Termination around 24 weeks

[CherryO88]

Firstly I cannot believe I am even having to contemplate. I am currently 21+3 pregnant with a very wanted and loved second pregnancy. All hell broke loose on Monday at my 20 week scan- baby has a major heart defect and she queried increased nuchal and slight rotation of the ankles. I have since seen a fetal cardiologist who diagnosed a complete AVSD probably with tetralogy of fallot. We have a 80% chance of this being due to Downs, although in my heart I know it is.
I am awaiting the harmony test and will have an amnio done with the fetal medical team on Thursday.
Once chromosomal syndrome is confirmed we are 90% we are not going to proceed with the pregnancy. This is due to our belief that the baby will not have a good quality of life and the road ahead is too uncertain and full of pain and suffering.
Has anyone any experience of a late term abortion? I live in NI so will have to travel and die to the laws here no medical professional has discussed this with me so far.
Thanks

@mmmgoats thank you for your reply. I am so sorry you have also experienced this. It has been the worst week of my life and I hope it’s never beaten. I am so scared of the process, and then I feel guilty for that. I need to be strong for the baby and act in its best interests. Then on the other side of the coin I am terrified that afterwards I will regret what we’ve done. The hardest thing is no one can predict what will happen either. Have you had more children since?

Thank you all for your kind responses, I wasn’t sure what reaction there would be but it doesn’t help to know women have gone through similar and come out the other side.

@cherry088 I haven’t got any children yet sadly - but I still
don’t regret my decision at all. It was for me the absolute right thing to do based on the info we were given from the cardiologist.

Don’t feel guilty for being scared - I cried because I was terrified of what I was going to have to do and then felt incredibly selfish about it but I think it’s natural.

My experience obviously wasn’t nice but the health care professionals and level of care and support was amazing - it was more the fear of the unknown for me and the fear of whether I was doing the right thing.

Once we got more information from the cardiologist and could see that the baby wasn’t going to live for more than a few days after birth, it helped a lot with our decision.

I’m so sorry OP 🙁

I was in a position last year where i had to choose to terminate my much wanted third child due to a severe chromosome condition that would have seen her die soon after birth (if she’d survived the pregnancy).

Everyone told me I would have to labour the baby out but I pushed for the surgical option and instead I was able to go through BPAS and have a very slick procedure which was far kinder to my mental health. I was 17 weeks.

I will be honest and say I don’t know what the cut off point is when it comes to surgical abortion through Marie Stopes or BPAS but it might be worth checking it out.

I was in a similar position to you a few years ago, where we were given the absolute worst news at our 20 week scan

I'm so so sorry that you are in this position. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy

ARC were an enormous source of information and support, and gave me a much clearer idea of my options than the hospital did.
The consultant I saw in hospital who did all the paperwork was really respectful and supportive, and we were also referred to a bereavement midwife who helped us

I was already in England so didn't have to travel but perhaps it would be worth speaking to ASN, the charity that helps Irish and NI women get abortions, as they might be more familiar with the practicalities?
https://www.asn.org.uk/

One thing I wasn't prepared for, and no one mentioned, was that my milk came in a few days later.
It was hideous and I had to then make an appointment with my GP to get tablets to stop lactation
If I ever had to do it again, I'd make sure I got those in advance

Please feel free to PM me at any time if you want to

No experience but sending you love and strength x

No experience but sending you love and strength x

Oh bless you

I have a disabled daughter, she is our 3rd and I love her more than the world - but the stress of dealing with a disabled child has nearly ended me. The weeks spent in hospital and having other children to care for too is awful, they have definitely been affected, one dd is actually getting seen by cahms and has mental health issues, mainly caused by the stress. Our whole life has had to change, I had to stop working and im her carer 24/7. We are lucky in the respect she isn’t in pain, I think when you are told by professionals that your child will have a tough life full of pain then you have to think what is best for them. It’s a heartbreaking decision for you ❤️

My dear friend had to have a tfmr due to trisomy 18, the baby would have suffered tremendously and it was the best decision for her and her family. She said her experience was peaceful and she was well looked after. She went on to have a beautiful, healthy boy.

Thinking of you x

@sparechange thank you for sharing your story, I’m so sorry you have also been through this. I had read about my milk coming in so I will make sure I ask about those tablets beforehand. From what I’ve read I think I’m past the surgical option and will have to labour.
@infinitygauntlet thank you for being so honest. Your daughter is so lucky to have such a strong mum. I totally agree and worry about the impact this will have on my daughter. She is just an innocent going to be affected by this, as well as the baby. I just hope I can find the best solution to protect/act in best interests of everyone. Such a huge responsibility and I don’t want to have any regrets

You’re doing the right thing.
This awful awful experience for you will save your baby a life time of pain and disability.
You are very brave.

You poor thing, sending and I hope the next few weeks pass quickly. You will look back on this time and wonder how you managed it, but remember, when you are down, the only way is gradually back up again. I hope you are ok.

It wasn’t flippant or judging. Speaking as someone who lost a baby at 23 weeks and had to give birth, what I wrote was correct, if I was judging I would have said it’s a baby we are talking about ffs. I didn’t at the time but now I have

I lost my eldest at 23+5, he’d have been 17 this year, don’t use that as an excuse for being so deliberately cruel.

CherryO88 no advice, just wanted to send you some I hope that you get the information and answers you need soon.

I would terminate too, OP.

And I would for ‘just’ downs.

Best of luck with it hope all goes as smoothly as possible.

My DSS has tetrology of fallots and had a pacemaker fitted as a baby. He spent most of his childhood at Birmingham Children's Hospital and was rarely at school. He is 36 now and has no qualifications and cannot do any manual work, so his lifestyle is compromised. He still has episodes with his heart. However, while he struggles, he has no other health concerns. It sounds as though your outcome will likely be different, and I think I would be strongly considering the same as you in the circumstances.

Cherry, I am so sorry you’re going through this. I commented on your previous post; I had a TFMR at 17 weeks. The weeks leading up to it were dreadful but like a PP, there was a definite improvement post-surgery. It was the trauma of the decision-making that was so horrific. Various issues that were indicative of chromosome issues, but no definitive diagnosis until the end. FWIW I was probably more towards the “pro life” end of the spectrum than “pro choice” and I was deeply troubled by the prospect of ending the pregnancy. I spoke at length with our priest who was wonderfully supportive, even coming to the hospital with us. We all prayed together before going into the OR.

I wish you peace as you navigate this horrendous journey.

I haven't been through the same as you.

However I did have a daughter who was very ill at birth and I witnessed her going through hell every moment of her short life.

I was pregnant again a year later when we got the news that my baby may have the same condition (after numerous tests it turned out it could possibly be genetic, after telling us it wasn't genetic) there was no doubt in my mind, despite how loved my baby was, that I would have terminated if she had the same condition as my dd (thankfully she did not). Not for my sake, but for hers. My dd filled a short life filled with pain and, years later, I'm still tortured by that, the fact I couldn't have prevented it as I didn't know.

Either way you are going to have some regrets, it's part of being a great parent, and that sometimes includes making really tough choices for the sake of your child and despite your own feelings.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this, it's a shitty place to be

Whatever you decide, there will always be support on here for you.

Buzzlightyearsbumchin for you and your wee girl x

buzz's post has reminded me of something someone told me just after my termination - "your choice means you will be in pain every day so that your baby didn't have to be in pain for a single day"

That meant a huge amount to me. It's a selfless decision and a compassionate one, and that's the best thing you can do as a parent

@triwarrior that’s amazing you had such a supportive priest. DH arranged for us to go see the priest who married us the day after the scan. I briefly mentioned making a choice but we didn’t go into depth. I would be too scared to ask him about it.
@buzz huge hugs to you, that is why I am making this decision because it would torture me to see my child in pain also. I’m so happy to hear your next daughter is healthy. I can only imagine the stress of waiting for those genetic tests.
@sparechange how very true, however much I wish I don’t have to make this decision I will do so to protect the baby.
Thank you all so much for your understanding and kind words x

We were very lucky. She also conducted our baby’s funeral service and scattering of her ashes.

What she said to me, which was enormously helpful, was that she did not consider our choice as an abortion. (Yes, I know that’s essentially what it was, but the language mattered to me.) She talked about sparing our daughter from pain. She understood.

We had a normal check up appointment with my obstetrician today. I broke down when he scanned me. It’s a little girl. I am in utter turmoil and my heart is broken. I can’t see how I am going to get through this

Oh @CherryO88 I don't know what to say or advice to offer. I just hope that these test results come back with positive answers for you. And I hope this thread helps you to feel like you are not alone...we are here for you

Cherry088 this must be unbearable for you and I'm so sorry that all we can add here for you is a sympathetic ear.

Have you given your little girl a name? That may help you feel more connected to her. We chose a name for our boy when I was in labour with him.

Oh Cherry