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Talk

Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

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Original poster

Regretted abortion and now want a baby

110 replies

Owl82 · 16/10/2019 10:08

I'm looking for advice I dont want to upset anyone but I'm in such a hard place, I had a termination 4 weeks ago! It was the biggest mistake of my life I'm 37 (I have 3 children) and now feel I have thrown my chance away, we have thought about trying again but I feel like that it would be so wrong, and also I dont want to be judged, I feel like an evil person, is it wrong to try for another child I cant leave it a year or to I'm getting to old now, or should I forget about the whole thing and try and move forward, it's so hard!

OP posts:

lottelupin · 18/10/2019 13:02

Fun I think you put it very well. All love to you. Thank you also for speaking up.

Owl this was your pregnancy and it is your loss and grief and hormones. Those of us who understand have the utmost respect for those feelings and for what you're going through.

Time will tell what you want to do, but if your desire to have another baby persists, remember you are not at fault and you made a decision based on not the full picture. So don't blame yourself. Feel sorry for yourself. It's like you've been run over. You need to process what's happened - because the lack of support and not being given the full picture, and also not truly being able to know what the option was until you'd done it, all complicates your feelings even more, and adds more layers of grief and fear, anger, confusion, hopelessness and loneliness.

But you're not alone. We know exactly how you feel. Exactly.

Process the car crash. Give yourself a breather. You are an innocent person in what's happened. And if you feel like having a baby, have one. That too is your choice, and your absolute right.

Original poster

Owl82 · 18/10/2019 19:52

Thank you all for your helpful advice, Fun and Lotte u have both been so supportive ❤ I am so grateful to have herd your experiences in this difficult situation and how you have got better with time, it gives me great hope that I will be where you are both now someday, who knows what will happen in the future, I will take each day as it comes, and hope for the best, I think that is all I can do now. Xx

OP posts:

PatricksRum · 19/10/2019 02:58

This reply has been deleted

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NotMyFinestMoment · 19/10/2019 03:22

You have only very recently had a termination. The circumstances which led you to make that decision are likely to be the same, so nothing will have changed in such a short space of time. You are now grieving the loss of your child and you need to take time to get over this loss before you consider bringing another child in the world.Your hormones are also likely to be all over the place and this may be the case for a little while longer. Try and take at least a minimum of 6-12 months out before you consider this again as you do really need to think this through properly and not make any snap/rash decisions based on how you feel now (as in time that will change). The most important thing is to grieve first and then hopefully you will be able to move past this grief, then you will be in the right place to think about if you would like another child. You are still only 37, so you still have a few years ahead of you to have more children. Consider getting some grief counselling and ask your GP for a referral for you.

funinthesun19 · 19/10/2019 07:18

It's not. If I sold my phone and reported it as lost/ stolen I'd get in trouble.

You think this is one big joke don’t you? Now you’re trivialising a termination by comparing it to selling a phone 🙈 Fucking hell.

OP chose to not have a baby. The choice wasn't made for her. It wasn't natural. It was unnatural and conscious.

It’s a choice usually made when the woman is in distress and then the grief sets in afterwards. I think you really need to open your mind a bit. It’s more than just a choice.

funinthesun19 · 19/10/2019 07:35

This feeds into the hands of anti-abortioners, believing a woman isn't capable of understanding, and therefore making, a decision to terminate.

Abortions are often presented as positive and straightforward. You have this and then can move on with your life. I’m not anti abortion, but some of what the anti abortionists say about women suffering afterwards is true.

PatricksRum · 19/10/2019 11:06

You think this is one big joke don’t you? Now you’re trivialising a termination by comparing it to selling a phone 🙈 Fucking hell.

No more humorous than you find comparing it to miscarriage.

It’s a choice usually made

Brilliant. Glad we've clearer that up. A choice and therefore not lost.

funinthesun19 · 19/10/2019 12:01

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funinthesun19 · 19/10/2019 12:02

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funinthesun19 · 19/10/2019 12:05

This subject is about terminations. But once again miscarriages get dragged in to it. I’m afraid it’s you who is making all the comparisons.

Two different circumstances. Two different losses. I know you won’t change your mind about the matter but neither will I

Original poster

Owl82 · 19/10/2019 12:09

Patricksrum no one was trying to compare a miscarriage loss to be the same, but everything that has been said is exactly the way that some woman feel and that's not wrong, (just like you are not wrong in how you feel either) when I spoke over the phone to the helpline that was how they described it as a loss, but in a different way.

I came on here looking for help and advice on how to cope through this time, I didnt want to be made to feel even more guilty than I do, (i can do that all by myself!) at the end of the day you are entitled to your opinion, but sometimes it's best to say nothing as it doesnt help in this situation.

OP posts:

Phuquocdreams · 19/10/2019 12:10

Patrick, I have had one abortion and 3 miscarriages, the first of which was long, drawn out and traumatic. The abortion was by far the worst experience and trauma so I don’t really know what you’re getting at here.

funinthesun19 · 19/10/2019 14:55

I hope you’re ok OP. I know this thread will have helped and not helped at the same time.

PatricksRum · 19/10/2019 15:02

@Phuquocdreams Whats your point?

@funinthesun19 saying the OP lost her baby is comparing it to a miscarriage.

@Owl82 Im not making you feel guilty. If you feel guilty that's on you, not me. I'm not here with an anti abortion poster. Don't accuse me of making you feel guilty.

funinthesun19 · 19/10/2019 15:11

@funinthesun19 saying the OP lost her baby is comparing it to a miscarriage

No it’s not because I’m not talking about miscarriage. This thread isn’t about miscarriage. It’s about the feeling of loss after having a termination.

PatricksRum · 19/10/2019 15:15

@funinthesun19 I didn't say you did. I was replying to someone else up thread and you joined in. If it's not relevant to you I'm not sure why you're responding.

funinthesun19 · 19/10/2019 15:22

I’m responding to you because you’ve repeatedly said a termination can never be a loss. To some women it really really is.

Nobody gets to put a claim on the word loss and tell others who have been through something different they’re not allowed to use “their word”.

Original poster

Owl82 · 19/10/2019 15:29

I don't know why you joined in on this thread patricksrum, you havent given any contructive advice u have just gone on about the same thing it's like you are looking for an argument, I thought this was ment to be a helpful site to help people when they are in need not to keeping having a go at everyone who tries to offer advice, its turning into a rant which is not why I posted!

OP posts:

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 19/10/2019 19:11

I think the most constructive advice is to give it time......you haven't elaborated on the reasons why you felt you needed an abortion in the first place so it's difficult to provide any additional support/advice other than that

you can't replace what is now gone and you will be doing yourself, the baby and the free medical services you accessed a disservice (I'm presuming NHS?) to decide within a matter of weeks that actually you do want to be pregnant

funinthesun19 · 19/10/2019 19:57

OP, you have to do what is right for you. You can wait a few months and see how you go, or try for a baby as soon as your body has recovered. Either way is not a wrong choice, because it’s your body and your life.

My DD was born 11 months after my termination. No, she doesn’t replace anybody, because she is her own little amazing person. But that doesn’t mean to say I can’t move my life forward and be happy and enjoy my DD as well as my older children.

PatricksRum · 19/10/2019 22:41

Incorrect. @funinthesun19

The one you lost is gone

I said she didn't lose a baby, I didn't say she didn't feel loss. I disagreed with the above statement.

PatricksRum · 19/10/2019 22:42

@Owl82 I commented because someone said you lost a baby. You didn't.

Original poster

Owl82 · 19/10/2019 23:15

You have made your point very clear now!! Please stop commenting I dont want to hear anymore, you are just going round in circles with everyone, it's not why I posted.

OP posts:

GaaaaarlicBread · 20/10/2019 00:09

@PatricksRum back off buddy we don’t need to hear anymore of that. That’s not why OP posted . Back off.

Bluerussian · 20/10/2019 00:48

Owl, I do hope you feel better soon. Please don't deliberately become pregnant again, when you're well you'll be glad to have the family that is already in existence and is quite enough for anyone to cope with.

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