Pregnant at 40, partner is 53, termination booked but devastated

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I’m 40, my partner is 53 and we’ve been together for 10 months. I’m currently 5+2 weeks pregnant and have a termination booked.

He has a 13-year-old child and isn’t keen to continue with this pregnancy, although he’s open to discussing trying again in the future when we’ve had more time together. Realistically though, I don’t think we’ll ever get to a point where we decide to have a child together.

Logically, a termination feels like the sensible decision given our ages and relatively new relationship, but emotionally I’m devastated.

I’ve never particularly wanted children and always thought I’d be happy without them. I’ve also never been pregnant before and wasn’t sure I could conceive. Yet since finding out, I’ve felt an overwhelming protectiveness towards this pregnancy that I never expected.

At 40, I’m painfully aware this could be my only chance to have a baby. The thought of ending this pregnancy and potentially never conceiving again is heartbreaking.

I feel completely torn between my head and my heart and terrified of making a decision I’ll regret forever.

Has anyone experienced something similar, particularly an unexpected first pregnancy later in life? I’d really appreciate honest experiences from both sides, as I’m struggling enormously with what to do.

You are bound to feel apprehensive OP in what is a huge decision. 40 is not too old to have a baby. The oldest woman I know who became pregnant & went on to have a beautiful baby was 47. I agree with PPs who say what would you do if your partner wasn't around. You say you are protective & emotionally devastated.Perhaps you have answered your own question. Only you can decide.

I’d give this some more time, unlikely the relationship would last past a termination as you may feel resentment so you must think about only you. If you want your baby I’d have it

You clearly want this baby, don't let him enter the equation... YOUR choice, your life

I was 40 too OP and very unsure- best decision I ever made . You will change in ways you never thought you would and feel young again. And the love you’ll have for for your DC will transform you for the better. I think it’s the ideal age.

I am really pleased to hear of the stories of women who have raised children alone and whose love for them has outweighed the challenges.
I found single parenthood really hard and dealing singlehandedly with the emotional, financial and practical aspects were overwhelming and very isolating.
It makes a huge difference to have family support.
I love my adult child without question.
Sending OP this strength required to make her decision and it's important to acknowledge that either decision may bring regret at times.
Fwiw, I am aware of some people who have regrets with both choices.

You have a future son/ daughter, congratulations! Childless friends over mine would be so envious, you had been given a chance to be a mum. Take it.
Had my son at 40. Dad long gone, my son is my shining light. Havd your child. No regrets.

OP in all likelihood this is your only chance to have a baby. My last one was the back end of 40’abd I was never able to fall pregnant again even though we continued trying for years. If you want to have a child please don’t terminate with the idea that you’ll fall pregnant again in a year or two. It just rarely works like that (yes I’m aware there are women who manage it).

I had a late in life baby, an only child and it is tough. It’s tough and the only reason I’ve been able to enjoy it is because I have an amazing support network and a decent committed partner. I can’t imagine how hard it would be to do alone - it’s one thing when you are young, full of energy and optimism and not yet established in a career etc, but in your 40s with no help - I can’t imagine the levels of stress. Also it’s just a fact that due to both your ages the chances of underlying issues (autism etc plus the really scary ones) are much higher. So there’s a lot of risk. Having a child can be wonderful, but it’s also many other things.

please think about this. That is your child, who is alive, and needs you and will be there for you. never terminate. You have been given the best gift you could ever receive.

All the best

While your relationship with your partner might not survive either way, do you think he would be a somewhat active father if you decided to go ahead with the pregnancy? It’s one thing for a child to grow up with separated parents and a dad they only see once a week (or two). Another to grow up with a parent they never see at all.

Don't rush into any decision - you have time. Chances of miscarriage are higher in your 40s too so the decision may be taken out of your hands - sorry don't mean to be cold but if you did have bleeding etc now would that make you worried or relieved - that might help you with what you really want to do

I hope you make the very best decision just for you, OP, that’s the only thing you need to do.
And sending you my best wishes for your future.

They way you describe how you feel at this early stage, I don't think you would ever get over terminating this baby if you were to. It will only get harder as the pregnancy goes on so if you are sure about termination I'd advise doing it asap.

Do you have the means to provide for baby alone if you have to? Nothing fancy, just a place to live and steady income. A baby will change your life, routines will literally rule you for quite some time. It's all worth it though, and by the sounds of it this baby would be loved and protected.

I'd tell the man he can walk away if he chooses, and then in your shoes I'd start preparing for baby coming. It seems scary but you really do just adapt.

Do not terminate!

i am 37 and pregnant and it’s taken me YEARS! My fertility is extremely low and was too low for IVF. Luckily I have caught naturally but your chances can be very limited around our age and depending on your AMH and FSH!

if you fear this could be your only chance and would be heartbroken then don’t risk it!

you can do it without him regardless and always meet someone else and even someone closer to your age!

if he didn’t want to get your pregnant he shouldn’t have been spreading his seed! He cannot dictate your body and choice!

so many of us struggle nearer to 40 let alone being 40+ and if you have an ounce of doubt then don’t do it!

realistically this relationship is over regardless. He’s clearly not in it for the long haul and only a good time.

he will NEVER change his mind at his age and he’s old enough to know your chances are going to be lower the longer you wait.

he's not worth it!

I'm sorry, "commit the deed"? This isn't a crime this is her life and her choice. Nobody, should be forced to continue a pregnancy they don't want to, nor should they feel pressured to terminate a pregnancy.

If you have an abortion there’s every chance your relationship will end because you will have resentment towards him.

if you decide to keep the baby, your relationship may also run its course. What involvement do you think he would want in the child’s life? You will end up tied to this man for the rest of your life? How is he with his 13 year old? Does he play his part? Pay maintenance? Childcare? Imagine this in your future.

But also be prepared to do it all alone. That is really really tough as any single parent will tell you. If you are financially secure and have family around who can help that makes a big difference.

i think you need to speak to your partner again and tell him how uneasy you feel about abortion and where he stands if you decide to keep the baby. But also be realistic that you may be alone in this.

I had a baby at 43 and all was fine by the way! Good luck xxx

Keep the baby.

All I really have to add, based on my own experience, is that your hormones will be driving a lot of your thoughts at the moment. Those protective feelings are simply biology doing its job. If you possibly can, try to take the emotion out and think logically. Counselling could help.

I remember sobbing with intense grief, loss, guilt etc, during a short pregnancy I absolutely didn't want and haven't regretted ending for a second since. Going ahead would have been a terrible, reckless decision. Those big feelings stopped as soon as hormones were back to normal.

You do what’s best for you. So in this case keep the baby, you have no money problems so that’s all fine. Ditch the boyfriend.

I was a lone parent in my teens (my only chance at being a mum). If I can do it alone so can you.