Pregnant at 40, partner is 53, termination booked but devastated

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I’m 40, my partner is 53 and we’ve been together for 10 months. I’m currently 5+2 weeks pregnant and have a termination booked.

He has a 13-year-old child and isn’t keen to continue with this pregnancy, although he’s open to discussing trying again in the future when we’ve had more time together. Realistically though, I don’t think we’ll ever get to a point where we decide to have a child together.

Logically, a termination feels like the sensible decision given our ages and relatively new relationship, but emotionally I’m devastated.

I’ve never particularly wanted children and always thought I’d be happy without them. I’ve also never been pregnant before and wasn’t sure I could conceive. Yet since finding out, I’ve felt an overwhelming protectiveness towards this pregnancy that I never expected.

At 40, I’m painfully aware this could be my only chance to have a baby. The thought of ending this pregnancy and potentially never conceiving again is heartbreaking.

I feel completely torn between my head and my heart and terrified of making a decision I’ll regret forever.

Has anyone experienced something similar, particularly an unexpected first pregnancy later in life? I’d really appreciate honest experiences from both sides, as I’m struggling enormously with what to do.

It’s not his choice if you have the baby. He can choose to walk away and pay his share.

First off you need more time to decide so cancel current appointment. Second - this is your only chance to have a baby. I know there is a slight chance but you need to think of it this way. Third- unless you are fully on board wuth the termunation don't do it. You might lose your relationship but the resentment will build afterwards and that will probably destroy it anyway and finally....if he was delighted would you be even considering it? I don't think you would.

Yes and she needs to decide this and also if the baby has additional needs or disabilities, she is an older mum and her partner is older

as much as it is still a minority, the risk of downs at age 30 is one in 900 but one in 100 by the age of 40, the risk of miscarriage increases by 30 percent b7 age 40, often due to foetal abnormalities,

and wirh an older father there is a higher risk of autism, schizophrenia etc and potential foetal abnormalities due to the fact fhe sperm has replicated so many times,

it is still a minority event, but at 40 and 53, the op also needs to factor this in and make peace with the risks before proceeding.

I got pregnant 5 months into a relationship that was at that point coming to a natural end. I was 37, had never wanted children and am very much pro choice but whether it was hormones, insanity or divine intervention I decided I needed to have the baby. Five years in she is the love of my blooming life.

It’s hard don’t get me wrong, possibly easier for me as I have a great support network of friends and you mentioned you wouldn’t have lots of support (although money is more of an issue for me!). But I will say if you want to make it work you’ll make it work, and this boyfriends needs and wants don’t trump yours.

Im not trying to guilt you at all, I know several people who have had terminations for different reasons and whilst at times it’s been emotional none have any regrets in the long term. But if you deep down want to keep your baby then you will manage.

Best of luck however you proceed x

I had my last baby at age 42. It was an accident and DH and I had to talk through all the risks, pros and cons. We had 2 much older children and that was something we needed to consider too. My thoughts are that you should talk things through both with a counsellor and your partner together and separately.
The ramifications of whatever decision you make will be far reaching.
FWIW I have never regretted our decision to proceed with the unexpected, unplanned pregnancy. The DC is now 28 and has been an absolute blessing and a joy.
However, you and your partner need to talk this through and consider carefully how to make a choice you can both live with. I wish you all the best,

It sounds like you want the baby so do it! Don't terminate for a man.

If you're not fully decided I would cancel the appointment. You still have time to decide. Also people mention the increase in down syndrome etc but you can get tested for these before the cut off for a termination.

I'd see this as realistically your only chance. I think that's a sensible way to approach it as you never know when your chance will end. For many women they find it difficult to get pregnant at 40 plus.

Your partner saying you might have one in the future is just him kicking the decision into the future, as in a year or so you might not be able to have children, and he knows this. I think someone his age isn't going to suddenly have an urge to have more children. He'll always be like this.

OP you need to think past the baby stage, do you want a 10 year old when you’re 50?

I found parenting teens very challenging and thankless so it’s hard for a long time not just a few sleepless nights.

Make the decision based on the next 20 years and what you can realistically provide physically, emotionally, financially.

I do, lots of my family do (ASD plus others) and my child does. Do I love my child? With all my heart. Do I want them to go through life, struggling? No and if I could take the struggle away from them, I would.

Depending on how old the man is, 1 in 20 of his sperm will have mutations. That's a bigger than average risk.

He wants to revisit "in the future". Stating a fact which you already know here, but you're 40, you probably don't have any more chances.

Sounds like you want the baby and he's putting pressure on you. Keep it. To hell with him.

"He's open to discussing trying again in future when we've had more time together."

NO, no he really isn't.

He's saying whatever he has to, to convince you to terminate, and will then do everything to make sure you never fall pregnant by him again. Maybe even split up with you right after terminating now it's clear from your reaction to the pregnancy that you would actually like a baby.
If he was open to having a baby with you, especially given you are already 40, he'd be willing to see how this pregnancy goes.

It really sounds like you'd regret terminating, it would probably destroy your relationship, then you're single, 40+ no baby and may very likely not get the chance again.

Better to have the baby with adoption being an extreme scenario back up, than terminate and never get another chance.

Lots to consider. Not a nice situation, for you to be in though. If your partner "wasn't keen" on having another child, I'd be interested to know, the measures he took, to prevent an unplanned pregnancy, or is it a case of, as per, leaving the birth control to the woman?
Take him out of the equation. Could you raise the child on your own? Realistically, could you afford it? Do you have wider family support? Don't let him influence your decision to terminate. That is your decision. If you feel pressured, you'll regret it, and resent him. Time for a serious heart to heart with him. Cards on the table. Good luck. X💐

I'm pro-choice, for people who want to end their pregnancies.
Keep your baby if that's what your heart is telling you.

This is what’s tested for by 20 weeks, but there are many many conditions not tested for,

• Edwards’ syndrome (T18)
• Patau’s syndrome (T13)
• anencephaly
• spina bifida
• cleft lip
• congenital diaphragmatic hernia
• gastroschisis
• exomphalos
• congenital heart disease
• bilateral renal agenesis
• lethal skeletal dysplasia

Reading this post it sounds very much like the termination is booked for him. Its your body and your baby. In terms of regret, you could-and by the sounds of i would- regret a termination, i dont think you're ever regret a child

Think carefully about how you would cope with a disabled or severely disabled child, especially as a single parent. I know several people , one older couple in particular who this happened to. They went ahead and it has wrecked their lives, their finances, their dreams, and their mental health.

Just remember that pregnancy hormones ( and normal ones in your late 30s) are very powerful and designed to propagate the species, not help rational decision making. Late 30s hormones even had me briefly consider it. I am so glad I didn’t cave in. It would have been a disaster.

my father was 51 when I was born, back in the days when it was very unusual. He was a lovely, lovely man, but more of a grandfather than a father figure.

Good luck, whatever you decide.🌸

Do not end a pregnancy you want because a man you haven't even been with that long tells you he 'might' let you try again down the road. You will end up with bitter resentment and regret if you do it for a false promise from a man.

Also living your life thinking 'I don't want to have kids'. 'I would get pregnant a year into a new relationship' and actively using birth control to not get pregnant etc... is completely different to your now actual reality of being pregnant and ending it.

You don't have to do something to 'not have a kid' just because of the things you thought/said/planned before it was ever a reality you had to face. Most people change their views or life paths when new unexpected things come up and they find themselves feeling different within their new reality.

This. I wouldn't be surprised, if he ended the relationship, after she terminated the pregnancy. OP, NO man should pressure a woman to terminate. He's absolutely telling you, what you want to hear, to put pressure on you

Think very hard how you would manage with no network of support. I had a network that's now passed on so nothing can be guaranteed but what would happen in different circumstances? If you was admitted to hospital? If you had to take a course at work and was late home etc etc. In no way should these dictate your decision but I would definitely encourage you to consider this.

Cmon now, that’s all sorts of messed up, he’s not told her to terminate so by saying he doesn’t wish a child but it’s up to her he’s pressurising her, whay do you wish him to do, lie ?

I got pregnant 9 months after meeting my current partner aged 41 and then lost that pregnancy at 7 weeks. It made me realise just how much I wanted the baby, we went on to have two more losses and it feels very much out of my hands now. I guess what I'm saying is that miscarriage in your forties is very very common; everything you've written indicates that you really want this baby and so I'm rooting for you that you get to carry on your pregnancy.

Exactly.

Nobody is being forced into being a parent. If you don’t want to be a parent, then surely you take the appropriate measures before having sex.

Have that baby. You will regret a termination in the future but you'll never regret the child you have.

You won't be fully alone - he will have to give at least some financial support.

You need to make this decision purely on the basis of your own feelings.

Knowing the intense worry I feel about my young adults and the world they are entering, I would give it a lot more thought if I were making the decision now to have a child.

If you decide not to go ahead with the pregnancy, and do feel regret, I think this fact might help you come to terms with your decision, at least in part.

I have found that the emotional toll of loving so intensely gets greater, not easier, as they grow up. It's an incredible thing, but there is a real cost which I don't think many people talk about.