Pregnant at 40, partner is 53, termination booked but devastated

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I’m 40, my partner is 53 and we’ve been together for 10 months. I’m currently 5+2 weeks pregnant and have a termination booked.

He has a 13-year-old child and isn’t keen to continue with this pregnancy, although he’s open to discussing trying again in the future when we’ve had more time together. Realistically though, I don’t think we’ll ever get to a point where we decide to have a child together.

Logically, a termination feels like the sensible decision given our ages and relatively new relationship, but emotionally I’m devastated.

I’ve never particularly wanted children and always thought I’d be happy without them. I’ve also never been pregnant before and wasn’t sure I could conceive. Yet since finding out, I’ve felt an overwhelming protectiveness towards this pregnancy that I never expected.

At 40, I’m painfully aware this could be my only chance to have a baby. The thought of ending this pregnancy and potentially never conceiving again is heartbreaking.

I feel completely torn between my head and my heart and terrified of making a decision I’ll regret forever.

Has anyone experienced something similar, particularly an unexpected first pregnancy later in life? I’d really appreciate honest experiences from both sides, as I’m struggling enormously with what to do.

Bless you, what a difficult situation. It is very early in the pregnancy, so I would take some more time to make up your mind and seek out some counselling/therapy to talk it through.

Keep your baby no matter what...

Such a difficult one as nobody should be forced into a parenthood they don’t want. But neither should you pass up your chance for another person if it’s not what you want. Take him out of the equation for a moment. If he disappeared right now, what would you do? If the answer is that you would keep the baby, then maybe that’s your answer?

If you want this baby have it . It may be your only chance to be a mum . Do what YOU want to do .

Keep your baby if that's what you want to do.

I'd choose that any day over a relationship of just 10 months, or having a 'future baby' with a man who's already 53.

Take him out of the equation - realistically your relationship won’t survive this whatever you choose.

I'm older than you and my DH is a few years older than your DP. We just had a baby after many years of infertility. I know many people will have opinions but people who know us can't be happier for us. We know it's not ideal of course but our baby is here, and we are so happy and determined to do our best to be the best parents she deserves.

If you really want this baby, you should keep the baby. From our experience tyring to conceive, no matter how many people say I got pregnant at 45 or whatever, the chance of miscarriage gets higher as women get older, after 40 our chance of having a healthy baby drops significantly.

You’ve got potentially 40 or 50 years to be a mother ahead of you. You’ve been with this bloke 10 months. Have the baby. It’s your body.

Such a difficult one as nobody should be forced into a parenthood they don’t want.

Unless she forced him to have sex, no-one is being forced into parenthood.

He's made himself the parent of two kids - one who's 13 and one who's just been conceived.

It's not so much the pregnancy or your ages but the fact that the relationship isn't even a year old . If you feel you can do parenthood on your own then keep your baby. He will either join in or he won't .

Do you think you could cope as a single mum? If the answer is yes, keep the baby. From what you have said, you are likely to lose the relationship either way. If the thought of terminating the pregnancy is devastating for you, you will probably resent your partner afterwards. Tell him how you feel. He is probably in shock and may change his mind.

Sounds like if you have the termination, you will regret it for the rest of your life. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Only you can figure out what you want for yourself, what you’d regret more. Don’t let anyone pressure you.

And don’t forget - if he didn’t want to father a child he should have either had a vasectomy or no sex. So don’t feel guilty there.

I wouldn't go ahead with a termination if I were feeling like this. I'm absolutely pro-choice but you don't sound like you really want to have a termination. At your age, it's very possible that this is your last chance to be a mother. If you think you're prepared to go it alone, then you need to at least think about keeping the baby. It's your body, your decision - while his feelings have to be taken into consideration but ultimately, you're the one having to go through either a termination or pregnancy and birth. That, in my opinion, is the bottom line.

Don't worry about the bit about the relatively new relationship. The important thing is whether or not you want the baby.

If you were both good with sleeping together without protection he can’t now dictate the outcome if you’re pregnant. I agree with above poster, you have time to make a decision, don’t rush into anything, it isn’t reversible. A termination I think is often presented as a ‘relief’ but the emotional toll is no joke if you’re unsure so I really wouldn’t rush.

Realistically , you would need to view this as your one and only chance to have a baby because the chance of your other half deciding he would like to try again later on and you falling pregnant is very slim indeed.

It would also be wise to take into account that you would be a single mum, as it's very unlikely your partner would want to be involved.

Give yourself a little bit more time if possible. It's very easy to say you don't particularly want children when you're not pregnant. It's hard to project your feelings into the future but do you think you could get over having the abortion even if your relationship ends over this? Do you truly want to be a mother with all that involves , or is it more the emotions of being pregnant , which would be completely understandable.

Sorry you're in this situation. Maybe go away somewhere by yourself for a couple of nights and think it all through and make sure it's a decision made by you alone.

Women who terminate because the man doesn’t want the baby tend to regret it. And the relationship doesn’t survive anyway because resentment sinks in.

If you want the child - keep it. Don’t ever get a termination that you are not fully on board with and pushing for.

You need to go with your heart on this OP.
The only thing that matters is what you really want.
Your age is not a reason for not having a baby you want. But it does increase the risk you never conceive again and end up deeply regretting a termination.

If your not certain about the decision then don't do it. I fell unexpectedly pregnant and was never interested in having kids. But when I saw the positive result my heart filled with a love I'd never had for them. I was then pressured into a termination that I didn't want. I'll never forgive myself or get over the loss. I have a son now but I still think about my first. The 'what ifs" really eat away at me. If you feel emotionally, financially, physically and logistically ready then just give yourself a few weeks to consider your options fully. Don't rush into this. I'd recommend because of your age that you ring your areas early pregnancy unit to get some advice and guidance. You need to cast aside your partners feelings right now and focus on you own. If he didn't want kids they badly he should've been more careful. Good luck and look after yoursel

My eldest was born 20 months after meeting my now husband. A short relationship isn’t a negative sign.

is he aware of your thoughts? Talk to him.

Flip a coin on in. The answer will tell you how you really feel (i.e if you flip the coin and it lands on abortion and you’re heartbroken, keep the baby)

Please keep your baby, you won’t regret it.

In the future do you think you will regret the termination, or regret having the baby?

What would you do if he wasn’t in the picture OP?

He has a child, you don’t!

It’s all very well people saying keep the baby but can you afford to on your own ? Will you manage financially and emotionally? Do you have a support network? Parenthood is hard , especially on your own. His age and yours the chances of sen are higher. This last chance .. it’s one thing if you always wanted a child .. do you really want one ? If you do you will cope as it’s what you wanted but if you are unsure I would think long and hard about how your life will look and if it’s something you really want