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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

am pregant again after a termination for downs

341 replies

busierbee · 14/03/2009 20:51

I traumatically and sadly had a pregnancy with a downs baby last year. I am 42. I am pregnant again - ten weeks - and consumed with fear and anxiety. Although there is no genetic basis for downs, the risk of having another downs pregnancy is higher than for a woman who has not. Am having a cvs in two weeks. Has anyone been or is anyone in this situation? need a friend

OP posts:
Original poster
busierbee · 14/03/2009 21:29

Such a huge stigma yes poppy. When I was struggling to cope i could not find any threads with people who had a chromosomal issue and wanted to talk about it. Understandably. Even less anyone who had a high risk nuchal and a neg outcome. Lots of people who had high risk and then all fine. I guess people do not want to open up on the web as it is so scary and one feels so judged

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poppy34 · 14/03/2009 21:33

I know what you mean - there were a few people on here who opened up.
Did ARC not put you in touch with any of their befrienders (I can't remember what the name is exactly)?

how is yoru dp coping? I found it hard as I could see how dh was putting a brave face on it at times.

Original poster
busierbee · 14/03/2009 21:38

Am a new girl! what is dp and dh? I guess is partner or something. He is a silent strong type - oscillates between optimistic it'll all be okay and , well we just have to wait and see. Does not want to go there - to the dark place? Who could blame him? I have lots of nightmares, insomnia and general what if moments. He seems to carry on regardless which is actually reassuring. Two flappers and panickers not so good I think. It takes time to adjust to all of it

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poppy34 · 14/03/2009 21:40

dear partner/derr husband (a bit trite I know but becomes easier than typing it). sounds good that he is coping differently.

I am very sorry re nightmares - I used to wake up obsessing in the middle of hte night and it certainly doesn't help things . No advice just sympathy.

JeanPoole · 14/03/2009 21:43

i have no experience of this, but wish you good luck.
hope it all goes well for you.

Original poster
busierbee · 14/03/2009 21:44

dp yes! I get it now. Have been wondering. There is no advice is there? Do not need it - as know really that it is a personal thing to be got through.But compassion and knowing what to say to someone in this state is .... priceless so thank you Mrs Poppy number 34.
I must be comforted as have used an exclamation mark.

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poppy34 · 14/03/2009 21:50

have fished around for some old threads - haven't read it all through but might be some help. I know I had two levels of support from those who had been through a termination and those who had got trhough a similar issue.
pregnancy after downs

Original poster
busierbee · 14/03/2009 21:50

thank you jeanpoole - i appreciate your kindness and hope that other pregnant women are not scared by my experience and those talked about here. It is so much more likely that all will be well for you.

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poppy34 · 14/03/2009 21:50

actually on second thoughts just flipped through that AND DON"T READ THAT THREAD if you're feeling bad. Sorry should have checked

Habbibu · 14/03/2009 21:51

busierbee - have you also tried the SANDS forum? www.uksands.org, I think - there are lots of people there in your situation.

FWIW, we lost dd1 at 21 weeks because of anencephaly, and were terrified during pregnancy with dd2, but she was safe and well, and is now a gorgeous 2.5 year old girl.

Original poster
busierbee · 14/03/2009 21:59

It's okay poppy i read it. But i have read many things like that and everyone has their own way or running their lives and make choices that work for them. We made the right decision for our family, maybe the wrong one for someone else's. I do not judge either way yet feel horrified I may be. I guess some people do yet no one on this thread has. It is too late to disapprove as it has all happened. I feel sadness, pain, shock and overwhelming sadness for my lovely partner. And I feel like am living in a strange twilight zone where nothing can be real. But am okay and getting on and glad for the support i feel from all these women. I as sorry for the sadness many of you have experienced and glad for your subsequent joyful bundles - Habbibu the latest

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AitchTwoOh · 14/03/2009 22:07

i can confirm, busybee, that hab's wee girl is distinctly gorgeous.

oh i hope everything works out fine this time for you. i had a couple of run-ups to a successful pregnancy and for me i just felt panicked all the time until i got past every scan, every test etc. i've got two wee girls now. hab will tell you how lovely.

Habbibu · 14/03/2009 22:12

Aitch's girls are indeed stunningly lovely. I almost accidentally stole dd2...

frazzledoldbag · 14/03/2009 22:12

Hi busier - I have everything crossed for you that this pregnancy will have a happy outcome. I have an older brother with Downs and my parents were advised to go on and have another dozen children (due to the lightening not striking twice theory I guess) - and they did, well they had me!
34 yrs later I am pg now with my 3rd child and have been paranoid about Downs (and other chomosomal abnormalities) and have had diagnostic tests with all 3 (cvs and amnio) - and luckily for me all 3 have been fine. However if I had been given the result that I was carrying a Downs child I (like you) would definitely have terminated although it would have been a heartbreaking decison. I am so sorry for you that you have had to make this difficult decision but you have my 100% support and sympathy. I can only imagine how apprehensive you must be at the moment but can only advise you to try to keep positive thoughts going and focus on getting through the next few weeks as best you can. Please come back and tell us how your pregnancy progresses. My thoughts are with you and your family and I do hope you have good results to share soon.
x

Original poster
busierbee · 14/03/2009 22:14

Well there you go - well done ladies for hanging in there. I hope and pray too that this time everything okay. Not sure how will cope if not. Feel that have been pregnant for months - and i have if i count last years pregnancy- and that i will fall into pieces or become a cynical lost person. So lets hope i am one of the lucky ones too.

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Original poster
busierbee · 14/03/2009 22:17

dearest frazzledoldbag
that is very honest of you. I have friends with either a sibling or child with downs too. So i appreciate your honesty as that can not be an easy thing to say. your children must be a blessing to you as are mine to me. I want my partner to feel this same state of love for a child.thank you again for reaching out
bb

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Original poster
busierbee · 14/03/2009 22:18

dearest frazzledoldbag
that is very honest of you. I have friends with either a sibling or child with downs too. So i appreciate your honesty as that can not be an easy thing to say. your children must be a blessing to you as are mine to me. I want my partner to feel this same state of love for a child.thank you again for reaching out
bb

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AitchTwoOh · 14/03/2009 22:18

we can only hope that this is an end of it, that you're back on the boring, normal, fat pregnancy train now. the very best of luck to you and your family.

hab, she's distinctly chubby and throaty of laugh. (and sticky of eye - conjunctivitis).

Original poster
busierbee · 14/03/2009 22:36

thank you for this aitchtwooh - wishes appreciated and time will tell.

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nanbred · 15/03/2009 12:58

Hello Busierbee

We chose to terminate our second pregnancy in Nov 2007 because he was a Down's baby. The previous pregnancy was miscarried. We have been trying to conceive naturally ever since, even though I am 44 and dp is 45.

We now find we are pregnant again, and neither of us is relaxed enough to feel even slightly joyful. We have been so exhausted by the whole ttc thing for 14 months, and recently heard some news about my womb lining being hyperplasic, so had just about abandoned all hope, and then this! I feel kind of traumatised, and too deeply to be happy, and it is so hard to face another 30 odd weeks of possible stress and catastrophe.

We chose not to tell anyone about our previous pregnancy until the decision to terminate, and then we only told our line managers, because we needed time off work.

This time we will also probably keep it to ourselves for at least until the nuchal. I won't relax until the result of this and the cvs. That's if we get to that stage. Sorry to post such depression, but feel honest experiences are what you sought.

Hope you are feeling ok, and everything is progressing well. I am going to try to take a day at a time, what else is there to do?

Original poster
busierbee · 15/03/2009 13:45

OH please do not think of apologising. Golly I know that feeling of lack of joy so well. It is impossible to feel joy when one knows so well what the possibilites are - and dare not imagine the best. My worse case scenario of course is that i have the cvs, baby fine and then miscarry. Are you ten weeks now? Have you booked the nuchal? I have persuaded my hosp to allow me to have the double test or combined. Have also asked that have the blood test done on a monday, the nuchal on the wednes and this means hopefully can get result straight away. I will then have the cvs the same day and they tell me that given my history i shall get the result in two days.
If you need a friend who is going through similar i am more than happy to share details, woes and worries. I wish you the best of luck too. It is a waiting game.

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nanbred · 15/03/2009 14:06

Nowhere near your milestones busier, we only found out today, and think we're somewhere between 5 and 6 weeks.

Going to make appt at EPU for a scan as soon as possible. My boobs were aching a lot, but less so today and yesterday, so very worried could have m/c already.

Hope all well for you over the next few days, you seem really organised which is good.

sarah293 · 15/03/2009 14:11

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Original poster
busierbee · 15/03/2009 15:14

I have had yes Riven - and i appreciate that a baby is a baby to be loved. Somehow though now have been presented with choice. I am not petrified of disability in fact - anymore than anyone else I guess. Have a very challenging set of circumstances - three children already- ex husband with problems who does not care properly for them. What if something happened to me? I am after all 42 and who would care for my disabled child? My children? I am so glad for you that your daughter is so precious to you. Of course she is. And if I had a child born with issues I would face them as bravely as I could. But we chose to terminate the last pregnancy. Feel have to have similar response to information and knowledge this time. So will have the testing. But thank you for your wise words. And they are wise.
And to you Nanbred I wish you enormous luck and strength too. A scan may reassure. I had an early one too. The boob thing? Comes and goes. Last time i had enormous sore ones and this time nothing.

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drlove8 · 15/03/2009 15:29

busierbee... just want to post , am thinking of you and wishing you luck.... i have a sn child , and although i could not have imagined ever having a child with a disability im glad she's here.i am 32 and my dd has seven other siblings so i dont have the same worries about what will happen to her when im gone...you did the best for your family and i hope you dont dwell too much on your termination, but seek councelling if you feel the need and try and enjoy this pregnancy.chances are everything will be fine with your baby..... let us know when the LO arrives!