AIBU to terminate pregnancy because of how sh*tty I feel?

[mrt1981]

I wasn’t exactly trying, but I got pregnant.
At first I was happy but I am now 8 weeks pregnant and I am in hell. Constant sickness, crippling fatigue, generally feeling like absolute crap and have been signed off work. I went to the doctor and got prescribed an anti sickness drug. It takes the edge off slightly but also sends me to sleep so not much use in the day time (and this particular drug is supposed to be a non-drowsy one!)

I have spoken about termination with my partner and he is understandably very disappointed because he has been getting used to the idea of being a dad. He really wants me to go through with the pregnancy, and I feel terrible that I am having these doubts.

But I also just want to feel well again.

I read some of the symptoms usually fade away by the second trimester but for the minority they continue throughout the pregnancy. I am terrified I’ll be in this minority, I don’t want a baby so much that I am willing to live in hell for the next seven months.

If I do go down the termination route than I would want to do it ASAP as the longer I wait, the more it grows into a baby, and I personally find the idea of a late term abortion very upsetting. Whereas right now it’s more like a blob and less like a baby (in my head).

This on top of having what I think are common feelings of not really feeling sure if I want it. Surely if you have a baby you should be sure about wanting it? Although I’m not sure I don’t want it. I don’t know, my head is so messed up right now. I don’t feel any love towards it...

I just do not know what to do. I am split down the middle. Any input would be valued as not really got anyone to talk to about this other than DH.

Thanks

Then the first trimester will be over and you can start to enjoy the good things again.

I know you're being helpful but it's only fair to point out that this isn't necessarily the case.

A lot of women feel better after the first trimester, but a lot don't.

really sounds like you don't want a ababy regardless of the sickness. dont feel pressured to have it just because your partner wants to

I can completely understand why you feel this way. My children were planned, however I remember laying on the bathroom floor feeling like I was dying from being sick so much and telling my husband I wished I had never got pregnant and wanted it to end. In the end the obstetric doctors advised on an anti sickness regime that didn't cure it, but reduced it significantly so I could carry on. I don't think a lot of people appreciate how horrendous pregnancy sickness is, do speak to your GP again about your options.

@Crazymoo82

Really don't agree with terminations at all especially if the reason is because it is making you feel crappy. There are millions of people out there who can't ever have children of there own and would kill to be in your position.so yes in my opinion you are most definitely being unreasonable. I would also like to say I don't care how many people disagree with me for saying how I feel I think terminations should be illegal unless they involve rape, life threatening for the mother or a severe disability that the child will have no quality of life.

go away your opinion isnt needed. i had an abortion 20 year's ago shoot me

Oh OP I had no mental health issues prior to pregnancy AND pregnancy was planned and STILL contemplated suicide at about 8 weeks when had hyperemisis. No one who hasn't experienced it can truely appreciate the horror of it and the lack of control and the lack of knowing when it will end....

But for me it stopped at 14 weeks and glutton for punishment I went for a second pregnancy assured by a (stupid) doctor that lightening probably won't strike twice AND it happened again AND it stopped at 14 weeks again. I then decided no way no how no more pregnancies!

Firstly let me acknowledge your feelings - it is AWFUL. Secondly let me say decision is entirely yours. Finally let me just say as someone who has been there - there is an endpoint. It will stop even if you decide to continue with pregnancy it is a finite time. And as someone who has come out the other side (twice ) would I do it a third time? Hell no. Am I glad I did it the first 2 times - absolutely.

Here for you when you next have the energy to post (see I do know - think you are amazing to even have the energy to formulate words and type with what you are going through right now)

Do you ever want a baby? If so then it is likely you will get these symptoms again so you would be back at square one while now you are nearly 25% of the way there.

A termination is not easy either, can have physical and emotional impacts so definitely weigh it up possibly at a point when you have had some sleep and are not feeling sick.

Obviously it is up to you, would not judge you either way.

Go back to your GP urgently and explain everything you have said here. This will be better than asking a bunch of strangers on here with their own agendas.
The GP should give you non-directive advice to help you come to a decision and possibly be able to adjust the medication to make the symptoms more bearable.

Contact Pregnancy Sickness Support. They can help you with medication combinations and peer support which can help the mental health side.
I'm on my 4th HG pregnancy. All have been sick to birth/MMC (1). I couldn't love my children more, bonding in pregnancy is difficult, and with all I have looked into termination. My first I was begging the consultant at 2am to end it immediately, which she refused.
You know what you can take and termination rates for women suffering with HG are sadly high. But I would definitely recommend a detailed and tried care plan in place first, it makes all the difference.
Best of luck regardless of your choice

it's not just 'a bit of sickness or nausea' it's all consuming and you can't get away from it.

This so much. It was horrendous and I definitely knew I wanted my baby. Didn't mean I didn't contemplate whether I could bear to continue with the pregnancy, especially as my GP refused point blank to help and the midwife I spoke to was worse than useless so I was left to cope alone.

OP - nobody can make this choice except for you. For me the sickness wore off after 20-22 weeks. But other people's experiences aren't that helpful when you don't know what yours is going to be. The question you need to figure out the answer to is do you want the baby. Doubts are perfectly normal, it's a big commitment and change to your life, but it could also be that this just isn't what you want.

You can have a termination for ANY reason, OP.

I had horrific hyperemesis and was hospitalized in both pregnancies. It was in the 1990s and the only drug they would give was phenergan.
What made it much harder and why I sympathise with you is that my first pregnancy was planned but I was very unsure about it. I had never had any desire for or interest in children and was utterly terrified at the whole prospect.

This made it all the harder to bear being ill for 9 months.
However my feelings changed completely and I went into the second one knowing it was all going to be worthwhile.

Thank-you to every single person who took the time to tell me about their own experiences. I am definitely finding it hard to think straight. I am going to see a councillor on Monday.

Thank-you to every single person who took the time to tell me about their own experiences. I am definitely finding it hard to think straight. I am going to see a councillor on Monday

I think there are few things that piss me off more than people telling a woman who is having a horrific pregnancy that she should be grateful because other people would love to be pregnant. I absolutely fucking detest the idea that so many people have that women's suffering doesn't matter and their health, physical and mental, is just a minor issue.

OP, I have no advice really, just wanted to say that I hope you feel better soon, whatever happens.

@isabellerossignol diabolical and gross isn't it

You need to talk to a professional. I had ok pregnancy but still spent a month in bed in the early days as slept nearly round the clock

@isabellerossignol agree entirely. Women's pain and mental health go out the window to many people as soon as she's pregnant. It doesn't matter how horrendous she feels, because she's lucky compared to someone who can't conceive.

Fuck that shit.

@isabellerossignol

I think there are few things that piss me off more than people telling a woman who is having a horrific pregnancy that she should be grateful because other people would love to be pregnant. I absolutely fucking detest the idea that so many people have that women's suffering doesn't matter and their health, physical and mental, is just a minor issue.

OP, I have no advice really, just wanted to say that I hope you feel better soon, whatever happens.

Amen!

I felt so so bad during pregnancy although it was a much wanted baby but I did question everything. It's a massive reason that 3 years on we still only have one child. I can't bring myself to do it again. I think first you need to decide if you do want this for your life though.

@Crazymoo82

Really don't agree with terminations at all especially if the reason is because it is making you feel crappy. There are millions of people out there who can't ever have children of there own and would kill to be in your position.so yes in my opinion you are most definitely being unreasonable. I would also like to say I don't care how many people disagree with me for saying how I feel I think terminations should be illegal unless they involve rape, life threatening for the mother or a severe disability that the child will have no quality of life.

Then don’t you have an abortion. Don’t try to push your opinions on the OP. It’s not you going through it.

Hello OP, we've had a few reports about your thread and we just wanted to bob on here and say that we're really sorry to hear you're feeling low as a result of some of the posts you've read on here.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources.

You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well and it sounds like you've already taken those first few steps so best of luck with it.

As always, please do report any posts you believe to be breaking our Talk Guidelines - we're always happy to take a look.

Take care.

@yelyah22

I know someone who had a termination for this reason. She is now looking into adoption and very excited about it.

You ABSOLUTELY should make a decision based on your health (mental and physical) and this is a perfectly rational reason to end a pregnancy.

Until someone has an abortion, they have no idea how it can affect their mental health. Your friend is lucky that things are okay for her, but for others an abortion is a huge mistake as it can destroy their MH.

It is up to the OP to decide what to do about their pregnancy, but please don’t downplay the affect abortion can have on someone’s MH. My daughter had an abortion and feels it was the biggest mistake she ever made. She still struggles with her MH (I have never judged her, in case you think that, and have supported her completely through her overdose and breakdown), 8 years later!

I am glad the OP is meeting a councillor, who will hopefully be able to help her formulate her thoughts and help her with her decision one way or the other.

There's two things I'd consider, do you actually want children? There is a chance all of your pregnancy's will be like this, so if your 8 weeks in maybe plough through, if you do want children in the future. There's. I saying next pregnancy will be any better. Also consider though, once baby pops out if you do have them, you won't necessarily bounce back. You may have an angel baby who sleeps through the night well and finds a great routine, you may have a tinker who never sleeps unless on you and you get nothing done. I'm still waiting to catch up on the sleep I lost in my last pregnancy and my little one is nearing 2 😂 But I obviously thought it was worth it, as I'm pregnant again.

Good luck.

Hey OP - this has really lit up and I suppose it’s because it speak right to the core of people’s experiences of the highs and lows

I am soooo sick atm with baby 2

And feel pushed to my Max

I wasn’t a Mother Earth type and when I had my first kid I took to it like duck to water!

I don’t let motherhood define me - I am really comfortable being a mom but I’m not into being perfect or competitive

I’ve found My groove and really enjoy my kid

The sickness will pass

Ondansetron is necessary and go spend £60 to see a private GP for a script for it

I really think you should remove the morning sickness element as a factor and decide about your future based on much bigger picture

I promise you will feel better by week 14

Hyperemesis is hospitalisation level nausea whete you can’t keep fluids down

It is so rare

What you have is bad MS - and I’m right there with you

Stay in bed

Be nice to yourself

My fourth pregnancy never knew anything like it from the start was the worse thing ever i was admitted to hospital over ten times and put on a drip as I was so sick and dehydrated

At least 20 times a day i was sick I use to vomit and poo and wee at the same time as I vomited so hard I lost control of all other functions

I struggled to move struggled to walk couldn't smell anything as i would be sick straight away

Couldn't go In cars instantly sick

They prescribed me the anti sickness tablets but they made me too groggy I couldn't take them.

I wanted to die I cried day in day out I wanted to end my life sounds extreme but I couldn't cope

Worst time I've ever had in my life ever I was so so down

I think it lasted till about week 17 maximum

Three years later I'm laying here next to my best friend my soul mate but I could have wrote all the stuff you wrote but thankgod were both here

It will end you will get there i was so so ill and I got there and it stopped it didn't go all the way through to the end hang in there