Pregnant at 40, partner is 53, termination booked but devastated

[Peakcentral]

I’m 40, my partner is 53 and we’ve been together for 10 months. I’m currently 5+2 weeks pregnant and have a termination booked.

He has a 13-year-old child and isn’t keen to continue with this pregnancy, although he’s open to discussing trying again in the future when we’ve had more time together. Realistically though, I don’t think we’ll ever get to a point where we decide to have a child together.

Logically, a termination feels like the sensible decision given our ages and relatively new relationship, but emotionally I’m devastated.

I’ve never particularly wanted children and always thought I’d be happy without them. I’ve also never been pregnant before and wasn’t sure I could conceive. Yet since finding out, I’ve felt an overwhelming protectiveness towards this pregnancy that I never expected.

At 40, I’m painfully aware this could be my only chance to have a baby. The thought of ending this pregnancy and potentially never conceiving again is heartbreaking.

I feel completely torn between my head and my heart and terrified of making a decision I’ll regret forever.

Has anyone experienced something similar, particularly an unexpected first pregnancy later in life? I’d really appreciate honest experiences from both sides, as I’m struggling enormously with what to do.

You’ll never regret having your child but you may regret not

This, absolutely this. Well said xx

Honestly if you are financially secure I would keep it. I don’t believe that he will some around to the idea in the future.

Honestly? If you’re doubting your decision, don’t terminate

I had my baby at 39, unexpectedly, and despite my doubts it’s been the best thing ever

yes, there have been hard times, but I’m so glad I pressed on

Only do it if it’s what you really want. I was once pressured into a termination and I regret it to this day. Good luck whatever you choose 💐

I have a younger friend about your age who had several rounds of IVF and used a donor to have her much wanted child, if you go ahead with this and regret it that could be what you would have to do to have a baby as I think your partner is not serious about having a baby later. I think that to go through that alone would be harder than keeping this baby and becoming a lone parent.

Just to add I think my friend would say it’s the hardest thing she has ever done, and she has needed a lot of support from friends, but she knows that she would have deeply regretted not being a parent. As per PP you will find supportive friends and groups and build a support network IF this is what you want.

Because there are people on this thread who also didn’t want children until they unexpectedly got pregnant and now they are delighted they have kids.

OP now has maternal feelings.

The vast majority of people who have kids love having kids, because having more love in your life is great. And there is no love like that you have for and with your kids.

There is nothing wrong with people on this thread. They just know that once you have started to experience this love, as OP has, the loss of it is terrible.

Agree.

Keep the baby. Follow your heart.

It doesn’t sound like you are 100 percent certain about termination.

I agree wholeheartedly with every word of this x

Some people do regret having a child

I think he's future faking so don't terminate this pregnancy with the hope there will be another. Have this baby if you want them but be very very sure. Parenting is hard, kids need parents who want them. Take care.

I ended up a single parent with loving family but who were 5 hours away. I got an amazing nanny to help me when I had to return to work. In the meantime I did NCT, every mother and baby group I could find so I could get out everyday. I was lonely at times but never regretted my gorgeous DC. Then met partner when DC was 5.

In your shoes I'd keep the baby, if I wanted to, whether it was the wise thing to do or not.

I love having my kids and I couldn't imagine passing up the chance to do it.

Aged 43,with a son of 8 and daughter of 9 months,I became pregnant with twins after a contraceptive failure.
Id only known him for a few months (my older kids have different dad)and he was an abuser who made every day a terrifying nightmare.
But I never thought about a termination because I already loved those babies. I feel you have bonded already and beg you to keep this child if you can. As you can see,my life was extremely hard but I have never regretted having them,ever.

This was me. Accidental mum. Never wanted it, best thing ever

You need to focus on you and not him.

It sounds to me like you don't want a termination, if you have one will this relationship be over anyway?

I'd have the baby. It sounds like you want to so you should take his feelings out of the equation

I loved being a single mum it was tiring but wonderful. I didn't live anywhere near family but I built a support network of friends and neighbours plus nursery staff who could babysit

Realistically what are the chances of him planning a baby with you in the future?
without sounding harsh motherhood at 40 plus often has no future.
If this baby is what you want then keep it, don't let him or anyone else pressure you into a termination.
Yes the situation may not be ideal but a planned baby is a leap of faith that tips your world upside down too , don't plan your life around this man ,make plans around how you can see your future as a mom .
Don't do something you may regret.

That is a dlemma. I can understand your boyfriend's misgivings, he doesn't want to start child rearing all over again but he is half to blame for your pregnancy.

It's entirely up to you. It's early enough for you to take some time to weigh up the options. Where you live, your job, your income - are you able of being.a ne-parent family? Only you.can decide.

You won't be alone in the sense that you'll come across others in the same position as you - and some really do make.a good job of parenting.

Good luck.

I know women who have had healthy babies well into their 40s, and one at 52 (spontaneous pregnancy) but the main problem for me is the 10 months relationship and the much older man and the risk of health issues that come from that.

It’s a hard situation for you, but as someone who was a single parent for many years, I have to say it can be very tough & exhausting and there is a chance you may have to do this all on your own if you carry on with the pregnancy so you have to sit down & think if you can do it all. I had family support and still struggled as had postnatal depression, plus my ex partner did not contribute at all financially and I ended up in a lot of debt. I love my daughter very much (even as a very stubborn and argumentative teen currently), but have to be honest and say I do feel jealous sometimes of my friends who have chosen to stay child free and really enjoy it & live relatively stress free lives.
You’ve got time to think about it all, you do what you want to do, dont worry about anyone else, but please try and figure out what support you can get emotionally and financially if needed, in case you have to do it on your own. Good luck with whatever you decide.

You are clearly are very maternal as you already feel protective of your little baby.

If you really didn't want to have this baby, you'd feel as if it were a parasite and wouldn't hesitate to abort - anyway you could.

You have the makings of a mother and if you were to abort, you'd never look at your boyfriend the same way again. He's already passed his genes on.

Continue to protect your baby, mum. It'll be worth it.

100%. Keep the baby. Your body, your choice. Be ready to do it alone. Sometimes it's harder with a man involved, tbh.

@Peakcentral I was in this situation ages just one year different (39/52 ) and we had been together a few less months.Partner had a daughter in her 20s. While I had felt like I wanted children in my early 30s when many of my peers were getting married and having children, by the end of my 30s I was begining to enjoy the freedom and independence of being child free. However when I realised I was accidentally pregnant I began to reassess everything. He said he would support whatever decision I made.
But I realised I didn't feel emotionally or financially secure enough to potentially be a single parent - especially if there had been any SEN. My mum had already passed and my Dad was elderly and in poor health.
I had a termination at around 10 weeks and similar to a pp I felt a lot of sadness but mainly relief. In the beginning I thought about it every day . But 10 years down the line I am still with my partner , we are happy without children and whilst I sometimes think about it I feel 100% that I made the right decision.

It sounds like you should definitely consider keeping this baby. You are 40. You don't have years ahead of you to decide you do want a child after all, and I'm sure he knows it. At this stage, it's a bigger gamble than if you were younger, and any future baby isn't this baby that you feel so protective over.

He has a child. He knows sex can make babies. Now the baby is in your body and you get to make the choice whether you have it or not. Don't rush into anything.