AIBU to terminate pregnancy because of how sh*tty I feel?

[mrt1981]

I wasn’t exactly trying, but I got pregnant.
At first I was happy but I am now 8 weeks pregnant and I am in hell. Constant sickness, crippling fatigue, generally feeling like absolute crap and have been signed off work. I went to the doctor and got prescribed an anti sickness drug. It takes the edge off slightly but also sends me to sleep so not much use in the day time (and this particular drug is supposed to be a non-drowsy one!)

I have spoken about termination with my partner and he is understandably very disappointed because he has been getting used to the idea of being a dad. He really wants me to go through with the pregnancy, and I feel terrible that I am having these doubts.

But I also just want to feel well again.

I read some of the symptoms usually fade away by the second trimester but for the minority they continue throughout the pregnancy. I am terrified I’ll be in this minority, I don’t want a baby so much that I am willing to live in hell for the next seven months.

If I do go down the termination route than I would want to do it ASAP as the longer I wait, the more it grows into a baby, and I personally find the idea of a late term abortion very upsetting. Whereas right now it’s more like a blob and less like a baby (in my head).

This on top of having what I think are common feelings of not really feeling sure if I want it. Surely if you have a baby you should be sure about wanting it? Although I’m not sure I don’t want it. I don’t know, my head is so messed up right now. I don’t feel any love towards it...

I just do not know what to do. I am split down the middle. Any input would be valued as not really got anyone to talk to about this other than DH.

Thanks

It's normal to have mixed feelings in my opinion especially if you feel so shit.

My question would be, are you unsure about wanting kids ever? If not, what do you think would feel different in say 5 years? Did you know the stats of how many people feel this bad compared to how many recover? I absolutely hated being pregnant though overall I did think it was worth it, and most people do, though if you don't want to continue the pregnancy you don't need to justify it to anyone else (apart from maybe the dad).

I personally feel the above poster is being harsh. At the moment it is (in my mind) a bunch of cells and doesn't 'deserve' anything. Some people feel like they're having a baby as soon as they see a positive sign. Personally I didnt until I had the second scan and could see it looked like a baby but still stayed unconnected emotionally until it was born. It doesnt make me any less of a parent now. Plenty of people are unsure at he start of pregnancy and then make good parents

Contact this organisation www.pregnancysicknesssupport.org.uk/. They also have a very supportive Facebook group

Ignore nc

OP - I did this. I was in absolute hell and I wanted to die. I never stopped vomiting, it’s impossible to explain how horrific it is.

But try to bear with it if you can. The thing is it made me suffer awful depression as I was so ill.

a close friend of mine is 42,was trying to get pregnant for years, was told chances were slim, but now she's naturally pregnant with twins, shes having the most horrendous pregnancy ive heard off, she's constantly sick, fainting, dizzy, fatigue, just completely drained and been in and out of hospital, she's 22 weeks now and no better. she looks awful, but her desire to be a mum, and the love she feels for them, is getting her through, nothing would make her terminate.
what im saying really is, you have to think carefully about if you do want a baby, if its going to be worth it for you, and you must make the decision that's right for you, just think of everything before you make a decision either way! good luck

I’ve expressed myself badly but honestly, if you don’t want the baby enough to put up with this to have it then you really need to question whether you should be having it. It might be a bundle of cells now but if you keep it it will be a human that DOES deserve to be wanted. You have a choice, and loads of people are telling you you’ll get through it etc but that sentence of yours made it quite clear to me that you don’t want to get through it. And if you don’t, then you don’t have to. You have choices.

They are very different when they are out of you nc and if you don’t know that then quite honestly you shouldn’t be commenting.

AND is a thing. Would you respond to a woman with birth trauma who wasn’t bonding with her baby in the same way? This OP is unwell, she is very sick, tired, weary, depressed.

When we remember people refuse chemo because of the awful side effects (being sick) it shouldn’t be surprising should it that op is struggling? People literally choose to die rather than continue.

Plenty of people feel scared and doubtful in pregnancies that have been planned. If you don’t want to have a baby, you don’t need to have one. Can you try and get some specialist counselling so you can talk through it with someone neutral?

You need to think long and hard about having this baby. Because if you really wanted it, you’d put up with the feeling ill, especially as it’s highly likely to pass in a few weeks.

As someone who had hyperemesis in both pregnancies I get it. I struggled to bond due to how shit I felt

That said, get back to the gp and request different drugs. The first line ones rarely work, for me ondansetron was a game changer. I still wasn't 100%, but I felt human!

I’m well aware how different it is when they’re out of you thanks. But my personal opinion is that people shouldn’t be pushed to having a child they don’t want. Parenting isn’t for everyone. OP has stated on her other post that she’s considering never having children. Accidentally getting pregnant is NOT a reason to have a baby.

You should do whatever works best for you. Classic "your body, your choice" decision.

I had awful sickness throughout most my pregnancy (baby under 1). Go back to the doctors If you decide to keep the baby, there are different tablets available. I went back twice and finally got one that worked and it wasn’t even for sickness (omeprazole?).

Every other pregnant person I know has felt better by 14 weeks, but it can last the whole time. I felt better at 36 weeks and gave birth at 42. Even though I felt sick as tired 90% of the time I found things that worked for me. Early Mat leave and resting, eating certain foods etc.

I’d do it all again but I completely understand how hard it can be. Don’t rush into any decisions

I felt absolutely horrific at 8 weeks, could barely turn my head. I honestly didn’t know how I’d cope.”, signed off work, By 14 weeks all was better. Even if all wasn’t better my baby is so worth it.

I gave birth a few months ago and I can 100% tell you I would do it 10 times over to have my beautiful baby.

My baby was very much planned, wanted and loved from day 1. But I was horrendously horrendously ill. My symptoms started at 6 weeks and began to ease at 14 weeks. I finally felt normal again at 20 weeks.

But I also just want to feel well again.

I can relate to that statement so much. I also considered termination, although it was much more hypothetical in my case. It was more a question of 'If I could just press a button, could I bring myself to do it to feel well again?' I couldn't bring myself to do it personally, but it was more than once that I asked myself that question when the symptoms kicked in. It's just so relentless and if it's your first baby you almost don't know if it's worth it? You're kind of thinking 'How can anything be worth this'. I also googled surrogates because I was thinking that surely there was some other way that I could just not be pregnant and still have a baby.

Anyway, long story short now I have my son I honestly would (and am planning) to do it all again. He's the absolute highlight and center of my world and was 100% worth it. In the middle of it all it feels never ending, but it will end. Either it will fizzle out in the second trimester or it will certainly end when the baby arrives.

YANBU to make the right decision for you regarding either keeping or terminating the pregnancy. But try to remember back to when you found out you were pregnant? Why didn't you terminate then? If you want this baby you can absolutely 100% get through this and it will be so worth it.

Nobody should be pushed in to having a child, but there is a real taboo around how women who have conditions like hyperemesis can feel in pregnancy. In both of my pregnancies I 100% wanted to be pregnant (i.e. they were planned wanted babies) but there were times when I was so ill, so exhausted, that I really didn't think I could cope and contemplated not continuing. The main thing that kept me going was that my GP was responsive and kept giving me different meds to try which even if they didn't work long term would often give me a bit of respite for a few days.

Feeling like that in pregnancy is no indication of the sort of mother you will become.

@Thepilotlightsgoneout

You need to think long and hard about having this baby. Because if you really wanted it, you’d put up with the feeling ill, especially as it’s highly likely to pass in a few weeks.

This isn’t always true. I had horrible morning sickness up until the third trimester. Like OP the medications took the edge off but I was still very very ill, vomiting multiple times a day and ending up In hospital a few times.

Not everyone has an easy pregnancy (I’m currently almost 42 weeks and hating every moment) but most of the time I want this baby. It’s been hard to bond though with feeling so sick all the time plus add in the stress of Covid 19 as well.

OP - only you know what’s right for you. YANBU to consider all your options

How bad do you feel now in terms of sickness and how bad will you feel in terms of regret for the rest of your life if you terminate? The sickness will pass, even if it’s the day you give birth, but the decision to terminate is forever so it has to be the right one for you.
Nobody else can really advise, we aren’t walking in your shoes.
I had terrible sickness in both my pregnancies and had to try a few combinations of anti sickness pills to get any relief so I do sympathise with how awful you feel OP

I wouldn't judge you for this OP.
Only you can decide though. I've known people suffer all the way through while others feel better at 13 - 16 weeks. When you just dont know it's so hard to make a decision.
I guess the other thing to consider is if not now, would you ever want to go through this again at another time?
Good luck with your decision and dont let your partner pressure you, its absolutely got to be your decision although I appreciate it'll be very difficult for him.

If you want to keep the baby go back to the GP. They have better meds you just have to beg for them!

I just wanted to say that it's hard to describe how awful hyperemises makes you feel. 'Pregnancy sickness support' are amazing. They have a helpline you can call and a forum where you can talk to others in the same position. They can help you talk to your gp to get the better medication. With support you can do it if you want to.
It's often not 'just a few weeks' it can be months of hell but it is worth it.i also had doubts as I felt so incredibly ill you are not alone in these thoughts. I've also been through it twice its very hard to explain but there's a study called 'I could not survive another day' which is helpful and shows with the right support you can get through. It's your choice but there is support out there to at least help you think a bit more clearly about your choices.

You need to go back to your GP and tell them how you feel. You've probably been prescribed cyclizine which is normally prescribed first of all. There are other anti sickness you can take which will help. There is a hyperemesis thread on here. They'll direct you to the pregnancy support website with helpline numbers and guidance for your next GP visit. Please use these to help you. Hyperemesis is beyond awful. I was bed bound until 16 weeks but I got through it. If you don't want to go ahead that's your choice but there is support out there from other women who have felt exactly as you do 💐

I completely understand how you feel. I had bad morning sickness with my first pregnancy and HG with my second and third, it's not just 'a bit of sickness or nausea' it's all consuming and you can't get away from it.

The thought of abortion did cross my mind, but I had decided I wanted the babies and also felt too ill to think about trying to arrange one.

My sickness lasted pretty much throughout the pregnancies but it did get much easier. If the sickness tablets are not really working then ask the GP to prescribe some different ones as some are better than others.

The best tip I was given was to try to stay hydrated as dehydration makes you feel worse. The only thing I could eat at times were ice cubes or home made ice lollles.

Wishing you all the best whatever you decide.

@Maggie90

I felt absolutely horrific at 8 weeks, could barely turn my head. I honestly didn’t know how I’d cope.”, signed off work, By 14 weeks all was better. Even if all wasn’t better my baby is so worth it.

I gave birth a few months ago and I can 100% tell you I would do it 10 times over to have my beautiful baby.

Glad it worked all worked out for you and your baby. Did you feel maternal before you had baby? Did you ever consider termination?