AIBU to terminate pregnancy because of how sh*tty I feel?

[mrt1981]

I wasn’t exactly trying, but I got pregnant.
At first I was happy but I am now 8 weeks pregnant and I am in hell. Constant sickness, crippling fatigue, generally feeling like absolute crap and have been signed off work. I went to the doctor and got prescribed an anti sickness drug. It takes the edge off slightly but also sends me to sleep so not much use in the day time (and this particular drug is supposed to be a non-drowsy one!)

I have spoken about termination with my partner and he is understandably very disappointed because he has been getting used to the idea of being a dad. He really wants me to go through with the pregnancy, and I feel terrible that I am having these doubts.

But I also just want to feel well again.

I read some of the symptoms usually fade away by the second trimester but for the minority they continue throughout the pregnancy. I am terrified I’ll be in this minority, I don’t want a baby so much that I am willing to live in hell for the next seven months.

If I do go down the termination route than I would want to do it ASAP as the longer I wait, the more it grows into a baby, and I personally find the idea of a late term abortion very upsetting. Whereas right now it’s more like a blob and less like a baby (in my head).

This on top of having what I think are common feelings of not really feeling sure if I want it. Surely if you have a baby you should be sure about wanting it? Although I’m not sure I don’t want it. I don’t know, my head is so messed up right now. I don’t feel any love towards it...

I just do not know what to do. I am split down the middle. Any input would be valued as not really got anyone to talk to about this other than DH.

Thanks

My dd aborted her 1st pregnancy. I didn’t know until afterwards, when she had a breakdown, because she realised it was the worst thing she had ever done. She really struggled with her MH and told me that because of this she would never have children as she would feel so guilty. Her gp refused to send her to be sterilised, because of her age. 5 years later she phone me in tears. The only words she could say was “I’m pregnant.”

Because of the guilt she had and the fact that her DP wanted the baby, she decided to go ahead with the pregnancy. She was so ill throughout the it and ended up in hospital on bed rest, with a drip in. She then went through a difficult labour and struggled to even look at her dd when she was born. Afterwards, her DP and I did everything we could to help her, as mechanically she looked after her dd but really struggled mentally to feel any love for her. She will never have any more dcs, as she decided to be sterilised, after the birth. It took some time, but she is now devoted to her dd and loves her with all her heart.

I know you feel terrible at the moment, but it won’t always be that way. Please think very carefully before you decide what to do, as you may struggle even more with your MH if you terminate your pregnancy.

. Until you’ve actually had a baby, you have no idea how horrific the thought of termination is.

My pregnancies have made me more pro choice than ever. I spent months vomiting, developed spd which crippled me, and the second one developed ante natal anxiety which turned me in to a gibbering wreck. Those experiences left me utterly convinced that no woman should be forced to continue a pregnancy if she does not want to. I struggled immensely to get through it with babies I very much wanted; I cannot imagine how I would have coped if I didn't want to be pregnant in the first place.

Op there is a long running hyperemesis support thread over in the pregnancy section which you might find helpful. I haven't been on it recently but when I was there were many women who struggled with similar feelings to you and I think would be very understanding

Some of the responses here are absolutely fucking disgusting.

I would like to balance the opinions saying you would regret an abortion by saying that as well as having 3 children I don't regret having at all I also had a termination after my first that I also don't regret. My relationship with dc1s father was in a bad place, he was emotionally abusive and I am sure carrying on with the pregnancy would have negatively impacted my mental health and ergo my ability to bring up my existing child far more than the termination did. Have never regretted it.

[quote MummytoCSJH]@Lumene fuck off. having an early abortion is NOT killing an baby.

I have to say though NC's original reply was blunt, I think they are right. I had hyperemesis, it was horrific and I was in hospital 2-3 times a week when I was pregnant. I was still being sick during labour! Easy to say it passes if you have only dealt with it on a mild scale in the first trimester. I've had brain surgery for a tumor and I have trigeminal neuralgia - one of the most painful conditions you can have - but my health during pregnancy was something else and I'll never forget how awful it was pretty much being unable to eat, drink, sleep, go anywhere for 9 months without puking, weeing or fainting.

Saying that, I never once considered terminating because of it because I wanted my son so so much, once I'd decided I wanted to be a mother that was it. I think if you are considering a termination in a positive way (that it is because it will make you feel better rather than circs won't allow another child/the baby is really wanted) and that you considered never having children at all, it may be the right thing for you. What is right for one may not be right for everyone. You don't have to have a baby just because you are pregnant and it is not your partners choice.[/quote]
Thank you, far more eloquent than me. The trouble with this site is that everyone goes ‘oh the babies are so worth it’. For some people they are not.

There is a world of difference between someone who is considering termination because they desperately want their baby but they feel they CAN’T cope and someone who is saying they don’t want to. Someone said having a baby makes you realise how horrifying a termination is. Bullshit. Horrifying is trying to be a loving, attentive parent to a kid you don’t want. Believe me, I’ve seen it. The kid knows and everyone around you can tell. And it ruins your life. If the OP doesn’t WANT the baby then telling her the sickness will pass just isn’t and appropriate answer.

@mrt1981 I’ve just seen your post about your mental health. I’m sorry I was harsh with you sweet but honestly, put yourself first. You are already in this world and you have to live with whatever you choose. If you believe you will feel better physically and mentally by having a termination then you should do it. At the same time, if the posts on here have made you realise you actually WANT the baby but just feel like you can’t cope then use the amazing resources you’ve been directed to, get more help, force people to listen to you. Because if you WANT a baby then it’ll be worth it.

Oh OP, I had extreme HG and had a therapeutic termination due to it. You are not alone. Pregnancy Sickness Support is very helpful, there’s a HG specialist counsellor called Michelle (google her) who works over the phone or video who has experience exactly what you’re going through. I was in hospital on a drip from week 6 till the end, had IV ondansetron, metaclopromide, cyclizine, then steroids and became extremely unwell. I had private care and my consultant spoke with experts in US who are much more sensitive and advanced on this, (Marlena Fezjo has first hand experience of this and devoted her career to finding a solution, she is world renowned).
HG ruined my life for many years due to effects and guilt and loss of a much wanted baby.
I’ve spoken with families who have been severely affected but have gone on to have their own family either through medicated support throughout their pregnancy or via other methods (adoption, surrogacy etc).
Please try to get some help, could your partner perhaps contact PSS and your GP to explain on your behalf? Try some medication and counselling, then make a decision knowing you’ve tried everything and be at peace with it.
My heart goes out to you, and you are not alone. Please don’t rely on Mumsnet alone to advise you on such a huge decision.

Hi OP - You mention mental health issues and that's something I had during my pregnancy - and why I terminated it at 12 weeks.

Before I got pregnant I had never been on any anti depressant, never had any mental health issue. However even before I took a test, my mood dropped so low I became suicidal and if someone had told me I wasn't allowed an abortion, I would have taken my own life as I couldn't have coped with feeling the way I felt for another 6 months.

Everyones experience is different and I appreciate that for some, they managed to get through it and have a child - I didn't and 5 years on, I am still with my partner (now married) who supported me through the most horrible time in my life and whilst I haven't been sterilised, we haven't tried again and I double up on contraception (mini pill + condoms) as I'm so paranoid I may become pregnant again.

I don't regret my abortion at all - I am so thankful I had the option and I know I made the right decision. I couldn't have coped with going through the pregnancy and I didn't see a light at the end of the tunnel at all.

I echo those posters who suggest you talk to a counselor about it. I was already seeing one for a phobia and she helped considerably in providing me a non-judgemental place to talk and explore my feelings. Whatever you decide, it needs to be your decision and as you can see by the posts above, there are people who have gone through with the pregnancy and felt that was the right decision, but also people who have terminated and felt that was the right decision.

I wish you well, whatever you decide to do.

Until you’ve actually had a baby, you have no idea how horrific the thought of termination is

Being pregnant and having child made me even more pro-choice than I already was beforehand. No one should have to go through pregnancy, childbirth, or parenting unless they want to and every woman should be able to choose to end an pregnancy if they want to.

Some of the responses here are absolutely fucking disgusting

I agree.

This is clearly someone who is struggling. If you're only here to push an anti-choice agenda about "little babies" and "if you loved your baby you would push through this" then you're not here to offer support and instead are here to kick someone while they're down.

Oh op I feel you. I felt awful with ds2 and an abortion did cross my mind even though I am normally against them no judgement just my pov to show you how bad I felt.
I persevered and slowly I felt better.
It wasnt a great pregnancy but ds2 is the most amazing boy now he completes my life and he was worth all the illness.
Good luck.

My story, in case it helps.

I very much wanted a second child, we were actively trying.

After a really busy month, international house move etc, I woke up one morning feeling crap. Did the maths, thought 'oh no, I'm pregnant'. I was miserable. Sick as a dog. Tired and miserable.

There's a thing called antenatal depression. It's hormonal, and is irrelevant to how you feel about the baby, being pregnant or anything else.

Fortunately for me, I already knew I had strong opinions about termination and I stuck with it. I'm so pleased I did, he's 20 now! Some months were better than others. It didn't magically improve on day 90.

I'd suggest trying hard for a couple of weeks, distract yourself, have some fun. See whether it can be set to the back of your mind a bit. It's a really difficult thing for partners to have a different opinion on.

It is entirely your choice, ultimately.

Thanks for your input. I have decided that I will be sterilised if I terminate this pregnancy.

So you actually do not want children at all? Is this due to how you're feeling now, or have you always been a bit ambivalent or against the idea of children?

If you don't want children at all,ever, and this is unrelated to how you're feeling YANBU to have a termination.

Until you’ve actually had a baby, you have no idea how horrific the thought of termination is.

Had my baby, jumped on contraception (sometimes even doubled up) and decided that if I ever got pregnant again I'd have an abortion.

9 years on it's still plan B.

I think 8-10 weeks is a specifically horrid stage too - I had really bad sickness with both babies and I remember spending many evenings crying at this point.

I did feel sick all the way through but actually once the fatigue of the first trimester passed it was much easier to cope with. Getting out for some exercise (gentle if thats all you can stand) helped a lot. Working out what I could eat was also helpful
I swore for years I wouldn't have another baby, got brave enough to do it again and felt worse. But it was worth it!

On the plus side, the sickness meant I didn't pile on loads of weight, and I felt absolutely amazing once the babies were out.

I think what I'm trying to say is don't underestimate how shit feeling tired and sick can make you feel.

I had hyperemesis. Jesus, I have never wanted to die as much.

I'm not joking. I would literally have preferred to die than to feel as bad as I did.

At the time, abortion wasn't easily accessible here and I felt way, way too sick to travel for it. So I felt like I was stuck with a pregnancy that I was genuinely too ill to want.

I have a fantastic child out of it now! I love him to the depths of my soul.

But I can't say for certain that I wouldn't have gotten a termination if I'd had easy access to one.

NOW I'm glad of course. Because he's real. He's my child and I adore him.

But I can say I 100% understand the desire to get rid of this thing that feels like it's destroying you.

It's very easy for people who don't get it to be sanctimonious.

But @mrt1981 nobody can make this decision for you. Nobody can tell you whether it's a good idea or not.

I'm tempted to say stick it out but only because I have my son out of it, IYSWIM?

My only advice is not to listen to the pompous shite on here, I suppose!

Hi love,
I understand sort of how you must be feeling. Mine was a wanted pregnancy, but I started feeling very anxious after I got pregnant that I’d made a mistake. I was very sick and generally ill and miserable for ages.
Acknowledging how awful pregnancy can be for some women would help people feel less guilty. I really think, if you’ve breezed through pregnancy, you have no idea of how it can effect other people.
The sickness turned into depression, or coincided with it and I was considering termination. I didn’t want to, but in the blur of how awful and low I felt, it seemed like the sensible choice. I understand how scary and crap those early weeks can feel, regardless of whether the pregnancy was planned or not.

I would say that none of it has any bearing on what kind of mother you’ll be. I felt so guilty for having these thoughts, and afterwards I had terrible postnatal depression and bonding difficulties, mainly because of all the guilt! I wish I hadn’t been so hard on myself because actually pregnancy can be so fucking hard, mentally and physically. Because there’s a baby at the end of it, people expect you to be in a permanent state of bliss, or at the very least, put up with it because you brought it on yourself etc. But that’s bollocks. It’s hard and shit for lots of women.

I can’t tell you what to do, but now, three years down the line from that shitty pregnancy, I’ve never felt my contented with my life. I have a wonderful little boy who id walk on hot coals for. It’s taken a long time and a lot of therapy to get to this point, and you may decide that it’s not a gamble you want to take.

But I just wanted you to know you’re not alone in these feelings, especially when you’re so sick. Ambivalence and regret are a pretty normal part of pregnancy from what I know of my friends. It’s a headfuck and there’s every chance you could have antenatal depression. But it can get better, things can feel better. Maybe don’t make a decision without trying some treatment- for both the sickness and for your mental state. Above all, don’t feel like you have anything to feel guilty for. You’re doing the absolute best you can right now.
Good luck xx

You are never unreasonable to terminate for any reason, whatever anyone else thinks of your reasons.

Until you’ve actually had a baby, you have no idea how horrific the thought of termination is

ODFOD. I had an abortion, then I had three children, and I was even more pro choice after having my children than beforehand. If by some strange chance I became pregnant again I would definitely terminate without a moment's thought, and there would be nothing horrific about it.

I would also like to say I don't care how many people disagree with me for saying how I feel I think terminations should be illegal unless they involve rape, life threatening for the mother or a severe disability that the child will have no quality of life.

And people should care about your opinion because...?

Absolutely your body and your choice.
If it is affecting your mental health so much that you are suicidal then I would suggest termination is your best option.

I was the minority that was sick through the entire pregnancy.
It was horrible, but I did get through it.
Birth not great either.
I have a wonderful DD, who at 22 is a best friend as well.
But that was it for me.
I hated every minute of pregnancy and birth and stopped at one!
I'd never put myself through that again.

You do what is right and best for YOU right now OP!

I would also like to say I don't care how many people disagree with me for saying how I feel I think terminations should be illegal unless they involve rape, life threatening for the mother or a severe disability that the child will have no quality of life

Oh yeah! That will solve the over population and us killing the planet. Let's add thousands upon thousands of unwanted humans to the population. What a wonderful idea!

I can safely say that nobody gives a flying fuck if some randomer on the internet thinks abortion should be illegal unless it meets her criteria.

I know someone who had a termination for this reason. She is now looking into adoption and very excited about it.

You ABSOLUTELY should make a decision based on your health (mental and physical) and this is a perfectly rational reason to end a pregnancy.

I'd say go for the termination. It's your body and your choice, there is no point feeling shit for months on end. I agree with you it's better to do it sooner rather than later although there really isn't a reason to worry about a later termination provided you are within the legal timeframes.

As the late Bill Hicks once said, "You're not a human being until you're in my phone book."

@Crazymoo82

Really don't agree with terminations at all especially if the reason is because it is making you feel crappy. There are millions of people out there who can't ever have children of there own and would kill to be in your position.so yes in my opinion you are most definitely being unreasonable. I would also like to say I don't care how many people disagree with me for saying how I feel I think terminations should be illegal unless they involve rape, life threatening for the mother or a severe disability that the child will have no quality of life.

I assume you’re supporting the fostering and adoption services in your area since you’re so “pro-life”?

Doctor meds make me drowsy too even if they say non drowsy.
Try contacting a homeopathic Doctor. I had their medication this time (tastes like sweets) and it was amazing. Got me on my feet again. This pregnancy has been the most difficult of all but it really helped me and I wish I had it in my other pregnancies.
Then the first trimester will be over and you can start to enjoy the good things again.
Message me if you want help finding someone near you.