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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

am pregant again after a termination for downs

341 replies

busierbee · 14/03/2009 20:51

I traumatically and sadly had a pregnancy with a downs baby last year. I am 42. I am pregnant again - ten weeks - and consumed with fear and anxiety. Although there is no genetic basis for downs, the risk of having another downs pregnancy is higher than for a woman who has not. Am having a cvs in two weeks. Has anyone been or is anyone in this situation? need a friend

OP posts:
PlumBumMum · 14/03/2009 20:54

bump

AitchTwoOh · 14/03/2009 20:56

i haven't been where you are but you have my sympathy. i hope everything works out for you the way you want it to this time.

Original poster
busierbee · 14/03/2009 20:57

I did not make it clear that I had a termination. If anyone else is in this painful situation I can offer support too.

OP posts:
Nabster · 14/03/2009 20:58

We can see from the title you had a termination.

What do you want support with?

fuzzypeach · 14/03/2009 21:00

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

liger · 14/03/2009 21:01

Have you been in touch with ARC? Herewww.arc-uk.org call the helpline to talk through your fears and sign up for the email list you will find lots of friends there who have been through the same pain.

best of luck

Original poster
busierbee · 14/03/2009 21:03

Thank you Nabster for reminding me of title. is a hard thing to admit to and I would never judge anyone who chose a different path. My circumstances made that the best decision. I guess i am wondering if anyone has experienced a similar situation and that they then had a different outcome. I suspect this is not something people find it easy to talk about on mumsnet. When I was struggling with the decision I could not find any links here. If this is so and i am offending anyone then i will sign off

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HumphreyCobbler · 14/03/2009 21:04

I had a termination at 21 weeks due to Patau's syndrome.

I remember how anxious I was before my 20 week scan with my next pg (we opted just for a nucal), I honestly did not know how I was going to get through it. DH went grey with anxiety. But all was well.

I remember my consultant saying that although the statistical risk was higher, you can also go with the 'lightning doesn't strike twice theory.

I have gone on to have two healthy children. Hang on in there, just take one day at a time xx

Original poster
busierbee · 14/03/2009 21:05

Thank you to you two people aitchtwooh and fuzzypeach for reaching out. Yes have been in touch with arc - they are a very good support service

OP posts:
Nabster · 14/03/2009 21:06

You seem to have taken me the wrong way.

I hope all goes well.

RockinSockBunnies · 14/03/2009 21:07

I've never been in this situation but saw the thread and just wanted to offer my sympathy and good luck. I hope things turn out well for you.

Original poster
busierbee · 14/03/2009 21:07

dear humphrey cobbler - yes I know the grey thing. Feel grey and sick and unable to immerse myself in the joy of pregnancy. It is as if the innocence has gone I guess. I like the lightning does not strike twice theory. I guess in the end what will be will be. Thank you.

OP posts:
HumphreyCobbler · 14/03/2009 21:10

Also as you a having a comprehensive test you will know your baby will be ok and you will be able to relax and enjoy your pregnancy.

This is the hardest bit really.

poppy34 · 14/03/2009 21:12

I haven't been in this situation exactly but have 2 friends who have (at similar ages to you -both went on to have heathly children)and I terminated due to congenital abnormalities at 21 weeks.

just taking a day at a time and finding something that helps you - the lightnign theory is a good way to look at it. I found therapy very helpful to get me through pregnancy.

just keep going -and remember you're not the only one who found pregnancy highly stressful and not a time to be looking at mothercare catalogues or scans something to find out the sex.

Original poster
busierbee · 14/03/2009 21:15

It is. Each day so tiring. Feeling tired is tiring but can not distract self with looking at baby names etc. I have three wonderful children from my first marriage who need me. This baby is a deserved gift of love for my new childless partner. So want to give him the joy of parenthood.Thank you mums.

OP posts:
Sugarkane · 14/03/2009 21:15

Busierbee please do not feel like you cant come here for advice, although I have never been in your situation I can understand what a hard decision you had to make and im sure that you made the right choice for you an your circumstances, undoubtedly your decision would be different to that of others but that does not mean it wasnt the right one for you. Anyway I am rambling but felt I needed to post to give my support. I really wish you all the best with this pregnancy and please stay positive even when times are hard. As HumphreyCobbler said take one day at a time.

hester · 14/03/2009 21:16

Hi busierbee, so sorry you've been going through this. I've not been in your exact position, but I've had a termination in the past and also had a miscarriage at 40, before going on to produce my first child. I remember how tortuous the first trimester was: having a previous pregnancy go wrong kind of robs you of your innocence and optimism, doesn't it? The days crawl past as you agonise over every possible bad outcome. But you are 10 weeks and soon you will be able to have tests that hopefully will put your mind at rest. You will find lots of support on here. I really hope all goes well for you this time - best of luck.

treedelivery · 14/03/2009 21:16

I've not been there myself but have seen people with the same experience through work. HumphreyCobbler is right - this will be the hardest bit in one sense.

When all is hopefully well with the cvs, you may have a whole new set of emotions to deal with. So don't be too shocked if unexpected feelings crop up. There will be many people here to walk along with you.
All my sympathy for your loss in your last pregnancy and all good luck for this one. x

elkiedee · 14/03/2009 21:18

Not the same situation though I know how scary I found it to have a CVS without the added fear of what you've already been through.

Will be thinking of you and hope the results are different this time.

Original poster
busierbee · 14/03/2009 21:20

Golly I have to say after 1- weeks of feeling so alone with this I am flooded with the kindness, compassion and generosity of The Mums. Poppy person - yes re therapy although I have been in therapy for 6 years anyway - and somehow feel it is too intimate and that if i let it out i may fall apart. this forum feels safer somehow. Sugarkane I appreciate your understanding- I understand that other people would choose differently and we agonised and agonised. Of course. And it could have gone either way and that is the way it went.

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poppy34 · 14/03/2009 21:22

agree with tree- you do find different things occur once you pass your milestone (in my case 20 weeks) - I got obsessed with various other things. that said you do get through it. I found posting here very helpful at times.

it is just horrendous to get through those days - on a practical level if there is any little thing (whatever it is eating chocolate, listening to music, reading rubbish books) that makes you feel better than try to stick to it. I used to make up a little playlist of my favourite songs on my ipod for after every scan/test and then think of a bunch of things I could do that were completely indulgent, non baby related (eg buy a new lipstick , have a long bath etc) that would be part of my plan on how to cope if things went wrong.

Original poster
busierbee · 14/03/2009 21:24

Treedelivery - Yes I have thought that too. If all is well with the cvs then will feel fresh wave of loss and sadness for our other wee baby. And will spend whole pregnancy in fear of other sad outcomes. But life is tough and we get through things. I have friends who have suffered greater losses than I have

OP posts:
poppy34 · 14/03/2009 21:25

that makes complete sense busierbee re falling apart - it has taken me probably nearly 2 years to open up properly to my therapist . That said she was right about one thing -this kind of thing does bring out a bunch of other stuff that is not necessarily related to the horror of having to take this kind of situation.

also agree this kind of place better as you don't have to worry about how you come across- there is a horrible stigma (even if its just in your mind) about choosing to terminate a pregnancy in this kind of sitatuon.

Original poster
busierbee · 14/03/2009 21:26

Thank you poppy again - Yes the small distractions are good to plan. also I know from the past as do you, that you just have to 'sit in it' and know that it will pass, and recur and pass and recur. And that life will carry on.

OP posts:
poppy34 · 14/03/2009 21:27

I know but you know where we are if you want to vent. its just so yuck when you're waiting for it to pass ( re some of the posts when I was in the middle of that phase).

and I did go onto have a healthy dd.