AIBU to terminate pregnancy because of how sh*tty I feel?

[mrt1981]

I wasn’t exactly trying, but I got pregnant.
At first I was happy but I am now 8 weeks pregnant and I am in hell. Constant sickness, crippling fatigue, generally feeling like absolute crap and have been signed off work. I went to the doctor and got prescribed an anti sickness drug. It takes the edge off slightly but also sends me to sleep so not much use in the day time (and this particular drug is supposed to be a non-drowsy one!)

I have spoken about termination with my partner and he is understandably very disappointed because he has been getting used to the idea of being a dad. He really wants me to go through with the pregnancy, and I feel terrible that I am having these doubts.

But I also just want to feel well again.

I read some of the symptoms usually fade away by the second trimester but for the minority they continue throughout the pregnancy. I am terrified I’ll be in this minority, I don’t want a baby so much that I am willing to live in hell for the next seven months.

If I do go down the termination route than I would want to do it ASAP as the longer I wait, the more it grows into a baby, and I personally find the idea of a late term abortion very upsetting. Whereas right now it’s more like a blob and less like a baby (in my head).

This on top of having what I think are common feelings of not really feeling sure if I want it. Surely if you have a baby you should be sure about wanting it? Although I’m not sure I don’t want it. I don’t know, my head is so messed up right now. I don’t feel any love towards it...

I just do not know what to do. I am split down the middle. Any input would be valued as not really got anyone to talk to about this other than DH.

Thanks

I just wanted to add

Surely if you have a baby you should be sure about wanting it? Although I’m not sure I don’t want it. I don’t know, my head is so messed up right now. I don’t feel any love towards it

I didn't have the best childhood, as a result I struggle to trust and bond to people. Throughout my pregnancy as much as I knew I wanted the baby and he had been planned. I didn't feel bonded to him at all. I didn't realise it at the time but I was so scared of losing him because of how much I loved him, that I sort of didn't let myself feel the love?

I'm not saying that's the case for you. But it could be? I had counselling post birth as I had quite severe complications and had something similar to PTSD after birth.

Looking back now I see that everything I felt whilst pregnant and shortly after the birth was definitely as a result of the fear of losing him. Looking back I see that all of it was a coping mechanism, if I didn't get attached then I couldn't lose him.

But to refer back to my previous post. Once I got past all of that he became my absolute world and I'd definitely do it again in a heartbeat, but this time without the fear.

PPs suggestions of seeking counselling to try to work through your thoughts is very sensible. If you google 'Skype Therapy' you can get online sessions booked in very quickly to help assist you in making the right decision for you.

This horrible first trimester is the hump you would will need to get over if you ever want children. It's horrible, most of us have been there with it, and for the majority it does improve, and so I'm not without sympathy, as it really is pants, but it's also to an extent part of the process. You can get medication to help, or just take the one you've got that makes you drowsy. Just take it day by day, and you can get there if you want this baby.

You are 20% way through your pregnancy and probably about half way through this crappy point, and if you terminate, then you'd have to go through it all again if you ever wanted to try again.

Most of us, even those with horrific pregnancies are glad they did it in the end. Parenthood does involve a lot of sacrifice at times, and pregnancy can be a brutal introduction to that. But it is time limited, and the rewards will last the rest of your life.

As someone who suffered hyperemesis throughout my pregnancies I can relate.

1st pregnancy was very much wanted but I had times when I questioned if it was what I really wanted and would've considered termination later in the pregnancy if it wasn't too late as I really had had enough-at times I just wanted to curl up and die.

That said pushing the Dr to find some meds that worked was very helpful and for my 2nd pregnancy (wanted but not planned/expected so soon) I went straight to these at the 1st signs of repetitive sickness and the whole pregnancy was a lot better despite other complications.

Only you can decide but perhaps go back to your Dr and see if you can find some meds that work-then make a decision based on your true feelings and not your feelings towards the sickness.

I suffered from hyperemesis as well and in my second pregnancy I was hospitalised for 14 weeks.

It was my choice to continue with the pregnancy and we had our much loved son, but it is also your choice whether or not you terminate.

You're not unreasonable to want a termination for any reason, it's your life, your body.

But I would second the posted above who suggested another visit to the doctor, even for a chat or a change of medication if you decide you want to continue.

Pregnancy really does make you feel crap

@IdblowJonSnow

I wouldn't judge you for this OP. Only you can decide though. I've known people suffer all the way through while others feel better at 13 - 16 weeks. When you just dont know it's so hard to make a decision. I guess the other thing to consider is if not now, would you ever want to go through this again at another time? Good luck with your decision and dont let your partner pressure you, its absolutely got to be your decision although I appreciate it'll be very difficult for him.

Thanks for your input. I have decided that I will be sterilised if I terminate this pregnancy.

8 weeks is the worst. If you are on the fence and you terminate then you'll think 'what if' forever, especially if you don't get pregnant again. If any part of you wants a baby then you will feel better at some point. It doesn't last forever and you are more likely to get better than not. From what I read, hg is full on vom fest so if you just feel like absolute shite then its pretty normal. If you got to 8 weeks then I think part of you does want kids...

That is pretty extreme OP please don't decide anything like that now. I really think you should consider a few sessions of counseling before you do anything.

It does get better OP. I had horrendous sickness with my baby. Think throwing up 10+ times a day at all hours, it even used to wake me up at night to be sick, I was not able to eat or drink, hospitalised, the works. But I did get better and it stopped around 20 weeks.
If the drugs from the drs aren't working, go back and get some different ones that help more and see how you feel.
Honestly, I completely get it. There were times where I thought I simply couldn't do it anymore and wanted to die. I would lay one the bathroom floor sobbing as I was sick and wretching so hard that all I was bringing up was blood. I lost so much weight and looked awful and I questioned if it was all worth it but it truly is once they are here.
However, it is your body and your choice so you have to do what is best for you.

So your options at the moment are:

• continue with this pregnancy that made you happy, and feel really shit for somewhere between a few weeks and a few months and then you have a baby.

• terminate the pregnancy, get sterilised, never have a biological child.

I totally understand, but you are very much letting your nausea and sickness rule how you feel here. I worry they if you go down the second route you will feel a lot of regret. How does your husband feel about never having a biological child as well? (Whilst it's your decision not his, it is naive to think that deciding to never have a child won't have any impact).

I think you need to go back to the doctor's and try to get the nausea under control. But I can't stress enough, this is a short time of unpleasantness for a lifetime of having a child.

This is a good description of my second and very much wanted pregnancy. I asked for a termination because it was so bad I couldn't cope or take care of my DC1 - my GP wasn't willing to prescribe anythibg. If it wasn't for a wonderful hospital doctor who took me seriously and sorted out proper medication, I'm not sure what I would have done.

Few people feel so bad all the way through and there are several medications available that can be taken together. Please let your midwife know how desperate you are feeling. When I was at my lowest, they gave me an injection in hospital that gave me almost immediate relief for 24 hours and helped me think more clearly.

OP I had this and my pregnancy was also unplanned. I don't think someone who hasn't experienced Hyperemesis can possibly understand what it feels like. I remember crying daily to my mum that I just wanted to die.
Only you can make this choice. I do think it would be worth speaking to a counselor though.

I agree with @NC10873

If u can't deal with sickness to the point where u want to abort a baby because of it, then you will never be able to handle life after pregnancy.

The first trimester was really awful. Pregnancy is crap but the result is (hopefully) a lovely baby.

I think you need to consider whether you will regret a termination. It might seem like a easy fix to your sickness now but in the long run will it be good for your mental health and general wellbeing? I'm not unsympathetic towards how unwell you're feeling but it seems like a termination is a huge over reaction to how crap you feel now.

But, obviously, you know yourself best and if you think that this is the right decision for you for now and the long run then go for the termination. Feck anyone who criticises you for it.

Don't terminate because of morning sickness. I really think you'll regret it if you do. That's my advice!

@mrt1981

It makes me feel awful to say it now but no I didn’t feel maternal. I cried until 10 weeks pregnant and had regular breakdowns to my DP telling him my life was ruined.

I would say the turning point for me was 17 weeks when I paid for a private scan and found out I was having a boy and saw his little face.

By 20 weeks I was completely in love with my bubba.

I never thought I’d be a mumsy mum, never really been maternal, DP wanted baby, I put it off for four years, but I am so in love. Every morning when I wake up I just can’t believe he’s here. He’s just completed my life.

And I have become the dreaded mumsy mum!

I can totaly

Honestly that's utter bollocks. Even though they were much wanted I felt little love or attachment to my babies in utero, especially at the early stages. I love them once they're here. Vomiting 20+ times a day, every day , is a special kind of hell and the way it's downplayed contributes to women not getting the help they need.

How you feel with your head down the toilet retching, yet again, doesn't tell you shit about your ability to deal with parenthood

I was like you throughput both my pregnancies, ill as fuck and felt just awful. But it was worth it. It's only a few months, i know that sounds a long time but it really isn't.

I understand how you feel, I had the same thoughts at around same gestation but didn't dare verbalise them. We went through 7 years of infertility, a TFMR and a failed IVF attempt before finally getting pregnant with my now DD. I felt so dark and joyless and had some thoughts on abortion but I felt ashamed that I should even be thinking it after all the longing and heartache so just faked it until I made it. I'm not sure if it was prenatal depression, sickness, fear or extreme tiredness but it all lifted by the start of the second trimester and then I started to get excited and love her.
I don't want to sway you too much but its likely that it will pass. There are so much hormones surging that it can give you disturbing thoughts. I would suggest giving it another couple of weeks to really think about what you want. I know it will be harder if you do decide to go ahead but you need to know what you really want.
I wish you well with whatever you decide

I was sick as a dog through my first pregnancy so I get it. Nothing can prepare you for it.

If you want to try a couple more things before you decide on the termination, then I recommend:

So, first look up the advice on the hyperemesis support thread here. You will get advice on the meds.

Go back to the dr. There are lots of different drugs and some can be combined. Some are more effective than others. Don't give up

Ask for an anti acid like omeprazole from the GP.
This actually improved my sickness more than anything else. I only started it at 20 weeks but wishes I'd started earlier.

Go for an early private scan, you will see and hear the heartbeat. It might make u feel different.

Sickness will pass, pregnancy is not fun.

I was sick and basically lay on the couch until 24 weeks then I randomly felt okish. didn’t feel connected or “in touch” with the baby while I was pregnant. I never considered termination an option though.

You have a little baby that needs you, rest, relax and sip ice chips and eat carbs. Don’t feel guilty about taking it easy.

Most women go through a period of feeling sick and exhausted in early pregnancy. Most women pass through the sickness phase by 13 weeks. A few women feel sick until birth. You have to decide if you want a baby or not.

Ginger is good for sickness. DH used to bring me tea in bed with hi ger biscuits before I could get out of bed in early weeks.

Get some counselling and make a decision you feel is right for YOU. People who haven't had hyperemesis often cannot grasp how bad it is and spew out other tripe (no pun intended). You don't need to justify a reason for terminating a pregnancy or for your reproductive choices to anyone.

Please ignore twee, guilt-tripping drivel about 'little babies' and such. If you don't want to be pregnant, then don't be.