Pregnant at 40, partner is 53, termination booked but devastated

[Peakcentral]

I’m 40, my partner is 53 and we’ve been together for 10 months. I’m currently 5+2 weeks pregnant and have a termination booked.

He has a 13-year-old child and isn’t keen to continue with this pregnancy, although he’s open to discussing trying again in the future when we’ve had more time together. Realistically though, I don’t think we’ll ever get to a point where we decide to have a child together.

Logically, a termination feels like the sensible decision given our ages and relatively new relationship, but emotionally I’m devastated.

I’ve never particularly wanted children and always thought I’d be happy without them. I’ve also never been pregnant before and wasn’t sure I could conceive. Yet since finding out, I’ve felt an overwhelming protectiveness towards this pregnancy that I never expected.

At 40, I’m painfully aware this could be my only chance to have a baby. The thought of ending this pregnancy and potentially never conceiving again is heartbreaking.

I feel completely torn between my head and my heart and terrified of making a decision I’ll regret forever.

Has anyone experienced something similar, particularly an unexpected first pregnancy later in life? I’d really appreciate honest experiences from both sides, as I’m struggling enormously with what to do.

Kept my babies at 42 and adore my twins however we do have others older to and I adore my kids. Would never have put a man before baby. If you keep I think you will feel tired but fulfilled

Don't rush it. Postpone the appointment. You have time. Allow yourself to think through the pros and cons and work through your emotions.

It won't get easier to have a baby, I had my youngest at 37 and it was definitely harder than my eldest in my late 20's. With your partner in his 50's, having a baby in a year or 2 would be very difficult, he would be in his 70's before they left school.

You also likely need to be prepared for the relationship to end if you decide to keep it. He's made his position clear and it is fairly new.

But give yourself time. There are many happy mums who had baby's in their 40's, happy single mums. Think through your options, don't rush it and just agree with what he wants. Make sure you are making the decision thats right for you too.

You have time op , you’re only five weeks pregnant, it may or may not continue.

if it does you’ve time to make a decision,but I would advise you to do so assuming you will be raising rhe child alone.

At his age he doesn’t wish another child, which i understand, but the choice on whether to have it or not is the mothers, the fathers choice is whether he is involved or not past the cms payment.

What do you want, OP?

If you want to keep the baby, go for it. Don't ruminate on or get overwhelmed by the future; have faith that things will all fall into routine.

I have 2 friends who were in your exact position. One now has a teenager daughter, and the other a 10 year old son. Both still single and the children spend time between them and their father. Both are very happy.

I have no support network really. Am an only child, parents in their early sixties but not willing/able to help. Money not so much of an issue though.

I would be fully alone in this if, as people rightly point out is a highly probable scenario, the relationship were to end.

If you feel devastated at ending this pregnancy, I think that you know what you should do.

I use this concept for so many decisions. Tell my husband to decide for me, when he picks wrong I instinctively know.

@Peakcentral it’s a difficult decision. You have time to make it still though, give yourself chance to work it through in your head before you do something you could regret. I’m sure given a little bit of extra time that you’ll be able to get more comfortable with your decision to either keep the baby or to terminate if that’s what you choose.

This is a big decision, take some time to think this through.
You seem to be saying you have never particularly wanted children but now you are unexpectedly pregnant you are conflicted at the thought of termination .
it seems its your partner of 10 months who wants a termination rather than you?
if thats so. you may resent him if you dont really think about what you want to do.
Good luck.

Christ, sod what HE wants. He can't have unprotected sex and then whine about the consequences. Never make such a decision because of a man. You could terminate for him and then he could dump you the following week.

If you want your baby, have him/her. And congratulations!

Sounds like you want the baby OP, so you should have the baby. It is actually that simple.

You can join NCT groups, pregnancy yoga etc for support, good that money isn't too much of an issue.

Single mum to one child isn't the most difficult thing in the world.

The money would be for the child he conceived. I don't think OP should feel any moral obligation not to claim it, as the child's welfare should come first.

You wouldn’t be fully alone, the baby will have a father even if you aren’t together.

As a parent to his daughter how is he? That’s your worst case scenario if you were to keep and separate.

I certainly wouldn't be keeping a baby at 40. It's bloody hard being a single parent at any age if you partner decides they want out.
Just relentless hard work, sleepless nights, the endless demands of a small child and isolation.
I did it at 21 and there is no way I'd be doing it again.
It all seems very romantic at the time until reality and cost hits. Then it isn't so wonderful after all.
That's jut my opinion though - you need to make up your own mind.
You need a support network, I didn't have one and it was the worst most isolating experience of my life.

i think it’s in very bad faith of him to dangle the possibility of a baby later on if your relationship continues. He knows full well that your age the chances of you conceive me again are extremely unlikely so therefore I think this is a cynical move on his behalf and doesn’t reflect well on him as a current or future partner. I would really think carefully about this OP if you’re feeling like this about your pregnancy then the emotional toll of an abortion could be lifelong and devastating

I think trying again later isn't realistic, and it's just him trying to kick the ball down the road to make having a termination feel less 'final'.

The hard question is - do you want to be a single mum? If you can afford it, and you're finding the thought of a termination too painful then that's your best option. As far as I'm concerned he should pay child support, if he was against ever having another child he should have had a vasectomy. He didn't, and so the risk and responsibility is equally his even if the final decision isn't. You have to live with having had a termination, not him. You, at the end of the day, will have the responsibility for the child, he can opt out as many men do. This is why what you want is vital. If you're happy never to have children, then have a termination. First of all I'd move the appointment and get some urgent counselling to help sort your feelings out.

I agree that's bullshit on his part.

If money isn’t an issue, I wouldn’t worry too much about not having a support network in place at the moment. You can definitely build one over time — there are plenty of NCT classes, local mums’ groups, nannies and other childcare options.

Keep the baby if you want to. He doesn't get to make the decision about whether you become a mother. Were you using any contraception or did you secretly hope this might happen? Being realistic this is likely your last chance.

Don't rush into the decision just yet. Also you don't need to stay with DP either way.

The people who 'say they got preganant at 45 or whatever'... their life experience is no less valid than yours.
However at 40 I agree the OP needs to consider it may be harder to get pregnant from here on.

Do you have life plans and life goals? How would a baby (healthy or not) fit in with these? Are you comfortable flexing / pivoting? How would it sit with you if you lost the baby now due to miscarriage?

No doubt 10 months is very early. But you also kinda know by then- particularly on the big issues. His saying no now, but maybe yes later- would piss me off. He might be being honest. But it sounds like hedging bets to me.

Go with your gut. But assume you will be going solo.

Yes it is! Thank you for noticing that it is helpful, you just need to read the last 2 words on her title to know why I wrote this simple answer! There is always a way to be found to make a situation work if the heart wants it.

Honestly I wpuld be looking to get into intensive therapy/ counselling asap to work out what life looks like either way.
Eg you go ahead and assume you'll solo parent and he just pays some child support (or not) but isn't involved vs. An abortion

What.does that look like in 2 /5 /10 yrs

Raising one child solo (if you have some assets behind you in particular) is eminently achievable.

I support womens rights to choose, but honestly from what your write it sounds like he doesnt want the child but you do.

If you're feeling protective of the pregnancy, i would keep it. I have a friend who loved being "auntie" but didn't think she wanted to be a mum. She had a termination when she was young as it really wasn't the best time. She has fallen accidentally pregnant ans straight away, she knew she was going to keep it.
I don't have a particular religion but I sometimes feel that when things like this happen, they happen for a reason. You're still very early so anything can happen, however if you were to terminate, there's a good chance it won't happen again. It also sounds like he won't want another child.

Take him out of the equation. If money isn't too much of a worry, I would personally keep it. You've been given this chance of parenthood, where at your age, the chances are very low.