I’m feeling sad and lonely as I can’t help but still love him, and he doesn’t want to be with me (I know I shouldn’t want him but I love Hard and I can’t just switch off my feelings). Yet he’ll not abandon us and so will have input into baby’s life. I won’t see his kids anymore so I’m grieving for them and the set up I had there until a day ago. It was hard to fall asleep last night on my own and I woke up sad and cried for two hours about the fact that I’ll be alone now for years, I won’t have time chance or energy to date, and even when I eventually can will anyone love me? Who will want a single mum? Sorry if that’s insulting anyone it’s just how I’m feeling today and what’s been hitting me. Along with realising that it’s hurting me that he doesn’t want me anymore, so I have rejection. He had said once he loves someone he loves them forever and he’d not leave me, it would be me getting sick of him.. now I feel like what’s wrong with me for him to change his mind, and I know really there’s nothing but it’s painful seeing him and still wanting to touch/hug him, and the atmosphere is a combination of normal and chatty like old times, but different because something has changed and it’s how he feels about me and there’s no way back for us now. How do you get over someone when you will see them often? It’s usually time and apace, I won’t have that opportunity with his baby! Or getting under someone else-and that certainly won’t be happening anytime in the next two or more years!! I feel like I’m going to be hurting and hung up on this guy, how do you stop loving someone? He’s not as bad as the thread seems and that’s not me making excuses. We are due to talk on Sunday and it will be about us as we’ve not officially ended things but it feels like it has and I need confirmation. He’s stopped calling me babe and is using my name, no kisses on messages, and he’s just acting like my mate. I know he’s stopped loving me, but I haven’t him (even if he is difficult to live with), so it hurts my heart that he has.

Sorry for sounding petty or childish/needy but I can’t help my heart xx

Happy New Year to everyone hope you’re having a good night. I’ve just treated my parents to a take away pizza and brought them their Xmas presents so we can have a nice night 🙂

Why on earth are you going there to talk?

He just wants to pressure and guilt and manipulate you into coming back to him and terminating your pregnancy, and if you don't capitulate then he will get nasty again. You said you don't feel safe with him. Listen to that inner voice.

None of this 'talk' will be in your best interests. and it could be downright dangerous.

I hope you change your mind about going. But if you really must, then take your dad and limit it to 15 minutes.

cross posted. Your post took some time to type!!

I was only there briefly, and he’s not putting any pressure on me to terminate now he’s got his head around the fact that I’m having it. He wanted to talk about how we would move forward positively, he doesn’t want a child out there who he’ll ignore as fathers are so important, his messed them around and even though it’s not what he wants right now we’ll find some way even if that’s not as a couple. It’s because he’s being so decent that my heart is being pulled, yet he categorically doesn’t want me and it makes me wish more that actually we were doing this as a couple/family unit. It’s messed up

OP he is a narcissist and you know it. He is not capable of love. He loves himself only.

What you had was a fantasy. He strung you along while you met his needs and when you disobeyed him and asserted your own free will, then he decided he could not tolerate you.

He is punishing you now with coldness to try and bring you back to him. You crave him like a drug. But that drug will destroy you. You must kick the addiction.

Do not let him hoover you back in. Don't spend time missing him. You only miss what you thought he was, and the future you wanted. This was all fake. None of it was true. He lied to you about who he was and how he felt, and will keep doing so while he thinks you will believe it.

You must go cold turkey. Grieve for the relationship you thought you had (but didnt), and the future you hoped for (but never was). But don't let him see you sad, or desperate or lonely. He will use it against you.

Please use your parents for support, and sound off here and to your girlfriends.

This man is not your ally, your friend, or your true life partner and never was. He will hurt you over and over.

Please bookmark this post and reread it when you feel weak and vulnerable to his manipulation tactics.

You are strong. Remember this. And you must be for yourself and your baby.

I just want to remind you OP, from Tuesday;

"It’s gone very badly tonight, almost moved out. We are definitely over but some of the things he said were horrible.. I’ll write again tomorrow when I can. He told his mum who hit the roof, said I was scheming and did it on purpose, he’s called me selfish and a free loader, that he was warned about me (by the person who’s house I didn’t end up buying due to structural issues) and his first ex who’s never even met me, and that I was going to ruin his children’s lives, that it was ridiculous, I would really bring a child into the world without a father? I said if I have to, I’ll be both mother and father to which he laughed and said I have no idea, and how selfish that is. I also have no idea how expensive babies are and the cost of running a house, how was I going to do it with my parents not around? When I said my friends supported me he said what friends, those fake friends you bought off the internet? (They are real friends!! My best girlfriends who I met through a meet up group and so what?!! They are my best friends), he said I’d planned it and tricked him, why did we even bother going the clinic when I was never going to have the abortion? What a waste of time etc, and that I’d done it once before why can’t I do it again. He’s going to badmouth me now to all his hairdressing clients and we live in a small town where I don’t know anyone! So no one to vouch for my character etc. I feel trapped and like it’s got even worse as his fairly large family clearly think I’m a scheming bitch, will be spreading that around and there’ll be all sorts said about me. He’s well connected. If he lived in a different town I wouldn’t be so concerned. I’m feeling backed into a corner again. Maybe it Is the best thing to abort, what kind of life would it be for a child with such a hateful resentful father? I think he might have even said that’s how he felt. He wants nothing to do with it and is fuming that I’m still pregnant. His family don’t know me enough to know the real me and will only go by his lies and manipulation"

He is not decent, and you are losing nothing worth having by this relationship ending.

He isn't being decent. He is sweetening you so you eventually willingly give him sex with no commitment or relationship responsibilities, and 50/50 custody so he doesn't have to pay for his own child.

Over time, he will try and set you up as his casual fuck buddy with promises of a family unit that he never fulfils, while keeping his money and freedom for himself. He will move in a new girlfriend and tell you she means nothing. Trust me, there is a script. This situation is so predictable.

OP, Please please do the Freedom Programme!!!

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

Thankyou @BendyLikeBeckham, you sound like you’ve had experience with narcissists and your advice is definitely spot on for them... I watched lots of YouTube videos and read a book for self help after the narc before ended things, and educated myself on it. My previous partner was a textbook narcissist it was almost embarrassing! And I got to be able to predict his behaviour, spot patterns and dissociate myself and stay strong. I also had three months counselling through work as he almost cost me my job and threatened to smear me to my managers with personal intimate messages to him. I’m safe from him as he’s been blocked and finally after 18 months he’s stopped trying to access me or hoover me and has blocked me back. This current guy I’m not sure he is a full narc or not, though there are red flags he might just be lazy, shit dad and genuinely fallen out of love with me. Maybe I’m making excuses and yes I do need to read this thread and my own list of red flags... Still doesn’t quite help me get over the love feelings yet. His best friend and I are messaging and he’s said that he thought we were in it for the long haul, as he was always talking about me and future plans, he’s just been thrown by the early pregnancy when he and his kids aren’t ready (nor us as a couple I suppose). What is also in the back of my mind is that by the time I give birth he’ll have a new girlfriend in his bed, and I don’t know how to cope with that when I’ll be feeling so vulnerable, emotional, ugly, and needy. He’ll move on quickly and I’ll have to bear witness to it, whilst my baby would be my full focus for a long time. I’m the kind of person who does better in relationships I think, because I love so much. My friend told me I hurt so much because I love so much because I’m the most empathic person he’s met. I know who I could never love too much though... 👶

Oh gosh bendy! That scenario and script sounds so plausible that yes, you are probably right!