Mortifying preganancy stories!

[VirtualPA]

Can I have your's please?

I had one this weekend...

I was staying with my parents and coughed.
My knickers were flooded and I thought my waters had broken.

Legged it into my parents bedroom in the middle of the night. My mum leaned over, felt my wet pants, sniffed her fingers and said

'go back to bed, you just peed yourself'

[Macforme]

After the birth of DD1 I was lying legs in stirrups being stitched by the doctor.
The midwife came up behind the doctor and said 'what lovely needlework!'
Whereupon the doctor replied,
'well my hobby is cross stitch!'
I kinda expected to find a cute little teddy stitched down there.....

[Bumperlicious]

I always warn people against having a hot curry to try and induce labour. Having the experience of emptying bowls, contracting painfully while trying to keep all the bloody wires of the tens machine out of the way was not fun, especially with DH having to try and help me.

[SparkleRainbow]

Been having a day until I read this, have laughed so much that not only have I cried I have had to clench my pf to make sure I didn't join most of you. Thank you

[frekkles]

no pee poo or vomit here, but plenty hormonal nonsense...

being very early pregnant and full of hormonal rage, I confronted and berated a group of teenage goths on a train for "popping bubblewrap too loudly". They justifiably did it even more afterwards whilst loudly taking the piss out of me whilst I stewed in rage and embaressment.

being 38 weeks pregnant and demanding my boyfriend take me wild camping on the beach as I was sure I'd never ever be able to do it again. And then spending the whole time in tears as I was so uncomfortable

being 38 weeks pregnant and trying to finish with my boyfriend because he hadn't bought me an easter egg, culminating with him driving me to thorntons and me refusing to get out of the car

Being in labour and so off my head on gas and air that I didn't care about the midwife was there when my boyfriend tried some nipple and clitoral stimulation to try and produce cervix opening endorphins. Actually for a while there my labour was like a really mad party, drugs, sex and techno on my ipod.

infact I'm sure there's plenty pregnant sex stories out there! let's be having them!

[Booboobedoo]

First trimester of second pregnancy.

Always needed to puke when DH was on the throne. (It's always half an hour he's on there).

So I'd stand in the bathroom and puke in a bucket and wee on the floor.

Never once did I think of standing in the bath.

I was another one insisting I needed a poo when DS was crowning. In fact I made such a fuss that the midwife shoved a couple of pessaries up there to help things along.

(They were insisting I was miles off delivery at this point. Why they didn't pick up on it puzzles me to this day. DS arrived forty-five minutes later).

[FabIsGoingToGetFit]

I asked at 6 on a Saturday if I would have had my baby by Monday morning. Told no. Had her 3 1/2 hours later. [grin.]

[ruthosaurus]

Off my face on gas & air, and being prepped for an emergency X-section that never happened. DH walks back into the room in scrubs. Me: "Orright, George Clooney? Cold in here, is it?".

I also told the doc overseeing my episiotomy that if he thought I was making a fuss he should fucking well try it and see how calm he was.

[kitpuss]

This is a birth one really but hope it counts.

When being stitched up after the birth I did a couple of farts right in the stitching midwife's face. I seemed to have no warning they were coming and just could not control them.

I did apologise about a million times, but thought surely it must have happened to her before, and in my post-birth state I didn't feel very bad about it.
Later my DH said her face was a picture, so maybe it was a first for her!!

[mamadoc]

During early pregnancy I had to do a hellish 1hr train commute into London for work feeling ready to puke at any minute. Then one day having held it back the whole way I stepped off onto the platform at Kings Cross and without warning just vomited splattering the shoes of all the suited and booted commuters. Then one of them turned round, winked and said, "hard night last night eh?" I didn't look pregnant so I guess they all assumed I was monumentally hung over!

[biggest]

These are hilarious! I am 33 weeks pg and getting flashbacks to DS' birth a few years ago.
After waters were broken during induction, a registrar came in to check if I was progressing. Young guy.
He started an internal and after much (painful) rummaging for a very long time turned to the midwife and said "I can't find it". He was talking about my cervix. He couldn't find my fecking cervix. Midwife stunned, I shouted "well it is F*ing up there".
He left red-faced while midwife sorted it out.....

[NickiSue]

Thank god i've got to the end of the thread, and without wetting myself!

I went to the gP at 37weeks with a THROMBOSED PILE! Seriously, think third bumcheek. GP asked me to get up on the trolley and show him, took ages and his comment was "OMG that is massive!". My reply was "I'm assuming you mean the pile, not my arse!". Cue trip to A&E, and the on-call insisted on first calling maternity to tell them i was here and what was wrong etc before doing anything. On the phone he bellowed "Yes, NickiSue, lives at , yes Mrs NickiSue, 2 John, Yes, thrombosed piles, yes piles, very large, anal yes, Mrs NickiSue.....". The sniggers from everyone in cubicles, was only slightly more quiet than my husbands who was desperately trying to mask it!
Then he decided we needed a consultant to deal with teh problem, back on the phone, "Mrs NickSue, (reeled off my address, full name, DOB), HUGE, thrombosed bile, yes Sir, too large for me to deal with, I would appreciate your input, bigger than anything I've seen before" (Seriously).

Made other people in cubicles very very happy!

[Paddingtonblue]

In the third trimester of my first pregnancy, working in the City and in the middle of summer so not wearing tights. I had started wearing panty shields as my body was obviously getting itself nice and ready for the birth. I had an important presentation to a couple of the Partners and I KNOW I went in there wearing a panty shield, but it had gone by the time I came out of the meeting and went to pee. Still mortified at where it could have fallen out, but was certainly somewhere in the boardroom. Wasn't there when I slunk back in 10 mins later. Neither of the Partners mentioned a thing. Well, how could you

[Paddingtonblue]

NickiSue, I think you will have reduced anyone reading this to wetting themselves, pregnant or not!!

[Booboobedoo]

NickiSue I'm weeping. 'anal, yes'.

That is one of the most dreadfully funny things I've ever read.

[fledtoscotland]

When pregnant with DS1, I was in hospital as I had an ovarian cyst and they were managing it conservatively ie pummelling me with morphine whilst discussing the pros & cons of major surgery with a 9.5wk pregnant woman.

With every wave of pain, I had my continuous infusion of morphine which made me puke and pee myself simultaneously whilst I was on all fours on the floor in pain. A really attractive sight!

also remember being taken to see the consultant for a scan to measure the cyst. Lay down on the bed and pulled up my top. He laughed and pointed out it was an internal scan. Spent the next 15mins looking at the ceiling trying to avoid my knickers which were hanging out of DH's pocket.

The joys. thanksfully said cyst was removed along with ovary and fallopian tube. 9.5wk foetus is now DS1.

[SparkleRainbow]

NickiSue,you may have made it to the end of the thread without wetting yourself, but you made it very hard for me. Thank you for the funnest stories. Makes my ruining my dh's slippers whilst leaning on him giving birth, very run of the mill.

[decafgirl]

I had to be evacuated from my lovely pool as the room next to us was on fire...was wheeled down the corridor on a trolley on all fours and put in a slightly safer room. MW then says 'I'll just see how you're getting on' and just as she's peering at my nether regions my waters exploded with a bang (seriously!) and covered her from face to toes. I didn't even realise as I was still facing the other way!

I think her comment was 'ooh, you got me'

[lucysmam]

After a quickie with my dp just after last xmas, my second labour with dd started at 35wks pg, phoned hospital who weren't convinced I was in labour but said I may as well go in to be checked out anyway.

We got there, they did an internal & both the mw and consultant commented on the "sticky white discharge" . . . . cue my dp almost rolling around the room in fits of laughter & me trying not to laugh and be serious about the fact that they wanted me to have an emergency cs as I was actually in labour & baby had turned so she was breach!

Not easy, but we still giggle about it every time someone asks about her birth

[MilkNoSugarPlease]

pixie that has just made me weep with laughter!

[Threelittleducks]

Awesome

I remember having to be induced and having been given g&a thinking everything was hilarious. It just struck me that lying on my back with 2 midwives and a doctor staring up my fanny with the aid of a garden torch (as the big overhead lamp wasn't bright enough) was very very odd and very very funny.

Then the doctor leaned back in disgust, wiping her eye.

"What is it?" I asked.

"What are you going to call your little boy?" she asked, while finding a paper towel.

"Thomas" my dh replied.

"Thomas, you are a very naughy boy!" she shouted up me. (cue more giggles)

She looked up at me and sh and said "He just shat in my eye"

[WhatWillSantaBring]

ROFL. You guys are legends. Can someone ask the powers that be to make this thread permanent, as I think its going to be my essential daily reading for the next six months (EDD Christmas Eve). I've been so worried about all the hideous things that are supposed to happen during pg, but at least now I know that if I post them on here, my humiliation will make others smile and feel better about the who shebang.

[outmumbered]

My sister was in hospital, having given birth to twins and had got really used to a queue of doctors, nurses and midwives examining her. She was in bed recovering, when there was a knock on the door and a man came in wearing a blue overall. Thinking that it was another doctor, she lifted her nightie and assumed the position. He recoiled in horror. I'm only here to mend the telly!" he said.

[crazyh]

i am 24wks preg an have been worried about the embarrasin side affects of being pregnant and of being in labour, thankfully i havent experienced anything major, apart from an exploding sneeze making me wee myself in the middle of a shop . but thankyou for the giggles, i have bin cryin laughin for the past 20mins, no doubt i will have somethin to share with you in the near future lol x