36 in June, pregnant with 1st after 5 months with OH who doesn’t want it

[Firegirl35]

Hi girls I’ve been reading and lurking but really need to share my situation for some advice..

I’m 35, no children and have found out I’m pregnant. I’ve been with the father just 5 months, we have had a rushed relationship as first date in July and then I moved in 2 weeks later mainly due to my house purchase falling through... I’ve now bought a house that needs some work doing and am currently still living with him.

He’s 37, has a 6 year old daughter and 8 year old son from a previous LTR which he was devastated ended in her having an affair, telling him she didn’t love him anymore and tearing the family apart. He took it hard as he was the same age as his son when the same thing happened to him. When we first got together he said he’s not against having more kids ‘one day’. His mum went on to remarry and have a baby when she was 42, so he is open to it, but also he seems to think age isn’t really a barrier.

We have the kids exactly half the week (so he doesn’t pay ex maintenance), and things have been great until a few weeks ago when his son started having sickness and anxiety at meal times.. he’s asked his dad why he’s not with mummy and even said he doesn’t want Christmas. I don’t know if going between two houses is upsetting for them, but the ex has suggested she has them more. He’s dead against this, he wants to see them more, and he also doesn’t trust that if he gave her maintenance it would actually be spent on the kids. I’m not sure if he’s controlling her with this. I have no relationship with her whatsoever, she seems a bit threatened by the bond I have with her children but I think she’s coming round. The whole situation is new and they are still figuring it out a bit.

Anyway, I tested positive for covid on Nov 30th. I’m a firefighter and once the two weeks isolation ended I still felt very ill with symptoms like fatigue and sickness that weren’t going away... so I got signed off work another 2 weeks. I tried to get anti sickness tablets prescribed, and was asked if I could be pregnant. I took 3 tests which all came back positive and it was confirmed by an out of hours GP an hour later..

I was in total shock and couldn’t stop shaking for hours. I called a male friend who has been very supportive, and I registered with a maternity unit as I wanted an early scan to date me... I think I got pregnant when I was ill, as I stopped taking the pill but we did have sex once. The week before that though I was fatigued, so I don’t know. I have ended up contacting Marie curie for a scan as I knew I could get in there quick, and they booked me in for Xmas eve. We left early but the motorway was closed and the diversion made us late for the appointment, so they wouldn’t see me :(

I told my partner a few days ago, and his reaction was “for fcuk sake”. Then “what are you going to do?” He’s since made it very clear to me in several heartfelt conversations how he feels about it all, that it was wrong as it was a very bad time, he’s still getting his head around the situation he’s in and the fall out from it, the kids aren’t totally settled yet (more his son), and he always swore that if he had kids again it would be when everything was totally right as he wouldn’t want to bring another “broken person” into the world as he puts it. He said that everyone else would think the same, and that it’s just a pill. His ex terminated their third which he was against at the time but thinks they would struggle to cope as they would have had two young ones.. His opinion of abortions now is that they are fine, as she was fine with having the medical one. And he says he’s glad as that’s one less kid he would have messed up. He tells me it wouldn’t work as he knows he’s not ready for another baby now, that it’s Horrific and you need to be rock solid. I think he believes that I will 99% get rid of it, after a frosty day or so we’ve been getting on better even making jokes, but that’s because he thinks I’m definitely having an abortion. If I say something against that, then it’s “I don’t want to argue” “we keep going over it” or “it’s doing my head in”

For me-
I had a surgical abortion at 7 weeks when I was 24. I had only been with the guy 4 months and he lived 200 miles away, he was fairly happy and we were going to keep it but I was scared as I was young, living in a flat with a girlfriend, suffering badly with an eating disorder, and extreme sickness. I told my parents and my mum went mental, made me feel stupid and like a kid and that it was a mistake and I wouldn’t cope. So I ended up going to a clinic, coming away as I couldn’t do it, facing the wrath from my mum and going back to have it. It fcuked me up for years, I went through phases of being completely obsessed with babies to deciding I wanted absolutely nothing to do with them (then my decision was justified). I moved to be with my partner, secretly hated my mum for two years it took me to forgive her in my head. I was with my partner for 8 years, so it would have probably worked out and we only split when I decided to become a firefighter and he didn’t want to move away again.

I told myself at the time of the abortion that I would never do that again. But also as I’ve got older I’ve seen the rough side of life with kids so have a realistic view which makes me appreciate time I’ve had single/free. I know babies/families are hard work, but I see myself with one in the future. (Near or distant not sure). It’s really hard being a step mum/friend figure to my OHs two , and makes me want my own. I missed out on the baby stage and toddlers... ill also never be the one they want when they’re ill, and mums Xmas dinner trumps ours, they want to stay at mums Xmas eve etc... the mum always wins. It hurts. I feel like I love them like my own but I don’t get them if that makes sense, and it makes the pain of not having my own more. I thought before I got pregnant, if it doesn’t work out with me and OH (haven’t been happy with his behaviour- he’s quite lazy, dirty etc round the house, doesn’t pay me compliments, and he’s only an ok dad, he does provide and cook for them and they don’t go without much, but he’d be happy to have DS in a dirty jumper, and sometimes I think he interacts with the dog more than he does me/the kids! Both his other two were unplanned when ex was on the pill, but I think he thinks she planned it , and it’s possible he thinks that now although I have told him I forgot the pill as I was so ill with covid (the sex was consensual btw, no forced sex).

I’m stuck because my heart wants the baby, but I know logically and sensibly it’s not the right time at all. OH said he wants to enjoy life with me more first- go on a holiday together, get each of our houses sorted, have the kids see our relationship develop before bringing a baby into it. But I’m the one who would have to live with it afterwards. And I’ll be 36 when the baby is born, what if this is my last chance? I can get my house completed in a few months so that will be straight, and although my parents live 200 miles away they miss me and both retired last year so I think they would move down into the 2nd bedroom, if I had to do it alone and we split up. I’ve not told them because of the drama of last time, and don’t want either to tell me to abort because we’ve not been together long. I wanted to make my own mind up and tell them at 3 months when they would have to accept it. My dad is turning 70 in April and my mum 65, this would be their first grandchild and I worked out I would be able to tell them the gender for their birthdays. My girlfriends are supportive of me whatever I decide. I’m the first in our small group to be pregnant and they are all single. I keep thinking, if I abort and we split up down the line, it might be too late to find someone and have a baby with them. On the other hand, if I don’t abort and we split up, at least I’ve got my baby/family and I won’t be too old to find someone new to have a relationship with. If they had kids too I wouldn’t feel like I’m missing out if I didn’t have one as I would have one. But also, I fell pregnant after one incident when 24, and probably only a few now, so if I waited to see if this is the right person, and build up more foundation with him it might not be too late, however I’ll never know.

This is the most difficult decision. I have an appointment at Marie stopes on the 29th for everything- due to them not seeing me on 24th- a scan, medical questionnaire, counselling and the procedure itself if I want to go through with it then. If I don’t I have to wait till 7th jan.
I’m so torn :( Any advice or insights would be much appreciated Thankyou so much

I've read your updates OP and it seems obvious to me that you really want this baby and you really don't want an abortion.
You'd be doing it for your partner and your parents but not for YOU!
You're 35, you may not get another chance to have a baby - would you regret that?
You've only been with your partner for five months, so what's to say he'll always find an excuse not to have a baby?
I think if you go ahead with the abortion, you'll forever be resentful of your partner and parents.
I'd go ahead with the pregnancy but obviously it's your choice.

OP, this man never wants to have a baby with you. It is not a 'just not now' situation. But, it has happened now and men often think it is easy to abort, because it is not their bodies, emotions or hormones. Wasters like him just see your baby as responsibility and cost. As I said earlier, he is a knobber and not worth your time or love.

But forget all that for now. I wish you all the best for your appointment today. The poster who said you needed time had good advice. Take your time, don't be rushed or pressured into making a decision, especially one which you are not comfortable with. Wish I could come with you and hold your hand.

Thinking of you today. Remember to do what is best for you, not other people.

It's very easy for those people in your life to tell you to get an abortion, if you choose a termination their lives will carry on as normal and it won't affect them. It's you that will have to live with whatever you choose to do so make sure you choose what is best for you, and not other people.

Hello everyone.. I couldn’t sleep last night, finally fell asleep at about 6am but up at 7am.. in that hour I had nightmares. Which included snakes in my house, and telling my brother who had flew over from America that I’m pregnant and jim scoffing and saying “in your dreams!”. I was sick in an empty box of hobnobs in the car on the way.

Scan was first, and as soon as I lay on the bed and she asked me to lift my top up I started crying uncontrollably, had a panic attack. She was absolutely lovely and ended up counselling me and sharing her own experiences, I told her all the important details of my situation. It took her ages to do the scan measurements as I wasn’t allowed to drink for the surgical, and I’ve not been drinking a lot anyway. I felt stronger and more confident after talking to her, and like I didn’t need to be bullied into something I will regret. She even said I could have an elective CS as I said I am terrified of birth.

After ages trying to see baby and get measurements she finally said I’m further on than I thought- measuring 8 weeks. I asked about heartbeat and did everything look ok was it viable she said yes looks fine but we normally say it’s viable from 12 weeks. I thought she maybe wasn’t telling me something she had seen so I asked about the heartbeat and was it fast enough and she said it looked normal. She’s a single mum too. She’s even said she will be my birth partner and was genuine. She was so lovely. We didn’t fill in the details for me to have the procedure. I then had half hour phone counselling in next room, and they will ring again tomorrow as I’ve said I’m going to need support and I am terrified to tell OH.

I’m going to the car soon and I’m nervous as hell. We then have a 45minute drive on motorway. I’m so scared of his reaction. He will think that how far I am doesn’t matter, but after talking to the midwife initially and absolutely breaking down- I also was shaking uncontrollably- and then finding out I’m 8 weeks I just can’t go through with it.

Any advice on how to tell him?

Thankyou for your support, please no haters I’m vulnerable right now

@Firegirl35 I've been following your post. You've done the right thing! Don't let anyone bully you! It's your life and your baby and your choice!

Oh OP - well done for listening to your heart!
I am SO glad to hear you had such a lovely doctor to talk to - what an angel. That's exactly what you needed and deserved!

As for telling your partner, could you emotionally 'check out' a bit beforehand and pretend that you're only observing his reaction, as if from a bird's perspective, without really engaging? You just tell him you were further along than you thought and you couldn't go through with it - and then let him rage - but don't engage with his reaction, just focus on your own breathing,staying calm. Youve been so brave for your baby already - you can be so proud of yourself

I'm glad you had someone lovely to talk to at last!
If you're further along than you thought then is it a case of the pill just not being 100% effective contraception? If so then your partner should have known this anyway.
You obviously want this baby, so do what is best for YOU and the people that matter will be there for you. You'll see people's true colours. This is a good thing.

Oh lovely. It sounds like you had a really supportive experience with the clinic employee. I wish someone would wrap you in a cosy blanket and pay for a taxi and a hot chocolate so you can travel home in peace and digest what you have seen and heard. Like you said, you are vulnerable.
I have read your thread since the early hours, feeling so for you, as I had a very similar experience, and made the other decision, cleverly coerced by a partner who made it seem circumstances would conspire against me. It is very hard to come back from.

I don’t want to sound nasty but if I was 34/35 and didn’t have kids but wanted them...I wouldn’t be getting an abortion. This may or may not be your only chance, but you don’t know that, but it could be. I personally wouldn’t chance it and have the baby.

You need to decide for yourself. Don’t think it will be a walk in the park....however everyone has bad days where they feel it’s all going wrong but it always, always out weighs it with happy memories, laughter and love. I wouldn’t give that up for anyone.

@Firegirl35

Oh bless you hun! I’m so glad you finally had a positive and supportive person to chat to in real life about everything! It’s not all doom and gloom you see.

As for telling your partner I would simply say “I’m keeping the baby”. You don’t need to apologise or justify anything at all to him. And if he rages, let him rage. You are already bonding with this baby, asking about the heartbeat etc. Termination is clearly not what you want so you shouldn’t do it. I know it feels scary but try to be as firm as you can in your decision. Today is a milestone of sorts. You have more information to work with and your feelings have strengthened. You can start to look to the future - it’s going to be ok.

I hope the ride home isn’t too stressful. Keeping you in my thoughts.

Just read your update- it appears your being bullied into this. Decide for yourself, not others, whichever way you choose is ok, as long as it’s for you.

(When/if you have the baby, your parents will absolutely come around to it and be supportive-babies are lovely and I’d be surprised if your mum turned the baby away. My mum is a shit mum but very stangely a brilliant grandparent...go figure that!)

I just came straight out with it and told him I had cancelled at the last minute and, despite the difficulties, wanted my baby. Once he realised that I couldn't be swayed, he knew he had to put up with the situation. He came with me to one scan where DC waved at us and that helped a bit. He even came to the birth, but disappeared afterwards for a few days. Turns out he had gone to the other end of the UK. He didn't tell his other children. He was involved off and on for six years and then moved in with someone else. I had no financial support, but I gave DC a good childhood. I got married in my late forties and have been really happy. I really hope you have a rewarding time like I did.

As Pp said, just say to your partner, 'I'm keeping the baby'. Anything he says should be met with, 'My body, my choice'. If as I suspect, you have made your decision; the pressure is off. If others can get their heads around it and support you or not, that's up to them. You are strong to stand up for yourself under so much pressure. Be proud.

Have the baby lose the man. You won’t regret it.

Apart from anything else, would you want to be tied to this man for the next 18 years

The people I know who have done this alone. Have never been tied to the fathers for 18 years. Most of the father’s were gone after 18 months when they got bored. One didn’t even last 18 hours. My own father walked out when I was 8. To this day I have not seen him since and probably wouldn’t recognise him if he walked down the street.

It is a myth in my experience that you are tying yourself to a person for 18 years

There's no right time for anything.

With your age and you not having any of your own kids if keep the baby.

OP, I really feel for you. What an awful situation to be in that you are scared to tell him you are keeping it. This is not how a relationship should be. Especially after only 5 months! He will get worse. You need to leave his house asap, move into your own, let his children go (as much as you are fond of them), and concentrate on you and your baby from now on.

Tell him and your parents over text. And then turn your phone off and do something nice for yourself.

Congratulations OP. Now get away from his as fast as you can. You don't need him stressing you out, trying to confuse you and make you change your mind. Even if that means going to your house with no boiler. His kids are not your responsibility to look after much as they are innocent bystanders in this. Buy a hot water bottle, phone a plumber and worry about the money later. You can be a a self indulgent as you like in your first trimester while you feel sick. Buy some treats and veg out in your new house for the rest of the day even if you're just watching or reading something on your phone. Block out your partner and your parents, just enjoy the feeling that you have a little embryo in your belly full of hope and love, you have a house, a job, and your whole life ahead of you. Xxxx

@TheCanyon

You want the baby yes? You're just swayed because of your partner. Honestly at 35 I would have to go for it, even if that was alone.

This. I struggled to get pregnant at 36, which I realise is not your situation, but it may be your last chance. You are a brave woman, you could do this on your own!

"Apart from anything else, would you want to be tied to this man for the next 18 years"

I wasn't and it was much better bringing my child up on my own. He hovered around for six years and I never saw him again. Why should OP be stuck with him for 18 years? She'll do a great job on her own. I did. My DC has a Master's and the lack of a biological father made no difference.

Hi OP, I think you need to move out from your boyfriends house - you should not be afraid to tell him your decision and the fact that you are afraid is not a good sign. Please move out, get one to one counselling and then decide. I think in your heart you have already decided, but you really need to make this decision while living on your own - you will not be having this baby and keeping this relationship and the majority on here would recommend that you leave the relationship, whatever else you decide.

How did it go, OP? Are you safe?

Oh Thankyou everyone SO much, you have no idea what your support has meant to me when faced with pressure and opposition from all sides in RL (aside from my girlfriends!) Without your input raising me up and the midwife supporting me as she did today there’s no way I would have had the strength I don’t think, and I would be coming away today with a different decision. I know I’ve not made the easy choice and both paths are hard. There’s no way to see the future either. But I just couldn’t do it because I didn’t want to. Not again.

I told him that I had started crying uncontrollably when she started the scan, had a panic attack and didn’t stop shaking. She counselled me and I just didn’t want to be there and couldn’t go through with it. I think I might have said sorry 😬 that I know it’s not what he wanted and it’s not how I planned it either, but I know what I can cope with and I couldn’t go through. I also said I was further along than I thought at 8 weeks... He was silent and put the keys in the car. He looked quite angry/disappointed and said “I don’t want another kid” to that I said I know you don’t and I understand that, so you don’t have to be involved. He just said “Great” sarcastically and then we drove home in absolute silence it was awful. He kept sighing every now and then. We got home and looked into each other’s eyes for the first time, he then said he was going to pick up the kids so when he left I had toast and text to say I was going out to clear my head and give him space. I’ve come to my house and reading/writing this in car, I’m going to go in and visualise my home with a little one in it :)

I’ve not yet told parents and don’t want to for a moment... nor did they message in morning to wish me well/say they were thinking of me or anything. I know mum will be waiting by the phone though.

My northern friend has said he will come down as soon as he can to stay with me for a bit, probably February.

Shit is still yet to hit the fan with my parents, his, then his ex and kids... I think I will feel better once I move out.

You’ve done the right thing going to your house. Put your energy into making it into a home for you now. You don’t need other people breathing down your neck. You’ve made your decision and it’s time for you to move forward with that now. You have your friends and work colleagues. People who love you would not try to force you to do what they want. Well done for being so brave.

@beautifulclouds sadly I do. But I don't see that here.