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Original poster

Pregnant at 40, partner is 53, termination booked but devastated

438 replies

Peakcentral · Today 11:39

I’m 40, my partner is 53 and we’ve been together for 10 months. I’m currently 5+2 weeks pregnant and have a termination booked.

He has a 13-year-old child and isn’t keen to continue with this pregnancy, although he’s open to discussing trying again in the future when we’ve had more time together. Realistically though, I don’t think we’ll ever get to a point where we decide to have a child together.

Logically, a termination feels like the sensible decision given our ages and relatively new relationship, but emotionally I’m devastated.

I’ve never particularly wanted children and always thought I’d be happy without them. I’ve also never been pregnant before and wasn’t sure I could conceive. Yet since finding out, I’ve felt an overwhelming protectiveness towards this pregnancy that I never expected.

At 40, I’m painfully aware this could be my only chance to have a baby. The thought of ending this pregnancy and potentially never conceiving again is heartbreaking.

I feel completely torn between my head and my heart and terrified of making a decision I’ll regret forever.

Has anyone experienced something similar, particularly an unexpected first pregnancy later in life? I’d really appreciate honest experiences from both sides, as I’m struggling enormously with what to do.

OP posts:
naffogato · Today 12:07

Keep the baby. I think you would regret a termination more.

Littlegreywolfcub · Today 12:09

SweetCrispyBalls · Today 11:44

If you want this baby have it . It may be your only chance to be a mum . Do what YOU want to do .

Oh my gosh yes. ( I had my DD at 41 and do not regret it at all.)

Sorry you're in a difficult position though Flowers - I would imagine you need time to think this through.

FoggyDay58 · Today 12:11

I fell accidentally pregnant at a similar relationship stage (in my 20s though). Had always been pro choice but as soon as I was pregnant my feelings changed. I went ahead with the termination. I felt very resentful. Our relationship survived, but perhaps it shouldn't have done - my resentment has never really gone away, and we went on to struggle with miscarriage and interfility later on (but now have two children).

Agree with others that some specialised therapy may help you untangle your thoughts. Good luck, whatever you choose.

OtterlyAstounding · Today 12:11

IAxolotlQuestions · Today 11:55

Women who terminate because the man doesn’t want the baby tend to regret it. And the relationship doesn’t survive anyway because resentment sinks in.

If you want the child - keep it. Don’t ever get a termination that you are not fully on board with and pushing for.

This. Never have an abortion for a man. Only ever if it's what you want.

As pp have said, this relationship likely won't last long, and parenthood is forever - and this is likely your last chance. Think carefully about whether you can manage (potential) single parenthood financially and emotionally, and make your decision based on that, not based on what he wants.

Cla7 · Today 12:11

As others said, take him out of the equation for a moment and think about whether or not you want and can do this on your own. If yes, you have your answer. Best case you have your lovely little family, worst case you are a single mum. If no, it gets a bit more complicated and you need to consider your options.

IwouldlikeanewTV · Today 12:13

I had my second child at 39. I was 40 by the time he was 2 months old. Age isn’t a problem. What do you want?

MyJollyFish · Today 12:14

Life works out. Have your baby op. Congratulations and all the best to you.

ThisOliveKoala · Today 12:14

Teainapinkcup · Today 11:43

Keep your baby no matter what...

Show quote history

I agree…keep your baby.

Musicaltheatremum · Today 12:15

Don't rush. You've got several weeks even for a medical termination. You need time to think about it. If you're having doubts about doing it then don't do it. Just slow down. You've barely found out you're pregnant. Good luck with your decision

HedgerowD · Today 12:16

Can you afford to and would you want to go it alone? I had my only child just shy of 40. I believed i was infertile. It was a shock and it took me weeks to get my head around. I think you need to wait a little while and explore your options. Work out if its financially viable. There doesn't need to be a rush at this stage.

NewGoldFox · Today 12:16

It is your body and your choice. Don’t rush into a termination that you are not sure is in your best interests.

BotoxOrPuffins · Today 12:17

Hi OP, what a difficult decision for you. If your body is feeling like this then take a bit more time and you make the decision for you. Will you look back with regret. If you hesitate to answer then perhaps consider keeping it. But consider what would happen if you were a single mum or if the child has SEN. Do you have a support network to help you. Good luck OP. x

Laiste · Today 12:17

First of all - deep breath, you've got time to think.

When is the termination booked for OP? If it's less than a week away rebook it to give yourself a week more to think at least.

Think about the practicalities of the situation first.
Your living arrangements.
Your money situation.
People all over the world have babies in all sorts of situations. You can make it work and make a happy life for a child no matter what starting point. But it could be hard work depending on your start.

If you're wanting gut reactions based on your post here - mine is Have The Baby. I think you should have it firmly in your mind that you'll be doing it alone - just you and your child 😊

If you terminate i think you'll regret it and the relationship with the father will end anyway.

Mooselove · Today 12:18

You say you have never particularly wanted children so I would go ahead with the termination.

Having a child and regretting it is fairly common and you should only have one if you are absolutely certain you want one

OsfameronTanamoril · Today 12:18

A hard one. Get some counselling from BPAS. They can advise you and help you make the right choice.

Laiste · Today 12:18

And to add - i had a baby at 43 and life is good 👍👍

faithfultoGeorgeMichael · Today 12:19

A friend had this situation and had a termination. He split with her before she'd even finished bleeding. She then spent 3 years and remortgaged her house to have IVF. She happily has a baby now.
Think ONLY what you want OP. He is irrelevant to this decision.
Have the baby if you want the baby.

Lsquiggles · Today 12:19

He might not want this pregnancy, but it's quite evident that you do. This is a relatively new relationship that could go the distance, or it might not, I wouldn't make a permanent decision based on whether or not you'll be raising the child with him.

Pessismistic · Today 12:19

Hi op I’ve been in your situation if you are not sure cancel the appointment and think. He might not be around forever then you have given him what he wants but not you. The fact your 40 is something to be concerned about but if it’s not emotionally what you want you may resent him going forward . Op it might be a blessing in disguise I went through with mine because I had no choice. I hated every second of it and it didn’t work first time I wanted to change my mind but couldn’t because the pill would have done some damage had to have a d+c I cried the whole time at the hospital from start to finish I hated my dp at the time please re think before you regret it he has a kid so he’s already a parent. Good luck.

Witchyhoures · Today 12:21

doesnt sound like he wants any more.
im pro choice though would seem not a great idea to terminate thinking you would have another ideally anyway and youre 40…

PumpkinPrincessx · Today 12:23

I am 100% pro choice and would never want to talk a woman out of a termination.

However, in your circumstances, I would continue with the pregnancy, even if that meant the end of the relationship.

If your partner didn’t want anymore children then he needed to have a vasectomy or wear a condom. He needed to take responsibility for his own contraception.

At your age, I don’t think it’s wise to wait and maybe try again for a baby in the future. There could be no future. A termination that you are conflicted about could emotionally damage you and the relationship. You could end up resenting your partner and his daughter.

Keep the appointment, but maybe phone them up and say you would like the appointment time to talk through your feelings with one of their clinicians/nurses. You do not have to go through with the termination.

I wish you the very best in what you decide to do.

Bufftailed · Today 12:24

This is a heart not head decision. You sound like you want to keep it.

CherryKerry · Today 12:24

Totally up to you but if you are imagining your future, it would be realistic to picture yourself as a single parent.

YankSplaining · Today 12:24

“He has a 13-year-old child and isn’t keen to continue with this pregnancy, although he’s open to discussing trying again in the future when we’ve had more time together” – yeah, “open to discussing trying again” as your odds of conceiving plunge off a cliff!

You’re the one who’s pregnant, and you don’t want to have an abortion. What he wants isn’t more important than what you want, especially seeing as you’re the one whose body would be going through the experience.

I don’t think I know anyone who’s had a baby as a single mother at 40, but I’ve known lots and lots of women who had babies at 40+. Congratulations. 🙂

twocrumpets · Today 12:25

If you want to keep your baby, keep your baby. Do it alone. Think hard about this.