Pregnant at 40, partner is 53, termination booked but devastated

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I’m 40, my partner is 53 and we’ve been together for 10 months. I’m currently 5+2 weeks pregnant and have a termination booked.

He has a 13-year-old child and isn’t keen to continue with this pregnancy, although he’s open to discussing trying again in the future when we’ve had more time together. Realistically though, I don’t think we’ll ever get to a point where we decide to have a child together.

Logically, a termination feels like the sensible decision given our ages and relatively new relationship, but emotionally I’m devastated.

I’ve never particularly wanted children and always thought I’d be happy without them. I’ve also never been pregnant before and wasn’t sure I could conceive. Yet since finding out, I’ve felt an overwhelming protectiveness towards this pregnancy that I never expected.

At 40, I’m painfully aware this could be my only chance to have a baby. The thought of ending this pregnancy and potentially never conceiving again is heartbreaking.

I feel completely torn between my head and my heart and terrified of making a decision I’ll regret forever.

Has anyone experienced something similar, particularly an unexpected first pregnancy later in life? I’d really appreciate honest experiences from both sides, as I’m struggling enormously with what to do.

This, 100%.

I'm sorry darling but I think that this is your baby!

I am raising my dd alone. Its tough but ive no family and no husband and no regrets!

The circumstances were SHITE. The obvious answer was to abort and try again later.

But she was mine. And I loved her.

I am not in anyway shaming you for having an abortion. Every woman must make this choice for themselves 🩷.

If its what YOU really want, do it!

But answer honestly - if your man was pro baby - would you be doing this??

You can raise a baby in these circumstances. Everyone's life is messy, no matter how glossy their Instagram marriages are.

If you love this baby inside of you. And youre 40! This could really really be your baby. Fuck everyone else, its your choice 🩷

All the best x

Keep your baby OP it doesn’t sound like you want a termination

Time is on your side for dealing with this pregnancy. It's early days.

Take all the counselling you can.

Investigate your maternity leave entitlement. Trickier if you're self employed and on your own.

How would you cope if the child had health issues, physical or psychological?
Make sure you have all the screening tests.

Is it at all possible that your parents might become involved? They're still only in their sixties, they must have had you pretty young? Even if only for distant moral support.
All the best...I think in your heart you have a sense of what you really want💐

I think other posters are probably right that “think about it later” is his way of putting off saying no. If his age is a consideration then he’s not going to get younger, neither are you so that issue will only get bigger not smaller.

The question you need to answer now is, which of these would you regret more:

• never having this child
• losing the relationship.

No one can guarantee that the pregnancy will be successful so there is a possibility that you could lose both but do you want to give the pregnancy a chance? There’s a possibility even without a baby the relationship won’t work out. Is being a mum worth the risk of losing the man? These are questions only you can answer and you have the right to make either decision, but it needs to be your decision because you will have to live with it.

If you already feel protective about your pregnancy, my gut feeling, not knowing much about anything else in your context, is that you should keep the baby. You might regret not having done so, and that is an awful feeling to live with. I wasn't sure I wanted to be a mum and I only had my first child at 38, with a relatively straightforward pregnancy. I loved being a mum and my baby so much that I soon decided to have a second, and then into my early forties this was a much more complicated situation, with two miscarriages in the way, so you are right to consider that there might not be other chances. Your relationship will probably not survive, but I do think becoming a mum is what you will take out of it. But this is a very personal decision, and should always be what feels right for you. As you have written it, it feels like you are asking for permission to proceed with the pregnancy, and you don't need to have anyone's permission. You must do what feels right to you.

Think about the potential child. They have a right to know who their dad is, are you up for having him in your life (not necessarily in a relationship) so they can have a relationship with him. Or deal with the fact they might not have an involved dad.

Older parents have a higher chance of having a child with autism etc. Could you deal with that on your own?

She might?

I had a baby at 39 my husband turned 50 three months after DD was born. She is a toddler now and we wouldn’t change anything. You need to do what is right for you, don’t let your DP make the decision for the both of you.

You’re a star @hotmumshit !

Wtf is wrong with people on this thread? Having a baby is the most demanding thing anyone ever does. A couple of months ago the OP didn't want a baby, wasn't even considering it, because she knew full well she didn't want children, which is absolutely fair enough. Now a few hormones have kicked in after an unsolicited pregnancy and people are suggesting she abandon her life long decision because.... God knows why... because they personally enjoy their own children. Yes, she may not get another chance, but she didn't want children, which again, is absolutely fair enough!

If you can afford to support ypurself and a baby on your own, then i would deginitely keep it, if thats what you want to do. I get he may be a bit freaked out becoming a father at 53, because the reality is that he is going to be going into his 60s when the child is at primary school age, and it will be hard. Doesnt sound like a definite no from him though.

Things may go to shit with him whether you have the baby or not. If YOU want the baby, have it.

Oh thank you! Usually I get told that i'm 'not very bright' so thats nice to hear! 🩷

Keep us updated, op, okay 🩷

I had a termination at 41 y.o. in difficult circumstances. I have always regretted it. I already had 2 children and the father wouldn't have been involved, so logically it seemed the only thing to do. The grief I felt was overwhelming. It was the worst time in my life as I couldn't tell anyone and had no support. I wish you all the best and I hope you're ok with whatever decision you make and that you have some support around you xx

There aren't many people thinking about this from the point of view of the child here. OP is an only child. Her child will likely be an only child. Especially if she were to split with her partner, that leaves no other family at all for the child. Could be rather a lonely life for them, and god help them if they have serious disabilities and find themselves alone in the world one day.

@Mixedberrygenderfluidmuffin she’s just turning 7.

Based on what you are feeling and your own personal circumstances (the financial bit). I think you’d regret having an abortion.

i am someone who became pregnant at 29 to a 44yr old ‘man’. I said I didn’t want to keep it but then almost immediately changed my mind.

I had horrific sickness from very early on (about six weeks, which sent me into a dissociative state) and that, coupled with his insistence that I abort, had me go through with it. I lost my strength and folded. The night before I was due to meet a friend, but she cancelled. I know she’d have talked me out of it 😔

The relationship ended shortly thereafter. Always regret it, have forgiven myself now, but 100% regret as it was the wrong decision for me. Traumatic too taking the abortion pill which I did alone.

I later went on to have a child (6yrs later). I only found peace when I had him.

He’s open to discussing trying again…

I think you should have this baby, OP.

I had my one and only at 42. Partner was 50. Is it hard - yes. Is it harder than if I'd had them when I was younger - no I don't think so. I'm more financially stable and have more patience. Yes - having older parents (grandparents) who can't really help out with childcare is a bummer - but reading a lot of the posts on here it's hot and miss on if you'd have had the help anyway.
I would change it! It's been a blessing.

OP my heart goes out to you. I had a very short relationship with a man which resulted in my becoming pregnant at 40. He already had children from previous relationship and freaked out at the thought of any more (he was in his late 40s).

He said he couldn’t cope so I said I’d cope without him. It was hard at the time and I had a little bit of family support, but basically I did it all on my own.

Today I have the most gorgeous son who’s 23 and who’s the love and light of my life. He’s never had a father figure in his life but he’s given me such enormous joy that I can’t imagine how my life would have been if I’d had a termination. I knew it was my only chance to become a mother and I admit I was lucky as I had a good pregnancy.

I wish you all the best in your decision but it could be the most wonderful thing that’s ever happened to you. Not having financial worries will be a big help too. I wish you luck OP 💕

Don't terminate. You'll regret it.

Please don’t let anyone pressurise you into doing something you really don’t want to do. Cancel that termination & go ahead & have YOUR baby. You will never, ever regret it.

Keep the baby!

Realistically, if you were to have an abortion, meet someone else and build a relationship with them, you’re fertile clock is ticking. This might be your last chance.

Yes, it’s possible to have a baby in your forties but the risk of certain conditions increase whilst your fertility decreases.

Both of my dc were surprises in my early twenties. I wouldn’t change them for the world. I’m a single mum and it’s hard but very doable. Especially as you mentioned before money isn’t an issue.

I find it remarkably selfish of men who enter relationships with childfree woman and expect them not to want a child or their own just because they already have one.

Either he should have went for a vasectomy if he was determined he didn’t want more dc, went for a woman his own age or a single mother who didn’t want anymore children either.

Keep the baby OP. It could be your only chance of motherhood and if the relationship ends anyway, you will regret terminating.