Pregnant at 40, partner is 53, termination booked but devastated

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I’m 40, my partner is 53 and we’ve been together for 10 months. I’m currently 5+2 weeks pregnant and have a termination booked.

He has a 13-year-old child and isn’t keen to continue with this pregnancy, although he’s open to discussing trying again in the future when we’ve had more time together. Realistically though, I don’t think we’ll ever get to a point where we decide to have a child together.

Logically, a termination feels like the sensible decision given our ages and relatively new relationship, but emotionally I’m devastated.

I’ve never particularly wanted children and always thought I’d be happy without them. I’ve also never been pregnant before and wasn’t sure I could conceive. Yet since finding out, I’ve felt an overwhelming protectiveness towards this pregnancy that I never expected.

At 40, I’m painfully aware this could be my only chance to have a baby. The thought of ending this pregnancy and potentially never conceiving again is heartbreaking.

I feel completely torn between my head and my heart and terrified of making a decision I’ll regret forever.

Has anyone experienced something similar, particularly an unexpected first pregnancy later in life? I’d really appreciate honest experiences from both sides, as I’m struggling enormously with what to do.

There is far more chance that your partner will turn out to be devastatingly disappointing than this baby will OP. Do not make this decision based on his feelings. Make sure that whatever you do is what you want.

Keep it!!!!

He might not want a child but it sounds as if you aren't sure you feel the same and, ultimately, you have to act in line with what you want. You haven't been together long and (in any age) a baby after ten months might be stressful for a couple who are still really learning each other so that could be adding to the decision on both of your parts. You have time to decide properly, to talk to your doctor and a counsellor and make the best decision for you and your life. If you want to be a mother, with or without him, don't be worried to stand up for that.

I would keep a baby I wanted, but not expect anything at all from him (including money). That is what I feel is right, and I have thought a lot about this.

Your age makes it even more crucial that you follow your heart, and don't allow his feelings to influence your decision. I would, however, let him make his own decision about whether to be involved financially and emotionally.

It’s one thing to say you don’t want children when it’s all hypothetical, but it’s not uncommon at all for women with unplanned pregnancies to realize that although they previously didn’t want a baby, they want this baby. Which seems to be what’s happening with OP.

So helpful

If you have the financial means and emotional support, keep it.
My friend was in a similar situation. She terminated, as she wanted her partner to be fully on board .
She is still with her partner and went on to have a child with him. She was 42 when she gave birth.

My sister in law, also in a similar situation, had the financial means and family support, so she kept the child. Her partner left her.
She is now with another man and has a child with him.

It's a tough situation. I went through something similar. At the time, I had a lot of emotions swaying towards continuing the pregnancy, I think that's natural - once we're pregnant there must be a lot of hormonal and unconscious stuff going on that affects how we feel. At times I felt I was fighting myself to get to a clear-headed decision based on lots of factors. But what stuck was primarily that I had not wanted a child before this accident and I did not want an accident to be the cause of a lifetime of motherhood. I had the termination, I was sad, I was upset, and I was relieved, simultaneously. Time passed and I moved through these emotions without trying, and a year later did not have regrets, and still don't 10 years later.

This is what I wrote in my journal last night, pretty much word for word.

Thank you. It’s really helpful to hear this point of view.

Exaxtly why counselling will be helpful. Postpone the appointment.

Don’t rush your decision and get advice in real life. Many of us would keep the baby in this situation - you don’t owe him an abortion.

Not me but a friend. She had a newish partner- 6 months- and like yours he didn't feel ready yet to have a child with her, but felt if they'd been together longer he would.

She chose the baby over the man. She's been a single parent for 16 years now and has had a wonderful time and has been a fantastic mum. I worry what will happen when her son leaves home but she has been very careful to nurture close female friendships so her son had close relationships his own age (she has no family to do that)

I think it's really hard for men in these circumstances. They don't want a child but they end up with one. They will have to provide financial support even if they don't want a relationship. If they don't want a relationship everyone thinks they're a cunt. I know they have equal responsibility to create a life but they have no right to choose ( rightly in my opinion) My own birth father wanted nothing to do with me and changed his name by deed poll so I wouldn't be able to find him.

If you want to keep your baby - keep it. Don't have an abortion just because he doesn't fancy becoming a father again.
I am assuming you have friends with DC so know if you like the idea of motherhood or not.

You have options either way. I would fully plan on being a single parent though

Recommending counselling from a provider with a financial interest in undertaking abortions!?

Once you have your baby OP you'll be horrified that you ever considered a termination. You are already a mother to your child and instinctively you know that hence your protectiveness. Keep your baby.

This is 100% your decision.

he’s open to discussing trying again in the future when we’ve had more time together

Given your ages this is an impractical suggestion.

I tend to think that a situation like this will lead to the relationship ending whatever you do- if you terminate you will resent him, if you don't he will resent you. So I would urge you to do what you want to do, and not be swayed by thinking about what might please him. That means thinking about whether you would be willing and able to be a single mum. Above all, don't have a termination because it's what he wants- you need to make the decision for yourself.

It would also be a good idea to talk to a counsellor IRL about your feelings. MN threads inevitably involve people projecting a lot about what they would do in your circumstances, which isn't very helpful.

You may never get pregnant again, OP. No way could I terminate - I think you’d regret it forever.

I’d carry on and have my baby, and tell the father he can be as involved as much or as little as he wants. Don’t let him pressure you.

Keep your baby. There are organisations out there - usually Catholic - who will support you if you want that.
You are pregnant not him. It’s a poor show of a man that won’t support his partner to keep the baby that he was part of creating.

Have the baby, you won't regret it 🙂

In your situation I would keep the pregnancy. I think it will haunt you forever with the "what ifs" if you terminate. If its what you really want dont let the father influence you to terminate x

Later isn’t part of this equation. You need to make a decision based on your own needs, desires, and capacity to parent. Consider that he might disappear, be an excellent coparent, or be a difficult person you have to deal with for the rest of your life. You are the only real predictable factor here, but at your age you know yourself and will make the best decision for yourself.

F

You really need to think with your head, not your heart. Yes, a baby might be lovely. But that man is 53. The rate of birth defects is much higher with older men's sperm. Lovely if you end up with a 100% healthy baby. But what if your child has a physical disability, or despite all the right tests, is severely autistic?

I speak as a mum to an SEN child. It is very very hard even if they can attend mainstream education. I have 2 friends with very ASD children, who will never be able to live independently. What would happen if that were the case? You're already an older mum. And your DP is much older. Are you both going to be able to care for a child like that permanently?

He has a 13-year-old child and isn’t keen to continue with this pregnancy, although he’s open to discussing trying again in the future when we’ve had more time together. Realistically though, I don’t think we’ll ever get to a point where we decide to have a child together.

I think you're right. It's likely he will go from saying it's too soon in the relationship to have a baby, to saying that he's now too old to have one.

Single parenthood is tough, but much more manageable if you have a good support network. And as the saying goes, "the days are long, but the years are short" - i.e. the early years are very hard work, but only last for a small period of your life.

Might it help to imagine how your life is likely to be in each scenario, in one year's time, two years' time, five years' time, ten years' time...?