AIBU to terminate pregnancy because of how sh*tty I feel?

[mrt1981]

I wasn’t exactly trying, but I got pregnant.
At first I was happy but I am now 8 weeks pregnant and I am in hell. Constant sickness, crippling fatigue, generally feeling like absolute crap and have been signed off work. I went to the doctor and got prescribed an anti sickness drug. It takes the edge off slightly but also sends me to sleep so not much use in the day time (and this particular drug is supposed to be a non-drowsy one!)

I have spoken about termination with my partner and he is understandably very disappointed because he has been getting used to the idea of being a dad. He really wants me to go through with the pregnancy, and I feel terrible that I am having these doubts.

But I also just want to feel well again.

I read some of the symptoms usually fade away by the second trimester but for the minority they continue throughout the pregnancy. I am terrified I’ll be in this minority, I don’t want a baby so much that I am willing to live in hell for the next seven months.

If I do go down the termination route than I would want to do it ASAP as the longer I wait, the more it grows into a baby, and I personally find the idea of a late term abortion very upsetting. Whereas right now it’s more like a blob and less like a baby (in my head).

This on top of having what I think are common feelings of not really feeling sure if I want it. Surely if you have a baby you should be sure about wanting it? Although I’m not sure I don’t want it. I don’t know, my head is so messed up right now. I don’t feel any love towards it...

I just do not know what to do. I am split down the middle. Any input would be valued as not really got anyone to talk to about this other than DH.

Thanks

You’re being very shortsighted, and very unreasonable.

It may be a “bunch of cells” but also a potential human being, your baby. Until you’ve actually had a baby, you have no idea how horrific the thought of termination is. If you terminate and go on later to have a child, I can guarantee you will regret terminating this pregnancy.

I’ve experienced sickness in this pregnancy and it literally is just that. Some nausea, sometimes I throw up. It’s unpleasant but it’s very manageable.

Previous pregnancy I was vomiting six or seven times a day. When I wasn’t being sick I was fighting nausea. I was utterly wretched and miserable.

Note of caution though op, I do regret terminating that pregnancy. But don’t listen to anybody telling you that you’re wrong to feel as you do.

I would never judge you either way, OP. I had a rotten pregnancy. Horrendous nausea which thankfully cleared up around 11 weeks, but crippling insomnia which didn’t stop until I gave birth. I was sleeping maximum 90 minutes- 2 hours a night, every night, & hallucinating with tiredness. DH & I have 1 child. For several reasons. But if I’d had an easy pregnancy I think I’d have had another one fairly soon after.

Do whatever is right for you. Just be absolutely sure it is, first.

@Osirus Many people who've had babies are not horrified by the thought of termination. Many have babies and go on to terminate pregnancies. That is up to the individual and it's not horrific. You cannot guarantee anything because you don't know the OP.

OP, if you genuinely want a termination then you are entitled to choose that. However, it seems that you were happy about this pregnancy before you started feeling so ill? If that's the case, and it's purely the illness making you feel this way, you may regret a termination once you have recovered. Pregnancy is horrible for many women, but it will pass eventually. Keep that in mind when you consider your options.

Oh OP I really feel for you. I had chronic nausea HG with all 3 of mine and severe SPD and was bed bound. It was hell. But I really wanted my babies. So I pushed through.

I can totally understand the hell of each day. If you're not sure about wanting a baby then putting up with the sickness will be hard.

Your decision. No one else's. Anyone in real life you can talk to? x

My pregnancy was really bad and I was sick for 9 months. I also had prenatal depression. I went ahead with the pregnancy and I hated every moment of it apart from when I started to feel DS kicking and moving which helped a bit with the bonding. I had a traumatic birth too on top of all of this but do you know what, I'm glad I went through with. It is so worth it. I can imagine what you are going through right now as I was at this stage.

I used ondansetron for my sickness prescribed by my GP after trying so many medication which helped a lot and got me through the pregnancy. I'm not saying terminate or go ahead but make your decision based on the fact that you will 100% feel different after terminating of giving birth. Whatever you are feeling right now is literally is 'you' being heightened.

With all due respect to people here posting about morning sickness, ginger biscuits, and pushing through to get past this stage - you don't seem to understand the special kind of hell that is hyperemesis.

Hyperemesis had me both literally and figuratively on my knees. By six weeks in I couldn't remember what it was like to not constantly vomit and to not constantly dry heave once there was nothing left inside me to vomit up. No matter how much I tried to clean, no matter how much DH cleaned, all I could smell in my house was vomit. Post-pregnancy I had to have two wisdom teeth removed as the acid eroded them too much and they were too damaged to save. I stripped the outer membrane/layer off my tongue due to the vomiting. It was horrific. My GP would prescribe anything and I was eventually admitted to hospital by which point my diet consisted of oral rehydration sachets sipped slowly through a straw and salt and vinegar crisps sucked one at a time. When they gave me anti-emetics and told me they'd give me a prescription I cried. It took a bit of tinkering around with various combinations but maximum dose cyclizine combined with maximum dose omeprazole helped, I still felt sick but I wasn't vomiting so it was a huge improvement. By the time i gave birth I weighed 18lb less than I had pre-pregnancy.

Part of the reason why DH got a vasectomy is because I cannot go through another pregnancy like that.

OP, please contact Pregnancy Sickness Supoort as recommended by PP. They were a huge help to me. There is also a hyperemesis support thread over on the Pregnancy boards here on MN. And speak to your GP or MW about how you are feeling as they will be able to support you in making a decision

8 weeks was the absolute worst week for me, it started to get better after that and by 12 weeks I was pretty much back to normal. I think that's pretty common and most people start feeling better around this point.

Of course you should do what you feel is right but I think the chances are you'll be feeling much better in 2 weeks or so, it's not long in the grand scheme of things.

It's horrible at the time though. I wish you all the best

I can guarantee you will regret terminating this pregnancy.
You can give no such guarantee.
Do what you need to do to be ok mrt1981. I would not judge you.

Sending you a big handhold @mrt1981 💐

I feel like there is a hole in my life where weeks 5-15 were, I wasn’t living and it was pure torture all day every day. I did IVF to get pregnant so I was already convinced of how much I wanted the pregnancy, but there were many times where I wondered how on earth women everywhere go through this! (I just assumed it must be similar for everyone)

Please do try the online chat service with Pregnancy Sickness Support. They know exactly where you are at and they won’t judge you xxx

www.pregnancysicknesssupport.org.uk/documents/HGbpasPSSreport_docx.pdf

There are multiple levels of drugs that you can try and your Dr should give them to you ❤️ You will have to do what is right for you although I think I would try to get Ondansetron before deciding xxx

I think it’s more a case of you’re very unlikely to regret choosing to have your baby than a case of regretting having an abortion.

I know people who have regretted having abortions (more that have not) but I’m yet to meet somebody who regrets keeping there baby.

Op it’s completely down to you, only you know where your head is at but if it’s a case of you feeling this way just because of how you feel then I would strongly advise you to continue with the pregnancy.

It all becomes just a rubbish memory you bury away once baby is here (although I will not be planning more due to feeling so shit).

*their

I think if you really wanted the baby you’d not mind the sickness, so this is a sign that you should terminate.

Also, you’re going to get some very emotional an possibly nasty replies on herr, because mumsnet has a lot if women who are trying to conceive or who can’t have childre and some of them may respond badly to your post. However, you need to ignore this and do what is right for you.

I think you should terminate, as soon as possible. Your head and heart are not into this.

I know people who have regretted having abortions (more that have not) but I’m yet to meet somebody who regrets keeping there baby.

You haven't been around much. MN alone has legion of threads that are confessions of just that.

Op it’s completely down to you, only you know where your head is at but if it’s a case of you feeling this way just because of how you feel then I would strongly advise you to continue with the pregnancy.

It all becomes just a rubbish memory you bury away once baby is here (although I will not be planning more due to feeling so shit).

Nice way to victim blame and minimise people who actually experience long-term trauma from conditions like hyperemesis.

mrt, please ignore all the emotive language around terminations and I really hope you can make a decision that is right for you. YOU have the right to reproductive autonomy; nothing is 'too drastic' if it is what is right for you and your life.

Please don't rely on mumsnet to make this decision. Find some professional counselling.

I had hyperemesis. At first I was given metaclopramide tablets, which helped with the vomiting, but I still felt nauseous and they made me very sleepy. Then I was given ondansetron which dissolve under your tongue. They have fewer side-effects and work better (IMO). Might be worth discussing the side effects of the medication with your doctor. (I am not a doctor and maybe you can only take ondanseteon from a certain stage, I don’t know...) If it helps, I had this problem with both of my pregnancies, and the second one was with twins. It’s awful, and there isn’t much empathy out there for you, is there? (I remember waking up at 2am to barf into a bucket next to my bed, and crying my eyes out.) Anyhow, my babies all went to term and are now all teenagers taller than me who help me with my computer illiteracy issues. 😘 Seven months feels like forever to you at the moment, but on this side it genuinely does feel like a blink of an eye. (Time is weird like that.) If you do decide to terminate, make sure that you get some counselling together. It puts a lot of pressure on you as a couple. (We went through that as well when I conceived triplets straight after the twins were born. Not a viable option for us.) Best of luck with whatever you decide!

@Lumene fuck off. having an early abortion is NOT killing an baby.

I have to say though NC's original reply was blunt, I think they are right. I had hyperemesis, it was horrific and I was in hospital 2-3 times a week when I was pregnant. I was still being sick during labour! Easy to say it passes if you have only dealt with it on a mild scale in the first trimester. I've had brain surgery for a tumor and I have trigeminal neuralgia - one of the most painful conditions you can have - but my health during pregnancy was something else and I'll never forget how awful it was pretty much being unable to eat, drink, sleep, go anywhere for 9 months without puking, weeing or fainting.

Saying that, I never once considered terminating because of it because I wanted my son so so much, once I'd decided I wanted to be a mother that was it. I think if you are considering a termination in a positive way (that it is because it will make you feel better rather than circs won't allow another child/the baby is really wanted) and that you considered never having children at all, it may be the right thing for you. What is right for one may not be right for everyone. You don't have to have a baby just because you are pregnant and it is not your partners choice.

This isn't an easy decision but it is your decision. Your desire is mostly to not feel sick and the problem you see is that this pregnancy is what's making you ill. The fact that a baby is growing inside you doesn't help you make a decision when its causing you so much pain. Many people have had pregnancies that have been truly awful (myself included) i had days when i had a bit of energy and all i would do is cry and think 'i just want to feel slightly normal, even just for a few days'. It hit me hard. Some days i couldn't see i was so tired or speak cause i felt so sick. It was horrendous. Now it is a distant memory and I'm one of the lucky ones i guess to have gone through it and have 2 beautiful babies. I would speak to your gp and explain everything. There are some miracle medications that work for people. Give it a try for a week and see if your outlook changes. Good luck

@mrt1981 I don’t know if this is something that is affecting you but I had antenatal depression with my pregnancy coupled with, and exacerbated by, extreme sickness. All day every day until I got to the second trimester when things eased. Thank god.

My pregnancy was not planned and I’d never particularly wanted children but my partner did so I was in total turmoil and felt I had to continue. He didn’t pressure me though. It was such a hard time and the things I thought and wanted to do were awful and I went to the darkest place of my life. I hated the idea of a bump and I basically wanted to die.

I suspected I had AND but I couldn’t find a single thing online about it that I could relate to. Everyone who wrote about had longed for their babies and I hadn’t. It was a very difficult time.

However things started to change. I did go through with it and I did worry about what it would be like and how I’d cope and whether I’d want what came out at the end. No one can make this decision for you but if you want to talk to someone who maybe felt the same as you, feel free to message me.

Huge hug for you. I wanted to write my experience.
I have 2 beautiful loved children - but I had 2 awful pregnancies suffered HG both times and it’s bloody hard to explain to anyone who hasn’t suffered from it just how physically & mentally draining it is.
With my both pregnancies I was ill for the whole pregnancy , in and out of hospital on drips and trying to find a manageable solution to how ill being pregnant was making me. I never glowed, rarely managed to go into work and never got experience ante- natal classes. As soon as I had my children I was back to normal - could stand the smell of coffee and toast again instantly!

6 year age gap between pregnancy (took a while to even consider another one) and the minute the sickness /nausea started again. I remember crying and turning to my husband and saying I can’t do this to my body again maybe we should consider termination. He took me straight to the GP and I discussed with him what the options are of supporting us with the pregnancy GP was brilliant support and got me medical help needed to try and help with the sickness. It still with me 10 years later of how ill I am when pregnant. I would have loved to have closer age gap more children but just couldn’t do it to myself or family.
My sister has no children but has had 1 pregnancy before I had my children , like me she was very very poorly and decided to terminate- we in the past had a strained relationship - when we finally talked about what the issue was - she said she was ‘envious’ that I had children and had managed to see the pregnancy through where she hadn’t - I never saw it like that and would never judge her especially as I know how close the 2nd time I considered it.

Please go & see the GP ask for help. I can’t promise it will get better 2nd trimester BUT it might you could be absolutely fine and the glow arrive.