Please or to access all these features

Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

Termination around 24 weeks

154 replies

CherryO88 · 19/08/2018 20:28

Firstly I cannot believe I am even having to contemplate. I am currently 21+3 pregnant with a very wanted and loved second pregnancy. All hell broke loose on Monday at my 20 week scan- baby has a major heart defect and she queried increased nuchal and slight rotation of the ankles. I have since seen a fetal cardiologist who diagnosed a complete AVSD probably with tetralogy of fallot. We have a 80% chance of this being due to Downs, although in my heart I know it is.
I am awaiting the harmony test and will have an amnio done with the fetal medical team on Thursday.
Once chromosomal syndrome is confirmed we are 90% we are not going to proceed with the pregnancy. This is due to our belief that the baby will not have a good quality of life and the road ahead is too uncertain and full of pain and suffering.
Has anyone any experience of a late term abortion? I live in NI so will have to travel and die to the laws here no medical professional has discussed this with me so far.
Thanks

OP posts:
AutisticHedgehog · 06/09/2018 11:28

Cherry I have just read this for first time today and I am so, so sorry you have had to go through this (and so angry for you that the laws in NI are so appalling in this area)

I wish you and Edith peace. She will always, always be part of you.

(And I think sleeping with the babygro was a wonderful idea )

My deepest condolences.

KisstheTeapot14 · 06/09/2018 11:54

Oh Cherry, I think the having the babygro for Edith is the most touching thing. We all want our loved ones to be held gently in death as much as in life.

I'm so sorry for your loss of your little girl. I hope and pray that if you are able to labour, it will be something that may help you heal rather than add any more pain to your burden.

In times gone by, long , long ago, people who died were often painted in red ochre and given back to the earth curled like a baby. They blessed their ones who had gone with flowers even then.

It just always reminds me that birth and death have always walked hand in hand, and somehow I find that feeling that we go in the footsteps of a greater tribe somehow comforting. That is the spirit in which I write. Not to make your loss any the lesser.

Anytime someone dies (especially before they have ben born) its like the loss of a whole world, a whole life with all its riches and sorrows.

If you want someone to talk to (apart from us here), this might be a good organisation. They have many ideas about remembering your baby.

Samaritans likewise, are always there to listen (I used to volunteer and people would call for all sorts - often grief) xxx

www.sands.org.uk/

Wellmeaning · 06/09/2018 12:18

I am so very sorry, Cherry. Deepest condolences to you, your husband and toddler daughter. I hope Edith is going to a better place.

We have a family member whose condition is not as bad as Edith’s and despite a long life, she has been and is a source of enormous worry and conflict (because of whose responsibility she now is after her parents’ death and so on). This is one of the saddest things I’ve ever read on here. So sorry for you.

Wellmeaning · 06/09/2018 12:21

Also praying for a quick labour for you. X

mittensofsteel · 06/09/2018 12:38

Thinking of you @CherryO88. I hope tomorrow is gentle for you. Flowers

heartsease68 · 06/09/2018 12:44
Flowers

I'm so so sorry. What a wonderful person you are. My love and prayers to you and your family.

mikeTV · 06/09/2018 12:55

I am so sorry.

I've had three babies around the same gestation and the labour was the same as for full term birth. You'll be induced i should think, so they can turn up the drip to speed things up. They were all breech so that didn't make much difference.

Even though they're smaller you'll still need to get to 10cm I think (or at least I did).

I hope your hospital has a specific room/area for people going through this. I also hope that you're getting lots of support. I can recommend SANDS when you feel strong enough to think about it.

Sending you lots of love.

mayhew · 06/09/2018 12:57

I am a midwife and I have cared for families in this situation. I am so sorry you are in this position. I have always found my colleagues to be very compassionate. You will be treated as bereaved parents and will be offered as much/ as little contact with Edith as you wish, such as washing, dressing, photos, hand and footprints etc.
Sometimes labour starts spontaneously after feticide, often with the water breaking. If that happens, go straight to the hospital.
Induction drugs as a pessary are used, and then a drip, if needed.
Once the labour starts properly, it's often quite quick.
You are usually offered patient controlled analgesia, where you give yourself pulses of an opiate drug as you wish. Gas and air is also available.

Once Edith is born, you will be able to spend time with her for as long as you wish.
You will be asked your wishes regarding a funeral.

Iputthescrewinthetuna · 06/09/2018 13:35

OP, I am so so so sorry. I am sitting here reading your post in tears. I have no words to even try to make you feel better, I am just sending you all of my thoughts and love. We may be strangers on the internet, but honestly, if you need to message a complete stranger without any judgement of anything you say, please feel free to message me. Xx

Kittykat93 · 06/09/2018 13:55

Extremely sad to read your update today, am very sorry for your loss. I will keep you in my thoughts tomorrow, and hope everything goes as well as it possibly can. Thanks

AnnieAnoniMoose · 06/09/2018 16:24

Oh my lovely, you poor thing x you’re being so brave for Edith, and I think it’s really lovely you have put your scent on her babygrow. None of us know what happens after our heats stop beating, so why wouldn’t you do anything you could for her? It’s not insane, its lovely. What else can you do? Talk to her. She’ll always be there, a part of you. Then get whatever help you need to deal with your grief so that you can live a happy life, continue being be a great mummy to your DD1 and wife to DH. Edith is a beautiful name, for a beautiful girl, who will always be a part of you 🌷

WizzbangWallopWot · 06/09/2018 17:56

I have nothing to add only I'm so incredibly sorry!

Love to Edith, her wonderful mum and her wonderful dad.

Edith is a beautiful name xxxx

TomHardysNextWife · 06/09/2018 22:13

Oh I'm sad to read your latest update. Don't be scared of labour, I had pessaries that they don't use with a live birth and labour was very quick once it got going. Because my wee boy was only 26 weeks, he delivered very quickly and without issue. We had him with us in the room for 3/4 hours, and I was discharged soon after. The midwives were amazing and took photos for us/handprints etc. I really cherish those and am glad they were done.

No parent should ever have to go through this. It's so cruel and senseless Flowers. Come back here whenever you need to talk it through.

CherryO88 · 10/09/2018 20:03

Hi ladies. What a few days. Edith blessed me with a quick (fast and furious!) labour, only needed 3 pessaries. Managed it with gas and air, while breaking DH hand. Midwife was only present for last 5 min when I desperately told her I needed to push.
Edith was a lot bigger than I expected, 1lb 7oz! And perfect. So so perfect. Oxytocin is a powerful hormone, I was on cloud 9 again when I held her. The babygro that I slept with didn’t fit her long legs! We ended up cutting the feet off to get it on her.
Midwives and consultants were fabulous and acknowledged our choice but we did not feel judged.
Logistics and politics again came into it, as I delivered after 24 weeks Edith is classed as a stillbirth and death certificate had to be issued. As we went to collect her little body from the morgue the dr rang me to say, in a move that they have never seen before, the coroner was refusing to sign off on her certificate until he did it personally. We were told we couldn’t have her funeral until this was done. When I queried why this happened the dr felt it was due to us ‘going to england’. I was enraged that yet again, even when our baby was born and we just wanted her home, we had judgement placed on us.
We got her home and she stayed by my side constantly. Her big sister met her, gave her a teddy and tried to show her peppa pig on the phone.
Her funeral was today and it was literally the most painful and difficult thing I have ever been through. Seeing my husband get into the grave to place her tiny white coffin will stay with me forever. I was a complete wreck all morning and all through the mass. I was so attached to her little body. Even though everyone kept telling me she wasn’t there, she was already gone. To me that was still my baby and I needed her to stay with me.
Now I feel a sense of relief, that we made it through today. Family and friends have been amazing. Everyone has been saying her name and promising to always remember and mention her.
We had a half an hour with her, just DH and I, before we closed the coffin. I told her everything I wanted to. We kissed her. I told her to wait for us and we will come find her when our time comes. I don’t think I’ll fear death as much now knowing Edith will be on the other side waiting for me. I long to hold her in my arms again.
Thank you for all the kind words and advice of everyone on this thread. It really really has helped me and writing it down has been a form of therapy. Thank you all Flowers

OP posts:
WTFdidwedo · 10/09/2018 20:22

I have just read the whole thread in tears. I am so incredibly sorry and so moved by your courage and bravery through this whole experience. Your daughter's actions in meeting her sister have really struck a nerve, how wonderful and caring of her.

I have no words to even come close to comforting you at this awful time, but I'm certain Edith is overjoyed at your outpourings of love for her and waiting patiently for your next meeting.Flowers

leighdinglady · 10/09/2018 20:28

Oh my god Cherry. What an amazing woman you are. I'm so so sorry you've gone through this. Your latest update has me sat here in tears. Please, please take time for yourself. I'm so sorry for your loss

alltalknobaby · 10/09/2018 20:42

You are inspirational and Edith is lucky to have you as a mummy. I have big tears rolling down my face and will squeeze my own 19 month old extra tight in the morning. Your story will stay with me. Thinking of you all xxx

heartsease68 · 10/09/2018 20:51

Flowers Flowers Flowers Flowers Flowers Flowers Flowers

WizzbangWallopWot · 10/09/2018 20:55

Edith is the luckiest child in the world, she's yours and you are hers.

I'm so desperately sorry that you didn't spend longer together.

XX XX

MissTeye · 10/09/2018 20:57

I have no words. My heart is breaking for you and your tiny baby Edith. I hope you find some peace at last Flowers

TomHardysNextWife · 10/09/2018 21:02

You've handled all of this with such courage and dignity.

Thinking of your beautiful Edith tonight, my little boy and all the other babies who weren't destined for this life.

Bless every single one of them and the broken hearted parents left to remember them Flowers

Cantrememberthistime123 · 10/09/2018 21:28

Cherry I have of course been following your thread.

I am truly sorry for the utter pain and heartbreak you have been through and must still be. I am so very sorry if my previous post upset you.

You are a stronger woman than me.

I can’t begin to imagine the hurdles you have been through. You have done Edith and your family so proud. I’m so very sorry for your loss. My heart aches for you and your grief but know there will come a time you don’t always feel this way.

Edith was and is very obviously, so loved and cherished, I hope your heart heals and wish you all the love and luck in the world xx

KisstheTeapot14 · 11/09/2018 12:09

Cherry, thank you so much for your post. So, so desperately sorry you have been through this, all of it. The paperwork and politics of having to travel and extra hoops with paperwork is just awful, on top of the loss of Edith.

I am glad you labour went smoothly, you had supportive midwives and that you got to say goodbye properly.

I cried when I read your post too. Wishing you love, and as someone said above of Edith 'she's yours and you are hers'. I don't know what happens once we leave this life, but in my heart of hearts I do think we find those we love again, somewhere beyond.

CherryO88 · 11/09/2018 21:05

Thank you so much. I’m afraid you’d all be disappointed if you met me in person. I am neither inspirational nor amazing. I am just a mummy who loved her baby enough to let her go.
@tomhardysnextwife I have thought about your little boy all day today too. At the graveyard this morning I noticed 2 other baby’s graves beside Edith’s. You just don’t hear of these babies dying. I hope they’re all together somewhere playing. Their innocence breaks my heart. Take care of yourself xxx
@cantrememberthistime thank you. I am so very sorry you have also experienced loss of a baby. It is soul destroying. You have given me hope that maybe in the future that the grief will no longer be just as intense.
@kisstheteapot if you had asked me last week if there was a god or afterlife I would’ve said no. Now I just have to believe that Edith has gone to a better place. A baby of pure innocence and love, that has to mean something. I just hope I get to see her again, I’ll wait my whole life for that

OP posts:
ChanandlerBongsNeighbour · 11/09/2018 21:25

Thinking of Edith x