Pregnant at 40, partner is 53, termination booked but devastated

[Peakcentral]

I’m 40, my partner is 53 and we’ve been together for 10 months. I’m currently 5+2 weeks pregnant and have a termination booked.

He has a 13-year-old child and isn’t keen to continue with this pregnancy, although he’s open to discussing trying again in the future when we’ve had more time together. Realistically though, I don’t think we’ll ever get to a point where we decide to have a child together.

Logically, a termination feels like the sensible decision given our ages and relatively new relationship, but emotionally I’m devastated.

I’ve never particularly wanted children and always thought I’d be happy without them. I’ve also never been pregnant before and wasn’t sure I could conceive. Yet since finding out, I’ve felt an overwhelming protectiveness towards this pregnancy that I never expected.

At 40, I’m painfully aware this could be my only chance to have a baby. The thought of ending this pregnancy and potentially never conceiving again is heartbreaking.

I feel completely torn between my head and my heart and terrified of making a decision I’ll regret forever.

Has anyone experienced something similar, particularly an unexpected first pregnancy later in life? I’d really appreciate honest experiences from both sides, as I’m struggling enormously with what to do.

I’m normally one of the first to say termination is probably the best option but if you’re prepared to solo parent and are aware the baby may have additional needs due to fathers age (btw I have children with autism that my partner and I conceived in mid 20s, so even though their is a link with older dads and autism, it’s not as though it can’t happen to young parents) I say don’t terminate.
I have had a termination and despite being vehemently pro choice it really did screw me up despite being the best choice I could have made. So I don’t advise a woman at 40 who really may not have this option again to terminate if you’re feeling connection and love towards your pregnancy. Please don’t think about the father in this, just think about yourself as a single mother and can you cope without his input. This is only about what you want and you can manage. If your boyfriend steps up and it’s all happy and lovely, great, if not, hopefully you’ll be happy anyway. And I was a single mother for a good while and I personally loved it. I know others don’t feel the same but for balance, I had a terrific time.

If you want this baby and money isnt an issue then don’t terminate. Single parenthood will be hard, but it’s a lot easier if you are in a good financial situation and can support yourself and your child. I would consider what feels worse to you, never having any children or being a single parent, because realistically that’s what’s you’re most likely deciding between.

I got pregnant in university and knew 100% that I needed to have a termination. It didn’t stop me feeling conflicted about it though as your hormones and body are doing everything they can to protect the growing embryo.

That said, I would never go through a termination just because the man wanted me to have one.

It is very hard but if I were you I think I would postpone the termination whilst you think on it some more as you do have time on your side.

That can happen at any age and many of us on mumsnet have disabilities if you don’t mind.

To gently counter the "every baby is a blessing" side, you didn't want children before now, so your feelings are likely hormonal. That doesn't mean you have to ignore them, but don't let them dictate the rest of your life either.

As rationally as you can, imagine the next 20 years raising a child. How will it effect your career, housing, social life. What changes if you're a single mother? What changes if you're in a blended family with a teenager?

There is no right or wrong answer. Some people regret having abortions, some regret having children. You deserve a future you have actively chosen, if you have a child they deserve to be actively chosen too.

Keep it. I’ve had three friends get accidentally pregnant at your age. The one who had a termination was full of regret. The two who had their babies were never sorry and one of them was a single parent.

For goodness sake, keep your precious baby. The relationship won't survive a termination anyway because you will harbour so much resentment and regret.

There are some really aggressive answers on here like rhis man has threatened the op or demanded an abortion, none of this is correct,

he has said he’s isn’t keen to have another child, he has not from what she’s said tried to force her to have an abortion, the thought that any one who has unprotected sex should then welcome a child is naive in the extreme and shouldn’t be met with aggression if they don’t wish to,

the decision is the ops, his relationship with his current child is not a signifier of his relationship with a further child, unless it was a short term relationship and he did not wish the child, it is highly likely the current child was a proactive choice he and the mother made together,

either way, this is a short relationship, they don’t live together or share finances, the ops decision is to have the child or not, her body, her choice, but she should do so assuming single parent, he maybe involved, as in see the child occassionally, he will pay maintenance, he may move in and share lives, although it’s very unlikely,

so the op has to prepare for the worst case for her, which maybe single parent. And she also needs to work out, if the child is disabled, or has additional needs how she will cope. And then make a decision,

I was in almost exactly the same senario as you @Peakcentral (2 year relationship). I'd also never been pregnant before. Had my DD at 41 - man scarpered because "I didn't sign up for this!"😒
Can't say its always been easy & I stayed on my own (but have friends who went on to meet lovely partners!)
My DD has been an absolute joy & wonder, I made absolutely the right decision for me, I was given a 1/50 chance of Downs during testing, but decided to go ahead anyway. Had a fabulous home birth (im minutes from a large teaching hospital).
I've just sent her off to Oxford. Couldn't be prouder - she's worth infinite times her father ever was.
I wish you all the best whatever you decide💐

You've used the word "devastated" at the thought of a booked termination.

There's your answer...

Wishing you all the best OP, whatever YOU decide to do x

Do what you want to do. I was bullied into an abortion many years ago. It was awful. I regretted it for years. I was in my early 20’s and went on to have a family in my 30’s. Best of luck whatever you decide.

Similar ages here.

DH already had adult children when I got pregnant without trying. I kept the baby and he’s now a strapping 17yr old and I couldn’t love him more.

DH is the most amazing dad as he’s retired and has time to spend with us both. plus we now have grandkids too and it’s brilliant.

Only terminate if you really want to. My ex blackmailed me into terminating when I was in my mid thirties and I really regretted it.

The best advice I’ve ever read in my life is that we should always decide whether to keep a pregnancy based on whether or not we’d still want it if we had to be single parents.

If you feel able to, it’s your choice and your choice only. However if you have doubts I would go with the safest option.

Dont give advice like this its not helpful.

Op needs to weigh up lots of things and work out if she is able to practically have a child most likely as a single parent

OP this is your body and your choice. If you decide to continue the pregnancy you may well be alone raising this child but its also unlikely your relationship will survive if you terminate against your wishes. Being realistic at your age you are running out of time to have a baby. Yes people do have babies older but many cant. Please decide what you want not him.

This is your decision, you have to do what is right for you! It will be you that will feel the regret if you don’t go with what you really want! Sending you lots of positive vibes x

I think you need to put your partners views to one side here and focus on your own. Because whether or not to continue with a pregnancy must be a woman's choice alone. Made without influence, even that of the man who impregnated her. Your partner is already a parent and if he had no wish to repeat the experience, his decision making lay at the point of conception. After that, its all up to you.
I don't particularly love his holding out a carrot of a possible baby in the future either. If he's against it now, why would he change his mind? And time is not on your side if he decides to dither and keep kicking the can down the road.
So make your choice as though you were a single parent (which you could end up being) Consider how you'd manage alone and whether that's manageable and desirable.
If I were you I'd talk it through with a counsellor for unbiased support without an agenda.

How are you so sure they wouldn't be willing to help with their only grandchild?

If you have the child, it has the right to a financial contribution from its father. If he didn’t want to pay for his child he should have done more to prevent conception.

Do you want the kid or do you worry you'll regret not having the kid? It will be incredibly hard to do on your own so you need to have certainty to carry you through the difficult bits.

@Peakcentral
OP - you would not be fully alone if you have a baby.. I think you are imagining the worst case scenario where your parents and your partner abandon you and don't want to see the respective grand child/ child. This is unlikely to happen.

AND, more importantly - you will not be alone because you'll have a child and they bring so much joy to your life. You'll also make mum friends, etc. And, finally - as you mentioned that you are ok financially - you'll be able to afford practical help, which is often the most important thing about think about making your life more comfortable in the early days of motherhood, when things are difficult.

However - all of that aside - you are already connected to this pregnancy. And - if you terminate, this will be not something that your existing relationship will survive. It's one thing saying you don't want to have children and never getting pregnant anyway. It is altogether different to actually be pregnant and be forced to terminate because the man does not want to have a child. You are, most likely, going to eventually be resentful and the relationship won't survive anyway.

You are only 40... So many women have kids in your age. My 2nd was born when I was 39. And I was divorced by mid 40s....
Kids are not always easy. Having them while in a relationship where both want them is NO guarantee that you won't end up raising them alone.

Do not have a termination if any part of you wants to have that child. Don't think that the decision to have / or never to have children has to be made by the mere presence of a man by your side, or by his desire at that particular moment to be a father. Plenty of men who "don't want children" - step up and do the right things once the kids are born. And - equally - plenty of men who "are ready to be fathers" - end up as terrible parents who end up abandoning the children they are supposed to be responsible for.

Give yourself a bit longer to make such a huge decision. You are early on in the pregnancy and can definitely wait for another week or two. At 40, you have to assume that this might be your only chance to have a child, no matter what your DP says.

It’s your body and your choice.

I had my DD at 41 as a single mother. I have never regretted it. It helps that I was already a senior professional so finances were much better than if I had been 21. In your place I would keep the baby. Good luck whatever you decide

Absolutely this - but be realistic and aware you may end up being a single mum if he doesn’t come around.

Don’t believe him for a second when he says he might be open to it in future, there will always be some reason why it’s not the right time.

The relationship will probably not survive whatever you decide.