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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

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Original poster

Regretted abortion and now want a baby

110 replies

Owl82 · 16/10/2019 10:08

I'm looking for advice I dont want to upset anyone but I'm in such a hard place, I had a termination 4 weeks ago! It was the biggest mistake of my life I'm 37 (I have 3 children) and now feel I have thrown my chance away, we have thought about trying again but I feel like that it would be so wrong, and also I dont want to be judged, I feel like an evil person, is it wrong to try for another child I cant leave it a year or to I'm getting to old now, or should I forget about the whole thing and try and move forward, it's so hard!

OP posts:
lottelupin · 17/10/2019 07:35

It isn't wrong to have another child. The one you lost is gone. You have, v sadly, realised your mistake. But if you have a new child, that will be a positive thing to have come out of this.

Don't blame yourself like this. You did what you considered to be best after having doubt listened to a lot of opinion about abortion being a 'sensible' choice. You weren't to know what it actually feels like.

It's very uncool on MN to say that abortion is anything other than sensible and acceptable. I believe 100% it's a personal choice, of course. But my own personal opinion is that it's a very bad thing, to be avoided at all costs and if at all possible. Not least because afterwards one can easily end up feeling as you do now. Which is very sad.

You have to let go of what you've lost, but luckily you can make it a lot better. You'll always grieve, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't give anyone else a chance to exist.

Personally I'd let life take over and have another baby. Xxx

AmIThough · 17/10/2019 07:47

It's a normal emotion to feel after an abortion.

Write down all of the reasons you chose to abort and decide whether they're still reasonable, rational reasons for you not to have another child.

Does your DH know how you feel?

Original poster
Owl82 · 17/10/2019 09:05

Hi, thank you both for responding to my post, I dont have many people to talk to, so I'm grateful.

Lottelupin your words are very kind, and positive and give me hope, I will never forgive myself for what I did and maybe some will say I shouldn't either, but I will try to be kinder to myself.

AmiThough, my partner knows how I feel, hes been a great support, if I was to write down all the reasons I had then yes some of them are still there, but what I realised now is they would be easily worked round, and managed if only I could have realised that at the time!😞

OP posts:
AmIThough · 17/10/2019 09:19

If you had your reasons you were completely justified in making the decision you did. It was right for you at the time. Please don't beat yourself up about that. We can't turn back the clock.

That doesn't mean you can't go on to have another child. The abortion doesn't make you a bad person, it was bad timing.

Be kind to yourself Thanks

PurpleDaisies · 17/10/2019 09:22

I would wait a bit for how you feel to settle down, and the rawness of it to pass. You didn’t choose to abort lightly. Have you had any counselling?

PatricksRum · 17/10/2019 14:26

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GrumpyHoonMain · 17/10/2019 14:29

Park the idea for 3-6 months and re-examine when you aren’t feeling the same level of grief.

lottelupin · 17/10/2019 15:00

Ha here we go. She did lose her baby. Because she agreed to something in all good faith that it was an ok choice, and didn’t realise actually what she was doing. Now she does, and feels bad. What she feels now is grief, only made worse by the fact that she also feels guilty for her role in the loss of her child. I’m not going to make it more explicit than that, as it won’t help.

owl, it’s not your fault that you didn’t know how you’d actually feel. Personally I think the reason why abortions weren’t supposed to be low key and so east to arrange is just for that reason: because it’s actually a huge and life-changing thing to do. I’m this case, not giving you an abortion would actually have protected you. According to the actual law, it’s supposed to be something that’s only allowed in exceptional circs. But over the years it’s been interpreted differently and now it’s suggested by gps to women even in strong relationships with no problems. When I told my gp about being pregnant with my daughter, she said ah, ok - and, are you planning to keep the baby? - because they aren’t allowed to assume.

Anyhow, IMO as you have said the seeming obstacles are actually easily sorted, and your DP is supportive, I think just go forwards with life and have another baby. Of course. It’s a no-brainer.

lottelupin · 17/10/2019 15:01

Meant in my opinion : )

INeedNewShoes · 17/10/2019 15:04

Your hormones will be all over the place. You need recovery time before you can give serious consideration to this.

INeedNewShoes · 17/10/2019 15:07

and didn’t realise actually what she was doing.

Let's give the OP more credit than that shall we? I respect her honesty (and bravery posting here).

It would be surprising if this thread doesn't upset some people here and that won't be helped by other posters painting a different picture and calling it a 'loss'.

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 17/10/2019 15:12

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lottelupin · 17/10/2019 15:23

I’m simply saying that she is feeling grief. No, it’s not the same as the shock and distress of losing a baby through a physical event such as miscarriage or still birth or a birth gone wrong, etc. It’s not the same as seeing your baby and he if she not being alive. But there are elements of grieving the loss of a baby that are the same.

Another shock that can be identified with abortion is that this act was confined and allowed by the medical profession and the state. I had that feeling. I felt how could they possibly do this, and have allowed this to be done to me? How could they have told me this is ok when it so isn’t? I’m not saying owl or anybody sort from me has ever felt that, but am mentioning as a possible element of the grief and shock felt by some after an abortion.

What owl has said about the reasons why she did it is that she now sees she could have worked around them. So they aren’t reason enough any more not to have a baby.

And of course she isn’t going to replace one child with another. She will have one who isn’t here, and one who is.

lottelupin · 17/10/2019 15:24

That this act was condoned by the state

Branleuse · 17/10/2019 15:30

completely normal after abortion. Its partly a hormone thing and usually for most people passes after a few months

StealthMama · 17/10/2019 16:03

OP just to say I'm sorry you went through this and now feel this way, it must be awful for you.

You absolutely have the right to choose now to have another baby if that's what is right for your family.

Hormones do play a part at this stage. Perhaps see how you feel in the new year, your not too old and can take the time you need to be certain x

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 17/10/2019 16:18

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funinthesun19 · 17/10/2019 17:11

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funinthesun19 · 17/10/2019 17:11

*if

VisionQuest · 17/10/2019 17:16

I also think you should see how you feel in 6 months time.

Not wanting to dismiss your feelings but I suspect you might feel differently further down the line.

Also, if you were to have another, you will likely feel guilty that you terminated the other one. Is that something you think you can cope with?

funinthesun19 · 17/10/2019 17:16

Sorry about the outburst, but I think a lot of people are really ignorant when it comes to terminations. It is not as black and white as people make it out to be and it really pisses me off how people think it is.

Original poster
Owl82 · 17/10/2019 19:19

I'm sorry to have caused so much friction I generally didnt mean to cause offence like I said I have no one really to talk to and just needed some advice from someone who maybe knows or has gone through a similar situation.

It wasnt a snap decision, it was very difficult decision that I gave great thought about, i cried about it every day thinking what to do for the best, I never thought I'd be someone who would have ever consider it, but here I am, i had no idea I'd feel like this, when i went, I had no one even question my reasons, no one asked me anything, maybe as lm older they didnt think they needed to question me, I dunno, or maybe they never really do. It's nothing like i read about no counselling before, I have spoke over the phone to a helpline a few times for help in understanding.

I wouldnt wish anyone to be in this situation it's something I will have to live with forever.

VisionQuest I here what you are saying and I do worry about that as I know I can never have that baby back, I think maybe some time is best.

OP posts:
Original poster
Owl82 · 17/10/2019 19:32

Itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted, it was organised to fast, i got an app so quickly, which didnt expect, it gave me enough time to think about, now that I look back, I did consider re-scheduling but thot that it would just make it even harder!

OP posts:
Original poster
Owl82 · 17/10/2019 19:33

*Didnt

OP posts:
GaaaaarlicBread · 17/10/2019 19:40

Hi, I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way
You shouldn’t feel guilty , at the time you saw it fit to be the right decision .
I would leave it a couple of months to sort of , face your emotions , see how you feel etc . Evaluate how you feel I’m maybe two months and take it from there .

I hope you’re ok
Lots of love xx